Unlimited

by Jillian Michaels

  Getting people on your side peels away so many obstacles to success, and this next section is all about how to do that. Think of this as “how to win friends and influence people”—Jillian style.

  The first thing you’re going to need is some cojones. You’re going to have to be brave enough to tell others what you think, how you feel, and what you need. A lot of us take it for granted that our wants and needs are obvious. Well, they’re not. People are not mind readers, and most of the time they won’t know how to help you unless you tell them. Remember, they’re bringing their own experiences and frames of reference to the table just like you are. It could very well be that what they think of as helpful, you find hurtful.

  By telling people what you’re thinking and feeling, you give them what they need to understand you and work with you. Asking for help and expressing your needs might make you feel vulnerable, awkward, weak, or selfish at first. This is where courage comes into it. But the more you articulate your needs, the more powerful you will become. And let’s be honest, if you can’t talk about a problem, it can’t get resolved.

  I’m sure you’re thinking, Oh, I can’t do that. It will hurt people’s feelings. Actually, if you express yourself in the right way, you won’t hurt anyone’s feelings, and I’m hoping you’ve built up enough self-esteem by this point to let others worry about their own emotional health anyway. Your obligation is to focus on your own.

  KEEP AN OPEN MIND

  The key to effective communication is keeping an open mind. By keeping an open mind and an open heart, you can focus on the solution, not on the method by which it’s reached. At all costs, avoid becoming defensive, assigning blame, or attacking the other person. That is a surefire way to end a conversation before it’s begun. You must speak from an empathic place. Remember that the other person has their own feelings and thoughts about things. Be sensitive to that when you are engaging them.

  One of the basic techniques for communicating with sensitivity is to use I-statements as opposed to you-statements. This is Communication 101. Framing your conversations with I-statements lets you discuss your issues without accusing the other person of causing the problem. A you-statement does, well, the opposite.

  Here’s an easy example:

  I was dating a guy a while back who was really close to his buddies. We had gotten to a point where he was hanging out with them more often than not, and although I was a big supporter of his need for male bonding, he never invited me, and I was starting to feel left out and distanced from him. There’s no doubt we needed to have a conversation. I could have gone on the offensive and attacked him, like this: “Whenever I do something or go somewhere, I always include you, but when you go out with your friends, you have never once had the common decency to invite me. I’ve been really cool about it till now, but I’m sick of your acting like a selfish jerk. How would you feel if I were this inconsiderate of your feelings?!” Now, that’s how I was feeling on the inside, but communicating my issue that way was going to get me nowhere or probably even make matters worse. He would likely have gotten defensive and argued back, saying something to the effect, “You’re such a bitch sometimes. You question why I don’t invite you out with us? No wonder I need time alone with my boys.” The situation would escalate negatively from there.

  If you replace the you-statements with I-statements, however, your chances of reaching a positive outcome increase exponentially. So after I calmed down, this was the path I chose, and this is how the conversation actually went: “Honey, I totally get that you want and need your alone time with your friends. I like time alone with my friends sometimes, too, but lately it feels like it’s all the time. And I don’t want to intrude or anything, but it would be nice to hang out with you guys once in a while. It makes me feel insecure when you don’t invite me, like you don’t want me there or you’re not proud to show me off, and I feel like I’m becoming less and less a part of your life.” And his response was as follows: “Wow, babe, I’m sorry. I had no idea you felt that way. I make plans all the time these days because you’ve been working so much and I hate sitting at home by myself waiting for you. Then when you’re actually available, I just figure you want to rest because you work all the time and the last thing you’d want to do is go to a hockey game or play poker. I have plans with the guys this Thursday to play pool. Do you want to come?” Crisis averted.

  In this scenario, my statement was one of fact. It didn’t accuse him of anything, and it thereby left room for him to respond in a more sympathetic way, with no judgment coloring the dialogue. As a result, he acknowledged my feelings, clarified his intention, and suggested a solution. In addition, this conversation showed me how he was feeling about my work schedule, giving me an opportunity to remedy that issue in our relationship as well. Sadly, some things are irreconcilable, and the work thing did eventually break us up, but our solid communication kept our respect and care for each other intact, and we’re still close friends to this day.

  Now, if the person you are communicating with doesn’t respond to an open, nonthreatening dialogue, or if it becomes clear that they have no regard for your feelings even after you have expressed them in a calm, loving way, then this becomes a different issue altogether, and you may want to reevaluate the dynamics of the relationship.

  KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE, AND BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE

  The personal and professional aspects of your life are going to require slightly different approaches. The communications are going to involve different specifics, but the general principles remain the same. You probably won’t utilize I-statements often in your business interactions, or have long talks about feelings, but they still do come into play. In business as in anything, you need to think about where the other person is coming from, so you can try to meet them where they are before expressing your thoughts and ideas. This is the starting point for progress, because this basic principle applies to any conversation. I’m going to give you another example from my professional life, since it’s slightly easier for me to analyze and quantify.

