I Hate You More

by Moody, Alexandra

  “We were planning to,” Mrs. Williams replied, her voice turning sickly sweet as she tried to placate her son. “But, unfortunately, something came up at work this afternoon that your father and I have to deal with. It can’t wait until Monday.”

  Chase scoffed and shook his head. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

  “Watch your tone,” Mr. Williams snapped. “You know how important our new project is.”

  “Yes, I’m well aware. It certainly trumps your son, that’s for sure.”

  “Please don’t speak to your father like that,” Mrs. Williams pleaded.

  Chase stood from his chair, fists clenched at his sides. “I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to have an active involvement in your kid’s life to warrant the term father. Good luck with your project. I’ll see you both in a month, if you bother to show.”

  He turned and walked from the room without a backward glance. An uncomfortable silence settled over the table, and no one seemed able to look each other in the eyes.

  “I, er, should probably go check on him,” Shane suggested.

  I surprised myself by jumping up first. “No, you stay and finish your dinner. I can do it.” I didn’t wait for Shane’s reply before I took off after Chase. I couldn’t get away from the table fast enough, and I really didn’t want to stick around for any awkward goodbyes.

  I no longer felt annoyed with Chase for being such a jerk to me before dinner. He was only acting out because being around his dad was clearly so difficult for him. It didn’t really excuse his behavior, but I understood why he was upset and emotional.

  As I climbed the stairs to my room, I found Chase sitting at the top of the steps, his head cradled in his hands. I approached him slowly and eased myself onto the step at his side.

  “I’m sorry you had to see that,” Chase murmured to me. “And I’m sorry about before dinner.” His hands dropped as he looked up at me, and my heart broke when I saw the pain in his eyes. His expression was so vulnerable, and I saw how much he was hurting.

  “My dad and I…” He sucked in a breath and shook his head as if he’d reconsidered what he was going to say. “He brings out the worst in me,” he finished.

  “He doesn’t seem like the easiest guy to get along with.”

  “Especially not when you’re his son.”

  It was hard to see Chase’s pain, and it made me especially grateful for my own father. Dad wasn’t always around, and he could sometimes be quite strict, but I never questioned his love for me. I never doubted he would drop everything in a heartbeat if I ever needed him.

  “I’m sorry your parents aren’t staying for the weekend.”

  Chase shrugged. “It’s not like I really want to spend time with them,” he said. “It would just be nice if they put me first for once.”

  He leaned back and stared up at the ceiling for what felt like several minutes. I didn’t know what to say that could make him feel better. Eventually, he looked back down at me and gave me a tired smile.

  “I think I’m going to head to bed,” he said. “But are we still on for our hang out tomorrow?”

  I frowned at the question. With all the drama of the evening, I had totally forgotten about our date, and it felt like an awkward time to be talking about it. “Are you sure you still want to?”

  “Of course, I do,” he said.

  “Then I guess it’s still on,” I replied.

  His smile warmed as he nodded and slowly started to stand. I jumped to my feet and stopped him before he reached his bedroom door though.

  “Chase, why did you quit football?” His dad had been unbearable as he constantly reminded us all that Chase was no longer on the team. He’d talked about it with such bitterness, like he couldn’t wait to rub salt in Chase’s wound. I couldn’t help but wonder the reason why he quit.

  He turned to me, his eyes sparking with emotion. “Because I finally realized I wasn’t playing it for me.”

  He turned before I could respond, and his shoulders were stiff as he walked into his room. I felt a twinge of sorrow for him as I watched him go. Over the last few weeks, I’d begun to see a side of Chase that was different than the front he usually put on. I’d seen the smiles he kept hidden and the kindness he was capable of. Chase had always seemed so strong, and he acted like he didn’t care about anything, but after seeing the way his family treated him, I was beginning to see why. He shielded himself with a hard exterior to protect what I suspected was a warm and fragile heart.

  I was slowly chipping away at his defenses, but was I prepared for what I would find when his walls finally came crashing down? Was he really a good guy beneath all his snide remarks and indifferent behavior, or were the glimpses of kindness I’d seen just another act?

  I might have decided to go through with the final stage of the plan, but it wasn’t too late to change my mind. I had until tomorrow if I wanted to back out. The difficulty was tomorrow felt all too soon right now.

  24

  Ally

  Sleep escaped me that night. Lethargy might have been coiled around my limbs, but my mind was fighting the fatigue the rest of my body felt. I lay in the darkened room staring at the book Chase had given me. It was sitting on my bedside table taunting me. I’d finished it a week ago but had yet to give it back. I selfishly held onto it, which seemed appropriate given the story.

  I wasn’t sure why I kept it, but the moment he’d left it outside my door, everything between us had started to change. I might have felt an intense pull of attraction to him before then, but it was only after he gave me the book that Chase had started to steal parts of my heart as well. That he’d started to make me question what I was doing with the plan and wonder if I wanted to go through with it at all.

  Chase had been a source of unhappiness for me for years now, and I’d hated him with a fire that burned so brightly I’d been unable to see past its flames. Like all fires that burned so hot, it had taken a while for it to reduce to mere embers, and now that it had, I was finally seeing Chase for more than the boy who sabotaged my first kiss.

