“How do you feel now?” Sky asked, looking me over for any lasting signs of damage.
“Better, just a little sore, but nothing I can’t handle,” I said, pressing the button down again. I saw Sky’s nervous glance dart straight to the trigger at my side. Her gorgeous hazel green eyes dilated to the size of quarters when she realized what was happening.
Fuck.
I should have thought about it sooner. I should have hidden my new lover from Sky. She didn’t need to know about my budding relationship with sweet, sweet bliss.
“What are you doing?” She asked, standing up off the foot of the bed and walking over to me, running her hand through my messy hair, reminding me that I needed a haircut.
“I need something for the pain, Sky.” I said matter-of-factly, hoping that would be the end of it.
It wasn’t.
“I don’t like this,” she said, picking up the trigger and examining it like it was a gun ready to go off. I couldn’t help but flinch a little at that thought. I wondered if I was ever going to be able to watch another shoot-em up movie without being scared every time a gun would fire.
“Yeah, Jason, this isn’t a good idea, do they know about your problems with addiction?” Connor asked, throwing all the cards out on the table. He was never one to beat around the bush. I had to lie to them quick, I already saw how this was going to play out. They were going to take it from me. The one thing I needed in this world, they were going to take it from me. So I had to lie.
“I just told one of the nurses. I don’t want everyone here knowing, this is the place where I work, remember guys,” I said, reminding them that they usually wouldn’t disclose their hard pasts with coworkers unless they needed to. In the back of my head, I knew this was a completely different scenario, but I just didn’t want to believe it.
The drugs were already changing me and I was too blind to realize. Since when did I ever lie to Sky and Connor? I stopped that when I moved out of the crack house once Patrick died. My fists clenched at the thought of Patrick, his lifeless body suffocated from our own debauchery. Then the nightmare I had while I was in the coma came rushing back, drawing beads of sweat from the top of my forehead. It was so fucking vivid. I wiped the cold drops of sweat away before Sky could notice.
“And what is she going to do?” Sky asked, still not dropping the subject. She didn’t drop the release mechanism either, holding it in her small hands, away from my reach.
“She’s monitoring how much I use. Those things have safeguards anyway, I’m not going to overdose or anything, sis.”
“Well cut it out as soon as you can, you’re stronger than that.”
Connor was still mostly quiet, I could see his body tense with stress. This whole thing must have been such an ordeal for them as well, finding out that their brother was in the hospital while they were tanning somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. And Connor was the impressionable type, the one who couldn’t watch scary movies when he was little because he wouldn’t go to sleep for weeks after. This must have been leaving a mark on him. Sky seemed more put together, she was the one who thought logically, rationally. She put things together and realized how life worked.
“I will, sis,” I said, promising her but already feeling the need to snatch the trigger from her grip and press the button. I wanted to lurch up and grab it out of her hand, the urgency in me was telling me to do it. It was becoming stronger and stronger.
“How’s mom and dad?” I asked, trying to push aside the thought of taking another hit.
“Hanging in there, we were worried about them too. Mom wouldn’t come out of her room for the longest time,” Sky said, the pain from all this painted clearly across her features. It broke my heart hearing that, the thought of my mother buried underneath a pile of bed sheets, trying to forget the fact that I may have been dying. Something she had to deal with when I was off taking hit after hit and shot after shot, who would have known that old life was threatening to come back full force?
“She’ll be ok,” Connor said, sounding as though he were trying to reassure himself more so than either of us. He looked away and out through the window, the bright LA sun beaming through the open curtains, mountains cutting across the skyline from far. For the shortest moment, a stunning bluebird perched itself on the window ledge, letting out a lone chirp before flying off to find its nest.
“Thanks guys.” I looked at my two siblings, a powerful wave of love coming over me. Growing up, I found it hard to become attached to them, to find the brotherly love I was told I was supposed to feel. To be honest, I felt jealous. I was the first born, the one that craved the attention, the rebel that lashed out when no one was looking at him anymore. So here come two little twerps, stealing my spotlight, being the reason everyone was smiling. It was hard to digest. I was resentful of them for the longest time, finding solitude with my best friend Patrick, the brother I could choose.
When Patrick died, who was there for me? Sky and Connor. The two that I had neglected throughout my childhood were the ones that were there to pick me up and take me to safety. I didn’t call them right away. It was probably five days after Patrick had overdosed that I rang Connor who rushed to the street corner I was sitting down at, my eyes a startling bloodshot red, my face gaunt and skeleton like from all the drugs and drinking. He hadn’t seen me in months, so the shock was shown clearly across his features as he stepped out of his car and helped me into the passenger seat.
That was the same day I checked into rehab and started getting my shit together.
When I was in there, Sky would visit me every day after school. She’d bring whatever book she was reading for class and sit there, on the beige, bland couch in the beige, bland room spruced up with various fake, dull green plants, a small artificial waterfall trickling in the corner. It felt comfortable having my little sister there. Sometimes she would talk to me about her school dances, or her annoying history teacher that always nagged the students about Christopher Columbus being someone that history painted in the wrong light. I wasn’t sure where that man got his teaching credentials but I always wondered whether I should report him to the better business bureau or wherever you go to report bad teachers.
