Teach Me Your Love

by Rita Hestand

  "Did you enjoy it."

  She nodded. "It was beautiful."

  He nodded, again smiling.

  "Now, tell me," his voice cajoled. "Why did you run away?" His tone was indulgent, his face showed no anger. He had the patience of a turtle, she mused. "Are you afraid of me?"

  The way he asked the question, so softly, so concerned, had her staring at him.

  "Aren't I supposed to run away? Don't you expect me to try to get away? Or do you think I should sit here and accept my fate?"

  "No, I don't expect you to just accept it. But you are a woman, and you are not familiar with our land. As I told you, the white man would reject you now. That doesn't seem to bother you though. I wonder why? Husbands have been known to shun a woman who has been taken by the Indians. Do you not know this?"

  She nodded again.

  "You do?"

  "Yes. I've seen some back in Missouri."

  He twisted his head in a comical way.

  "It is dangerous in the dessert alone. There are snakes, bears, mountain lions, scorpions and all manner of creatures that would as soon eat you as look at you. Even wild boars, they could kill you."

  "You're just trying to scare me now."

  "Not at all. I am glad you are alright. Every place you have been, has different dangers, and one must know of those dangers. You are not familiar with our land, it would be easy to die here. I do not wish you to die."

  Those words stilled her.

  "I'm white, how can I exist here, no one speaks my language but you. And my white husband would take me back, if I was inclined to go there."

  Had she said that aloud?

  He was quiet a moment, studying her. She could have cut her own tongue out for revealing her thoughts, he saw this.

  "Oh, he loves you?" Red Elk asked, he waited for her answer.

  The word love on an Indian's mouth sounded ridiculous. Did he even know what it meant? She couldn't answer. She didn't know the answer, sadly. John hadn't been pleased with her since he brought the other women. And she had wanted to escape him too!

  "It doesn't matter, he wouldn't reject me. It's his religion that would make him take me back. Not his feelings for me."

  "Ah…. Then he is exceptional." Red Elk smiled at her. "Do you miss him? Is that why you ran away?"

  Again, she hesitated to answer.

  His mouth fell open because she did not answer. "You do not miss your husband? Must have been some marriage."

  She licked her lips. Why was she admitting these things to an Indian? "Well, I—" She couldn't explain it. "I mean… in a way. Not exactly him. I can't explain it." She seemed restless now. "I guess I was familiar with my way of life with him. It would not be an ideal life, going back either, but it would be familiar."

  "You talk in riddles and sometimes I don't understand. But I think you are lying." Red Elk narrowed his gaze upon her. "Why would a white woman not miss her husband?"

  "Even if I explained it all, you wouldn't understand. And I do not lie."

  "I speak English very well. I think I could understand, if you would try to tell me." He smirked. "I am not an idiot, although I am sure that is what you think."

  She hesitated, then let out a breath. She had thought that. She looked at him, he was staring. "I don't think you are an idiot."

  "No?"

  "No," she said softly.

  "Then tell me." He said just as softly.

  "It's difficult to explain how I feel. I've wrestled with my feelings for a long time now."

  "Why?"

  "Why? It's complicated. Trying to find the words that would explain how you feel."

  She sighed, sure he wouldn't be able to understand what she was about to reveal. "I was married to John three years," She stopped and looked at him. "Well, I mean, I still am, I guess, if he's alive. I kind of fell out of love with him… If I ever fell in love, that is. It was nothing like what I expected. Maybe I was too young. Maybe I didn't love him to begin with."

  "Fell out of love with him?" he repeated. "Why? Did he beat you?"

  "No, he wouldn't do that." She almost laughed.

  He twisted his head and stared. "Go on. You intrigue me with your story. If he wasn't mean to you, and he didn't beat you, why would you not want to go back to him?"

  "Because I'm Christian, I believe in only having one husband, and one wife in a marriage. He doesn't. We are very incompatible, in that way. Living in the same house with two other women, who take your husband and think nothing of it. It is not easy to adjust to."

  "He didn't believe in only one man and one woman?"

  "No. After a year of marriage, he married two more women from his church and brought them home. In all fairness, I did begin to understand why, but I could not accept it."

  "Accept what?"

  "Him being Mormon."

  "You speak as if this Mormon thing is bad."

  "To me it was, yes. You see, he never told me he was a Mormon. I married him, not knowing this. I'd have never married him if I'd have known. And to bring the two women home with him, without telling me… it was too much."

  Red Elk's expression changed. His brow furrowed, his eyes had a far-off look, as though considering her words.

  "Then he is a lot like Bear Foot?"

  "Well…. Not exactly. But then… maybe."

  "I see, I guess." He shook his head. He walked around for a moment. "I see, he just brought them home without telling you about them first? Is that what you mean?"

  "Yes!"

  He rolled his eyes and turned his head.

  "You don't believe me?"

  "After talking to the soldiers, I have to believe you, but it is very strange. With that much I agree with you. I have wrestled with what they told me too. Why is this one religion allowed to take many wives when the white man's law says differently?"

  "You don't understand. They don't do it legally. And I suppose it's why he kept it secret from me."

