Teach Me Your Love

by Rita Hestand

  "Yes, yes, I know."

  "Then listen with your heart. You made a big mistake. You let that tramp, Painted Dove kiss you in front of all our people. The whole camp is talking of it. Our people feel sorry for Naomi. They have accepted her as your wife. She is your wife and deserves the respect of her people. She is one of us now. She can't go back to being white again, you know this. Everyone thinks you are in love with Painted Dove!" Big Hand shook his head. "Do you really think this would not hurt Naomi? She too lives in two worlds now, and she is lost in them."

  Red Elk stared with utter shock, "I have no feelings for Painted Dove! Where did they get such an idea? Has Painted Dove spread rumors. I have known all along what Painted Dove is. But you know as well as I that no self-respecting Apache would have me. I have little choice when it comes to women, that is why I have not married. But I chose Naomi, myself."

  "Have you told her that? A woman likes to know how she stands. Guessing isn't not a thing you should allow. Naomi loves you, you big dope." Big Hand shook his head and looked just as frustrated as Red Elk. "They got the idea from you!"

  "What are you talking about?" Red Elk folded his arms over his chest and stared at his friend.

  "Why would you let her kiss you like that in front of everyone. Now everyone wonders if the child is not yours. Naomi saw it, and you should have seen her face. It was like taking the stars from someone's eyes. You shamed her in front of everyone. Don't you know this? You came home from days of running guns, right into Painted Dove's arms. How could you let Painted Dove's problems bother you? If you chose Naomi as your wife and you have any feelings for her you better start showing them."

  "That's what this is all about? Jealousy?" Red Elk began to pace.

  "How can you be so blind, my brother? When a man has a wife, and he kisses another in broad daylight, in front of her and everyone else."

  "I did not want to create a scene, she was leaving, and it was all settled. If I'd have made a fuss, she would have made a scene and we'd have another battle to fight. I did not kiss her, she kissed me. That was not my fault."

  "Perhaps, but you made a mistake."

  "What mistake?"

  "You did not push her away soon enough. You should have objected to the kiss. You made no fuss. Everyone here saw that kiss. But not objecting to her kiss, meant you did not object to it. You humiliated your wife."

  Red Elk rolled his shoulders to release the tension. "Oh, that is not fair! She kissed me. Besides, I do not take a woman to my bed and discard her like a nag horse, my friend. Not even Painted Dove. I thought the punishment enough."

  "You seem to have a lot of consideration for Painted Dove's feelings. But you forgot your wife. You have not touched your wife, is that not true?"

  Red Elk seemed to bristle for a second, until he thought about what Big Hand said. "No, we agreed to be companions."

  "Companions? Why in the world would you do that? Anyone can see she cares for you. Anyone but you, that is."

  "I'm giving her time to adjust, that's all."

  "Mabye in the beginning, but anyone with eyes can see she cares for you." Big Hand told him. "A woman has something that men don't have as often."

  "What?"

  "A heart." Big Hand's voice was almost angry now.

  "Are you saying I have no heart? I care greatly for Naomi. I give her respect, attention, compliments."

  "My brother, you were concentrating on the wrong woman that day. Even you should know this. Unfortunately for you, the right woman was watching. And the entire tribe witnessed it. Perhaps it is true you did not want a scene, but you worried so much for Painted Dove's actions, and not Naomi's. She is your wife, and I cannot fathom why you have not made her so."

  "That's between the two of us?"

  "Is it? Well, the entire tribe has her sympathy."

  "Maybe everyone should tend to their own business and not mine." Red Elk said, knowing all the while what Big Hand said was right.

  "If you do not want her, you should at the very least take her back to her people then."

  "I will never do that. She is my wife. I do want her, but she's white and she needs time to adjust to me and our people. I didn't want to scare her. You can't be brutal with a white woman. She needed time to adjust, I am giving her that. I don't take an unwilling woman to my bed. That would be rape, not love or consideration."

