by Paige Toon
So what am I doing here?
Encouraging him?
Because that would be cruel, and I’ve never considered myself to be cruel.
The truth is I wanted to come. I wanted to care for him.
I wanted to see him.
Ed interrupts my thoughts. ‘Are you okay?’
But my thoughts continue to assault me.
Van must’ve known that. Why didn’t he stop me?
An uneasy feeling settles over me.
‘I think I’d better go,’ I mumble, to his surprise. I’d only just said I’d stay. ‘No, I’ll see myself out.’ I stop him in his tracks as he makes a move to get up.
‘Nell?’
‘I’m fine. Give me a call if you need me on Monday, okay?’
He nods. His confused expression is the last thing I see before I walk out.
The kids are already in bed by the time I get back to the cottage, although I very much doubt they’re sleeping. We don’t mind them whispering to each other for a bit, as long as they don’t squabble. On the whole, they get on well, but by the end of each day, Van and I are hankering for some peace and quiet.
I find Van in the kitchen with a beer, sitting and staring out of the window at the darkening night.
‘Hey,’ he says when he notices me.
‘Hi.’
He pushes his chair out from the table, not quite managing the knack of silence as he gets up. I flinch and slip my arms around his waist, resting my cheek against his broad chest. He holds me as I try to swallow the lump in my throat.
Our lovemaking that night is bittersweet, and I’m teetering on the brink of tears the whole time. We’ve now passed the halfway point of our month together and every day is bringing us closer to him going home.
Libby is also quieter than her usual self that week. On Thursday morning, I come out of the bathroom to see Van hugging her in the hallway. Luke, I gather, is over in the annexe, waiting for her to go and play.
‘Everything okay?’ I ask with concern.
‘Missing her mum,’ Van replies in a husky voice, as Libby lets out an anguished sob. ‘It’s the longest she’s been away from home.’
‘I’m sorry, darling,’ I say softly, rubbing her back. Van’s blue eyes are pained as they lock with mine.
Aside from the text I sent Ed on Monday, asking if he was back at work, and the reply I received saying that he was, we haven’t had any contact with each other, so I’m tense when we go to the pub across the river for Sunday lunch and Ed pulls up outside with his sailing boat on a trailer.
‘There’s Ed!’ Luke cries out.
Van gets up from the bench table where we’re sitting and crosses the road to where Ed is climbing out of his car.
‘All right, mate,’ I hear him say, shaking Ed’s hand. ‘You need some help with this?’
Ed glances across the road at me and lifts his hand. I wave back and force a smile, hearing him ask Van if he’s finished eating before accepting his offer.
‘Mum, can I go out on the boat with Ed?’ Luke asks me animatedly.
‘Wait and see,’ I reply.
‘Can I get down from the table?’
‘Have you finished?’ I nod at his almost empty plate.
‘Yeah, I’m full.’
‘Okay. Careful crossing the road!’ I caution as Libby also jumps to her feet, clambering her knife and fork together on her plate.
‘I’m full, too,’ she says.
They’ve been dying to go back to the beach ever since their food arrived.
I’m not sure why I’m still sitting here, frankly. Everyone else has left, but I’m rooted to the spot, watching as Ed and Van work together to get the boat to the water. Luke bounces up and down on the pebbled sand near the shore and lifts his hands over his head in a victory cheer at something Ed says, before they both glance my way.
Ed points at Luke, followed by his boat, then holds his hands palms-up in a question.
I nod, flashing him the okay sign.
Libby bounces on her feet. The waitress comes to clear the table and I drag myself to a standing position, knowing that if I remain here now, it’s going to seem odd. I cross the road and jump down onto the beach. The sun comes out from behind the clouds and strikes the water right in front of me, making it sparkle brilliant white, like cut glass under a strobe light. Shielding my eyes, I arrive in time to see Ed returning from the direction of the boat-hire place with two children’s life jackets.
‘Hi.’ I smile at him.
‘Hey.’ He smiles in return, handing Van one of the life jackets for Libby.
‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’ I ask as Luke slips on the other.
‘Not at all.’ He bends down to adjust Luke’s straps, making sure it’s a snug fit.
‘Only for a little while, okay, kids?’ Van orders firmly when they’re ready. ‘Make sure you both do exactly what Ed says or you’ll end up in the water. By that, I mean I’ll dunk you in myself if you annoy him.’
Luke nods solemnly, while Libby giggles, not taking the threat at all seriously.
Van and I stand on the jetty and watch as they set off, the small white boat tilting to the side in the wind, its white sails billowing out as it glides across the river. The children’s laughter carries across the water towards us.
‘I don’t understand,’ I say in not much more than a whisper.
Van’s attention is fixed on our children, but emotion has gathered in his eyes.
If he believes that Ed is in love with me, if there’s even a tiny chance that he thinks those feelings might be in any way reciprocated, why is he being so amiable, so helpful, so nice?
‘He’s a good guy,’ he replies in a low voice.
‘So?’ I can’t keep the angst from mine.
He glances at me and there’s a world of regret, love, tenderness and acceptance. ‘This is no life, Nell.’
I let out a sob.
‘Shh.’ He takes me in his arms. ‘Stop. We’ll talk about it later.’
I don’t want to talk about it later. I don’t want to talk about it at all. In fact, I point-blank refuse that night when the kids are in bed, making frantic, heartfelt love to him in an attempt to bring us closer, to help us reconnect. But it’s there, between us, this subject, and although he’s not pushing me to talk about it, I know that he will. It’s only a matter of time. Time that is swiftly running out.
It happens at Glendurgan on the last day of their holiday. The kids are tearing around the maze, their heads bobbing up and down above the low cherry laurel hedge as they squeal with laughter. I’m remembering Van and me as children, when Dad used to work here, and I know that Van is lost in the past, too.
He reaches across, takes my hand and tells me that he loves me.
‘Don’t say it,’ I beg.
‘We gave it a good go.’
‘Please.’
‘Don’t cry,’ he implores.
‘How can you ask me not to cry?’ I gasp.
‘Hold it together for them.’
His words help quell the onslaught of my emotions, but I resent him for saying it.
‘Hear me out,’ he asks as I bite my lip. ‘We’ve done five years of this, and we’ve got at least another eight more on the cards. I can’t leave Libby before she’s eighteen.’
‘I know that,’ I interrupt. ‘I understand. I wouldn’t leave Luke, either.’
‘What we have is a lonely existence, Nell. Not just for you.’
I’m shocked. ‘You want to date other women?’
He doesn’t answer.
‘Is there anyone else?’ I ask.
‘Of course there isn’t,’ he snaps.
‘But there could be,’ I realise, dully.
‘We’re thirty-five,’ he says. ‘I know you want more children.’
My heart contracts.
‘I can’t give them to you.’
‘I’ll make do,’ I tell him desperately.
‘I don’t want you to have to make do!’ Van
raises his voice, prompting a couple nearby to glance over at us. ‘I want to give you everything, but I can’t.’
He takes me by my arm and guides me away so we have more privacy. I stare down at the giant gunnera plants nearby and wish that I could hide under them, pretending to play with the fairies, as we did as children. But this is no fairy tale.
‘I love you,’ he says, his expression fierce. ‘I’ve loved you as my sister, I’ve loved you as my friend, and God knows I love you as my lover. But…’ He looks towards the maze, where Libby is squealing with laughter. ‘I love her more.’ His voice chokes up and tears fill his eyes, something I see a second before my own vision turns blurry.
‘You know I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ I sniff as I delve into my bag and pull out tissues for both of us. We turn away from the maze to dry our eyes and it hurts to witness his pain, as it always has.
‘You deserve more,’ he says, taking a ragged breath. ‘You deserve so much more. Ed could give that to you.’
‘But I love you! I’ve always loved you! I will always love you.’