  "Aw… so it is against the white man's law? So, if the law knew what he was doing they would be angry and put him in jail."

  "Yes, very much so. But I believe when you marry there should be honesty between you and the man you marry. I believe they should talk about things that disturb them. I didn't know he was a Mormon when I married him. My parents would never have approved the marriage, had they known. At the time I knew very little about their religion, but the other wives, told me. After it was too late to do anything about it."

  "Know what?"

  "That he would take other women as his wives. It makes a woman feel that she is not enough for her husband when he wants more than her in his bed."

  "You did not know this man well, when you married him, did you?"

  "No, I didn't. And that is my sin."

  "Mormon, what is the difference? Do they have a different God?" Red Elk wrinkled his nose.

  "No, not exactly. But the story, in their bible, makes little sense to me. If you knew anything about the bible, you would know my God does not allow more than one woman. I mean, maybe in the old Testament, but not the New. And honestly, I don't want to talk ugly about someone's religion, but it affected our marriage. Our marriage was based on lies."

  Red Elk nodded, "Go on, it is an intriguing story."

  "It is a very different way of thinking. A very different religion. And no, their God is the same, but their leader, they worship him like a God. And he is only a man. Supposedly a chosen man like Moses was, who led his people to Israel. He led them to the Great Salt Lake."

  "They have a different bible? And think some man led them to the Great Salt Lake."

  "You don't think he did this?"

  "Oh yes, he did do that, he did lead them to that area, but that does not make him any more special than a scout who leads the way on a wagon train."

  "Yes, I can see what you are saying. I agree."

  "His religion allows him to marry more than one woman at a time. And yet the white man's law does not permit it. God himself laid down the laws of
the land, it is up to us to follow them."

  "Yes. It's true. Why is he not arrested?"

  "Because he didn't go around telling everyone, including me, that he was Mormon. Perhaps he thought I would tell someone. You see, he didn't know me very well either when we married. I suppose he thought I'd accept it after a while being married to him."

  "So, he lied to you from the beginning. And to others, like his neighbors."

  "Yes. Exactly! But…. Their religion is much different than ours. I cannot accept it. It's different in more ways than just the many marriages too. The other women came without me knowing a thing about it. And one of them had a child with her. Suddenly there were all of us in one house, with one man. I wasn't raised like that. To me that in itself was sinful."

  Red Elk stared. After a moment he cleared his throat and said gently. "Fix supper, I am hungry." He told her and walked out of the wickiup.

  It was apparent he didn't believe a word she said. Either that or he was bored with her story.

  Why did he ask questions and then walk away as though she had told him nothing? He simply did not believe her. And in some way, she understood this. How many white men did she know that married more than one woman at a time?

  She shouldn't have said anything. She couldn't expect an Indian to understand it. Could she? She didn't understand John either!

  She thought of John now. Had she been unfair. After all, she was married to him. And yet, try as she might, she had lost respect for John and she knew this. How could she respect a man that lied intentionally to her? She could not tell Red Elk, so he'd understand it. And he probably did think she was lying.

  She sighed heavily. And went about preparing the turkey he had brought back from his morning hunt. She had to give him credit, he was a good hunter, they had food every night and every morning.

  Chapter Four

  She hadn't planned the escape out. Next time she'd do better. First, she had to get her bearings on where she was and how far away, she was from this Camp Tucson, had he said thirty miles? Could she walk that? It seemed a very long journey and with her feet hurting her, how could she accomplish it? And what if she went in the wrong direction, in the middle of the desert that could mean her death. The fort would be the most reasonable place to go. But her feet needed to heal before she could plan such trip.

  She had made up her mind, she didn't want to go back to John. That much she knew. If she escaped to the fort, she'd need some kind of story about herself that they could believe. But what could she tell them? She needed to think things through before she tried another escape.

  She knew she was in a land where Indians roamed freely, a long way from home. John would never just run into her here. She could invent a story and tell them her folks died in an Indian raid, then they would accept her. She hoped. She couldn't go all the way home to Missouri. She knew that. It was much too far, and she certainly had no money.

  Now that she had that solidly in her head, she felt better. She could plan her next escape. She wished her white woman's dress was in good enough shape to wear, but it was in shreds now. The Comanche had made her work in her dress every day, and it was a total mess. When she arrived here, Bear Foot had provided her a deerskin dress that fit well.

  Still, this Indian wedding with Red Elk was only two days away, she needed to escape before the wedding.

  Red Elk had been good to her, and she was surprised at that. He played his flute, brought food every day for her to cook, smiled and talked to her.

  Still she didn't belong here. Although Red Elk listened with interest, he was steadfast in insisting she was going to be his wife.

  She saw her chance when Red Elk went hunting the day before the wedding. She wrapped her feet well in pieces of her old and tattered dress. The other Indian women ignored her most of the time, so it wasn't hard to find time to herself. She ran along the creekbank. She rested under a large cottonwood. It creaked in the wind, making a lonely sound. It sounded as forlorn as her heart, as she didn't know where to go, who to turn to. It tore at her heart, because that's how she felt, lonely, deserted, alone, for the rest of her life. The dust kicked up and it was a miserable day for a walk and she knew it. But she couldn't go back either.

