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You Have to Make Your Own Fun Around Here

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by Frances Macken




  Praise for

  You Have to Make Your Own Fun Around Here

  AN IRISH TIMES, IRISH INDEPENDENT

  and SUNDAY INDEPENDENT

  ‘TITLE TO LOOK OUT FOR IN 2020’

  ‘Frances Macken’s You Have to Make Your Own Fun Around Here charts the friendship of three small-town girls from their childhoods through to their early careers, exploring envy and self-belief with consistent, natural humour and spot-on observations.’

  Caoilinn Hughes,

  award-winning author of Orchid & the Wasp

  ‘A subtle, powerful debut novel. Quietly packing her emotional punches, never predictable, Macken’s prose is clear-eyed yet lyrical, and in Katie, she has created a truly touching (and at times very funny) protagonist. Macken’s account of Katie’s journey to womanhood is at once absolutely of its time and place (Ireland, a generation ago – superbly evoked) and for all time. A character to cherish, and a new voice in fiction to celebrate.’

  Anna Beer,

  author of Patriot or Traitor

  ‘This exploration of the seething hinterland of growing up, with its often unspoken passions, unrequited longings and intense jealousies, is melancholy, funny, dark and affecting. Frances Macken is spot-on.’

  Deborah Kay Davies,

  author of Reasons She Goes to the Woods,

  longlisted for the Women’s Prize for Fiction

  This book is dedicated to those precious people

  who help us to see who we can be.

  Contents

  1. Glenbruff

  2. Dublin

  3. Glenbruff

  Acknowledgements

  ‌1

  Glenbruff

  Glenbruff is alive: there are fields and meadows, a valley with swaying grasses, gates to swing upon and hollows to hide in, and arched canopies of billowing trees set over narrow boreens.

  Myself and Evelyn and Maeve trek the overgrown railway track set deep in an incline, play at being tied to the sleepers and rescue each other in the nick of time. We go into the graveyard and visit the lichen-blotched graves of long-dead relatives, and ride bikes we’ve long outgrown over steep hills, swooping into the air before thudding onto the tar with a jaw-rattling jolt. We play in the disused quarry and sit in the old machinery left to rust, attempting to force the dusty gear stick and turn the gigantic steering wheel, its rubber coating bubbled with age and heat.

  The door of the church is always open, and we go in and gaze at holy statues, willing them to wink at us. We’re never chosen for apparitions, but it’s for the best; we might get too much of a fright, or we might be given a big job by God to carry out when all we want to do is play. Saint Jude is the saint of hopeless cases, and he stands inside the vestibule in a big maroon cloak with plaster folds, his forefinger pressed to a gold medallion. Maeve leaves flowers from the roadside at his chipped feet.

  We watch a group of older boys walking to school, spread out across the road, long legs striding. Black trousers made of cheap fabric flap in the wind, white socks garish beneath. The boys give chase, kicking plastic bottles that tipple into thick hedges.

  We girls hang back and knot ourselves together.

  I adore Evelyn. I endure Maeve. I don’t like them being too close, or doing things without my being involved. Unfortunately for me, Evelyn and Maeve are cousins, and when you’re cousins it’s a given that you’re friends; it’s a bad sign if you can’t be friends with your own cousin, and even if the cousin is in the wrong, you stand by them. That’s the rule of being cousins.

  For Maeve, it’s a mixed blessing having Evelyn for a cousin. Evelyn is bold, and I know it, and the children at school know it, but the grown-ups don’t know it at all. Evelyn has a small, round face. She has hazel eyes that dart about, with violet shadows beneath. Her skin is sallow and her hair is long and dark, worn with a middle parting. She is thin and angular, with a curious sort of frame, the hips leading and the spine tilting backwards, her body appearing crooked from the side like a straw distorted in a clear glass of water. She gets away with things and that’s why I find her so interesting.

  Maeve has wispy hair that catches in the breeze, a small and compact barrelish body and a protruding tummy. She has large slate-grey eyes that droop at the outer corners, like a sad dog. Her teeth resemble little pegs, and she can carry a masterful whistle. She has wet bubbles in her nose in the winter that bring about weeping scabs, and a mysterious bald patch behind her left ear, and we whack anyone who asks her about it, but even me and Evelyn don’t know why it’s there.