Sky told me that would be the principal.
She was going places in life.
“You don’t need to thank us,” Sky said, her hair falling down on her face, hiding a lone tear rolling down her cheek.
“Sky, Connor!”
Then, like a break in the storm, there was Courtney, standing in the doorway to my room, smiling brightly at us, blissfully unaware of the deeply emotional scene that had just occurred. And for some reason, I found that incredibly attractive, her childlike wonder and attitude towards life. Everything was always a positive for this girl. She knew how to change a mood in the room on a dime, and she had full control of it too. All of us smiled a bit, pushing aside the darkness that had been creeping in on our moods. Why did we have to be so sad? I was fucking alive. And the truth of it all? I was beginning to feel more alive than ever before, and that feeling was growing as I looked at Courtney, the source of my hope.
And then I looked down at the plastic tubing running through my arm and I sighed.
“Court!” My brother said, hugging her close. I saw him lower his walls too, his previous persona shed for someone that seemed happy now. It was like an awkward stranger quickly became a long-lost friend. His shoulders relaxed and his hands looked limp at his side instead of held up in tight fists.
“You didn’t tell me you were coming to visit! I could have brought you guys some kickass food. I’m in with the cafeteria girls now so they make me some special stuff,” she said, revealing her secret to us, causing Sky to giggle.
“No seriously, I got this awesome kale salad with pecans and bleu cheese. I didn’t even know they had kale here!”
“Please tell me you’re not following that fad too?” I asked, not being able to resist poking a little fun at her. I felt as though I was back in middl
e school, bumping into the girl I liked and calling her funny names just to throw her off my tracks. She couldn’t know I liked her, girls were icky back then. Now of course it was a different story. Now I needed her to know how much I wanted her. But I still found myself reverting to middle school tactics to do it. She was turning me into a bumbling idiot.
Me.
A full grown man who’s had his fair share of experiences with women was now being turned into silly putty.
And I fucking loved it.
“Why yes, Dr. Silvers. Yes I am. And I will have you know, kale has helped me lose a whole four pounds. Nutella on the other hand has helped me gain them back plus three. So there’s that,” she said dejectedly as she pushed her cart of files off to the side. Funny thing was that she didn’t look like she had any trouble with weight whatsoever. She had the perfect yoga body, the ones that stretch out those yoga pants just right and begged to be fondled. She was nowhere near stick thin, she was just perfect.
“If Connor actually stops me from turning into a Nutella eating monster whenever we study together then maybe I won’t have this problem,” she said, nudging my brother playfully. I watched them together, an ease about their interactions that showed a strong friendship underneath.
“Speaking of studying, I have to go. We have that midterm tomorrow, which I’m sure you already know all about it?” He said to Courtney accusingly.
“Of course. I’ve been studying since last Sunday,” she didn’t sound too convincing, “by the way, I’m gonna need to borrow your notes tonight.”
“You never surprise me,” Connor said, smiling as he hugged her goodbye. He walked over to me and kissed me on the forehead, something he had never done before. He looked down at me and I realized how much this kid loved me and how much I loved him back. The poor guy was scared he was going to lose his big brother, and that broke my heart even more. I suddenly became very aware of the drugs running through my system, threatening to take Connor’s big brother all over again.
“I love you. Now get better,” he said, resting his hand on my shoulder just before turning to leave, giving space for Sky to come in and hug me, her hair falling over my face and smelling like vanilla shampoo. She didn’t say anything, she just kissed the same spot Connor did and smiled down at me. She knew I would be ok.
“Let’s go grab mom and dad,” Sky said, looping a hand around her brother’s waist and walking out the door.
With my siblings both gone, Courtney then put up a finger, beckoning me to wait, and returned a minute later with a wheelchair in front of her.
“Get in, bitch. We’re going shopping.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Getting me into a wheelchair was no easy feat, but after a few minutes of awkward struggling and nervous laughing, I was sitting on the wheelchair without having revealed too much of my ass.
Fuck it, I’m sure she liked it.
“Wow, I almost forgot what fresh air felt like,” I said as she wheeled me through the automatic sliding doors and out into the bright sunlight. The air was crisp, even for Los Angeles standards which usually meant that thirty percent smog was acceptable. She brought us over to a patch of emerald green grass, its blades standing at attention and capturing the life-giving sun in their photosynthetic chloroplasts. What evolutionary geniuses, taking food from sunlight, the one source of energy that proved to be the most difficult to deplete.
Thankfully, of course.
She sat down on the grass in front of me, cross-legged in her light blue volunteer scrubs.
“Wait, shouldn’t you be volunteering?” I asked.
“I am. You think I actually want to be spending my time here?” she asked, breaking character and laughing towards the end.
“You’re right. I forgot I was the physician version of a charity case.”
“Seriously, could you become any bigger of a burden?”