  "Then maybe you should treat her like a real wife. Because not doing so is scaring her more." Big Hand informed him. "She is not Indian until you make her so, she's your wife and fitting in is difficult enough without caring the shame you gave her."

  "I did not mean to shame her. I would never intentionally hurt her."

  "But you did, brother."

  "Look, her white husband put some crazy notions in her head. I have to dispel those notions. She isn't like Painted Dove."

  "I am glad you see that, my friend. But you must nurture your wife like a seed that grows in the garden. You give it attention and love and it grows well." He informed him.

  "I will think on this." Red Elk began to walk away. "I had no idea this was causing problems. I thought nothing of Painted Dove's kiss."

  "And that might have been fine back when you had no wife."

  Red Elk hesitated at the door. "Perhaps the problem is with me. I do not feel I have a wife."

  "Do you want her?"

  "Yes, of course I want her. I thought you of all people would know that. I've wanted her from the start."

  "I'm not the one who needs to know that. She is.

  If you care for her, you need to let her know, or she may run away again, for good the next time." Big Hand warned him.

  He turned and looked at his friend, "I have no feelings for Painted Dove or her child. You don't understand about Painted Dove. I do not love her. She is a whore. You don't love whores."

  "Well," Big Hand sighed. "You've been with her for three years and I suppose that is a long time to bed a whore. Your actions speak differently. Have you not thought how it looked? You do not see from anyone else's eyes, my brother. If you love Naomi, tell her, not me."

  Red Elk went home and saw Naomi sitting by the fire and staring into it thoughtfully. He stood at the doorway staring at her. Big Hand was right, he'd been an idiot. But how did one change what was? He'd tried not to make a scene with Painted Dove, instead he created doubt among his people and Naomi. He made a scene he did not see. An inner sadness gripped him. All he wanted to do was settle things peaceably and he made a mess of things with Naomi.

  "Do you want to go with me on the gun runs?" He asked as he came inside.

  She turned her head, to stare, "Sure." She said simply.

  "Then you may go." He told her. The truth was he didn't know anything else to say at the moment. He couldn't just blurt his feeling out at her. Could he?

  She nodded.

  She got up and prepared supper, and they ate almost in total silence.

  But when she lay down that night, her tears flowed like a spring. He could not bear to hear her cry like that. "What have I done to hurt you this badly?" He picked her up in his arms.

  She felt his arms around her and hiccupped. She stared into his eyes, "Nothing!"

  "We promised to be companions. Can we not talk about our troubles?"

  "Sometimes it's best not to talk about anything, then say the wrong things." Naomi said softly.

  "There are no wrong things, Naomi between us. We speak the truth to each other, is it not so?"

  "Some things can't be talked about."

  He touched her cheek, wiping away the tears. "You are wrong. You can say anything to me."

  "Could I just rest in your arms tonight?"

  He smiled, his heart warming to the feel of her against him. "Every night, if you want." He folded her into his arms, knowing this is where he wanted her.

  He had hurt her feelings and he had no idea how to mend the hurt he caused her.

  She sighed and closed her eyes.

  He had to admit thi
s was the first time he'd held a woman and not made love to her, but somehow if felt very right. He kissed her lightly on the cheek and she shuddered like a baby after a long cry.

  And something turned over in Red Elk's heart. He had to admit, his feelings for his white wife had grown from the first day. Yet he had purposely tempered his reactions to everything she said and did. He had known from the start that if he come on too strong, she would reject his advances, so he did the opposite. He didn't come on to her at all. And tonight, he feared he had just taken the first step in letting her know how he really felt. He loved kissing her, her response surprised and delighted him, but white women were much different than Indian women. He could take nothing for granted.

  He saw and felt that he had held back too much from Naomi. She was his wife in every way but one. Was it time to take the next step?

  Perhaps his mistake was judging her as a woman. He'd never known a woman quite like her. She could be fiery one moment and gentle the next. She could talk to him about anything, and he enjoyed their talks. Her intelligence intrigued him.

