Smash into You

by Sherry Soule

  “How do you know about that?” I asked, my voice sounding loud and shrill.

  “This is a small college,” Jade said. “No one keeps secrets from us.”

  I glanced at Brooklyn, who struggled not to look away. The frosty evening breeze felt like icy fingers stroking my hot skin.

  Tears invaded my eyes. Bile rose in my throat. I was gonna hurl on Jade’s white Manolo Blahniks. “I didn’t send that email. I-I would never do that!”

  “Then prove it,” Brooklyn said.

  Claire’s expression darkened. “Or maybe she’s guilty.”

  Jade tapped a slender finger against her chin and narrowed her eyes. “Serena, we also know that you’ve been lying about why you transferred schools. We have to do background checks on PNMs, and we found yours quite…odd. Is there anything you want to tell us?”

  A nasty, icky lump formed in my chest. “Actually there is…” I said slowly.

  “Just say it,” Brooklyn said.

  “Whatever’s in that report might be falsified.” I stared at a small black bug crawling up the railing near my arm and swatted it away. The squirming insect hit the ground by my feet. “Someone stole my wallet over spring break in Florida and, um, it’s a case of identity theft. And you guys already know everything else about me.”

  “Not everything.” Brooklyn eyed me warily. “Even if what you say is true, there’s still a two month period where it seems as though you ceased to exist. You didn’t run off to an inhabited island, so where did you disappear to?”

  My palms were sweating and my heart was thumping so hard it was nearly choking me.

  I could still come clean. Right now. Tell the truth.

  I quashed the bug under my shoe and didn’t look up. “I, um, went to one of those private spas in Switzerland to get away for a while.”

  So I didn’t tell the truth. I told another small lie.

  But in my defense, I couldn’t just blurt out the truth to the Zeta Betas and not have them look at me with pity or even horror. Saying that I was rockin’ the crazy pants wouldn’t get me more friends, only lose the ones I had.

  “You mean you had plastic surgery?” Brooklyn asked, peering closely at my face. “I told you guys that she had a nose job! No one’s snout is that perfect.”

  “But it doesn’t explain why you lied about transferring schools,” Claire said.

  “I was ashamed? About my rhinoplasty…” I said, although I’d never had any work done in my life.

  “You’re wasting our time, Serena,” Jade said with her arms crossed. “And I’m losing patience. Either do as we demand, or we’ll expose you for the horrid storyteller that you are.”

  “Are you blackmailing me?” I asked, knitting my fingers tightly together.

  “Now that’s an ugly way to put it,” Claire said, her voice lowering to a menacing tone.

  “I could go to the dean,” I threatened.

  “You’re a compulsive liar, so why would they believe anything you say?”

  There was a harsh reality to her words. I’d brought this misery upon myself.

  My body quavered and I mentally shook myself. I figured my innocent lies would catch up with me eventually, but telling the truth, on the other hand, was difficult and uncomfortable. My nerve endings felt as taut as a high-tension wire. I guess lying through my teeth had been an extremely immature thing to do. But all those lies felt like a way to control my world and avoid the embarrassing truth. Now my wild stories had snowballed into bigger and bigger kinds of deceptions. I could fess up, although it seemed a little late now.

  And what was I supposed to say? That I got savagely dumped, then had a major meltdown, and ended up in a mental institution? Yeah, like that would win me the most cool points. No sorority would take me after hearing that ugly truth.

  Before I could answer, Jade held up a slim hand. Her aloof and calm attitude totally gone. “And don’t tell me you lied about your past because you were trying to impress us or you thought it made you seem more sympathetic,” she said in a icily calm voice. “This time I want the truth.”

  I drew in a deep breath, trying to settle my pounding heart. “The truth is that my dad is a senator, my mom died in a car accident, and I lived in Laguna Beach until a few months ago. I went through a really bad breakup and I didn’t want anyone to know about it.” I heavily sighed. I knew when I was beaten. “I guess I just wanted to reinvent myself when I came to Beaumont…and I only lied to protect my family and I-I didn’t think I was hurting anyone.”