  After eight seasons of The Biggest Loser, I was ready to broaden my TV horizons a bit and embrace new challenges, so I decided to approach NBC to throw around some ideas. I was beyond thrilled to be part of a show as successful as The Biggest Loser, and more important, I was humbled and grateful to be able to help change lives.

  But I also wanted new challenges. Bottom line, I wanted to expand my platform to a more well-rounded vehicle and get out a broader message of wellness, beyond being part of the Biggest Loser team. That’s where I was coming from. But as I considered my first move, I also had to think about NBC’s needs and perspective. With Loser, they had a tiger by the tail. It was their number-one-rated show at the time, and they would want to preserve it. They had also given me my start, and they might think my desire to move on reflected ingratitude. It seems like a tough situation, with two diametrically opposed interests, right? How could we get to a win-win situation?

  Well, I sat down with the president of alternative programming at the network and listened carefully to all his concerns and issues. Then I expressed mine. After we appreciated our respective positions, we started looking for a solution that would expand my platform without taking me away from Biggest Loser. And that’s how Losing It with Jillian was born—compromise! I agreed to stay on in exchange for my own spin-off show, where I got to really help people in all aspects of their lives. With both parties gaining, this solution was the very definition of win-win.

  Now, this conversation could have gone very differently. I could have gone in angry and screaming about all the things I felt were unjust over my six-year run on Loser. And the president could have come to the table power-tripping and played the “We made you, we’ll break you” card. I guarantee you, a small part of each of us totally felt like doing that. As intelligent business people, however, we also understood that an interaction fueled by those kinds of crappy, ego-based attitudes would get us nowhere. Instead, he spoke his mind in
a way that took my position into account, and vice versa—and that left us open to a host of possible solutions.

  The big lesson here is that you can always find a way to engage other people that makes them part of the solution, not part of the problem. When you speak in a way that’s not only true to your own dreams but also considerate of other people’s, you enlist people instead of turning them off. And before you know it, your dream grows and takes on forms you never could have imagined.

  Above all, cultivate mutual respect, the foundation for any successful interaction. Give respect freely to others, and command it for yourself. Approach a conversation this way, and it’s unlikely that anyone will feel undervalued, attacked, taken advantage of, or demeaned. Instead, you’re likely to come to a result that is good for everyone involved. There is almost always a way, no matter how difficult the person or the exchange.

  One last tip for becoming a highly effective communicator: rehearse what you want to say beforehand. As in, out loud. Say it to the cat, say it to the mirror, but say it. No matter how much you’ve thought something through, putting it into words is going to be different. The more you’ve run through the major points you want to make, the basic order of what you’re going to say, the more confident you’ll be when it comes time to engage the other person or people.

  If you’re going into a really big conversation—asking for a promotion, or confronting a loved one about something sensitive—you may even want to role-play with a good friend. This will allow you to walk through various scenarios so that when you’re in the moment, you won’t be shaken or impulsive with your responses. That will help you maintain control of the conversation and keep it moving forward in a positive and productive direction.

  Remember, communicating well is something you can and must work at. Practice it in every interaction you have, whether it’s at the supermarket checkout or meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time.

  The objective is always to open a constructive dialogue that is calm, thoughtful, considerate, and clear. If you have fears and concerns, put them on the table for discussion without judgment or accusation. Give others the opening to jump in and become a source of support rather than sabotage.

  Not everyone is going to respond positively to open dialogue. If problems arise, you need to accept that you’ve tried, realize that the unresolved issue speaks to their limitations, not yours, and move on. But before doing that, make sure you’ve done what you can to negotiate the situation—which is up next.

  EXTRA CREDIT: NEGOTIATION

  Like it or not, most of our interactions come down to a negotiation of some kind. And although it sounds cold and clinical, negotiating is simply arriving at an agreement that allows forward momentum. As the old Rolling Stones song says, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, well you just might find you get what you need.”

  Whether you’re fighting with your spouse about where to have the family vacation, buying a home, or hashing out a multimillion-dollar business deal, you need the same tactics and skills. This isn’t to say we’re all mercenaries out fighting for our own self-serving agendas. It’s not about world domination or subjugating people to your will. Win-win is the name of the game, and the goal is for both parties to feel positive about the negotiation once it’s over. This helps good, positive relationships to continue after the fact and allows for a level of cooperation that will take you to new heights.

  Sometimes a win-lose negotiation is unavoidable, but you should really resort to it only if you don’t have to maintain an ongoing relationship with the other party. Having come up short, they may not want to deal with you in the future. Consider that if you are going to want anything from them, or if they have yet to fulfill part of a deal in which you have “won,” they may be uncooperative.