  What would her life be like at this fort, he was always talking about? Would she become a laundress, or a waitress? She'd have to work to support herself, or marry quickly, which was out of the question in a dress like this. Perhaps they would send her on a stage home to Missouri. They'd take one look and think she's slept with the Indians. Did the white man misjudge the Indians so? She wondered. Had she misjudged them too? Red Elk had been very understanding and good to her. She couldn't complain about his treatment of her. He was easier to live with than John even.

  But what kind of life could she have here, in an Indian village? Right now, her life looked dismal. She knew Red Elk was right about how they'd treat her. She wasn't under any illusions. She didn't want to face that either. But what choices did she have? Unless she could come up with a really good story, she was in for some hard times at the fort too.

  The stark reality hit her square in the face. What kind of life could she have now? Women that survived being captured by the Indians seldom found a good life afterwards. It scared her witless. She had no future to look forward to. If people managed to believe her story, they would pity her, and it was true, no man would have her now. No white man at least.

  Tears fell down her cheeks. A sadness gripped her.

  She knew she was not escaping to something better, but she couldn't marry an Indian. Could she? Although, when she thought of it, it wouldn't be any worse than married to John with his other two wives and son. Maybe it would be better. She had to admit Red Elk was a very handsome man.

  She leaned down to the edge of the creek and got a drink and washed her face. It felt good to be clean.

  Suddenly, she heard a noise from the bushes. She glanced around and saw a dark shadow, then a small bear cub came out. He was so cute, and very curious, the urge to pet him was too strong. She bent to touch it, its fur was soft, and he didn't seem to mind at all. That is until the Mama bear came out. She stood up, on her hind legs and made eye contact with Naomi and growled. Rearing up at her, she looked very intimidating. It was a terrifying sound. Naomi began to shake with fear.

  Should she run? Should she stand still?

  "Oh, dear God, I've done it again, haven't I? Look, I won't hurt you, if you won't hurt me… " she cried.

  She backed away, right into Red Elk's arms. "Do not move," he told her in a whisper.

  In one swift movement, he threw a rock in another direction and the bears took off to investigate.

  Naomi grabbed her chest.

  Red Elk went to make sure they were gone. Then he turned on her with a frown, "What are you doing out here?"

  "I was just going for a walk along the creek banks…" she told him knowing full well from the look on his face that he did not believe her.

  "I thought you didn't lie!" He frowned.

  She bowed her head.

  "You were running away again. You wrapped your feet. I suppose that makes good sense." He countered angrily. "Had you not seen the dust storm kicking up? Did you even take anything to eat? You did not think this through, did you?"

  She looked to the north and saw the wind stirring the earth and sighed. "I saw it too late."

  "Do you not know you cannot touch a bear cub? The mother bear was very angry. Never do such a thing."

  She nodded, breathlessly, "I won't. It was just he was so cute… "

  His mouth quirked, but he didn't smile.

  The storm roared toward them now and Red Elk grabbed her, bringing her up against his chest and he shielded her face with his powerful arms. She smothered herself into his chest, feeling his warm skin, his protective arms. And his chin resting at her forehead. He had turned them into the tree to shield them from the dust. He smelled pleasant and clean. His skin was silky to the touch. Her senses came alive. She
'd never been so aware of a man.

  She couldn't breathe well, but he took the full brunt of it. The wind whipped at them, feeling like little needles against their skin. All the while, he held her close. Her hands were on his chest, and she could feel the rapid beat of his heart, or was it her own? She could feel his soft breath against her forehead. The intimacy shocked her, for never had she felt so protected before. Oddly, the feeling of being safe had her head spinning. This man would not let anything hurt her. She was sure of that. And there was more to it than just safety, she knew that too.

  It sure changed her outlook on Indians.

  When it passed moments later, he released her slowly. She had smudges of dust all over her and so did he. He dusted her face lightly with his hand and when he looked into her eyes, he saw her expression. He cleared his throat.

  He stared into her eyes for a long moment, she felt the tension between them, but this was a new tension, different in every way. It was the tension of awareness of each other.

  She thought for a brief moment, he was going to kiss her, but he moved away and dropped his strong arms.

  "Let's get back," he told her when she looked up into his face with something akin to shock.

  He took her by the arm and led her back once more.

  He pushed her inside the wickiup and came back later.

  When he returned, he was silent, not one word, but she knew he was angry from the look on his face.

  He had washed his face and she noticed his hair was wet.

  She had done the same with the washbowl on the small counter.

  "Tomorrow we marry. You must wash tomorrow morning in the creek and wear the dress I have laid out for you."

  She glanced at the beautiful white deerskin dress with its many beads, quills and fringe. It was quite beautiful. She put her hand on it, the deerskin was so soft. "It is beautiful, who made it?"

  "My friend's wife. Do you approve of it?"

  "It's lovely, yes. I've never had anything so beautiful to wear."

  But when he seemed so adamant about the wedding, she wanted him to understand.