  I couldn’t tell them the rest. About what happened after my heart had gotten stomped on repeatedly.

  Claire scoffed. “This is not the type of girl we want at Zeta Beta. One who treats people like idiots by mocking them with blatant lies.”

  “You don’t understand,” I pleaded. “My dad forbid me from telling anyone the truth, so I just made stuff up. It was harmless—”

  “No, it was pathetic,” Claire said. “And what about that STD rumor? How do we know that’s not true? We can’t have skanky hos like you in Zeta Beta. Only women who respect themselves and others.”

  “That’s going a bit far, Claire,” Brooklyn said. “Serena wouldn’t start rumors about herself like that. She might be a liar, but she’s not crazy.”

  Not exactly true. I caught Jade’s suspicious eye, and quickly looked away.

  “It’s cold out here,” Brooklyn said, hugging herself against the chill breeze. “Take the whiskey and go back to your dorm.”

  “There’s no way I’m doing this,” I said, backing away. “If I get caught, I’ll get expelled.”

  “You already have so many infractions that your legacy status is the only thing keeping us from dropping you like a bad habit,” Jade replied. “You’re still on probation.”

  “You do realize what you’re giving up if you don’t do what we ask, right?” Brooklyn crossed her slim arms over her chest. “You’ll never be one of us.”

  “You’ll be alone,” Claire said. “No sisters. No real social life. You might as well crawl back under the rock you clawed your way out of.”

  I stared hard at glassy-eyed Claire. “Did you grow your hair out just to cover up the three sixes on your scalp?”

  Claire glared at me, but did not respond.

  I gazed at the Zeta Beta house, my breath making puffy clouds in the cool air. I stared at the paned-windows where I’d first spied Claire, Jade, and Brooklyn. I recalled the intense longing I had felt. The loneliness like a void that I thought would consume me.

  I wanted to be a Zeta Beta sister. I wanted Paris. But a girl had to draw the line somewhere. And this was the place. I was sick of them screwing with me.

  “I’m not going to get a man fired,” I said, finding the courage to look each one of them in the eye. “There are certain things I won’t do to join a sorority.”

  “It’s your funeral,” Jade said. “We’re having a chapter meeting next week to discuss some issues that have recently transpired with two PNMs and I expect you to attend.”

  Claire stepped forward. “And maybe you should consider de-pledging in front of the other girls that night. Everyone will want to know why we’re renouncing your bid.”

  My legs quaked as I turned away from them. Turned away from the life I was so desperate to have. Turned my back on my Paris dreams. All because I refused to participate in these humiliating traditions that pledges were forced to do.

  The sorority hater wanted me to de-pledge and leave Beaumont. Maybe they’d finally won.

  CONFESSIONS

  All week I tried not to think about snubbing the Zeta Beta trio by saying no to their insane hazing request or how I’d been outed for my lies. I’d only made matters worse by making up more stories about why I’d transferred to Beaumont. I was digging a hole so deep, I might never be able to claw my way out of it.

  And I might’ve successfully destroyed my only chance to go to Paris. I would probably never be a Zeta Beta sister. Now I would be alone and friendless.


  Suddenly I wanted to cry. Just breakdown into gut wrenching, self-pitying sobs and hide in my dorm room with my comforter over my head. Veronica was rarely here, between her various study groups and clubs, but eventually someone would find my body all shriveled and mummy-wrapped in my blankets. But that kind of self-destructive behavior had landed me in the nuthouse. At least Vanessa didn’t hate me and I still had Cole.

  Unless I found another way to appease my dad or the Zeta Betas, I was screwed. And I didn’t have a clue how to redeem myself and still get a bid from the sorority. There had to be a way to salvage the situation without spiking the professor’s coffee just to pacify them.

  Cole was shocked yet understanding when I told him about the horrible prank, and how I feared my trip to Paris would be canceled, and my worry over disappointing my father.

