Dear Diary

by Lacey Heart

  Sure, she sounds sincere enough, but I have to remember that I don’t know this woman. At all. Truthfully, I’ve a hard time believing her. After all, actions speak so much louder than words. My mom can tell me she loves my father until she’s blue in the face. But unfortunately for her, that won’t change a damn thing. The bottom line is she was never around to prove or show it.

  “Any way. I guess we can talk another time. I’ll let you do what you need to do, but please remember, even though I wasn’t there for you in the past; I want you to know that I’m here for you now. Whenever you need me, okay?” She smiles weakly at me, totally unsure how I’ll react, and I surprise myself again by staying silent.

  A tear finally breaks free when she stands, and the frightened child buried deep inside me is desperate for a hug. Desperate to hear the words ‘everything will be okay’. I choose to keep this to myself, because even if I wanted to, I’m in no fit state to understand, let alone try to express my feelings right now. Instead, I keep my lips firmly closed in this foreign and messed-up situation.

  Silence continues to fill the room as I watch my mom’s retreating figure disappear from my peripheral, and the only sound that remains is the faint patter of rain as it falls and trickles down my window.

  CHAPTER THREE

  COLE

  “I’m not arguing with you on this, kid.”

  I sigh dramatically and allow my dismay to roll off my shoulders, hoping it will make me feel lighter, but it doesn’t do anything. I’m so not happy with how this conversation is playing out and I’m struggling to turn it back around. Fuck. This is bullshit and he sure as hell knows it too.

  “Come on, pops. You can drag my ass out of Riverstone anytime, so why now? What’s the rush?” I demand.

  My father’s eyes bore into mine as he tried to warn me that I’m starting to push him too far. But I don’t give a damn. “Because I said so, Cole. Plus, it’s high time we had a vacation, don’t you think?”

  “A vacation, sure. But now?” I question and I’m started to wonder if my father has lost his mind.

  “That’s right, kid. Now. There’s no time like the present. And I don’t want any arguments about it either.” His stern voice booms through the living area and it makes him sound a whole lot more sinister than usual.

  There’s no denying that my father is a good man, and a great father too. Usually he’s more than happy for me to live out my teenage years the way I choose, and with few restrictions—so long as I keep up with my grades and keep my head firmly in the game. But for some strange ass reason he doesn’t seem quite so lenient this time. “Dad…”

  “Quit it, Cole. It’s non-negotiable.”

  I know I’m wasting my breath trying to argue a losing case, but fuck knows I have to try. I need to find a way to make him change his mind, and fast. “What about Tommy and Jake?” Maybe a little emotional blackmail might just do the trick?

  All my hopes are quickly dashed when he replies, “what about them?”

  Way to go, Cole. You need to pull this back into your corner and fast. “Well, what will they do? Where will they go? You know they always come and crash here during spring break.” It’s not an exaggeration either. They’ve always stayed her since we were kids. So, why would my dad try and shake everything up now? This isn’t like him at all.

  “Kid, I get they’re your guys, but I’m gonna have to cut them out of this one. I’m sorry.” I continue to watch my old man as he loosens his tie and throws a stack of papers down on the coffee table. “It’s been a hectic few months at work and I seriously need some down time before I burn out.” His eyes bore into mine. “We both do.”

  My heart sinks and guilt consumes me. There was me thinking that it would be a good idea to throw in the emotional card, thinking it would be the winning combo, only for my dad to turn it back around on me. What the fuck?

  How is that fair? Oh yeah, it’s not. Not by a long shot.

  Yes, it’s true my dad works super hard, and he doesn’t complain about it either. But with that kind of responsibility also comes huge sacrifices. I don’t see him all that much anymore. I know I’m almost eighteen and I can easily do things for myself, but I still miss having him around. I also know that’s his way. He likes to keep himself busy since mom, but it’s been almost three years and it’s really starting to have an effect on me. It’s crazy to think I’ve gone from having two amazing and loving parents, right down to one who’s never really here anymore.

  I’ll never admit those thoughts out loud though. Nope. I’ll definitely be taking those to the grave, for sure. I don’t want my father to know how much it affects me because if he ever found out he’d have me strapped down in Ms. Woods’ office faster than I could blink. Oh, man. Maybe he’s right and a little vacation could be just what we need. Just not during spring break.

  “We can vacation anytime,” I try again. “What’s the rush?” I ask, and I can tell he’s already done with this conversation.

  “Is it so bad I want to spend some quality time with you? Just me and my boy, with no outside interruptions. Plus, I already booked it yesterday.” My father replies and he’s very matter of fact—just the way he is at work. Todd Ashford may well be mayor of Riverstone, but he’s never used his work voice on me before.

  This is fucking brilliant.

  This is just what I need right now. I slouch back down on the sofa and so something I usually avoid at all costs. I give into defeat. I can’t believe it’s fast approaching spring break and my dad suddenly decides to get all family orientated and wants to fly off to only god knows where for a merry fucking vay-cay.