“Roll me down this hill and we could find out,” I said, smirking at her. I must have looked ridiculous in my plain white hospital gown, my tattoos a stark contrast from the pure material that looked like an awkwardly constructed potato bag. But I was still confident, my shoulders held back and my gaze was not breaking from Courtney, her beauty enticing me to stare at her for hours. I could get lost watching her move around, ease to everything she did.
“Are you daring me to push you?” She asked and I almost thought she was about to do it.
“Don’t worry, I would never. I feel like you’d just bounce back up and prove you’re some invincible alien sent to run observational tests on us frail humans.”
“Your imagination sure does run wild doesn’t it?” I asked, still taken aback by her persona, one that felt so perfectly fucking right.
“Eh, I read a lot when I was a kid,” she said, shrugging off the greatest gift she could have ever received, the gift that kept her childhood traits without trapping her in a childhood mentality. She was the kind of girl that made you feel like you’ve both known each other for years and years. The type of girl that you wanted to take home to your mother and then sneak upstairs to fuck on your childhood bed and then go back to the hotel to have more mind-blowing sex before lulling each other to sleep with the patterns of each other’s breathing.
“So you are smart then?” I joked.
“Ha. Ha. Very funny. I will have you know I was five-time spelling bee champion at my regional tournament,” she gloated proudly, sticking her chest out and carrying her chin up higher. I got a glimpse of her perfectly tender neck, begging for my teeth to glide over.
“Wow, very impressive,” I said as if talking to a ten-year-old proudly bragging about her A+ in math class.
“Asshole,” she said and we both started laughing. Out there, in the LA evening day, I found myself laughing after I almost lost my life to some fucking lunatic. Then suddenly everything shifted underneath me as a flashback of my nightmare crossed my vision again. The horrible memory of that scarring night terror snatched the air from my lungs. It happened so quickly but the effect was long enough for Courtney to see my drastic change in mood.
“You ok? I was joking,” she said, putting her hand on my knee. It sent small electric shocks run up my thighs and straight towards my cock. Even in my current mood, this girl’s touch could turn me on.
She was special.
“It’s not you,” I said, trying not to focus on her small hand squeezing my leg, “I just had a weird dream.”
“What was it about?”
I wanted to tell her, I really did, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t put the thing into words for fear of making it real. As much as I was falling for Courtney, I couldn’t burden her with that, not yet. I wasn’t even sure if I could ever tell her what my nightmare consisted of.
“I’d rather forget it sooner than later,” I said, closing off the subject to any more discussion. It was quick and cold of me, but it was necessary and Courtney got the hint. She was an adult just as much as she had that childishness about her. She may have been blunt and ignorant to certain social cues, but part of me understood that she was much smarter than she let on.
“Don’t worry about it then,” she tried to change subjects, “so what’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get home?”
Jack off.
“Sleep probably. Then finish watching Breaking Bad before I have to come back to work.”
“Shit, you still haven’t seen the finale?”
“I’ve been sort of preoccupied,” I said, motioning down at my attractive hospital garb. She smiled at me, not apologetic about anything.
“Well, it’s good,” she said, her head looking down and her dirty blonde, messed up ponytail flopping to the side as she played with a green blade of photosynthetic grass. She looked back up in the half-way look I thought only girls on hipster Instagrams did, but there was no filter on Courtney. This was just her.
And then a sharp pain shot through my chest and my hand instinctively clutched the armrest of the wheelchair, searching for the little button to re
lease its miracle working drug. But there was no button. Nothing to control the pain and take away the edge. I felt my blood start running cold. Courtney was saying something, but I wasn’t fully processing it, the full blown wave of panic teetering on the edge of my psyche, threatening to pull me down into a full blown panic attack. I needed it.
This was getting stronger.
“Can we go back?” I said, feeling beads of sweat start to form at the edge of my hairline, trailing down into my eyebrows, “I’m not feeling so hot.”
“Yeah, of course,” Courtney said, shooting up from the grass and jumping behind me to push me forward and into the hospital. She must have noticed something was wrong because she pushed me pretty fast, not talking too much the whole way. She helped me back into my bed and called over a nurse who replaced my tubing, the ones that provided all I needed.
I felt complete now. Like I could finally breathe.
And with that breath came a sadness that I couldn’t shake, no matter how hard Courtney tried to take me out of it. And try she did. She sat there next to me for close to an hour, just keeping me company. I didn’t mind it either, I just didn’t feel like I was fully there. My mind was beginning to tune out, muddled by the codeine killing my senses, knocking them off in droves. I drifted further and further from her until I felt my eyelids grow heavy, pulling me down into a deep sleep.
I woke up a few hours later, Courtney nowhere in sight. I blinked away a bit of the fog and stretched out a little, feeling a blunt pressure where the bullet had previously shredded right through. The pain was a signal for me to release more painkillers into my system. I was sure the machine’s safety mechanism had been triggered, slowing the delivery of codeine into my system. I may have not even been getting any meds at all, but the act of pushing that button pleased my brain enough. For now at least.
Numbed (The White Coat Series) Page 3