Ophelia
Claudius
Wut’s going on?
Ophelia
Claudius
Uh, we’ll get back 2 u.
Group text: Claudius, Horatio, Gertrude
Claudius
Yikes! Horatio, follow Ophelia! & keep over her! She has completely lost it, Hamlet-style. w/ over Polonius.
Gertrude
Do you hear something? It sounds like someone has broken into the ?!
Claudius
There’s a huge angry mob outside!!! They are shouting: “Laertes shall be !!”
Laertes has checked into Elsinore Castle—with Huge Angry Mob.
Huge Angry Mob likes this
Group text: Laertes, Claudius, Gertrude
Laertes
CLAUDIUS!!!! U MUST SPEAK W/ ME @ ONCE!!!! I WILL CALL OFF MY HUGE ANGRY MOB BUT ONLY IF U SPEAK W/ ME NOW!!!!!!
Claudius
Wut would u like 2 discuss?
Laertes
WHERE IS MY FATHER?
Claudius
Gertrude
But we didn’t kill him!
Laertes
THEN WHO DID?!?! TELL ME!! I WILL NOT SPARE U UNLESS U TELL ME EXACTLY WUT HAPPENED. I DON’T CARE THAT U R THE !!!! I WILL AVENGE HIS MURDER NOW!!!!!
Claudius
I understand that u r upset. But calm down & we’ll talk!! I’m & that Polonius is 2!!
Laertes
Ophelia!! My sweet sister. Where r u?
Ophelia
Laertes
NO NO NO NO NO
Ophelia
Laertes
DON’T TELL ME U R AS 2 THE AS DAD!!
Ophelia
Laertes
U demanding revenge would not make me as as seeing u like this!
Ophelia
Laertes
DEAR GOD, WUT HAPPENED 2 OPHELIA?!?!
Claudius
Look. U can literally ask any1 in the entire . Every1 will tell u Gert and I had nuthin 2 do w/ it. U can have my & if any1 tells u otherwise. K?
Laertes
Fine. But the way he and the way u guys buried him was BS. No or anything. Someone’s gonna pay, man.
Claudius
I know. But find out wut actually happened b4 u jump 2 conclusions. And then u can get revenge. K?
Laertes
Fine.
[Scene 6]
Welcome, Horatio! You have 1 new message from Hamlet.
Horatio,
We were only out to for 2 days when our was overtaken by pirates. They took me as their prisoner, and while they’ve been decent so far, they want me to do them a favor. R&G are still on their way to . I have so much to tell you but it will have to be later. Find me ASAP!
Yours,
Hamlet
PS: See attached for some letters to the .
King1.doc
King2.doc
[Scene 7]
Claudius
Did u ask ppl yet?
Laertes
Yes.
Claudius
So u know I didn’t do n-e-thing wrong. & in fact Hamlet was trying 2 me?!?! #RegicideAmIRight
Laertes
I guess, but u still should have done something about it!!!!
Claudius
Wut do u want me 2 do??
1. I’m married 2 Hamlet’s mother, remember??
2. U know how ppl him around here. They think he is an ! N-e-thing I say will only make me look bad.
Laertes
So wut am I supposed 2 do?! My dad is . My sister’s . I must get revenge somehow.
Claudius
I have a plan in the works but u gotta b patient. BRB.
Welcome, Claudius! You have 1 new message from Hamlet.
High & mighty, I’m coming back to Denmark. Alone. I will apologize and explain everything to you tomorrow.
Claudis Laertes
Claudius
Check ur . I just forwarded u something.
Laertes
Is that really from Hamlet??
Claudius
It says “Sent from Hamlet’s iPhone.” Why is he alone??
Laertes
IDK but let him come. is about 2 get real.
Claudius
Can I help?
Laertes
Yeah, as long as u don’t try 2 convince me 2 and .
Claudius
Why would I tell u 2 wear ?
Laertes
*make up
Claudius
No, I want u 2 get ur revenge!! I have a plan that will make it seem like an accident. That way, Gertrude won’t get & we can continue 2 live 2gether in sin. Lolz.