  Talk about royally fucking up my plans. It’s common knowledge that the whole of Riverstone High goes wild for spring break. And that’s because everyone knows there’s only one place to be—and that’s the Ashford residence—the Mayor of Riverstone’s house.

  “Why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you, son?” His voice is much softer now as he runs a tired hand through his unkept hair. “You know it’s always better to talk about whatever’s playing on our mind.”

  I can’t help but shrug as a sense of disappointment washes over me. “What’s the point? Everything’s about to hit the fan, anyway.”

  “Oh, now I get it.” My father claps his hands together and he nods at me like a lightbulb has just switched on in his head. When he looks at me again it feels like he’s suddenly looking at me through fresh eyes since he stepped through the door.

  “You do?” I enquire, not holding my breath.

  “The party,” he leans in closer to me and raises a brow as though he’s daring me to argue with him. For me to tell him he’s got it all wrong. And, man, I really wish I could.

  “Well, what do you expect? We host the spring break party here every year, dad.” I manage to pull my deflated body up from the sofa so I can get a better look at my father, and I can feel the determination sizzling in my veins, slowly bringing me back to life. I make sure to focus all my attention on him, hoping that if I continue to plead my case he’ll eventually let up and change his mind. “Plus, it’s senior year and there’s heaps of people totally pumped about it.” I add while leaning forward and looking my father right in the eye. “I guess the question you really need to ask yourself is this, do you really want to be responsible for taking that memory away from them? Do you really want to deny their right of passage?”

  My father lowers himself down into the chair opposite me and he leans forward, knees apart as he watches me closely. I seriously have no idea which way this is about to go. “I know you don’t want to let people down, Cole. And I have to tell you that’s something I’ve always admired. It was one of your mom’s traits.”

  “Right well,” I say, ignoring the sharp ache in my chest at the sound of my mom. “Luckily for you, you’re the one who holds the power to stop that from happening.” I remind him.

  “All right.” An exasperated breath escapes my father before he says, “you can host the party fo
r Spring Break.”

  Is this guy shitting me? If he is then it’s a pretty dickish move. “Are you being serious?”

  “Uh-huh.” My dad smiles at me and I’m shook that he’s changed his mine. “On one condition…”

  My cheeks are aching so bad. They feel like they’re on fire from the mega-watt smile that’s currently taking over my face. “You got it.” I say automatically. I don’t care what his condition is so long as the party still goes ahead.

  “We’re still going away for Spring Break.” He deadpans.

  “But you just said…”

  “You still get to host the party… just the following week.” My jaw almost hits the floor as my father stands tall and he flashes me a bittersweet victory smile. “Right, well. At least that little drama is sorted. Be sure to finish up your schoolwork. I’m gonna grab a shower and crash, but we’ll discuss it further when I’m back.”

  Of course we will.

  My father is leaving super early in the morning for another out of state conference, so he’ll probably be out of town for at least a couple of days. I guess this is what my new normal now looks like. My dad comes home, checks in, and then he’s away again for a few days.

  Rinse, recycle and repeat.

  I can kind of understand why my old man needs a little time out, and I’d never deny him of that, but damn, the guy had another fifty-one weeks to choose from.

  I guess it looks like me and the guys will have to put our heads together and arrange the mother of all parties for the weekend after next. One thing I need to make sure―it will have to be epic.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  AVERY

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, yourself.” I hop into Jessica’s truck and it feels like she’s watching me expectantly. What did I do? Am I supposed to pass something onto her, and I just don’t know about it? “What’s with you?” I finally ask.

  “Nothing. It’s Monday and believe me there’s other places I’d rather be than picking your sorry ass up for school every day, but what can you do?” she shrugs, pissed as hell.

  “Hold up. I’ve never once asked you to pick my sorry ass up.” I bite back and return her words. “My mom insisted, and believe me, I would love nothing more than to make my own way to and from school. So, feel free to kick me out and you can be on your merry old way.”

  Wow. What the hell is her problem? Her panties are well and truly twisted. Whatever’s up her ass, she needs to sort it out along with her bitchy little attitude and fast.

  “Shit, Avery. I’m sorry.” Jessica runs a hand through her hair and her eyes glisten with unshed tears. “Ignore me.”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve had a bad weekend and I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”

  “No, you really shouldn’t.”

  A small part of me wants to reach out and ask if she’s okay. To see if there is maybe something I can do to try to help her out. But then a much bigger part of me wants this car journey to be over with and then we can go our separate ways. Hoping this will be the plan, I keep my mouth closed and my eyes focused on the raindrops as they fall down onto the windscreen. And it’s times like this I’m super grateful that my father raised me, because there is no way on God’s green earth I would have survived being surrounded by bitchy females. They’re what my nightmares are made of.

  Jessica starts up the engine, checks the rearview mirror and reverses out of the farmhouse and out onto the road.

  “So, how’s things with you and your mom, now?” Jessica asks when the awkward silence becomes too much—almost suffocating us.

