The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

by Christopher K Germer

  There are also occasions when we need to take a tough attitude toward our emotions. That doesn’t mean denying them, but rather it means that certain circumstances—abuse, war, working as a paramedic—require that we focus exclusively on the task at hand until we can process our feelings later on. The challenges in our lives are too diverse to respond to self-compassion alone, but, in combination with other tools at our disposal, self-compassion can make life a whole lot easier. Ultimately, what makes our lives happier in the long run is the compassionate thing to do.

  It may sound strange, but I generally try to avoid the term “self-compassion” while counseling others because it creates a standard against which we all inevitably fail. Self-compassion isn’t a “thing” that we either have or don’t have. Instead, as a practitioner and as a therapist, I try to remain open to emotional pain and breathe kindness into it, one moment after the next.

  MEASURING YOUR PROGRESS

  Self-compassion is a long-term adventure. You’ll recognize changes in yourself almost immediately, but an underlying shift in attitude is a slow, incremental process. It’s best to take the long view—give yourself a lifetime to practice, but make sure you notice progress along the way. Haba na haba, hujaza kibaba (Swahili for “Little by little fills the pot”). Or, as my good friend and meditation teacher Trudy Goodman said, “Self-compassion is never fixed, never having arrived.”

  Self-Compassion Scale

  If you completed the Self-Compassion Scale when you read about it in Chapter 4, you can retest yourself now to see how you’re doing. See if your scores on self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness go up, and if your scores on self-judgment, isolation, and overidentification go down.

  Self-Compassion Journal

  One month is a sufficient period of time to discover the transformative power of self-compassion. Within 2 months, you’re likely to go through both the infatuation and the disillusionment phases. I often recommend to beginning practitioners that they keep a journal for at least 3 months to explore the vicissitudes of practice. Journaling is an opportunity to monitor habit change, to troubleshoot, and, most important, to notice new ways you might be responding to problems in your life. The simple act of writing also reinforces your commitment.

  Make your journal simple and easy to use. You can keep an open document in your computer, e-mail a daily entry to yourself, or just jot down notes on a pad kept in your purse or pocket. Record the subtle changes, such as the kindly words that might appear unexpectedly in your mind. If you’re not the writing type, make a mental note of changes or mention them to others who might be interested in your progress. A Self-Compassion Journal might look like this:

  Day 12

  Slept poorly last night and feeling edgy. sitting meditation for 20 minutes after coffee. Meditated to feel better, which didn’t work at all. When I just let myself feel crummy and say the phrases, I felt better. I continued the phrases on way to work, but then forgot the whole day. Super busy. will try again before I go to sleep.

  Day 13

  slept better last night, maybe because of the phrases? No time to meditate today. Consciously enjoyed the warm water in my shower, though. That was different. Since I didn’t meditate, I promised myself to say the phrases more often during the day. When my phone rang, I noticed on caller ID that it was the day care center. I said “safe, safe, safe” and then picked up the phone. A first! There was no problem, but I felt better anyway.

  Day 14

  Sat for 10 min this morning. It helped to envision that before I got out of bed. I’d prefer 20 min. Didn’t get past the breath part in 10 min. Helps to think beforehand that I’m sitting just to be with myself before a busy day and let everything be just as it is. It’s the only time of the day like that. usually I’m trying to accomplish something.

  The old car rattle started again on the way home. I mean, METTA!

  Day 15

  Woke up saying, “Don’t be afraid.” Haven’t got a clue where that came from. I’m hardcore! Mornings are getting a little less crazy, maybe because I’m going to bed earlier. It’s still a pain trying to get josh out the door. Maybe I’ll sing the metta phrases to him. It couldn’t hurt josh to grow up knowing this stuff.

  Keeping a journal is itself a contemplative practice and a self-compassion exercise. You’re honoring the preciousness of your own experience, even if it’s odd, funky, or confusing.

  If you’re having trouble getting started with journaling, try picking a specific problem, such as resentment toward a lazy colleague who gets all the credit at work, and document what you’re doing and how it’s going. Perhaps you started saying “May I love myself just as I am.” How is it going? Also, note when you forget to practice—the slippery slope back to old habits—and brainstorm how to support yourself.

  Avoid the trap of evaluating your progress while you’re meditating. You may or may not have a positive state of mind and still be making progress. While practicing, stick to the practice itself. That means that if you feel bad, deliver kindness to yourself. Or anchor your attention in your breath, or sit back and watch the inner drama in a generous, openhearted way. Stay engaged in the present moment, and don’t judge how it worked until you’re done.

  You can measure your progress by how you feel in your daily life. Are you feeling happier, more confident, less stressed? More important, are you responding with more and more good will toward yourself when things go wrong? When you banged your knee on the coffee table, did you say, “Ouch! That hurts! God love you!” or did you blurt out, “You clumsy jerk!” Are you trading self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption for self-kindness, a sense of your humanness, and the ability to let go? If so, make a note.

