The Memories We Hide

by jodi Gibson

  Rachel nodded before jumping up. ‘I’ve got to go and see Mr. Tait, get the math homework,’ she said before heading toward the main building.

  Laura watched her walk away. She paused next to the group of popular girls, and one of them looked like she was asking her something. Rachel looked back at her, and then turned back to the group of girls, said something, and continued walking. Laura saw the stares from the group as they giggled behind their hands. Laura’s face reddened, and she quickly looked away.

  Laura’s phone rang, causing her to jump back from the memory. The queasiness she’d felt on that day seemed to have manifested into the present. She quickly grabbed her phone to see who it was. Stella? That was odd. Stella wouldn’t normally call this late at night.

  Laura cleared her throat and answered. ‘Hi Stella, is everything okay?’

  ‘Oh, Laura. I’m so sorry to ring you this late,’ Stella replied. Her voice was tense, and she spoke a million miles a minute.

  ‘It’s fine. What’s wrong?’

  ‘It’s Gemma.’

  ‘Is she okay?’

  ‘Well, yes. And no. Um, I’m actually out in front of your house. I’d really like to talk to you.’

  ‘Of course! Come in right now.’

  Laura went to the front door as Stella ran up the porch.

  ‘Oh, Laura!’ Stella said. ‘You’ve been crying. Are you okay? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t lump you with my problems.’

  Laura put her arms around Stella, happy to feel her warmth. ‘I’m fine, Stella, really.’

  Once in the kitchen, Laura filled up the kettle and put it on the stove. ‘Right, now tell me what’s happened?’ Laura said, pulling up a chair next to her.

  Stella looked down and fiddled with her wedding band as she spoke. ‘Well, we had a little tiff earlier today. Gemma and I. It wasn’t much. I was just trying to get through to her. Talk to her. She shuts me out all the time, and I have no idea what is going through her head.’

  Laura nodded.

  ‘Anyway, she stormed out of the house, and that was that. I didn’t think much of it. She’s always storming out or leaving without telling me these days. I guess that was about six o’clock. Then about half an hour ago, the phone rang and it was the police.’

  ‘Oh my gosh. Is Gemma all right?’

  ‘Yes, she’s fine. Mostly. They were ringing to tell me they had her there at the station. She was in St. James’s Park with some others. They were all drunk. So the police brought them in. Not to charge them. Just to give them a scare and keep them till they sobered up a bit.’

  Laura sighed. Poor Stella. She handed her the box of tissues from the bench.

  ‘I wanted to come and get her right then and there, but they told me I had to wait an hour for her to settle down. Let the alcohol wear off. I was heading there now and just going to wait outside, but … Oh, Laura. I just don’t know what to do.’ Stella dabbed her eyes.

  ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been around to see her,’ Laura said, dropping her eyes.

  ‘Oh, darling. It’s not your fault. You’ve got so much on your plate. This is our mess and,’ she wiped her nose, ‘we’ve got to deal with it.’

  ‘Where’s Art?’

  ‘He’s in Sydney again. He’s so busy with work, I don’t want to burden him with all of this. He tries to talk to her when he’s home, but it’s the same thing. She listens, doesn’t say anything, and goes to her room.’

  ‘How about I come with you? To the station and wait with you. Then we can take her home and I can have a little chat with her?’

  Stella looked across to Laura, considering her offer. Then she shook her head. ‘No, I think it’s best if I bring her home. Let her sleep it off. But, do you think you could come around and have a chat with her tomorrow? First thing? I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but …’

  ‘Not at all. I want to help.’ Laura smiled gently. She got up to pour the hot water into the cups. ‘You know, Stella, I think Ryan was suffering from depression. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. He didn’t have anywhere to turn either. I think maybe Gem’s depressed too.’

  Stella began to sob, and Laura felt awful. ‘Oh god, Stella. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just don’t want Gemma to feel alone. Like Ryan did. We can try and get her some help, someone she can talk to.’

