Be Bulletproof

by James Brooke

  Asking advice builds relationships in two ways. First, it flatters the other person as it suggests that we value their expertise. Second, as we’ve already seen, when someone does us a favour or gives us something they tend to like us more.48

  The third-party technique

  Jack had similar success in building one-to-one relationships following the changes in his company which had left him feeling isolated and unwanted. One of the techniques he found most helpful was the ‘third-party technique’.

  It works like this: we tend to like people who like us – it’s almost impossible not to. We like people who compliment us. who show they admire us … These people make us feel better about ourselves. However, we are often suspicious of people who pay us compliments, assuming they may be attempting to ‘play’ us in some way. During times of heightened politics, people tend to have their bullshit detectors switched to ‘red alert’. This explains why attempts to build bridges are often misunderstood and counterproductive. There is a smart way to circumvent this and make sure your compliment lands effectively and pulls the desired strings. Say something complimentary about the person concerned to a friend or colleague who knows you both. It will almost certainly get back to the desired individual. And because you appear to have no vested interest, its authenticity will appear all the greater.

  Compliments like ‘Jane’s great’ or ‘I really like Tom’ are too vague and generic to make much difference to anyone. Compliments that really work – just like criticisms that really hurt – relate to something the individual considers important about himself. In psychologists’ jargon, it fits with his ‘self-concept’. In other words, show you have given the person some thought, for example: ‘I notice Jane has a brilliant head for figures. She can very rapidly grasp what’s important in a set of numbers, ahead of anyone else’; or ‘I love Tom’s dry sense of humour. I’ve noticed how it really helps break the ice.’ This approach works better than a general compliment about something which could apply to anyone.

  Summary

  It’s far more effective to focus on individual group members for one-to-one conversations

  Bulletproof people avoid reinforcing common group identity in adversarial situations

  Pay compliments via a third party to win over your adversaries

  Make compliments specific and relevant to the individual

  Ask advice from your adversaries

  Reciprocity and compliments work

  Focus on what’s working … not on what’s bust

  Claire felt that she was being isolated by the team she had been appointed to lead. Frequently a new CEO or department head can feel out on a limb. Their instinct will be to go for the You-lot-have-gotta-change-or-die speech. The temptation is to break the cycle or change the mindset by holding up a mirror to show how bad things are. The assumption is that recognising the desperate nature of a situation will prompt people to leave the petty politics to one side. A little understanding of group psychology will help you avoid this tactical error.

  The more unsettled, hostile or messier the environment, the more that group hostility towards outsiders increases. Researchers have discovered that as the conditions of a given environment are manipulated – for example, when the evidence of litter, mess and anti-social behaviour is increased – the subjects within that environment are more likely to express suspicion of, or even hostility to, different socio-ethnic groups. Conversely, the more benign the environment, the more benevolent the attitude towards outsiders.49

  Claire’s team viewed her as outsider. We were initially invited to facilitate a gloves-off ‘clear the air’ session. We advised a different approach. We encouraged her to ask the team the following important question: ‘What would be possible for this team if it were functioning excellently – as effectively as it could?’ Responses were slow and stilted at first. It was clear the team’s reflex response was to return to talking about problems. When problem talk emerged – as it inevitably did – Claire acknowledged that there were plenty of raw feelings. She appreciated that several team members saw many fault lines, but she encouraged people to put them to one side. We reassured the team that they would have the opportunity to talk about anything they wished in due course. Eventually people got into their stride, generating rich descriptions about what the team could achieve. We encouraged everyone to describe in specific, observable terms what would happen under these scenarios. Vague generalities were banned.

  We then encouraged people to identify specific examples of where the team was currently functioning at its best. This met with the expected reaction: ‘Haven’t you been listening? That is the whole problem! We hardly ever perform at our best.’ We countered this with the challenge that ‘hardly ever’ isn’t ‘never’.

  We suggested that Claire pointed out that the examples might be brief, fleeting and seemingly insignificant. No matter how bad things seem, sometimes we are better than others, so what can we learn from these times? Here, the ‘why-not-a-zero’ question proved useful. If the state of excellence the team had described were rated at 10, how would people rate its current state? Unsurprisingly they rated it a two or three. We then asked them to brainstorm, in as much specific detail as possible, all the reasons they did not rate themselves at zero.

  We then said we would move on to giving feedback. ‘Ah, now this is what I was expecting,’ people seemed to be thinking. ‘Time for the tears and tissues.’ By this point Claire was leading the facilitation. She asked group members to give feedback to colleagues in the room, but with a specific twist. Bearing in mind all of the answers to the ‘why-not-a-zero’ question, members of her team were asked to give feedback to each of their colleagues about the specific personal attributes and qualities that they see that have helped them to achieve the things that they listed in the ‘why-not-a-zero’ stage – and which, of course, they looked forward to seeing more of, if the team were to move towards the 10. Bit by bit, Claire felt the levels of positive energy creep up, like mercury in a steadily warming thermometer. And then the inevitable started to happen: one by one, team members started drifting over to Claire and involving her in the feedback. The session ended with an agreement that the next immediate and readily achievable action – specific and observable, of course – that both individuals and the team would carry out before the next meeting was to move up just one notch.