Laertes
I don’t care wut happens as long as I get 2 Hamlet myself.
Claudius
Def.
Laertes
So wut’s the plan?
Claudius
Ur still pretty awesome @ fencing, right?
Laertes
Yeah.
Claudius
OK, so u challenge Hamlet 2 a fencing duel when he gets back. But instead of using a blunted blade…
Laertes
I’LL POISON THE TIP OF MY SWORD!!!!
Claudius
I was just going 2 say u use a real sword.
But poison works 2. lol
Laertes
We should have a backup plan in case sumthing goes wrong.
Claudius
Yeah ur rite. Let’s have filled with poison 2!
But rly, wut could go wrong?!?!
Group text: Gertrude, Claudius, Laertes
Gertrude
I need to speak with you both ASAP.
Claudius
1 sec. We’re in the middle of something.
Gertrude
We have to talk NOW.
Claudius
Wut?
Gertrude
More bad news. Laertes…
Laertes
What?
WHAT?!
Gertrude
IDK how 2 say this…your sister has drowned.
Laertes
OH ! OPHELIA? WHERE? HOW?
Gertrude
There is a willow down by the river. She was collecting and making them into garlands. She fell into the , and for a her held her up. But then the became too heavy and pulled her down.
I’m so sorry.
Laertes
I cannot even because there’s 2 much already. G2G
Claudius
Rly glad I just wasted a lot of & energy talking someone down. FML
REPLY
[Scene 1]
Hamlet and Horatio have checked into the Church Graveyard.
Gravedigger
Digging a grave in the cemetery, but IDK why bc this person took their own life. #MoneyTalks
REPLY
Hamlet: Whose grave is it?
Gravedigger: Mine.
Hamlet: What are you digging this for?
Gravedigger: No man.
Hamlet: Then what ?
Gravedigger: None.
Hamlet: SMH. Who is going to be BURIED here?
Gravedigger: She WAS a woman. But now she’s no one.
Hamlet: I guess that’s how it goes. Life, ya know? then .
Gertrude, Claudius, Laertes, and a Priest have checked into the Church Graveyard.
Hamlet
Horatio, did you see who just checked in?
Horatio
Yeah. What should we do?
Hamlet
Let’s , but keep our distance.
I see a casket. But it’s weird to have such a small funeral.
Horatio
Can you what they’re saying?
Hamlet
They are talking about Ophelia!!! OMG Ophelia is DEAD?!
Horatio
I’m so sorry.
Hamlet
It can’t be! And yet Laertes just keeps going on and on about how he is. Doesn’t he know I her, too?!
Hamlet
Laertes, is it
true? Ophelia is ?! I loved her w/ all my !
Laertes
Well, I loved her more!
Hamlet
Oh, really?
Laertes
x infinity
Hamlet
This is ridiculous. I’m not going to fight with you over who loved her more. (Me.)
Laertes
*cough* Me. Also bc u know u will lose.
Hamlet
Screw you.
Laertes
And take you!
[Scene 2]
Hamlet
Laertes is such a .
Horatio
Lol
Hamlet
Oh! I still have to tell you about the thing!
Horatio
That’s right! Can you tell me now?
Hamlet
Yes. So when I was traveling with R&G, I had this gut feeling that something was wrong. I decided to steal the Claudius had given them, just to see what it said. Well, I’m hella glad I did because I found out…
Horatio
YES?! What did you find out?
Hamlet
He had given the of instructions to ME.
Horatio
OH HELL NO. Claudius did that?!
Hamlet
See for yourself if you want. I still have the .
Horatio
What did you do???
Hamlet
I re the except this time, I said to Rosencrantz & Guildenstern. I used the Denmark royal seal and everything. #BWAHAHAHA
Horatio
So R&G are now & .
Hamlet
Self-defense!
Horatio
You know Claudius is going to find out what happened.
Hamlet
Which is why I have to act quickly.