  Stella sighed. ‘The problem’s bigger than her. It’s half the kids her age. There’s nothing for them here. That’s what they think. The council say they don’t have the funding to put things on for them. Won’t even fix up the skate park. There’s no money. People are losing jobs. There’s no hope for these kids, especially the ones who aren’t academic. They just get left behind. Just last week I had to ring up a parent and explain her daughter hadn’t been to class in two weeks. She had no idea! This poor girl is failing. And her mother had no clue! As a teacher, this is my responsibility, but everyone is fighting their own battles … I just don’t know what the answer is.’

  Laura felt a wave of emotion build up inside. A wave that she couldn’t hold back. Her shoulders began to shake and she cried.

  Stella pulled Laura in for an embrace. Laura felt Stella’s chest rise and fall with her sobbing. Crying for Gemma. For Ryan. For loss. For grief.

  Half an hour later, Laura said goodbye to Stella. Her mind instantly drew back to Ryan’s diary, but she couldn’t face it tonight again. Instead, overcome by a weight of sudden exhaustion, she pulled back the covers on her bed and climbed in, fully clothed, and closed her eyes.

  Chapter 19

  Laura woke early the next morning to the sound of the garbage truck collection. The shrieking of the brakes every few meters, the clunking of the bin being lifted and emptied and then released back to the nature strip with a thud. She pulled herself up to a sitting position and reached to her bedside table. She opened up Ryan’s diary, noticing there was no date for the next entry, and Ryan’s writing was messy, almost illegible in parts. She began reading again.

  Ryan’s Journal

  Sometimes when I’m alone, a blackness grips hold of me, pulling me down into a vast space of nothingness.

  That's the only way I can describe it. It sounds dramatic, but that's the way it feels. One minute, I feel fine. I guess like an average teenager, and then the next I feel like there’s a thousand drums beating in my head and someone is standing on my chest crushing my lungs. That feeling is happening more often and lasting longer each time. When it happens, I want to both run and hide. It’s like I’m spiraling down a black hole, looking up at the top and screaming inside for someone to help me, but the light gradually disappears and no one listens.

  Laura slowly closed the book and stared at her ceiling. Is that what Gemma feels like? As if there’s no hope? As if she’s screaming and no one is listening?

  ‘I would have listened, Ryan,’ Laura whispered. ‘If you’d let me.’

  A couple of hours later, after a strong coffee, a creamy bowl of porridge, and a hot shower, Laura walked into the library with a box of books.

  ‘Hi, Shea,’ she said, plonking the box on the counter.

  ‘Laura, hey! What’ve you got there?’ Shea peered in the box.

  ‘Just some books from my mum’s house. Some of them are pretty old, but most are in good condition. I wanted to donate them to the book sale you’re having in a few weeks. I saw the posters the other day when I was here.’

  ‘Fantastic!’ Shea said, rummaging through the books. ‘These Nora Roberts are always popular. And even these old Mills & Boons are still in demand. For a couple of our oldies.’ She winked.

  Shea placed the box under the counter. ‘So how are things going with your search?’

  Laura tilted her head.

  ‘You were looking in the archives the other day.’

  ‘Oh yeah. It’s kind of complicated.’

  Laura went on to tell Shea about her efforts to find out what really happened to Ryan. It felt good to share the story. Shea didn’t judge her.

  Laura
held her breath as she spoke. ‘I don’t know, but I think he may have meant for the train to hit him.’ It was so hard to get the words out. But everything in his journal pointed to it.

  If Shea was shocked by Laura’s summation, she didn’t show it. She simply nodded. ‘I’m so sorry, Laura. I can’t imagine how awful all this must be for you. I wish I knew what to say.’

  Laura smiled. She felt a small weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Shea was so easy to talk to.

  ‘My cousin hung himself when he was only fifteen,’ Shea continued. ‘We weren’t really close. They lived in Brisbane, but it was weird because his parents, even his sister, had no idea he was feeling that way. He wasn’t being bullied or anything. They couldn’t explain it.’

  ‘Oh, that’s horrible.’

  ‘Yeah. I don’t know if it’s more common now—depression—or just that we hear about it more these days. I see a lot of kids come in here, and a few of them, you can tell they’re pulling a mask on to hide what they’re feeling inside. I didn’t notice at first, but I do now. They seem fine with their friends around, but you can tell there’s something going on behind the façade. I think a lot of it is that they don’t see much hope here in Banyula. And for the ones who don’t want to or can’t get into uni, there aren’t many options work wise. They end up bumming around or moving to the city, only to return broke or addicted to ice or whatever. It’s hard to make them see what a beautiful place they have here, if they only gave it a chance. If the town only gave them something back. It just makes me sad to see the younger ones so, well, despondent, I guess.’

