The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

by Christopher K Germer

  Neutral Person

  This is a very interesting category despite its dull name. It’s an opportunity to develop loving-kindness toward any of the 6.7 billion people (and counting) you may encounter in your lifetime. The neutral person is someone you don’t know yet, which means you have relatively little liking or disliking beyond the usual stereotypes and prejudices.

  It’s fun to select someone you’ll probably see again so that you can gauge the effect of your meditation. That’s what I did in the example of Rajiv given earlier. As the weeks progress, also remember to include animals and plants in your circle of kindness. I practiced metta for fruit flies in my kitchen while I was writing this book and had an unexpected flash of compassion when one flew in my nose. Neutral doesn’t stay neutral very long when we make it the object of loving-kindness.

  Your main challenge with the neutral person will be to maintain the energy of loving-kindness. You can drop back to your benefactor or yourself whenever the practice needs refreshing. Don’t let the practice become dull or you’ll be training your brain in the fine art of dullness. Visualize the neutral person as best you can, experience the presence of that person, repeat the words slowly and gently, sense the importance of the words, and remind yourself that the neutral person is a vulnerable being just like you, subject to pain and death.

  Difficult Person

  Whereas the neutral person is an exercise in breadth, the difficult person is an exercise in depth. We need to drop to a deeper place within ourselves to evoke and sustain loving-kindness toward those who’ve hurt us. Difficult people are therefore our “best friends” on the path of loving-kindness.

  To begin with, choose a person who is mildly difficult, not a person who has hurt you badly or who is causing massive hardship on the world stage. Let it be someone you feel comfortable enough visualizing in meditation.

  Yeah, well, the Dalai Lama never had to deal with your whining.

  TRY THIS: The Difficult Person

  This meditation will also take 20 minutes. Prepare for meditation in the manner described earlier and then begin repeating the metta phrases to yourself and your benefactor (in either order) for about 5 minutes.

  Bring an image of your “difficult person” to mind. Remind yourself that the difficult person is struggling to find his or her way through life and, in so doing, is causing you pain. Say to yourself, “Just as I wish to be peaceful and free from suffering, may you too find inner peace.”

  Repeat the phrases softly, keeping the image of the difficult person in your mind while sensing the value of your words:

  May you be safe.

  May you be happy.

  May you be healthy.

  May you live with ease.

  Feelings of aversion, disgust, anger, guilt, shame, or sadness will immediately arise. The metta phrases may sound hollow alongside these emotions. Give a label to the emotion you’re feeling (“sadness,” “anger”) and practice compassion for yourself (“May I be safe …”). When you feel better, try again with your difficult person.

  Go back and forth between yourself (or your benefactor) and the difficult person. Make sure the experience of good will describes your meditation session overall.

  Before you end, release the difficult person and say:

  May I and all beings be safe.

  May I and all beings be happy.

  May I and all beings be healthy.

  May I and all beings live with ease.

  Gently open your eyes.

  Give yourself credit for taking on this challenge. It reflects your commitment to bringing loving-kindness to all aspects of your life.

  You may have the following thoughts as you work with difficult people in your life:

  • “I don’t want my difficult person to be happy. Then he (or she) won’t change!” When we offer a difficult person loving-kindness, we’re not accepting bad behavior or hoping the person will escape the consequences of his or her actions. Rather, we’re wishing for the person to become a happy, peaceful human being. It may help to make the phrases more credible to your ear, such as, “May [Michael] heal his inner wounds and find the way to happiness.” Your difficult person might change for the better when you have a warmer attitude, but try not to make your practice contingent upon his or her behavior.

  • “I don’t even want to think about my difficult person!” Most people instinctively wish that their difficult person would just disappear or die. There’s a Tibetan saying: “Don’t bother wishing your enemies will die; they’ll do that anyway!” If you’re having strong feelings of aversion and they don’t subside, switch to a less difficult person. Also, don’t feel obligated to feel the presence of the difficult person while doing metta meditation, as you would the benefactor, if it’s too uncomfortable. Work with the phrases so you feel at ease and loving-kindness prevails. You might prefer the emotional distance of using a person’s proper name—“May [John Doe] find inner peace …”—rather than an informal pronoun, “May you be …” Finally, you can always take refuge in the company of your benefactor (or your own company) whenever you wish.

  • “I spend too much time giving loving-kindness and compassion to myself!” That’s impossible. Don’t worry if your meditation on the difficult person is 95% self-metta. Working with disturbing emotions (“backdraft”) can comprise the majority of metta practice with difficult people. The more pain you feel, the more self-care you’ll need. Sometimes it helps to put your hand on your heart and slowly breathe through your heart to get the feeling of self-compassion.

  • “Can’t I start by tackling the toughest character in my life first?” It’s usually best to take a middle path—someone not too hard and not too easy. With steady practice, even the most difficult people will lose their grip on you. Use your intuition to decide whether the most difficult person will derail you from the task of generating loving-kindness.