I do feel bad that I yelled at Laertes, though. We’re basically in the same . I’ll be nice to him from now on.
Claudius
@Hamlet @Laertes: I challenge u 2 a duel! Place your bets, ladies & gentlemen. Winner gets #SWAG #SWAG #SWAG #SWAG
REPLY
Laertes: Come @ me bro
Hamlet: *shrug* Why not?
Horatio: You guys sure this is a good idea?
Gertrude: How early is too early to start drinking?
Hamlet
Laertes, we should talk before the duel.
Laertes
I’m listening.
Hamlet
I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry about your dad and your sister. I shouldn’t have been such a . We actually have a lot in common, you & me.
Laertes
Thx. I need 2 think about everything, but I appreciate ur text.
Hamlet, Horatio, Laertes, Claudius, and Gertrude have checked into the Elsinore Castle Lobby.
Horatio
Hello, and welcome to the @Laertes @Hamlet “Elsinore Castle Throwdown.” I will be live-posting events as they happen.
REPLY
Claudius: Let’s get this started!!!
Horatio
+1 for @Hamlet!
REPLY
Claudius: I’ll drink to that. Good work, son!
Gertrude: Save some for me.
Horatio
+1 again for @Hamlet. I thought @Laertes was the swordsman? #Rumors #2Good2BTrue
REPLY
Gertrude: Cheers, @Hamlet! I drink to your health!
Claudius: NO! @Gertrude! Do NOT drink that wine.
Gertrude: Too late! #NomNomNom
Horatio
+1 for @Laertes! It looks like he’s drawn blood from @Hamlet’s shoulder!! Is he using a real sword?! #CheaterCheater
REPLY
Crowd: Booooo!
Horatio
Okay, well, now @Laertes and @Hamlet are just . This is some crazy .
REPLY
Horatio
What’s this? @Hamlet and @Laertes have accidentally switched swords! Well, we’ve never seen this before, folks, nor are we likely to see it again!
REPLY
Crowd: We’re getting our worth!
Horatio
The Queen has collapsed in the stands! Someone call the !! Wait, I’m on my . *facepalm* Hold on.…
REPLY
Group text: Hamlet, Laertes, Claudius, Gertrude
Hamlet
OUT! Laertes needs help.
Laertes
Hamlet, we’ve been poisoned by my sword. There’s no antidote on . We r both about 2 . I’m by my own treachery. #MyBad
But rly it’s all Claudius’s fault!!!
Claudius
Who, me?!
Hamlet
Mom! What’s wrong?
Claudius
She fainted at the sight of u & Laertes bleeding.
Gertrude
No. It was the . Hamlet, I’ve been poisoned!
Hamlet
MOM! NO!!!!!!!
Horatio
@Laertes is dying right before our . And OMG! @Hamlet has stopped fencing and is forcing the poisoned down @Claudius’s throat! Now he’s stabbed the !!
REPLY
Crowd: Treason!!!
Horatio: The king and queen are now .
Crowd: *gasp*
Hamlet
Laertes
Hamlet, dude, I’m so sry. Do u forgive me? I forgive u. It was all Claudius.
Hamlet
On that we can agree.
We’re cool. Die in .
Fortinbras has checked into Elsinore Castle—with 10,000 others.
Hamlet
I’m dying, Horatio.
Horatio
NO. Hamlet. Stay away from the !
Hamlet
There’s not much . My hands are growing too weak to type. You are the only one who can tell the real now. My dad, Gertrude, Claudius, Laertes, Polonius, and Ophelia. All dead and gone. #RIP #ExceptClaudius
Horatio
Hamlet, I can’t. I’ll drink the poison, too!
Hamlet
NO. Horatio, listen. Not only does someone need to clean up all these bodies, but you’re the only one left who knows the truth. Promise me you’ll tell everyone everything (especially Fortinbras). Even if it means living longer in this awful . Please. Remember me.
Horatio
srsly Hamlet (OMG Shakespeare) Page 4