  Laura sighed. ‘I wish I had the answers, but I can’t even figure out my own mess of a life.’

  ‘Laura, no. You’re doing something positive. You’re facing your past. Trying to move forward. I think you’re really strong for doing that.’

  Laura felt her eyes well up. She hadn’t thought of herself like that.

  A lady cleared her throat at the borrowing counter, and Shea smiled. ‘Won’t be a moment, Mrs. Jackson.’

  ‘Anyway, if I can help you with anything, just let me know. I’d better go.’ She jokingly rolled her eyes toward Mrs. Jackson.

  ‘Of course. Thanks for listening to me babble on.’

  ‘Ha, no dramas at all. And thanks for the books.’

  Laura stepped out of the library and paused. Was she strong like Shea saw? She wasn’t convinced. But she knew she had to at least try to be. She wanted to help Gemma. She didn’t know how, but she at least knew she had to try.

  A few minutes later, Laura arrived at Stella’s. As she went to knock on the door, Stella swung it open. Her eyes were swollen with exhaustion. Laura wondered if she’d managed to get any sleep last night.

  ‘Laura,’ she said. ‘Thank you so much for coming.’ She held the door open, and Laura followed her to the kitchen and placed her bag on the table.

  ‘How is she?’ Laura asked.

  ‘She’s still in bed. Well, she’s in her room. I don’t think she’s sleeping.’

  Laura nodded. ‘I can come back later if that’s better. You know, after you’ve had a chance to talk to her first, maybe?’

  Stella shook her head. ‘No. It’s fine. I haven’t told her you were coming. I was hoping, if you don’t mind, that we can pretend it’s a surprise visit?’ Stella said, leaning toward Laura and speaking in a hushed tone.

  ‘Sure. Whatever works.’

  ‘Okay.’ And with that, Stella’s demeaner changed, and with a loud voice she said, ‘Laura! Oh, it’s so good to see you. I didn’t know you were coming over! You’re here to see Gemma? Oh, that’s wonderful. I know she’d love to say hi! Just wait here a tick and I’ll see if she’s up. You know teenagers and sleep-ins!’

  Laura smiled at Stella’s noteworthy acting skills as she disappeared into the hallway.

  ‘Gemma?’ Laura heard Stella call out as she knocked on Gemma’s bedroom door. ‘Are you awake? Laura’s here to see you.’

  A muffled tone responded, and then Stella returned. ‘Yes, she’s awake. Give her a moment and you can go and see her.’

  ‘Thanks, Stella,’ Laura said, playing along.

  A few moments later, Laura knocked on Gemma’s door.

  ‘Yeah,’ Gemma replied.

  Laura opened the door and saw Gemma sitting on a beanbag in the corner of the room, headphones around her neck and a blanket covering her body. The curtains were drawn, and the room gave off a sweet, musty smell. Laura well knew it was a combination of stale marijuana and air freshener.

  ‘Hi, Gem!’ Laura said, smiling. She looked around for somewhere to sit among the debris of clothes littering the floor, desk, and bed. She cleared a space and sat down on the end of Gemma’s bed.

  Gemma regarded Laura with narrow eyes and then said quietly, ‘I know Mum has sent you here to talk to me.’

  Laura bit her bottom lip, trying to think of what to say, then she slumped her shoulders and exhaled. ‘Yeah, she has. But I wanted to. Wanted to see how you were doing. It’s been ages.’

  Gemma pursed her lips and nodded with an air of distrust.

  ‘I s’pose she told you all about last night too.’

  ‘Well, she did mention it.’

  ‘Hmph,’ Gemma grunted. ‘That’d be right.’

  Laura looked around the room, trying to order her words before speaking. ‘Look, Gem, she’s worried about you, that’s all. I know you just want her to leave you alone, but she’s your mum. It’s her job to worry.’

  Gemma shrugged.

  ‘So, you don’t write anymore?’ Laura asked.

  ‘No. Wasn’t any good at it, anyway.’