  How could I trust this new Chase though when the past had proven him so different? My heart and mind both wrestled over the answer, and the indecision was wrecking me. It was like an intense battle was happening inside me without regard for the damage it did along the way. My heart might come out of this in tatters, but it didn’t seem to care.

  I must have stared at that stupid book for hours, and all too soon, the shadows in my room began to turn from black to navy as dawn approached. When a slither of light formed at the bottom of my curtain, I picked up the phone and called Tessa

  She answered on the fifth ring. “Ally?” she groaned. “What time is it?”

  “Six,” I replied, my answer greeted by another groan.

  “Six? Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?”

  “The sun’s rising, it’s hardly the middle of the night.”

  “It feels like the middle of the night.”

  I shook my head, deciding to press on before she hung up and went back to sleep. “I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing trying to get Chase kicked out,” I said.

  “You called me at six in the morning to tell me that?”

  “I couldn’t sleep.”

  She released a long, drawn-out breath before she answered. “I thought you’d made up your mind.”

  “I had,” I replied. “But his parents came over last night, and they were absolutely horrible to him. I guess I kind of know why he’s always been so cold now, and I don’t think I can stomach sending him home to them.”

  “Ally, lots of people have shit parents, it doesn’t excuse them for being shit people. And they’re his parents, Ally. They may not be great ones, but they’re who he belongs with.”

  “I know,” I murmured. “I’m just not sure Chase is a shit person.”

  “Ally, he either is or he isn’t.” Her voice had taken on a more decisive tone, so I figured that meant she was really awake now. O
r that she really wanted to go back to sleep.

  I paused as I considered what she’d said. She made it sound so easy to decide what kind of person Chase was. There were so many layers to his personality though. For years I’d only seen his hard outer shell, but now, I was starting to realize there was so much more to him. He’d done some bad things, but deep down, I was starting to realize they didn’t make him a bad person.

  “Look, why don’t you make up your mind when you see him today,” Tessa said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Look him in the eyes and listen to what your gut tells you to do. You can um and ah about this all you want, but deep inside, I think you know what the right thing to do is.”

  I sat up, and my hand tightened around the phone. “That sounds kind of risky. I’m not sure I trust my gut right now.”

  Tessa chuckled. “Just because your gut is telling you something you don’t want to hear doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”

  “You really think that’s the best idea?”

  “I do.”

  I nodded and released the breath I’d been holding. “Okay, I’ll trust my gut when I see him.”

  “Good,” Tessa replied. “Now, can I go back to sleep?”

  “Sure,” I conceded.

  “Please call me a bit later when you freak out next time?”

  “Who says I’m going to freak out again?”

  Tessa chuckled. “We both know you’re going to need at least four more phone calls before your date. My brain needs more sleep if I’m going to come up with brilliant solutions to your problems.”

  I smiled. “Okay, okay. Get your brain-sleep. I’ll call you again in a few hours.”

  “Nothing before nine.”

  “Nothing before nine,” I agreed.

  * * *

  Tessa was wrong. I only called her three more times before my date with Chase. I had no idea what I’d done in life to score such an amazing best friend, but I was seriously lucky when it came to Tessa. She talked me out of my panic attacks each and every time. But when the time for the date arrived, I knew it was all down to me.

  A knock came at my door just as I was about to head down to the living room. I was supposed to be meeting Chase there to watch a movie. Dad was already working in his office, and Tessa was ready to call the home phone in exactly one hour. The plan was perfectly set up, but I still hadn’t decided if I was going to go through with it.

  I checked myself in the mirror one last time before I went to open the door. I was wearing a pair of nice jeans and a tank top, and I’d applied a little mascara and lip gloss to finish my look. I hadn’t gone overboard because it felt weird to dress up too much in my own home, but I’d tried to make myself look nice for Chase.

  When I opened the door, he was standing on the other side, his hands clasped behind his back. He smiled brightly when he saw me. “I see you’re wearing the hot jeans,” he said, his eyes sparkling with mischief.

  “How do you know about my hot jeans?”

  He laughed. “I might have been walking past your room earlier, and you had your phone on speaker. Tessa was yelling at you to put on your hot jeans.”

  I blushed and shook my head. “She insisted on video calling me to see what I was wearing.”

  “Well, you look great.”

  “Thanks.”

  It seemed I wasn’t the only one who had put in some effort. Chase had shaved, and the skin on his face looked so smooth I felt an uncontrollable urge to brush my fingers across it. I could smell a hint of his expensive cologne, and he was wearing a freshly ironed shirt that highlighted his broad frame.

  “So, the movie?” he asked, nodding toward the corridor.

  “The movie,” I agreed. I took a step forward to follow him from my room, but one step was all it took to feel a strong surge of guilt rise up inside of me. Outside my room lay the final stage of the plan and the daunting prospect of Chase leaving Fairview forever. My room, on the other hand, was safe. Nothing had to change if I just stayed in my room. The question was, did I want things to change.

  “You okay, Ally?”