  I can’t say for certain why the three of us are friends. Sure, who can answer a question like that. I suppose there aren’t many children along our road, so there isn’t much choice, and I don’t give it a lot of thought. We carry on as we are, and there’s plenty of fun to be had. That’s not to say that I couldn’t make nicer or better friends in another place, but how would I ever know the difference.

  I hold my fingers in a frame, place them in front of my eyes and peer through to see what the photographs would look like. I even make a tsch! out of the corner of my mouth to mimic the mechanical sound of a shutter.

  The quarry fills up with water in the wintertime, but in the summer it’s abundant with unusual ferns, caterpillars pulsing along the fronds, miniature frogs and lizards blinking and bulging, and purple flowers sprouting from bristles. No one knows that we play in the quarry, and our parents would be disturbed if they were to find out. Evelyn’s brother, Mickey, is in the habit of following us, so we have to ensure that the coast is clear if we intend to play there.

  The council have put up a wire-mesh fence around the edge, but it’s easy for us to peel it from one side and clamber down onto the quarry’s floor. We are girl explorers, out in the unknown: the outback, the jungle, the desert, distant planets and kingdoms. I take a rope from the shed at home and we practise at bullwhip-flexing for a long afternoon, thwapping the rope off the ground until we can hardly see for dust.

  I might announce that I’ve discovered a dried clod of dinosaur dung, and we stand around and prod at the ground with twigs. ‘A herbivore. See the fibres. That’s a sign that this dinosaur feeds off grass and leaves.’

  ‘We’ll have to build a trap so we can catch him,’ Evelyn says, her chest puffed out and hands on her hips.

  ‘What’ll we use for a trap?’ says Maeve.

  ‘We’ll set out some bait. Then we can hide over there, and when the dinosaur comes, we’ll take pictures,’ I say, patting the invisible camera slung around my neck.

  We place our imaginary bait on the ground and huddle behind a set of skinny saplings, and then Evelyn exclaims, ‘Here he comes. Look at him!’

  Maeve and I gasp, and we gaze up high as though the creature has suddenly manifested from a prehistoric age, plodding before us as pterodactyls spin in the sky. Tsch. Tsch. Tsch. We stay in the quarry all day long until the hunger weakens us, and then we bolt home, leaving our imaginings behind to be picked up again the following day.

  Evelyn likes to play a game she calls ‘Cleopatra’. She sits on a boulder and commands that she be cooled by the wafting of ferns. Myself and Maeve stand either side of the boulder and do the wafting. We are commanded to set out on a quest to find diamonds, and we scuttle about, searching for a chunk of sparkling quartz before presenting it to her. Evelyn says that the largest diamond of all is hidden in the old rock crusher, and we are ordered to fetch it. ‘Bring it to me.’ I look to Maeve, and she looks to me, and we both look at the crusher. The old crushing machine is orange with rust and wrapped round with glossy green ivy. It resembles a tall chimney stack, close to twenty metres in height, with a great metal chamber a
t the bottom. A fierce wind has pushed the chute of the crusher into a slanted position so that the opening of the chute rests against the quarry’s edge. I don’t know the mechanism on the inside, but I imagine gargantuan teeth within the crushing chamber, and cogs and plates that spin around, whittling rocks into rubble.

  Hesitantly, myself and Maeve approach the crusher, and we slowly amble around it, looking to see if there’s a way of getting inside without going down the chute, but there isn’t. We glance back to Evelyn and her gaze is authoritative. Maeve steps onto the metal chamber and begins shunting herself up the outside of the chute, deftly clutching onto the ivy. She hauls herself to the lip of the chute and punches the air with her small fist. ‘You did it!’ I exclaim. I hadn’t thought she had it in her.

  ‘Don’t forget the diiiamonnnd,’ calls Evelyn, and Maeve promptly swings herself inside the chute. There’s an alarming scream, followed by a metallic clanking and an almighty bang, as Maeve tumbles down the chute and into the crushing chamber.

  I knock hard on the side. ‘Are you dead, Maeve?’ I press my ear to the chamber, and I can hear heaving and gasping, and then a long, anguished wailing sound carries out of the chute and across the fields.