  • “I just want to forgive and forget.” Don’t rush forgiveness. Forgiveness toward others can come only after you’ve opened to your own pain and accepted it fully. When you feel ready, try repeating forgiveness phrases such as:

  I’ve suffered terrible loss, fear, and self-doubt. I’ve been lonely and confused. I forgive myself for what I’ve done, knowingly or unknowingly, to harm you.

  Then shift to the difficult person:

  I know that you too have suffered. You’ve also had times of loneliness, heartache, despair, and confusion. I forgive you for what you’ve done, knowingly or unknowingly, to hurt me.

  Repeat the forgiveness phrases as you would the metta phrases, always returning to self-metta when needed. Forgiveness requires that we deal directly with emotional pain, not bypass it.

  I know a woman, Miranda, who was sexually abused in childhood by her uncle. After he committed suicide in his mid-70s, Miranda was told by her meditation teacher to meditate on the good things that her deceased uncle had brought into her life, such as creativity and reckless abandon. To her amazement, it helped Miranda heal the bitterness and despair she felt toward her uncle. This approach is generally not recommended until much has been done to validate one’s own suffering, as Miranda had done. In her case, the teacher was also very loving and aware of how Miranda had suffered, which provided a safety net from which she could forgive her uncle. Even so, Miranda had to intermittently stop her metta practice, or focus only on herself, when she got lost in her traumatic memories.

  • “We’re both good people, but the relationship is a pain.” You can care for the relationship as an entity, not just the participants as separate individuals. A relationship is a “we.” Loving-kindness toward a relationship assumes you have made peace with yourself and the other person already. It’s a slightly advanced practice. When you’re ready, you can practice by saying “May we be safe, May we be happy, May we be healthy, May we live with ease.”

  • “What if our culture is the ‘difficult person’?” Emotional pain is often embedded in social problems, such as racism, sexism, homophobia,
and other forms of prejudice. These can also be addressed in your metta phrases: “May you and I be free from the pain of prejudice.” Since prejudice is the result of ignorance, you can also try the words “May we all be free from the pain of ignorance.” Both sides of the bigotry equation avoid one another to feel safe or more comfortable. The inner work of loving-kindness and compassion practice can start the process of humanizing and reconnecting with one another.

  • “Can I skip a category or stay longer with a particular person?” The categories are guidelines, not rules. Use your intuition and common sense, keeping the energy of loving-kindness as alive as possible. Toward that end, you can practice any way you see fit.

  Groups

  The final category is good will toward numerous individuals at the same time. We already practice this way at the end of each meditation session to expand the circle of loving-kindness: “May I and all beings be happy and free from suffering.”

  Once you’ve worked with all the different categories, try gathering everyone together in your mind and offering them loving-kindness at the same time. Or, as if you were hosting a dinner party, you can silently say to each person in sequence, “May you be safe … may you be safe … and may you be safe …” and so on. Don’t forget yourself. The guests at my party might include the Dalai Lama, a childhood friend, the clerk at the convenience store, and a politician who particularly offends me. It’s fun to imagine this unlikely gathering in one place. Your “group” will be easier to visualize the longer you work with each individual in meditation.

  Allow yourself to appreciate the common humanity of all the people you’ve gathered together. Everyone is breathing; all experience similar human emotions; everyone suffers from time to time; they all wish to be happy; and no one will live forever. Wish everyone well: “May you be safe, peaceful, healthy, and live with ease.”

  Other groupings can be made of the people in your home, town, country, or the entire world. You can focus on all the living beings in each of the four directions; all beings above (birds) and below (bugs and worms); all living things seen and unseen; all men and all women; all tall and short people; slim and fat; old and young. You can make up your own pairs of opposites. The “group” idea is to recognize the equality of all beings and not to exclude anyone, especially those you might tend to overlook. It’s an especially expansive and joyful practice once you get the knack of it.

  LOVING OTHERS WITHOUT LOSING YOURSELF

  Each individual needs to find a healthy balance between self-care and caring for others, between having an authentic, personal voice and staying connected, and between the need for solitude and the need for relationship. For example, after a day of caring for her two young children, the last thing a woman may want is sex with her partner. What she may really need is a quiet, solitary walk or to receive some thoughtful attention. How do we love others without losing ourselves?

  People differ in how much they enjoy connecting with others. Women seem to have a greater appetite for connection than men do. They also seem to like metta meditation more. I’ve even heard some men, but rarely a woman, say, “I hate metta!” Whether you’re male or female, try to know, accept, and trust your own personal tolerance for connection.

  During my clinical psychology internship back in 1981, I mentioned to my supervisor that I had a nightmare of people climbing through the windows of my apartment. She replied, “I think you need a vacation!” The same dream has recurred over the last 28 years whenever I need more privacy. Curiously, it happened again on a 7-day metta meditation retreat in which the participants never spoke to one another, nor did they even make eye contact. This taught me how “connected” loving-kindness meditation really is —how the head can get filled with relationships like in daily life. Taking the hint from my dream, I sought the solitude of self-metta and mindfulness practice until I was ready to “reconnect.”

