Hamlet: The actress is confessing her for her husband and saying that if he dies, then she’ll never remarry because that would be like him dying twice. Fidelity FTW.
Rosencrantz: Whoa. That totally went over my head. G?
Guildenstern: Yeah, I got nothing.
Hamlet: Keep watching.
Polonius: OK I am lost again!! 2 bad this play doesn’t come with a GPS. lolz
Rosencrantz: Yah. Hamlet. A little help here??
Hamlet: Srsly? Very basic stuff, guys. The woman’s husband was murdered by a villain while the husband was asleep in the orchard. The murderer poisoned him—then ended up with his and !
Gertrude: Hamlet, have we seen this one before? #DejaVu
Claudius: STOP THE PLAY. SHUT IT DOWN.
Ophelia: what’s going on?
Polonius: is canceled! Everybody go !!
Guildenstern: WTF. should we ?
Hamlet
Did you see what just happened?!
The was right! My uncle’s when he heard “poison.”
Horatio
Congrats? ? What happens now?
Hamlet
Wait and .
Group text: Guildenstern, Hamlet, Rosencrantz
Guildenstern
Hamlet, the wants 2 talk 2 u.
Rosencrantz
I don’t get u. We used to be .
Hamlet
We’re still !
Guildenstern
So tell us why you’re acting like this!!!!
Hamlet
Send me a video of you playing a song.
Guildenstern
WTF. IDK how to play .
Hamlet
It would mean a lot to me.
Guildenstern
I couldn’t even if I wanted 2.
Hamlet
lol
Guildenstern
What’s funny?
Hamlet
You don’t know about and you admit it. And yet you would play ME even though you know NOTHING about my situation. YOU THINK I’M SIMPLER TO UNDERSTAND THAN A !!!
Guildenstern
Wow, it just got cold in here.
Rosencrantz
#shade
Polonius
The queen wants 2 c u asap.
Hamlet
I’ll go when I damn well please.
Polonius
I can say you better do it soon!
Hamlet
“You better do it soon” is easy to say. lolz
Polonius has been added to your “Blocked Caller” list
Ugh. I’ve come this far. I better not fall off now. I’ll be strong and not let my mother convince me to give up my father’s mission. I will her…metaphorically…with my words. (Didn’t mean for that to sound awkward.)
[Scene 3]
Group text: Claudius, Guildenstern, Rosencrantz
Claudius
I h8 that stupid kid! He’s completely outta control!! I need 2 send him away. 2 !
Guildenstern
Sending him away seems like the only option. You’re the . It’s best 4 everybody 2 get him out of here.
Rosencrantz
We’ll go w/ him.
Claudius
Please do. & hurry!
Polonius
My lord, Hamlet is going 2 swing by to see Gertrude. I’m gonna hide behind the drapes and watch what happens.
I’ll let u know how it goes b4 .
Claudius
Thx!
I murdered my brother. Does that make me a terrible person? This is some Cain and Abel right here. I can’t even , I feel so guilty. And at the same , I am still with the outcome! Is there nothing I can do 2 ever make up 4 my crime? Guess it doesn’t rly matter. Wut’s done is done. I can’t change it n-e-way so I may as well enjoy it! My , , etc. Things r looking ! So wut can I say? #SorryNotSorry
You’ll never freaking believe this. I saw Claudius PRAYING today. In the . That . PRAYING. What am I supposed to do with that?! I thought about him right there, but that doesn’t help me because if I kill him when he’s “repenting,” then he’ll just go str8 to . Meanwhile he poisoned MY father when he least suspected it. So Dad didn’t even get a chance to make up for all the things he did wrong in his life. Now he’s basically in forever (or something…not sure how that works).
I will just have to wait to Claudius the next time he does something terrible. Which shouldn’t be long, considering his hobbies consist of , Mom, and people. He needs to go to hell where he belongs. #RoyalProblems
[Scene 4]
Polonius
Hamlet’s on his way. R u ready? Remember, tell him ur of his games. I’m gonna hide.
Gertrude
I know. We’ve been over this. Go!
Gertrude
Where are you?
Hamlet
Coming over. I heard you wanted to talk?
Gertrude
Hurry up. Your father is really with you.
Hamlet
My father?! MY father is really with YOU!
Gertrude
What’s wrong?! I didn’t raise you this way. Have you forgotten who I am?
Hamlet
You’re the QUEEN. Your husband’s brother’s wife! And my MOTHER (though I wish you weren’t).
Gertrude
Are you *trying* to make my stop beating?
Hamlet
Hold on. I’m here, but I heard a noise.…
Gertrude
What?
Hamlet
It’s coming from…
INSIDE OUR HOUSE.
Gertrude
I’m sure it’s nothing.
Hamlet
BRB
Gertrude
HAMLET?
Where are you?
HAMLET?!?! Answer me!!
Hamlet
Mom.
I just someone.
Gertrude
WHAT?!
Hamlet
Come over and help me. I’m scared to look.
Gertrude
You just KILLED someone?! That’s bad.
Hamlet
I guess it’s almost as bad as, say, murdering a king and his wife.
Gertrude
Hamlet
I said what I said.
Hamlet
Anyone know a good lawyer?
REPLY
Hamlet
It was Polonius. That !
Gertrude
You killed Polonius?!
Hamlet
I thought it was the king! ARGH. Why did Polonius have to get involved?! Mom, listen to me. I need you to have a here.
Gertrude
What have I done that is so, SO terrible that you won’t forgive me?
Hamlet
Mom. Look at this pic.
Look @ Dad. Look how royal and regal he is. He LOOKS like a true king because HE IS A TRUE KING. This was your husband.
Gertrude
Aw. I loved that outfit.