‘I will always love you, too. That doesn’t mean there’s not room in our hearts to love someone else, to start something new, something that will last. It’s too hard, this living in limbo that we’re doing. I know we could carry on like this, but I don’t want you to give up some of the best years of your life when I know how much you’re missing out on. Your dad never gave anyone else a chance, and he was lonely, Nell. Maybe you couldn’t see it because you didn’t want to see it, but you weren’t enough for him, however hard you tried to be. You were the best daughter he could’ve hoped for, but he needed more. I don’t want you to end up like that.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘Sometimes two people are meant to be together. Sometimes they’re not.’
‘Well, in this case, we are,’ I state passionately.
He stares at me for a long moment and I feel like I’m sinking, drowning.
‘Five years from now…’
‘Don’t,’ I cut him off. ‘Don’t say those words to me.’
‘I’m letting you go, Nell,’ he whispers.
‘You can’t,’ I reply. ‘I’m yours.’
Forty
A commotion in the doorway makes me jolt upright, and I look over my shoulder at one of the friendlier nurses bustling in with a foldaway bed.
‘His daddy called,’ she tells me with a smile. ‘He asked if it might be possible to arrange a bed for you.’
I’m so grateful, I could weep. ‘Thank you so much,’ I say in a whisper, hoping the noise won’t wake Luke.
I don’t correct her mistake. Luke’s ‘daddy’ is in Amsterdam right now, celebrating five years of marriage with his wife and their toddler Zach.
‘No, no, you sit down,’ she commands when I try to give her a hand. She’s quick to finish up, leaving me to it.
I kick off my shoes and throw back the covers, gingerly climbing into bed and trying to get comfortable. Glancing at Luke, I start at the sight of him gazing back at me.
‘Sorry, darling,’ I whisper. ‘I hoped you’d sleep through all that.’
‘You didn’t have to stay,’ he replies.
‘I didn’t want to leave you here alone.’
‘I’ll be fine, Mum. You should go home and get some rest.’
‘I can get plenty here. Do you need anything?’ I ask.
‘No, I’m fine. Go to sleep,’ he urges.
‘Okay. You too. Night night.’
‘Night.’
‘I love you,’ I say.
‘I love you more,’ he replies.
He closes his eyes, a smile playing about the corners of his lips.
He honestly has no idea.
Three Years Later
Here I am again…
I stand and stare at the doors, my pulse jumping every time they open and fail to deliver. Luke sighs and folds his arms across his chest, glancing around the arrivals hall with a bored look on his face. I had to persuade him to come with me. He wanted to go surfing, but I needed the distraction.
‘They’ll be here soon,’ I murmur.
He sighs again and rakes his hand through his light-blond curls. He looks so much like his father did at his age. He’s not short of female attention, either, but has so far avoided picking up Nick’s former reputation. My son is more responsible with the hearts girls have tried to bestow on him.
‘Pretty nuts that you’re going to be going to university together,’ I say casually, trying to make conversation.
‘Mm.’
I don’t know if that’s a good ‘mm’ or a bad ‘mm’, and chances are he’s not sure himself. I don’t blame him for being apprehensive. University is supposed to be a fresh start, but that’s not so easy when someone you know is tagging along with you.
Of course, if he really wanted a fresh start, Luke would have opted to study further afield than Falmouth.
There are two main reasons he chose to stay close to home. One is the money – the cost these days is much more taxing on students than it used to be, so he can save by commuting. The second is the same reason Libby opted to study at Falmouth: its access to Cornwall’s beaches. Libby is even more of a surf addict than Luke. She wanted to study abroad and it was her junior surf champion status that helped her to win a scholarship.
‘Maybe you can take Libby surfing this afternoon, if she’s not too knackered?’ I suggest, glancing up at him. He towers over me now.
‘Maybe.’
Hold back on the enthusiasm, pal…
I think he finds the prospect of surfing with her daunting.
He goes rigid, his eyes growing wide. With my heart in my throat, I turn to see what – or indeed, who – has caught his attention. My eyes make it no further than Van’s.