  He slept with her wrapped in his arms now and suddenly he knew this was as it should be. She belonged in his arms. She belonged with him. He needed no further proof, this is where she belonged all along. Now he had to make her see this.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The next morning, she got up before he woke and had his breakfast ready. The fact that she'd been wrapped in his arms all night hit her like a sledge hammer. She'd slept like a baby. She couldn't rely on him to do that every night. It bothered her that she felt so safe in his arms. How could she ever be independent again?

  The only problem was, she'd asked him to. He never offered it freely.

  Embarrassment flooded her when he woke up. "Coffee's ready, want some?"

  "Sounds good," he smiled stretching his long body as she got up and glanced at her.

  They sat on the blanket and talked about the weather, their day, everything but how she went to sleep in his arms. That was what they wouldn't talk about.

  "Naomi, I said last night you could come with me to run the guns. But I cannot take you."

  "Why not?" she asked shocked that he'd changed his mind.

  "Because you are white and there would be trouble. They would question that. They might throw me in jail and take you back to John."

  She considered his words and nodded, "I guess you are right. I shouldn't have insisted. I didn't think about how it would look. I guess I forget sometimes that I’m white."

  He grinned at her. "I'm glad to hear it. It would seem an Indian and a white woman together would never be accepted."

  "No, I suppose not. Not by the whites at least."

  "My tribe embraces you."

  "Chosen One has said she will teach me words, so I can speak to the others, I'm excited. I so want them to know that I like them."

  "That is good. It is time, you are now Apache."

  "I guess I am… " she stared at him. "It seems kind of strange, it hasn't been that long since I came here. And funny I was at the Comanche camp for seven months. I never felt Comanche."

  "You did not marry a brave there." He told her with a slight smile to his sexy lips.

  "No, the women wouldn't let a brave get close to me."

  He chuckled. "I can understand that."

  "You can?" She looked shock that he would say something like that.

  "You are a beautiful woman, many would want you. The Comanche women are a jealous bunch."

  She let that slide, but somewhere inside her she cherished his sweet words. She never knew a man who could come up with so many nice things to say at the drop of a hat. He certainly knew how to flatter a girl.

  "Will you be alright, here?" He asked.

  She shrugged, "I guess so… "

  "It would be a more pleasant trip if you were there, but if they saw you with me… there would be trouble."

  "Of course, it is alright, I will stay here." She agreed.

  "It's for your own protection." He told her. "I would enjoy you being with me."

  "I understand," she seemed to grit her teeth.

  "Naomi, are you happy here?" he asked with concern.

  "I suppose…sometimes." She admitted not looking at him.

  Then suddenly he brought her against him and kissed her warm and lovingly on the lips. When he lifted his head just a tad to look at her, he smiled. "Will you miss me?"

  "Maybe, just a little," she said with a teasing glint in her eye.

  For several days she seemed in a better mood, but he hadn't cuddled her every night, only when she asked.

  Too soon he was leaving again, and she was left wondering what brought on the kisses.

  Trouble was, she was getting used to his kisses and wanted more. John would have called her shameful, but there was nothing shameful about kissing Red Elk, she knew it in her heart. She was his wife and wanted to be his wife in every way now. If she truly had become an Apache, then she wanted to be the wife of an Apache. Even if all he did was get on her and get off, she would be proud to be claimed by him.

  She wished he wouldn't do the gun runs though. It scared her. If anything happened to him, what would she do? Could she live here in this village alone without him. Part of her problem was that she had no home. Red Elk married her, but he hadn't claimed her as his. So, the feeling of belonging hadn't happened. He hadn't made her his. And until he did, she didn't really belong here.

  She watched him dress in his white clothes and smiled a few days later. "Why do you wear those kinds of clothes to the fort?"

  "It is expected. There I am more white than Indian. Other scouts dress this way too. To dress like a savage is frowned upon, especially since some of the men have wives there."