  ‘Well, I think you were. You came up with some great stories with your imagination. I remember the one about the girl whose superpower was being able to change people’s minds. And she stopped World War Three! That was so clever, Gem. I think you really have talent.’

  ‘Yeah, well. That’s not going to get me anywhere. I need a real job apparently. And an education,’ she air quoted. ‘Everyone keeps telling me what I’m supposed to be doing. No one ever asks me what I want.’

  Laura shivered as she remembered Ryan once using those exact words.

  ‘Hey, Gem,’ Laura said gently. ‘I know you’re going through a really tough time right now. And you think no one gets it. And you know? You’re probably right. No one does get it. But, it doesn’t mean you’re alone. It just means it’s tough at the moment. It won’t be that way always.’

  Gemma shrugged, but Laura could see the tears welling in her eyes. She hoped she was getting somewhere.

  ‘You remember my friend Ryan?’

  Gemma frowned. ‘The one—’ She stopped mid-sentence before continuing. ‘The one who was hit by a train?’ Gemma’s eyes narrowed.

  Laura was slightly taken aback at Gemma’s blunt tone. ‘Um, yeah.’

  ‘That’s when you ran away.’

  ‘Well, I didn’t run away …’

  ‘Yes you did. One day you were here, and the next you weren’t.’

  Gemma was right. That was exactly what she did.

  ‘Was as if you had something to hide,’ Gemma snapped.

  Laura stiffened. ‘I was in shock.’

  Gemma raised an eyebrow before her expression changed, lips tight. ‘I wish I could run away like that. Like you did,’ she said under her breath.

  ‘Gem, no. You don’t. I ran away, because … well, because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t want to face the hurt. I didn’t know where to turn. But you know what? It didn’t fix anything. Here I am years later having to deal with it. I have a life that I fell into that I don’t want, and I’m no better off than I was ten years ago. In fact, I’m in a worse place than I was then.’ Laura exhaled, shocked at her own honesty that she’d never been able to articulate accurately until now.

  Laura looked to Gemma. It was hard to gage her expressionless face. She sat there with a stormy look, staring blankly ahead—not at Laura, not really at anything. Laura swallowed
back her shame and reached into her handbag and pulled out Ryan’s journal. ‘I have something I want to you to read.’

  Gemma’s eyes shot to Laura. Her curiosity was piqued. She removed the headphones from around her neck and threw them down next to her before plonking down next to Laura on the bed. ‘What’s that?’ She lifted her chin toward the notebook.

  ‘This,’ Laura said, stroking the front cover, ‘was Ryan’s journal.’

  Gemma’s mouth gaped. ‘You can’t read someone else’s journal.’

  ‘I know. You shouldn’t, but his gran wanted me to read it, to help me understand what he was going through back then. I haven’t finished yet, but I think there are some things in here that you will maybe relate to.’ Laura opened to the page she had read that morning and handed the book to Gemma.

  Laura watched as Gemma’s eyes scanned the page. Then out of nowhere, tears dropped onto the words, the droplets sinking into the paper, blurring the ink ever so slightly.

  ‘It’s okay, Gem. You’re not the only one. And you’re not alone. Everyone wants to help you. We want to listen to what you want. It’s not going to be easy. But you have to begin to trust us again,’ Laura said. ‘We’re going to help you, Gem. I promise.’

  Laura let her own tears fall too. Tears of shame, regret, hurt, and tears of relief. She wasn’t able to help Ryan, but she could help Gemma. She was sure of it.

  Gemma passed the book back to Laura without a word and then returned to the beanbag. She picked up the headphones and fiddled with the cord before turning to Laura with expressionless eyes. ‘I don’t want your kind of help.’

  At that moment, Gemma’s door flung open as Stella, who had obviously been listening, burst through. ‘Gemma! There’s no need to be rude to Laura. You apologize right now!’

  Gemma ignored her mother and turned the music up, the heavy beat and squealing guitar leaking out the headphones in a muffled tone. Laura stood up and raised her palm to Stella. ‘It’s okay, Stel. Let’s just leave her for a bit.’

  Stella looked between Gemma and Laura, and thinking better of it, turned and walked out with Laura, closing the door behind them.