  Evelyn leaps off the boulder. ‘Fuck,’ she says. You don’t use words like that, words that pierce the heart of God, unless the situation is very grave. She takes a stick and raps it off the side of the chamber. Maeve howls again, louder than before, like a sonic boom reverberating around the thickness of the quarry.

  ‘You’ll make her deaf. Stop it.’ I hope there aren’t teeth in the chamber, and I imagine Maeve impaled in the darkness. The wind rises up and the chute shudders, and a ghostly howl pitches into the air, the likes of which you might hear all over the county. Maeve is like Alice, falling down, down, down the rabbit hole. Maeve is like the Little Match Girl, delirious and dying in the dark.

  Myself and Evelyn scramble up the side of the quarry to the grassy landing and close to the top of the chute. ‘You’ll have to push your back against one side and your feet flat against the other side, and try and get out that way.’

  Evelyn cups her hands around her mouth and sings, ‘I’m the ghost of the quarry, and you’ll never escape.’ She can be a terror, but we’re well used to her.

  ‘Come on, Maeve. You can’t stay down there. We’ve to go home soon. Put your back against one side and your feet against the other side and wriggle up towards us. You can do it.’

  ‘Don’t worry. You won’t starve. We’ll come back tomorrow with slug sandwiches and throw them down at you,’ Evelyn jibes. She lays back against the grass, places her palms behind her neck and sighs impatiently.

  The wind picks up once more, and Maeve’s howling rolls out from deep within the chute and across the land beyond the quarry. I persist with the coaxing. We begin to hear small grunts interspersed with snivelling, and make out the sound of Maeve’s rubber plimsolls scuffing within the chute, and the prang and pop! of metal panels as her back shimmies upward. ‘Good girl, Maeve. I see you coming. Not long to go now.’

  ‘I’m going to fall. My legs hurt.’

  ‘I can see your head. You’re nearly there.’ Maeve is close enough now that myself and Evelyn can catch her under the arms and haul her out onto the grass. Maeve is like a feeble newborn foal, coated in a thick grey dust. Her small legs are trembling, her yellow shorts barely visible beneath the crud.

  ‘You look like someone sucked you up into a hoover,’ says Evelyn, offering Maeve an apple. Evelyn can give us strength, but she can steal it away from us too when she feels like it. Maeve takes the apple and tears her teeth into it. I’m hungry myself. It’s time for home.

  We often meet Aidan Morley and his brother, Peadar, in the summertime, and we stop on the road and talk with them about what they’re up to, and more often than not we’ll all hit off together, the five of us, for the full day. ‘We were going to go up to the bridge and make wishes,’ I might say.

  ‘We were going to go up to the bog for a look,’ Aidan might say, and it’s something we wouldn’t have thought to do, to go up to the bog for a look. Aidan is ten, the same age as ourselves. He looks like a smiling boy on the side of a box of cheese, with sandy hair and a snub nose and hard white teeth. I think I might be in love with him, but it’s only when I’m anywhere near him. I saw him skipping happily along the road once, and it didn’t surprise me, knowing Aidan, though I later learned that skipping in such a way is a popular exercise for footballers. His brother Peadar is older than us by one year. He has a tan all year round, and straight black hair worn long at the front and clipped close at the back. His eyes are narrow and framed with dark eyelashes, and he has a sulky-looking mouth.

  It’s a hot day and the horizon shimmers before us. We come off the road and begin walking across the bog, and the peat is spongy with a crumbly surface, like a burned cake. Maeve shields her eyes from the sun with her hand. She refuses to take her cardigan off because she loses her things if she doesn’t keep them on her, and she’s been well warned at home not to do it again. ‘Do ye see there’s a man across the bog,’ she says. We turn and look but we don’t see a man. We see a line of black trees, and beyond the trees is more bog for miles and miles.

  ‘There’s no man there, Maeve,’ I say, disturbed.

  ‘There is. He’s waving at us.’ There isn’t a man at all. I think Maeve has had too much sun.

  ‘What’d happen if the bog went on fire?’ enquires Evelyn.