  "They look very good on you." She noticed. "You're very handsome, whether you are Indian or white."

  "Thank you for the compliment."

  "Maybe I should cut your hair shorter, so you would look whiter."

  "Perhaps that would be a good idea. Especially as I am running guns. They find out I'm an Indian they'll want to kill me."

  "Then I will tend to it this evening if you have the time."

  He kissed her on the cheek and left. "I will have the time." He had told her softly.

  Instead of dwelling on their problems, she busied herself and began to embroidery some designs on one of his shirts. She was pleased with her work and couldn’t wait to show him when he came in.

  She took it to show Chosen One. "You did this?"

  "Yes, do you like it?"

  "Very much, will you teach me to do it?"

  "Sure, I'd love to." Naomi had brought her needles and threads. It was one of the few things she had managed to do at her new home in Texas. Her mother had taught her to embroidery. At the Comanche camp she had stolen some of the needles and thread from them and kept them with her all the time. It was strange even though John never appreciated her work with sewing, she kept her needles and thread close to her always. Although he did not appreciate them, it reminded her of her home in Missouri, and her mother.

  She spent most of the day with Chosen One.

  "Can I ask you something." Naomi stopped and put her needle up.

  "Of course." Chosen One continued to follow her examples with the embroidery.

  "If anything happened to Red Elk, would I be welcome here in the village?"

  Chosen One stared at her strangely, "In our village?"

  "Yes."

  "Of course, you are married to him. You are Indian now, you just don't have the same coloring. Don't you feel like part of us?"

  "I have adapted to your ways, accepted your people and enjoy being here, yes. But…I want this to be my home. I want to be welcome here, but if the tribe does not want me, where would I go?"

  "The tribe thinks a lot of you."

  "Let's face it. Red Elk has not claimed me as his wife, and I think that could be part of the problem. Because he hasn't, I feel I don't belong anywhere right now. I have no pe
ople, no husband, I am just here."

  Chosen One frowned and nodded, "I understand. It will all come in time, I am sure of it. I know this is hard on you, and I wish I could make things easier. Just be patient a little longer with him."

  "I want to, I really do, but until he claims me as his wife, I won't feel like belong. I want to belong Chosen One. I have to. I need to belong somewhere. Would you start teaching me words, so I can learn to speak to others. It is time I learned them. I want to thank you for being my friend, you and Big Hand. I don't know what I'd do without you. When I was married to John, I was alone except for him. I had no friends."

  "Why?" Chosen One asked.

  "We didn't socialize much with our neighbors. We'd just moved to Texas, it was a new place, I didn't know anyone. He never offered to take me into town. I think he was afraid I would want to spend his money. He was very tight with his money."

  "He must have been a very strange man."

  "Yes, I'm just now seeing how strange."

  Chosen One smiled, "What brought this on? What makes you think of him so much, if you do not love him?"

  Naomi puzzled at the question. Did she sound like she loved John? Could Red Elk think the same? Of course, he could. She was so worried about Painted Dove, she didn’t' realize that she threw John up in almost every conversation. What an insight. "I compare my life with John to my life with Red Elk. I try to learn from my mistakes, but my life is very different here. I mean at first no one knew me here and didn't acknowledge me. But, now, it seems so many of your people accept me. I want that acceptance. I want to belong somewhere. If something happened to him, I don't know what I would do! I would be so lost. And yet, I have nowhere to go. And don't tell him this, but if anything happened to him, I'm not sure I'd want to go on."

  "My God, you are in love with him. Oh Naomi, I am glad for you. You belong here now, with all of us." Chosen One put her hand on Naomi's arm.

  "I belong, except for my husband. His kissing Painted Dove, his not making me his wife in all regards. And now, the soldiers at the fort want Red Elk to run guns for the big war. I am afraid for him, for his life. It is very dangerous, but he does it for the tribe, to help. I respect that. But I also fear for his life too. He teases me, but I know he knows how dangerous it is."