  In my own experience, whenever I have felt duped or cheated, I have done the bare minimum to fulfill whatever agreement was in place and then had no further dealings with that party. For my second set of exercise DVDs, my old team negotiated what I later discovered was a very bad deal for me. The DVDs were massive best sellers, but because of loopholes in my contract, I barely saw a dime. I had three DVDs left to shoot with this company before my deal was up. I put my best foot forward, because I wanted people to get their money’s worth when they bought the DVDs, but when that deal was up, I didn’t renegotiate to extend my contract.

  By that point my DVDs made up 50 percent of the top-ten-selling fitness titles on the market, and my decision limited the company’s future growth in the category. The DVD market share of the company I subsequently signed with grew to first place. And now I’m auditing the first company for unpaid royalties.

  The moral of the story?

  Don’t ever think you’re pulling one over on someone when you stiff them, and don’t be greedy, because karma is a bitch and it will always come back to you in the end. It’s best not to sour any relationship, if you can possibly avoid it.

  To master negotiation, you’ll need to hone both your speaking and your listening skills. And as with everything, preparation is key.

  WORKING IT OUT

  CONSIDER YOUR GOALS AND THE GOALS OF THE OTHER PERSON

  What do you want to get out of this situation? What do you think the other person wants out of it?

  THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE UP

  Compromise is pretty much always necessary. Prioritize the things you want to achieve, and think about what you are willing to sacrifice to arrive at a resolution.

  HAVE AT LEAST ONE PLAN B

  If you can’t reach a win-win agreement, what other options do you have? What are the ramifications of each? If things don’t go the way you hope, you don’t want to be thrown off. Have a backup plan, so you’ll be coming from a place of strength rather than weakness.

  LEARN FROM THE PAST

  Is there a history you can learn from, or precedents you can look to for guidance? Have you or the other party had similar negotiations in the past? If so, what was the outcome, and why? By understanding previous conversations, you can circumvent established pitfalls and avoid making the same mistake twice.

  The holidays are usually the only times I ever get to travel for pleasure. My mother demands a family Christmas come hell or high water. She will make concessions on Thanksgiving or New Year’s if I have to work or I’m traveling, but I have learned my lesson, and Christmas is sacred. Don’t mess with that. All else is fair game.

  MAKE A LIST OF ALL POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS

  Based on all these considerations, what possible compromises could be reached to arrive at a win-win finish line? Let’s take the family vacation discussion again. You want to spend your vacation with your ailing grandmother. Your husband wants to take a family ski trip. Possible solutions include taking the grandmother with you on the ski trip, splitting the vacation time between the two options, or taking the ski trip but also setting aside some time before or after the holiday to spend visiting Grandma.

  THEN THINK ON THIS

  Above all else, you must always go into an exchange, whether it’s with a friend, a loved one, a colleague, or a superior, with the intention of keeping your heart and mind flexible, open to new alternatives, opinions, and possibilities.

  Remember not to get caught in power struggles caused by ego.

  Strong disagreements and failed negotiations can create all kinds of problems and hold you back in so many ways. What’s more, over time they can poison even the warmest, most loving relationships. Practice and use what you’ve learned here to create happiness and harmony in your life and in the lives of those around you. You’ll be amazed at how honing these communication skills will help you in all things great and small.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  STRENGTHEN WILLPOWER AND TAME EMOTIONS

  Being irrational and acting impulsively are big roadblocks to mastering communication skills. Although willpower and emotion regulation are two separate things, they go hand in hand. Irrational feel
ings often make us impulsive, and if we can control impulsivity, we buy ourselves time to reason and create proactive, empowering solutions. Never forget, one moment of unchecked impulsivity can destroy months or even years of hard work, so it’s well worth practicing keeping it together. By better managing your emotions, especially the negative ones, you can significantly increase your chances of success in every part of your life.

  In my own struggles with willpower and impulsivity, I’ve come to realize that will is a skill, not a myth or a genetic trait. Anyone can develop it at any point. And that is the focus of this chapter.

  Remember, no matter how strong your self-control may become, like the muscle that gets fatigued, it can get overworked and burn out on you. Notice that you’re likely to lose your temper at the end of a long, grueling day. Notice how you kick ass on your diet all day long, and then in the middle of the night when you are exhausted and your mind is spinning in stress circles, you find yourself peering into the fridge, looking for trouble. I guarantee you, it’s always that last straw that breaks the camel’s back. This is exactly why we discussed controlling your environment (in Chapter 11) and eliminating sources of sabotage (in Chapter 5). The goal of all that was to get you to hold your willpower in reserve for moments when temptation can’t be avoided.

  Ideally, we avoid negativity and temptation, but sometimes they just can’t be avoided. So you need to learn how to strengthen your willpower and to manage your emotions for those particularly trying times. You can avoid trouble for only so long. And when it comes up, you’d better be ready for it.