Hamlet
Now look @ Claudius.
See how many filters he uses? You can’t honestly tell me you’re *attracted* to him. You’re now! Not and horny.
Gertrude
Watch it.
Hamlet
How could you do this, really? Marry a murderer who cheated his way to the ? It SICKENS me. If there was an emoji for vomit, I’d send it to you.
Gertrude
Hamlet. Please. You’re making me feel .
Hamlet
I’m just telling you the truth, Mom. Think about where you at night.
Gertrude
HAMLET! STOP!
Ghost
Hamlet.
Hamlet
Oh, hey, Dad. Kinda in the middle of something.
Ghost
Just checking in. Wanted to make sure you were following the plan. Remember, don’t punish your mother.
Hamlet
Hold on. Just got a text from Dad. I’ll send it to you.
Gertrude
Um…I don
’t see anything.
Hamlet
Let me try again.
Gertrude
Nope.
Hamlet
How can you not see it?! IT’S DAD!!!
Gertrude
Hamlet, I understand you’re upset. But it’s all in your head. You’re hallucinating. Getting txt messages from a dead man? That’s talk.
Is there anything you want to tell me? ILY no matter what.
Hamlet
NO. You just can’t admit you did something wrong. So you’re putting it on me. But it’s not too late. Dump Claudius. Make things right.
Gertrude
Hamlet, you’ve broken my in two.
Hamlet
Well, keep the good 1/2 and throw out the bad!
…You still there?
Gertrude
Barely.
Hamlet
I’m going to tomorrow.
Gertrude
I almost forgot. Do you have 2?
Hamlet
Yeah, my has already been charged. Can’t let down my “good friends” Rosencrantz & Guildenstern. Though it’s probably not the worst thing for me to get out of the for a while. Because Polonius.
Moving the body now. G’night.
[Scene 1]
Gertrude
Come quickly.
Claudius
Wut’s wrong? Everything OK?
Gertrude
I don’t even know where to start.
Claudius
OIC. It’s Hamlet, isn’t it? What did he do now?
Gertrude
Long short, he’s as as ever. He heard Polonius spying on him and him to death. So awful.
Claudius
OMG that could have been me!!
He’s outta control. We let him get away w/ everything 2 easy.
Where is he now?
Gertrude
Getting rid of the body. You know, I think he actually feels bad about it.
Claudius
#NotMyProblem #ICouldCareLess
Gertrude
You mean you couldn’t care less.
Claudius
Huh? We need 2 do serious damage control. Our only option is 2 get in front of this. That way it doesn’t…wait 4 it…stab us in the back.
Gertrude
DO NOT make puns right now.
Claudius
Oh come on. It’s a layup.
Gertrude
I mean it. I’m not in the mood.
Group text: Claudius, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern
Claudius
I need u 2 get help ASAP. Hamlet has killed Polonius. Find Hamlet & bring the body 2 the . NOW!!!
[Scene 2]
Group text: Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Hamlet
Rosencrantz
What have u done w/ the body?
Hamlet
It’s where it belongs.
Rosencrantz
It belongs in the . Tell us!!!!
Hamlet
Why should I tell you anything? You’re just a pawn of the king. He takes what he wants, and then he disposes of you when he’s done.
Rosencrantz
IDK what you’re talking about.
Hamlet
THAT I believe.
[Scene 3]
Group text: Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, Claudius
Rosencrantz
He won’t tell us anything.
Guildenstern
He’s just playing games.
Claudius
WHERE IS POLONIUS?
Hamlet
At supper.
Claudius
Huh?
Hamlet
Well, *he’s* not eating, exactly.
Cuz he’s in the ground. #worms
Claudius
WHERE IS POLONIUS?!?!?!?!
Hamlet
With the . Check heaven, and if he’s not there, then you’ll know where to find him.
Claudius
That’s it. I’m gonna drop u from the plan.
Hamlet
Wait! If you want to him out (heh heh), look under the stairs on the way 2 the lobby.
Group text: Claudius, Hamlet, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern
Claudius
under the stairs near the lobby.
Hamlet
No rush, fellas. He’s not going anywhere.
Claudius
Enough is enough. You’re going 2 . NOW.
Hamlet
Fine. I’ll go to . NOW. Whatever, .
Claudius
It’s official. You’ve gone bat crzy. I’m your father. Not your mother.
Hamlet
++= same flesh, right?
So =. You can’t fight logic!
Claudius
“Logic” isn’t the word I’d use.
To Do:
1. Have the of kill Hamlet.
2. Upload more selfies on throne. Hmm. Light day.
Group text: Claudius, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern
Claudius
FYI, I left a 4 u 2 bring on your trip. It’s addressed 2 the of . Hurry!
[Scene 4]
Just saw a captain in Fortinbras’s army. The poor guy is going to fight—and probably DIE—over a piece of land no one even cares about!! Ugh. What is the point of a man if all he ever does is and ? That’s no better than . My father’s dead. My mother’s dead to me. From now on, I’m going to stop thinking so much and just do the thing I set out to do. No excuses.
[Scene 5]
Horatio
Your Majesty, I think you need to talk to Ophelia.
Gertrude
Why me?
Horatio
She’s . She’s not making any sense. She’s gone over the death of her father.
Seems to be a trend.
Gertrude
Sigh. Fine.
Group text: Gertrude, Ophelia, Claudius
Gertrude
Hello, Ophelia.
Ophelia
Gertrude
Ophelia, please. I don’t understand.
Ophelia
Gertrude
Ophelia. Please use your words.
Ophelia
Claudius
How are you, Ophelia?
Ophelia
Claudius
Is this because of your father?
srsly Hamlet (OMG Shakespeare) Page 3