  When Me? When Others?

  When you’re in pain, give yourself compassion first. Heal the healer. Sometimes a micro-moment of self-compassion is all it takes.

  Take the typical morning in an American family. Under time pressure to prepare the kids for school, Mom or Dad may not recognize his or her rising stress level and inadvertently blurt out something like “Why are you always so unhelpful, Sean?” When that happens, try to soften into the catastrophe of the moment. Think for a second, “Ah, stress” and then say, “May I be peaceful. May I be at ease. May we all be peaceful and at ease.” Even before you get up in the morning, start repeating the phrases. Then keep yourself in the picture by using the phrases whenever you need them.

  As mentioned earlier, what distinguishes compassion from loving-kindness is the presence of pain. Compassion is a kindly response to pain. You can practice compassion for your own pain, for the pain of others, or for the pain you feel when others are in pain. Just think how you feel when images of burning homes, disemboweled bodies, and malnourished children are beamed into your home on the television. The evening news is a great opportunity to practice metta. Stay mindful of your inner state (“This is painful to watch!”) and offer compassion to yourself and those on the screen (“May I be safe. May you be safe. May we all be safe and live in peace”). Try the same practice when you visit a friend at the hospital. Transforming your “worried attention” into “compassionate attention” through metta practice always comes as a welcome relief.

  The most natural time to practice loving-kindness toward others is when you’re genuinely happy—when you have loving energy to spare. It’s easy to wish happiness for others when we’re happy. You’ll feel even greater happiness when you do so, perhaps because you’re temporarily escaping the prison of your individuality by thinking of others. But timing is everything; when emotional resources are low, it’s still best to focus on yourself.

  Feeling shy or anxious in social situations, which everyone does from time to time, is another excellent opportunity to practice loving-kindness toward others. Why others at this time? A shy person is likely to be talking with an interesting person at a party and at the same time worrying whether he or she looks nervous. People feel abandoned when their conversation partners are self-absorbed. Ironically, it’s the disconnection from a listener, rather than anxiety itself, that makes shyness such a problem. To stay in connection despite feeling anxious, try loving-kindness. When you notice yourself absorbed in your own anxiety, look the other person in the eye and think, “May you and I be happy.” Practicing like this can help you feel less afraid on a job interview or a first date too.

  Metta for others can also be used to heal disconnection in old relationships. Are you tired of another person “taking space in your head without paying rent” (an Alcoholics Anonymous expression)? Healing old wounds requires that we offer compassion to both sides of the relationship.

  Helen had been divorced for 25 years and had never remarried. Her ex-husband, John, had an affair that broke up the marriage and he subsequently married that person. As Helen approached her 75th birthday, she decided she couldn’t carry her angry thoughts around any longer—she didn’t want to share her deathbed with bitterness. With this determination, Helen set about loosening the grip of her anger.

  Helen decided to revisit in her mind how traumatic the affair and divorce had been for her and her family so many years earlier. As she did this, she comforted herself with metta phrases: “May I be safe and may I find peace.” She practiced like this, over and over, for 9 months. Helen also forgave herself for her own part in the divorce: “May I forgive myself for everything I did to undermine our marriage.” She addressed John in a similar way: “May I forgive you for what you did, mostly out of confusion from a life riddled with loss and abandonment, that hurt me and our family.” As Helen gradually released her bitterness, her relationship with her ex-husband improved. When John died 6 years later, Helen attended the funeral and met his second wife, with very little anger remaining.

  It takes courage to heal an old, troubled relationship, but, like Hel
en, we first need to see how not addressing it can be more damaging. Loving our enemies is not a moral prescription—it’s just the best thing we can do for ourselves.

  Try using the metta phrases with old boyfriends and girlfriends, parents, difficult in-laws, siblings, ex-friends, neighbors, and other people in any relationship that creates tension inside. It’s easier than you think. If you feel ashamed of how you behaved in the relationship, make a special effort to recognize that emotional pain. Shame, guilt, and remorse are the trickiest emotions to identify because we’re continually dodging them inside. Remember that not a single emotion is outside the range of self-compassion. Bring kindness to yourself because of your difficult feelings. Thereafter, extend good will to the other half of the relationship.

  It requires special skill to work with traumatic relationships that may include physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. Most important, make sure you’re prepared—that you have the emotional resources for your journey and the necessary support of a therapist, friends, or family. Disturbing memories can overwhelm our best intentions. Will you know when your capacity for compassion is running low and you need either to refocus on yourself or to quit the practice altogether? You’re pushing it too hard if you find yourself unable to sleep, emotionally numb, having difficulty concentrating, or feeling unusually fearful and isolating yourself. Go slow and be safe.