  Claire announced that the next dozen meetings would start with the question, ‘What’s better since last time?’ and each team member would answer in specific, tangible terms. And each meeting would end with a specific commitment to the up-one-notch action.

  So, whether you’re handling a team or just thinking about a particular situation yourself, focus on the positive, ask why it’s not a zero and look at what is going well and what has improved, so that you can develop and expand these elements.

  Summary

  Focus on the positives and not the negatives

  Think about what works and learn from it rather than what doesn’t work

  Use the ‘why-not-a-zero’ technique

  Borrow some perspective … and get elevated

  Research shows that certain positive character traits, such as gratitude, hope, kindness, leadership and teamwork, increased in Americans following 9/11. In addition, other work has shown that having had a serious physical illness can result in increased levels of bravery, curiosity, fairness, humour and an appreciation of beauty.50

  Most of us are familiar with the concept of post-traumatic stress disorder. We know that people who undergo exceptionally traumatic or adverse effects are likely to suffer psychologically for some time after. But this is not the entire story; the reality is more complex. Indeed, far from causing us long-term damage, it appears that the view ‘What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’ is gathering scientific support. This is pretty good news for humankind and something from which we can all learn. There is evidence, for instance, that those who suffer difficult childhoods build up reserves of strength for later
life.

  Psychologists have increasingly been researching the idea of ‘post-traumatic growth’: that people who have suffered great adversity in their lives are better than the rest of us at coping with whatever life throws at them. And this is not just a case of ‘look on the bright side’; the evidence is robust: surviving tough times makes us more resilient and better equipped to survive in the future.

  Why should this be? There are several hypotheses. One is that the adverse event changes our self-concept. Because we have survived, we are more inclined to see ourselves as a survivor. The governing thought that these individuals carry into future situations is ‘I can survive’ or ‘I will be okay’.

  In addition, we become more aware of the full range of resources at our disposal. We have drawn on our deepest reserves of energy, optimism, wisdom, emotional resilience and intelligence. We are confident they are there and that we have the wherewithal to tap into them.

  One of the most crucial resources these survivors have learnt to draw upon is, of course, other people. Many survivors of adversity come to understand the importance of investing in relationships and report real improvements in them. As these survivors understand the importance of kindness and helping others, they are more likely to act accordingly and therefore reap the emotional benefits.

  Survivors of traumatic life events have a further advantage over the rest of us: they have perspective. In the heat of the moment, our toxic boss, bullying client or passive-aggressive co-workers become the most important issue in the universe. In reality, situations at work are not a matter of life or death. The salesman on a losing streak will not die if one more client says no. Perspective allows us to lower the stakes. And when we lower the stakes, we act with confidence and think more clearly.

  Case Study 8.4

  Harry worked for an oil multinational. Every Monday morning he was one of several presenters who had to present figures to a senior finance committee. The slightest discrepancy or inconsistency would have the presenter hauled over the coals. When a younger colleague asked how he coped with nerves, Harry answered, ‘I used to be a pilot. I have done an emergency landing on a swamp, in a storm, with one poorly functioning engine and not lost a single passenger. I just remind myself that no one else in the room has ever done that.’

  So do we have to undergo life-threatening adversity to feel like survivors, value the important things in life, have better relationships and gain perspective? Imagine if we could train our minds to harness the emotional and cognitive benefits without risking our lives, so that we could act like we had. Acting involves thinking as if you’ve had the experience of someone else’s life. Imagine if those life experiences had the ability to make us stronger; employing the methods actors use would subsequently serve to benefit us in our own lives.

  We talked to a personal assistant who was diagnosed with claustrophobia. When we asked how she managed to travel on the crowded London Underground, with its long delays on crowded trains several hundred feet underground, she told us of a novel way: ‘I imagine I’m a refugee escaping from a Nazi-occupied part of Europe. The train I’m on is my lifeline. I managed to get on it by the skin of my teeth. I only have to sit and wait and I’ll escape with my life for ever.’

  Psychologist Jonathan Haidt has been pioneering research into the concept of ‘elevation’. We know that hearing of morally repugnant acts causes us to feel disgust, and this feeling has a physiological manifestation. Well, ‘elevation’ is the flip side. Common sense tells us that when we hear stories of people doing great, kind and morally courageous things we feel better. We may even feel inspired. But there is increasing evidence that when we hear stories of people doing great things, the emotional and physiological effects are considerable. Stories of people doing great things, particularly acts of courageous kindness, give us inspiration and strength in literal and measurable ways. There is still more to be done, but researchers believe that elevating stories affect the vagus nerve. This is associated with regulating the heart’s activity – hence the association between love and the heart – and with the body’s release of the bonding hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin is believed to help with clear thinking, learning and possibly with the body’s immune system.