  “How do you mean?”

  “I’m not stupid, Avery.” She whispers, “I know it can’t have been easy moving in with someone you don’t even know.” She shrugs her shoulders before turning to face me, giving me all her attention. “You’ve been here what, three months almost?” I’ve been here for too long, but I don’t have the energy to point that out to her. Instead, I press my lips together to prevent the words from escaping.

  “It is what it is, Jess. I can’t do much about it right now, but fortunately it’s not forever.”

  “That’s a real shame.”

  “Is it?” I feel my eyes almost pop out of my head. “I never wanted to come here in the first place, but I wasn’t given a choice.”

  “Maybe you didn’t,” Jessica tells me, with a strong conviction in her voice. “but do you know who did?” I don’t say anything to her from my position in her truck as I patiently wait for her to enlighten me. “Your mom.”

  “Whatever.” I bat her off. Is she still drunk from the weekend? “Jessica, my mom is my only living next of kin. She had no choice but to take me in.”

  I don’t know why I’m having to explain this to her, because it’s none of her damn business. But Jessica shakes her head as she continues down the dark road. “Look, if that’s what you want to believe, then you go right ahead. But I know different.”

  “I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve here, but I can guarantee whatever it is, it won’t go in your favor so why don’t you save us both a headache and stay the hell out of my business.”

  I lurch forward as Jessica slams her foot down on the break and kills the engine and it takes me a hot minute to realize we’re already in the school parking lot.

  “I don’t give a damn if you want to hear this or not, but I’m gonna tell you anyway. Your momma didn’t take you in because she was forced to, Avery. It would have been easy for her to keep you where you were. but she fought, and man, did she fight hard to have you back here in her care. Back where you’ve always belonged.”

  “But…” I stammer. She’s right. I don’t want to hear this because it’s all nothing but make-believe.

  “But nothing. It’s the damn truth, and if you’re wondering how I know, well it’s because I witnessed it first-hand. I saw how desperate your mom was to have you back. Any parent could have said no, told them they didn’t want you or think you’d thrive back in a family home, but your mom wanted you back more than anything else in the world. She could have thrown you right into the system; like the authorities originally suggested, but your mom wouldn’t hear a word of it. She told them you would be coming back here no matter what.

  She did? I really wish I could believe what Jessica was telling me. And if it is true then my mom probably only wanted me back so it made her look like the good, caring parent and she could ease her guilt. “Even if that’s true, it doesn’t make everything okay.” I snap at Jessica and my head feels like it’s about to explode. Who is she anyway, sticking up for my mom like the two of them are thick as thieves? “I guess it’s a real shame she didn’t fight with the same passion over the last ten years. If she did, we probably wouldn’t even be in this mess.”

  Jessica whistles and turns her head toward me again. “Now. Allow me to stop you right there.” She narrows her eyes and her hand grips the wheel so tight her knuckles go white. “I don’t know what your father told you, but I’m happy to bet my life it was fabricated in some way. Maybe to point him in a better light?”

  “Jessica… I wouldn’t.” I warn her, and I really hope she decides to listen. There’s no way I’ll let anyone talk badly about my father, least of all someone who didn’t even know him—especially when he isn’t even here to defend himself.

  “What’s wrong, Avery?” she continues to push me, and just because she’s in a shitty mood she thinks it’s okay to take it out on someone else. It’s clear to see she’s getting a real kick out of this. Well, not on my watch. I knew it would only be a matter of time before her true colors started to show. “Are you worried you’ll find out the truth. Who knows, maybe everything you were told while you were growing up was nothing but a lie.”

  “I don’t need to listen to this bullshit.” I grab my bad and reach for the door handle, eager to open the door. “Oh, and just so you know. I’m more than capable of making my own way home so don’t wait around for me after school.”


  “That’s fine by me. So long as you ask your mom for the truth when you get home.”

  I clench my jaw, conscious that my anger is getting to an unhealthy level. I’d love to throw something heavy at her right now. Just so I can shut that ugly, evil mouth of hers, but somehow, I manage to keep my cool and mutter, “whatever,” before slamming the door.

  Of course, Jessica would think differently about what happened. She doesn’t know what happened. All she knows is what my mom chose to tell her, and obviously she’s going to listen to what her auntie feeds her.

  What a fucking bitch. Now I can really see why Jessica and Mia are friends. They’re basically the same person. So, she had a bad weekend. Boo-fucking-hoo. Does that suddenly give her the right to try to inflict unnecessary pain on me? I don’t think so. Jessica might be used to walking over the rest of the girls in Riverstone High, but not me. I’m afraid she’s met her match on that front.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  COLE

  The house was empty when I woke up this morning, just like I knew it would be. Exactly how it always seems to be these days. That’s why I like it so much more when Tommy and Jake stay over. It’s less lonely. Not that I’ll ever admit it to anyone.

  The last thing I want is for anyone to think I’m weak—nothing but a pussy.