  The next couple of days passed in a flood of studying, painting, walking Maximus with Cole, and secret make-out sessions. And each late-night hookup had me listening for footfalls and looking over my shoulder for Zeta Beta spies. Just to be safe until I thought of a clever solution to my recruitment issues or decided to de-pledge, it would be wise not to make the ZBs even more upset by any PDA with Cole.

  Every time I saw him, Cole would find some way to covertly touch me or kiss me. We made out behind the library after lunch one afternoon, my body trembling with nerves and paranoia the whole time. Yet somehow all the sneaking around only made our time together hotter. The only bright spot in my week was getting a text from Cole saying he needed to see me right away.

  I grabbed my coat and rushed out of the dorm. When I arrived at the ATO frat house, Cole took my hand and led me through the common room, then upstairs and down the hallway to his bedroom. He opened the door, and Maximus licked my hand, then the dog ran downstairs to his food bowl. Beyond the threshold, the only light came from a desk lamp.

  “Why did you need to see me?” I asked.

  “Go inside,” Cole said.

  My pulse skipped and prodded me over the threshold. “What’s the matter? Your text sounded urgent.”

  Cole closed the door behind us. “It was urgent. I missed you today.”

  He stepped behind me, then slid off my jacket and let it fall to the ground. Moving my hair aside, he softly touched my neck with his lips and my eyes fluttered closed. Then Cole turned me around and took me into his strong embrace, kissing me deeply. I grasped at the back of his shirt and pulled him closer until a noise in the hallway made me jump away.

  Cole took my hand, tugging me toward the bed. “It’s okay,” he said. “No one’s home. I promise.”

  “We’re going to get caught or seen together,” I said, my heart pounding in my throat. “We shouldn’t do this anymore.”

  “You worry too much. We need to discover a loophole in that no dating ATOs policy if you’re still pledging a sorority.”

  “Yeah, that would be nice. Maybe if I’m ever officially a Zeta Beta, I can get them to drop it.”

  “And if they don’t? Then what?” Cole asked with a frown. “We can’t sneak around forever. We’re going to get caught eventually.”

  “I know—you’re right.” I blew out a breath that ruffled my hair. “But we can’t go public until Pledge Hell ends.”

  “You could go to the Panhel and report that their hazing methods have gotten out of control,” he said.

  “The Panhel? What’s that?”

  “It’s the Panhellenic Association. All the sororities fall under their jurisdiction. Maybe you should turn the ZB into them.”

  “I don’t know about that. I might be able to get them to yield their hazing rituals—”

  “Ugh!” He grunted and threw his hands up into the air. “What is it with you and this sorority? There are other ones on campus, Serena.”

  “I’m well aware of that, Cole!” I snapped. “But I really like what they stand for—besides their bizarre pledge requirements—and my mom was a Zeta Beta. Plus, it might be too late to pledge other sororities when my grade-point average is so sucky and that STD rumor is still buzzing around campus!”

  A tense silence, heavy and dark like a passing cloud, enveloped us. When the uncomfortable friction grew, I spoke again.

  “I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on you. I know you’re only looking out for me.”

  “I’m sorry, too. I just care about you so much.” Cole’s expression softened as he stared deeply into my eyes as if searching for something. “And I don’t want to fight, but I can tell there’s something else you’re not telling me. Something other than the sorority drama. Talk to me. Please.”

  My brows slightly drew together. “I want to tell you everything, but I’m afraid.”

  Cole stared at me, the silver ring crinkled when he raised his brow. “Of what?”

  “That you’ll look at me differently,” I whispered, hanging my head.

  He placed his warm hand over mine. “Give me a chance to prove you wrong. I’m not like other guys. Please trust me.”

  I slid my hand from under his and rested it in my lap.

  You can do this. Tell someone the truth.

  “The real reason I left EBU and transferred here was because of what happened to me last spring, and, well, where I was sent afterwards. Remember how I told you about my ex who cheated on me with my best friend Alyssa?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. What a dumbass.”