  Case Study 8.5

  Mark is CEO of a medium-sized packaged foods company. When he was seventeen, he went travelling around Europe. It was his first time away from home without his mother and father. Mark received a message that his mother had suddenly become seriously ill. He immediately made arrangements to fly home first thing the following morning. But as he prepared to leave for the airport, Mark got the message that his mother had not made it through the night.

  In a daze, Mark found himself telephoning his sister from a payphone kiosk at the airport. He simply felt that he needed someone to whom he could express his pain. As he hung up the phone, he felt a hand rest gently on his shoulder. As he turned around, he saw a man in late middle age, who said, ‘I couldn’t help overhearing you … is there anything you need? Is there anything I can do for you? Are you okay for money? Maybe a cup of coffee?’

  It was a tiny gesture but it was just when Mark needed it. And Mark was aware that for so many of us it is so easy to walk on by. Mark told us, ‘When I need to remind myself to do the right thing. I think of that stranger. I’m quite sure that I don’t always live up to it, but I am equally sure that it helps.’

  Elevation increases health and well-being, both mentally and physiologically. It costs nothing and is available when you need it. Seek it out. Identify stories of moral courage and remind yourself of people doing great – and the right – things. These could be inspirational stories, which appear regularly in the media (alongside the doom and gloom!), autobiographies, or even stories of people within your organisation or sector who went that bit further to help someone.

  Elevation is very powerful in a group setting when you want to manage group climate. Ask each person to share a morally inspiring story in which he or she may have participated.51

  Summary

  When we hear stories of people doing great, kind and morally courageous things, we feel better

  Bring these to mind when you want to be bulletproof and see how you can learn from them

  Who or what you are going to remind yourself of, when you want to get a sense of proportion or do the right thing?

  CHAPTER 9

  DELIVERING FEEDBACK IN A WAY THAT WORKS

  Case Study 9.1

  As they both went home to their families, Joe couldn’t help thinking about how Francis would be feeling that evening. They had joined the bank at the same time. They had been friends since the first day of that year’s graduate intake. Francis was outgoing, charming and gregarious. He had been a great support to Joe in those early days. It was almost embarrassing for Joe, some years later, when Francis ended up reporting to him as part of the task force that Joe was heading to implement a major new IT system. It soon became clear that Francis was not delivering. He was talking a great story but his practical progress on the assignment was way behind that of his colleagues. Suggestions started to circulate that Joe had let the situation drift; that he lacked the leadership skills to deal with it. When Joe finally delivered his message – that the situation was unacceptable and that he would not tolerate its continuing – he couldn’t help but notice that Francis seemed even more wounded than Joe had expected.

  SO FAR WE have discussed techniques to bulletproof yourself against the setbacks and assaults of the workplace. But what about the occasions when it seems like you are the one that has to deliver the bullets?

  As a leader, you are paid to communicate your feedback to others. In the workplace, negative or critical feedback is as important as praise, but it can leave you feeling deeply uncomfortable. The evidence shows that most of us are not good at giving feedback and will avoid it if possible. We like to be liked and we like to be in rapport with people. Our belief that giving criticism will make us unpopular is not altogether unfounded: the mi
nd’s typical reflex response when receiving critical feedback is to defend and it has no qualms about shooting the messenger.

  Feedback is inherent in any system of progress and improvement. If you have had any sort of coaching in sports or any other endeavour, you will recognise that to improve you need feedback. In nature, evolution operates on the basis of random variations in an organism and then feedback from the external environment. If the variation is better for survival (positive feedback), it will likely be inherited by future generations; if it is detrimental to survival, it will likely disappear (negative feedback).

  The terms ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ feedback carry connotations in day-to-day language. Would you rather be described as a negative person or a positive person? But we should not make the mistake of allowing these connotations to colour our understanding of the way that feedback works as a driver of improvement.

  Negative feedback (that says ‘stop – something different needed – change direction’) is essential to performance improvement. If you are an athlete, a musician, an actor or any other performer, you want to know about any aspect of your performance that is not up to scratch. Recent research52 indicates that top performers or virtuosos in any field are more likely to seek out and benefit from negative feedback, whereas praise is more beneficial for novices.

  Most biological mechanisms in the body, the functioning of the livers, kidneys, pituitary gland, work on the principle of negative feedback. One of the most common examples of a negative-feedback mechanism is a room thermostat. It senses that the temperature in the room has dropped below the optimum and applies a little more heat. If it senses that the increased heat has gone above the optimum, it ceases heating and starts cooling, and so on.