  BEGINNING ANEW

  “Are we there yet?”

  The path to happiness and well-being never ends. Just when we think we’ve arrived, a new challenge presents itself and we begin again. This book was written to help dissolve the illusion that we can better ourselves to the point where emotional pain is a thing of the past. A more fruitful path is to cultivate uncommon kindness— kindness toward ourselves—as long as we live and breathe. In the words of meditation teacher Pema Chödrön: “… we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is … not to try to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.”

  It could make all the difference in your life.

  APPENDIX A

  emotion words

  The following list of emotion words was compiled from an online search by computer linguist Steven DeRose. It attests to the subtlety and diversity of human emotional experience. The list can be used to find a label for almost any emotion you’re likely to have in daily life.

  This list, as well as the author’s sources, can also be found at www.derose.net/steve/resources/emotionwords/ewords.html. Reprinted by permission of Steven J. DeRose.

  PAIN/PLEASURE

  Angry

  acrimonious, angry, annoyed, appalled, bitter, boiling, cross, devastated, disgusted, enraged, frustrated, fuming, furious, hostile, in a huff, in a stew, incensed, indignant, inflamed, infuriated, irate, irritated, livid, mad, offended, outraged, piqued, provoked, rageful, resentful, sullen, up in arms, virulent, worked up, wrathful, wrought up

  Sad

  aching, afflicted, agonized, anguished, bereaved, blue, cheerless, clouded, crestfallen, crushed, dark, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, discontented, discouraged, disheartened, dismal, displeased, distressed, dolorous, down, downcast, downhearted, dreadful, dreary, dull, embarrassed, flat, frowning, funereal, gloomy, glum, griefstricken, grieved, guilt, hapless, heartbroken, heavyhearted, humiliated, hurt, ill at ease, in despair, in pain, in the dumps, injured, joyless, lonely, low-spirited, low, lugubrious, melancholy, moody, moping, mournful, offended, oppressed, out of sorts, pathetic, piteous, regretful, remorse, ru
eful, shamed, shocked, somber, sorrowful, spiritless, suffering, sulky, sullen, tortured, tragic, unhappy, woebegone, woeful, worried

  Happy

  airy, amused, animated, beatific, blissful, blithe, bright, brisk, buoyant, cheerful, cheery, comfortable, contented, convivial, debonair, ecstatic, elated, enthusiastic, excited, exhilarated, exultant, festive, free and easy, frisky, genial, glad, gleeful, great, high-spirited, hilarious, humorous, important, inspired, jaunty, jocular, jolly, jovial, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, lighthearted, lively, lucky, merry, mirthful, overjoyed, peaceful, playful, pleased, proud, rapturous, satisfied, saucy, self-satisfied, serene, sparkling, spirited, sprightly, sunny, terrific, thankful, tranquil, transported, vivacious

  Ecstatic

  delighted, fabulous, fantastic, overjoyed

  POWER/CONTROL/RESPONSIBILITY

  Irresistible

  aggressive, exuberant, immortal, indestructible, invincible, invulnerable, powerful, unstoppable

  Powerless

  bashful, blocked, defeated, discouraged, disorganized, exhausted, hopeless, irresponsible, overwhelmed, thwarted, worn down, worn out

  Out of Control

  careless, impotent, obligated, obliterated, powerless, reckless, vulnerable, weak

  Apathetic

  complacent, full of ennui, immobilized, lazy, lethargic, numb, passive, quiescent, unconcerned, unmotivated

  Adequate

  capable, competent, composed, confident, encouraged, excited, in control, organized, responsible

  ATTACHMENT

  Alone

  cut off, excluded, forsaken, isolated, left out, rejected, shut out, detached, lonely, lonesome, misunderstood

  Independent

  arrogant, autonomous, cocky, strong, macho

  Attached

  affectionate, belonging, captivated, cherished, compassionate, connected, empathetic, included, liked, loved, loving, understood

  Codependent

  addicted, insecure, needy, sympathetic

  Hated

  abandoned, chastised, criticized, deserted, discarded, forsaken, ignored, left out, let down, overlooked, rejected, replaced, unapproved of, unlovable, unloved

  Loved

  accepted, adored, adorable, approved of, desirable, entrusted, loved, validated, valued, welcomed

  SOCIAL STANDING

  Belittled

  chagrined, diminished, discredited, disgraced, insignificant, underestimated, unsupported

  Embarrassed

  ashamed, awkward, disparaged, guilty

  Average

  common, ordinary

  Esteemed

  admired, appreciated, respected, revered, significant, supported, valued, worshiped