  My eyes darted up to meet Chase’s. He’d noticed my hesitation, and I was guessing he could see the turmoil in my eyes. All I needed to do was keep walking, to follow Chase down the stairs and into the living room. My limbs had frozen up though and were refusing to make the move. My mind was urging them on, but it appeared they were firmly within the command of my heart right now.

  “Ally, what’s wrong?” Chase asked.

  My pulse started rapidly firing, and tiny droplets of sweat formed on the back of my neck. It was time to make a choice. Time to do what Tessa suggested and trust my gut. Only my gut wasn’t providing me with the definitive answer I needed.

  Things might have changed between Chase and me, but I kept thinking back to that dance. I could forgive our bickering over the years, but I couldn’t seem to get past the fact he’d gone so far out of his way to make me so miserable. It was the reason I couldn’t bring myself to abort Operation Pest Control, but Chase had said that I was wrong about what had happened three years ago, and I began to wonder if my hatred of him was based on a lie.

  “Chase, why did you tell me I always jump to the wrong conclusions?” I asked, my voice barely louder than a whisper. “Why did you tell me that I’d jumped to the wrong conclusion at the dance all those years ago?”

  Chase reached out and ran his hands down the outside of my arms. My skin tingled at his touch, and I couldn’t seem to look away from his eyes. They were normally the lightest shade of blue, but right now, they were shining like they were edged with steel. “Why are you asking me this now?”

  “Does it matter why?”

  He shook his head but didn’t respond straight away. His expression was vulnerable, and his eyes seemed to implore me to be gentle. My stomach dipped because, whatever he was about to say, I knew it wasn’t going to be the response I expected.

  “Ally, the reason I said those things to Declan all those years ago wasn’t because I hated you.” He said the words slowly, and there was a flicker of nerves in his voice that hadn’t been there before. My pulse was racing in anticipation as he went to continue. “In fact, it was the exact opposite. He didn’t deserve you, and I liked you so much that I couldn’t stand to see you with him.”

  My heart fluttered with surprise, but at the same time, my stomach dropped. Chase might have liked me, but that didn’t excuse his actions. “So, if you couldn’t have me, no one could?”

  Chase immediately shook his head. “No, it wasn’t like that,” he said. “I could have stood by and watched you date someone else if it was going to make you happy, but I could only handle that if the guy deserved you. You were this perfect, beautiful person, and Declan wasn’t a guy worthy of you. You never saw the way he talked about girls in the locker rooms, and he was just as much of a dick then as he is now. He just bothered to hide it back then.”

  “But if you liked me, why have you been mean to me ever since?”

  “Because it takes two people to create a conflict, and after that day, every conversation with you was a battle whether I liked it or not. I knew you hated me, and I think I convinced myself that I hated you too.”

  I frowned at his explanation. “So, have you hated me all this time?”

  He gave me a sad smile. “I didn’t have a choice, Ally, because if I didn’t hate you, I would love you, and loving you would only break my heart.”

  I stared into his eyes, my own heart faltering at his admission. My blood ran cold, and my skin turned to ice as I tried to stop tears from welling in my eyes. Chase was right; I had jumped to the wrong conclusion all those years ago. I’d created an enemy out of a boy whose only fault was loving me, and my heart was breaking from his words.

  I knew now I had the answer I needed, and no shred of doubt remained in my mind. Chase wasn’t the evil guy I’d always believed he was. I was falling for this impossible, beautiful boy, but if I acted on my feelings, he would
be kicked out of our house and gone forever. It had been the whole stupid plan all along.

  As everything slowly started to sink in, I had to look away so he couldn’t see the pain welling in my eyes. I’d put myself in this position, and it was exactly what I deserved given I’d come up with this plan to begin with.

  I swallowed and took a step out of Chase’s arms, instantly despising the distance I was putting between us. A small crease formed between Chase’s brow, and I knew that stepping away was the last thing he expected me to do after what he’d said.

  “I’m not sure if this is a good idea,” I murmured.

  His expression fell. “Why? What’s wrong?”

  I took another small step back from him.

  “Ally?”

  I shook my head, my heart skipping a painful beat as he said my name. He took a step toward me, but I lifted my hands, warding him away.

  “I thought the truth about the dance would help convince you that I’m in this for real,” he said.

  But I shook my head again. I wished he’d stop speaking, because the more he talked, the more difficult it was to push him away like I knew I had to.

  “It hasn’t convinced me of anything,” I lied.

  Chase wasn’t buying it though. “Ally…” He implored me again.

  My hands clenched, and I wanted to scream because I knew a few throwaway lines weren’t going to cut it if I wanted him to let this drop. We couldn’t be together, and I needed him to stop liking me. If I was going to rebuild the walls between us, I needed to do some serious damage.

  “Will you just talk with me?”

  I somehow managed not to crumble and kept myself composed as I hardened my gaze. “Can’t you see this is all too much?” I said. “I just wanted someone to hook up with, and who better than a well-known player like Chase Williams. Instead, here you are spouting crap about love.”

  The color drained from Chase’s face as my words lashed out at him. “You don’t mean that.”