My head spins as he comes towards us, knocking me sideways with his agonising familiarity. He still has a beard, but he’s grown into it more, and his face has weathered, with creases at the corners of his eyes and a hint of grey around his temples. He reminds me of a photograph I once saw of his father.
I force myself to turn my attention to the eighteen-year-old girl at his side and do a double take.
Libby is stunning. Tall and strong and beautiful, with long auburn hair cascading down her back in soft waves, her blue eyes peeking out from behind a thick, choppy fringe. She looks so much like her father.
‘Hi!’ she exclaims, dropping her rucksack to the floor and opening her arms.
‘I can’t believe how much you’ve grown!’ I cry, stepping forward to engulf her in a hug.
Really, she’s the one engulfing me – she must be Luke’s height.
I’m aware of Van greeting Luke in a similar manner, his deep Australian voice hitting me squarely in my solar plexus.
He turns to me and butterflies crowd my stomach as I lift my gaze to meet his. His eyes are full of a sentiment I can’t bear to try to decipher.
He’s here… After all these years, he’s here…
He takes my hands and steps closer, very gently resting his forehead against mine. My eyes fall shut as the years fold back on themselves. I’ve imagined this moment so many times.
Emotion wells up from deep inside me, but then he lifts his head and steps away, letting me go.
I inhale sharply and turn to the kids.
Only to stop short. They’re staring at each other like they’ve never seen each other before. A shiver goes down my spine as I glimpse the future – a future where my son wants to move to the other side of the world for the love of a girl. I shake my head to rid myself of my imaginings and Luke and Libby simultaneously break eye contact, looking anywhere but at each other as we set off towards the car park.
Libby is going to be studying Fashion Design at Falmouth, while Luke has chosen a career in architecture. It was a decision he came to during the summer he turned fifteen and was holed up on the sofa with his broken ankle. Bored of watching television and playing video games, he started to read the books I’d been bringing home for
him. He had never been much of a reader and if it weren’t for his accident, I doubt he ever would have picked up the novel that inspired him. I said at the time that it might take five years for him to make sense of what had happened – in reality, it took a lot less than that.
‘Are you looking forward to visiting your campus, Libby?’ I smile at her in the rear-view mirror, doing my best to fill the awkward silence that has descended upon the car.
‘Yeah, I can’t wait,’ she replies.
‘You’re at Penryn campus, right?’ Luke asks.
‘Yep. Are you at Falmouth?’
‘Yeah. It’s about a twenty-minute bus ride away from you.’
‘But you’re not living at uni, are you?’
‘No. I’m staying at home. It’s not that far.’
‘Luke has the annexe, which is separate to the cottage, so he has his own space,’ I chip in, glad to see them warming up.
‘Aah, I remember the annexe!’ Libby cries, thawing fully. ‘We played Lego in it, didn’t we?’
‘Yeah.’ I can hear the smile in Luke’s voice.
‘Do you have a car?’ Libby asks him.
‘Yeah, my dad got me one for my eighteenth birthday. It’s not until next week, but he gave it to me early.’
We’re having a big party at The Boatman to celebrate. Even Mum and Robert are coming over for it.
‘He’ll be able to bring you back for Sunday lunches, sometimes,’ I say. ‘I might even do your washing for you, too.’
‘Result!’ she cries, punching the air.
Van chuckles and looks out of the window, his fingers tapping against his thigh.
I resist the urge to reach over and squeeze his hand.
Eventually, I give up on the small talk and Libby takes the baton, engaging Luke in discussions about surfing and what he gets up to with his friends. Van and I sit in silence and the atmosphere is loaded between us.
Finally, we arrive at the whitewashed cottage that he once called home. Luke and Libby clamber out, the latter talking excitedly about how the cottage looks exactly the same as she remembered it. But I know Van has spotted the addition that has been made to the property since he was last here. It glints in the sunshine, silver against the shades of green: green grass, green river, green trees.