  “Well, there’s a lot more to the story…” The betrayal still felt like—the ultimate sucker punch to the gut. I licked my dry lips and forced myself to continue. “After I discovered that lying-sack of shit was cheating on me, I couldn’t stay in my dorm room anymore, so I moved back home and missed three weeks of classes. I hid in my bedroom, mostly crying and watching Netflix. Then one night I saw a photo of them posted on Facebook. Seth had given Alyssa a diamond ring that would have made even J. Lo blush…” My voice cracked and tears filled my eyes.

  “Go on. You can tell me,” he said softly.

  It was time to unleash the truth.

  “I was so stressed about what a GPA killer my absence had caused and devastated about my ex’s engagement to my roommate that I basically shut down. I became deeply depressed and basically stopped eating and refused to leave the house.”

  “That’s some messed up shit,” Cole said, his voice low and compassionate. “No wonder you have trouble trusting men.”

  I shrugged. “It gets worse…my depression got so bad that I lost a bunch of weight and I refused to go back to school.” I turned my head to avoid his eyes and shifted my weight. “So after a few weeks, my dad put me in the mental hospital for seventy-two hours of involuntary confinement. I ended up staying there for two months.” I swallowed hard and forced myself to continue. “Hospitalization is not much fun. It’s boring, the clothes are incredibly unfashionable, and the cuisine makes college food look appetizing. The crafts were the highlight of my day, but I still have a vague suspicion that the only purpose of art therapy is to entertain bored patients.”

  My insides trembled at the memories. Suddenly I remembered my dad and me settling into chairs with a small table between us like a barricade, trying to weave a conversation together from stray and twisted comments, while pretending that my being institutionalized was utterly normal.

  “At first, every time I opened my mouth, I lied to my therapist, until one day, I tried being honest.” My voice sounded weak and watery, failing to conceal the raw emotions. “And despite my social phobia, it was strangely easy to talk about my problems, because everyone was very nonjudgmental and going through the same shit I was. I didn’t realize how lonely I was, feeling like the only crazy person in the world, until I met others like me. Over time, I started feeling better. More like my old self, but I couldn’t go back to my old life. I knew I had to start over and take all my crazy with me.”

  “You’re an amazing woman, Serena.” Cole tugged on his earlobe and his voice came out low and gentle. “You’ve been through hell and sur
vived. You’ve been harassed and stalked, and you’re still standing. You might be one of the strongest people I know.”

  “So…you’re not turned-off or freaked out that you’re dating a former mental patient?”

  “No!” He shook his head. “You sought help for your problems and I think that’s commendable.”

  “I guess…after I was released, I didn’t want to return to EBU in the fall, so I applied to a few colleges out of state, but Beaumont was the only one with an awesome art department. But since I moved here, I’ve been terrified that no one sane would ever understand me, and my dad made me feel like an epic weirdo because I had a mini-breakdown.”

  “Your ex sounds like a total D-bag and your dad only did what he thought was best for your mental health.” Cole put his arm around my shoulder. “Look, I don’t care if you were cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs before we hooked up.” He smiled to soften those teasing words and kissed my nose. “I only care about you, Serena. And I appreciate you telling me all this.”

  I sniffled, hugging him back. “I don’t know why I kept lying to everyone about why I’d transferred…I guess I just thought it was better than telling people the awkward truth. It was dumb and immature, and I don’t know why I did it.”

  “They were only white lies. Don’t beat yourself up about it,” he said, rubbing my back.

  After all this time of keeping the truth buried inside, I’d finally told someone. Something warm stirred inside my chest. All the tension left my body. My embarrassingly bad choices in men and my visit to the nuthouse wasn’t a big deal to Cole and it hadn’t resulted in a terrible breakup.

  Cole tenderly kissed my forehead. “Everyone screws up and makes bad choices. My mom would call it growing up.”

  I nodded, faintly smiling. “But they don’t usually end up in psychiatric care. We’re pretty screwed up, huh?”

  “Yup. But we make a good pair.”

  I took what felt like my first full breath since last year. The weight of the past floated away with my slow exhale. “Thank you for being so understanding and putting up me.”