  JUSTICE

  Cheated

  disparaged, victimized

  Singled Out

  affronted, categorized, guilty, judged, labeled, rated, stereotyped

  Justified

  absolved, acquitted, appeased, redeemed, satisfied, vindicated

  Entitled

  exempt, favored, immune, privileged

  FREEDOM

  Trapped

  imprisoned, optionless

  Burdened

  obligated, pressured, put upon, thwarted

  Free

  autonomous, independent, released, unshackled

  DIRECTION/FOCUS

  Derailed

  disjointed, disoriented, torn

  Lost

  baffled, bewildered, confused, unfocused

  Focused

  committed, complacent, determined, in the zone

  Obsessed

  compelled, consumed

  DESIRE/INTEREST

  Demoralized

  disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, disillusioned, disinclined, repulsed, stifled, thwarted

  Bored

  ambivalent, apathetic, complacent, full of ennui, indifferent, lackadaisical, unmotivated

  Attracted

  absorbed, affected, agog, full of anticipation, anxious, attracted, avid, challenged, concerned, confident, craving, curious, dedicated, desirous, eager, earnest, enchanted, engrossed, enthusiastic, excited, fascinated, fervent, fervid, hopeful, inquisitive, inspiring, intent, interested, intrigued, keen, motivated, needed, nosey, snoopy, zealous

  Lustful

  addicted, ardent, aroused, horny, hot and bothered, infatuated, lustful, needy, passionate, turned on, yearning

  SAFETY/SECURITY

  Fearful

  afraid, aghast, alarmed, anxious, appalled, apprehensive, awed, cautious, chicken, cowardly, defenseless, diffident, dismayed, doubtful, exposed, fainthearted, fearful, fidgety, frightened, hesitant, horrified, hysterical, in fear, insecure, irresolute, menaced, misgiving, nervous, panicked, petrified, phobic, quaking, restful, scared, shaky, shocked, suspicious, terrified, terrorized, timid, timorous, trembling, tremulous, upset, worried, yellow

  Anxious

  apprehensive, cautious, concerned, distrustful, doubtful, dubious, full of misgiving, hesitant, indecisive, pensive, perplexed, questioning, skeptical, suspicious, tense, unbelieving, uncertain, uncomfortable, wavering

  Fearless

  audacious, bold, brave, certain, confident, courageous, daring, dauntless, determined, encouraged, enterprising, gallant, hardy, heroic, reassured, resolute, secure, self-reliant, spirited, stout-hearted

  Safe

  at ease, calm, comfortable, composed, peaceful, secure

  Surprise

  astonished, bewildered, confused, shocked, startled, surprised

  MISCELLANEOUS

  active, afraid, agitated, animosity, antagonistic, artificial, astounded, aware

  bad, balanced, beautiful, blurry

  childish, clear, clever, competitive, complexity, conciliated, conspicuous, constrained, contemptuous, courteous, cruel, cynical

  deceitful, decisive, defiant, dependent, desperate, destructive, different, dim, disqualified, disregarded, dissatisfied, distracted, disturbed, divided, drained, droopy, dumb

  earthy, embittered, empty, energetic, enlightened, envious, evil, exasperated

  failure, fatigued, firm, flustered, fond, foolish, forgiving, fortunate, frank, frantic, friendly, frozen, fulfilled, full, futile

  generous, giddy, good, grateful, greedy, gullible

  harried, hasty, haughty, helpful, helpless, homesick, honored, horrible

  imposed upon, impressed, inadequate, incapable, incompetent, inconsiderate, ineffective, inferior, intense, intimidated, intricate, involved

  jealous, jumpy

  kind

  lenient, longing, lovable

  mature, mean, meditative, methodical, miserable, misery, mocked, murderous

  natural, naughty, nice

  obnoxious, odd, optimistic, out of place

  pained, patient, perturbed, pessimistic, pitied, pleasant, posing, possessive, pretty, pushy, put down, puzzled

  relaxed, relieved, respected, responsive, restless, restrained, revengeful, rewarded, ridiculous, right, routine

  skeptical, scornful, self-confident, self-doubt, servile, sharp, shy, sick, silly, sincerity, sleepy, slumber, smart, sneaky, solemn, spiteful, stable, stingy, strange, stressed, stubborn, stunned, stupid, successful, suicidal, superior, sure talkative, tempted, tenacious, tender, tentative, terrible, tired, tolerant, troubled, trusted

  ugly, unaware, undecided, undeserving, undesirable, uneasy, unequaled, unfair, unfulfilled, unified, unmatched, unsettled, unsupported, unstable, unsure, unwanted, unworthy, uptight, useless

  vehement, vigilant, vile, violent, vitriolic

  weary, whimsical, wicked, wiped out, wonderful, worthless, worthy

  APPENDIX B

  additional self-compassion exercises

  A self-compassion exercise is any practice that enhances good will toward ourselves when we suffer. Loving-kindness (metta) meditation has been emphasized in this book because it changes the inner dialogue that has a large impact on how we feel. Other pathways to self-compassion were mentioned in Chapter 5,
and more can be found in the books and audio materials listed in Appendix C. The additional practices described below were selected due to their unique nature or broad appeal.