  I have a good imagination, and Evelyn and Maeve and Peadar and Aidan turn to me, awaiting my answer. ‘I suppose the fire engine would come from Adragule, and we’d have no turf for when the weather gets cold. We’d all have to stay in the community centre for the whole winter, the whole lot of us under a gigantic blanket. All the blankets in Glenbruff would be sewn together, and Father Christopher would have us praying morning, noon and night.’ We have a good laugh at the thoughts of it. Evelyn gives me a warm look, like she’s pleased with me for concocting the amusing story, and then she says she wants to look for bog bodies, so we all hold hands and walk across a good stretch of the bog.

  ‘This is how they find clues when people go missing,’ Evelyn says, and we creep along with half-steps, scanning the peat. At school we learned that bodies could be preserved in peat for thousands of years, and we’ve seen one ourselves in a glass case in a museum up in Dublin: a crinkled, small man with mahogany skin whose throat was slit as a sacrifice. I suspect that if we were to come across a bog man, we’d end up in the paper, or even on the news.

  ‘What are we looking for?’ Maeve scrunches her eyes together. It seems to me that her frispy hair is crackling in the sun.

  ‘Anything that looks like a sack or a piece of string. Or we might see a bit of a face looking up at us,’ Peadar says.

  I don’t want to see a leather face peeping out of the ground. It’s fine to look at one in a glass case in a museum, but I don’t want to trip over a bog man in my new Velcro sandals. There’s no sign of anything, thank God, and I quickly become bored, in addition to being overheated. I think of the cool kitchen at home and I feel like going there without further ado.

  ‘It’s too hot. I’m off home.’ I make to move, but Evelyn clutches me in the thin fat at the back of my arm.

  ‘Don’t.’

  ‘Let me go.’

  She watches me for a moment and draws back her hand. ‘Only babies run home in the middle of things, Katie.’

  ‘I’m not a baby. I can go if I want.’ There’s nothing worse than being compared to a baby, especially in front of the Morley brothers.

  I make my way back to the road. I’m walking along then, happy enough, until I think of the man Maeve claimed to have seen in the bog. I try to put him out of my mind, but it doesn’t work. I have a bad feeling that there’s someone following me along the lonely road. I imagine a bog body staggering in the rippled air, the deflated mahogany man with a sack over his shoulder and a dirty rope swinging from his neck. I pick up the pa
ce until I’m scrambling down the road, slapping along, and the Velcro sandals are half falling off me. I’m frightened out of my wits, and projectile tears shoot out of my eyes.

  ‘You’re home early. Did something happen?’ Mammy asks, turning to me as I burst in the back door. Mammy makes us eat salad in the summer: hacked-up lettuce and a boiled egg and cubes of cheese. She is ‘taking a holiday from preparing dinners’, so we have to eat cold things and we’ve no choice.

  ‘I just got lonesome for you,’ I admit, but that’s only the half of it.

  ‘You’re a little dote.’ Mammy hands me a mandarin orange from a bowl. I’m high with relief. It’s only when I’m next to Mammy that I can think sensibly.

  At six o’clock, my small brother, Robert, careens into the backyard on his BMX bike, casting little stones in a shower. He lets out a roar. ‘The bog is on fire!’ Mammy rushes out the back door and I’m quick on her heels. We can hear the siren of the fire engine blaring, and see a grey blanket of smoke encroaching the sky. Daddy arrives home not long after that, and we all pile into the car to go and look at the bog on fire. Great whapping flames have ripped along the centre of the bog and are spreading fast. The churning smoke is thick and black. Four heavyset firemen trudge across the bog with two big hoses as thick as pythons, and all of the neighbours – the Morleys, the Lynches, the Cassidys and ourselves, the Devanes – are standing around and taking in the spectacle of it. The fire is put out in fifteen minutes, and the grown-ups say it’s not unlikely for a fire to catch with the dry heat and the peat being so flammable.

  The remainder of undamaged bog is harvested at the end of the summer, and Aidan and Peadar sit up on the high stack of turf on the back of their father’s tractor. That’s one of the most dangerous things you can do. If the tractor was to take a sharp turn, you could be flung off the turf and break your neck in a ditch. Still, I want to sit up on the turf and wave at everyone. I haven’t the courage, but Evelyn does. The tractor rolls away and Evelyn is cocked on top of it, waving like a queen at all of her subjects on the ground below. Maeve and myself watch enviously as they take off into the distance.

 

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