Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  “No Sadey, I don’t need to talk to Shame before he leaves. There’s nothing to say. He’s not the same person to me anymore. I’m sorry if this hurts you, honey. It’s just that Shame didn’t trust me enough to even talk to me about what he was feeling before he called us through in front of everyone in the Club. Bad enough this happened, but I didn’t even get the courtesy of him doing it between us, in a private moment. He may as well have fucking shot me in the heart, Sade. I’m so wounded and overcome with this grief. I know its only day one after hell, but I also know myself enough to realize that this hurt is already a scar. It will always be there. How can I ever trust him with anything ever again, including my friendship? I can’t take any more risk with Shame, I gave him my heart and he gave it back to me after he broke it because obviously he didn’t want it.”

  The irony isn’t lost on me that last night Sadey and I sat in the same house though apart from each other, alone in our own rooms, crying over our men and woke up this morning with two completely different perspectives.

  “I do need to finish getting ready, if I’m walking into the Club and saying goodbye to Hem before he leaves, then I’m gonna fix up this hot mess look I have going on the best that I can.” She giggles a bit then heads out of sight leaving me to suffer in my own silence.

  Shit.

  *****

  The club is quiet as Sadey and I make our way inside. I’m nervous as hell right now with fear of seeing Shame. My chest is tight and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack right here in the middle of the room, full of witnesses. I’m sure some of these witnesses would understand being that they probably heard first-hand what happened last night between Shame and I.

  “Mace, there’s Gunner. I’m going to ask him if he knows where Hem is, you don’t look so good and the sooner we get out of here the better.” Sadey has her own set of issues but of course she’s worried about me.

  “Sadey. Mace.” Gunner greets us quietly. He’s nervous too. I’m wondering if something happened to him last night after I left. Surely not, we were just talking. Brushing that thought away I start to relax and look around to be sure, for the hundredth time that Shame isn’t here. He’s not.

  “He’s out for the day so you can chill. He went to talk to one of the independent riders that has some information about the Angels that we need before heading out. He also went alone so I suppose he felt it was safe.”

  Damn mind reader. “Doesn’t matter, I’m just here to get my stuff and talk to Hem, thanks though. I do feel better knowing I don’t have to worry about running into him today. Are you okay? Did anything else happen last night after I left?” I let out a breath of air.

  “Nah, got pretty quiet around here after Hem told everyone the party was over. Last I saw of him he was drowning himself in his whiskey. No one saw Shame after, well you know. I’m sorry that happened. That was the last thing any of us were expecting Shame to do after what had already went down. Everyone is so uncertain right now.” He keeps his eyes on me, so full of pity.

  “Gunner, have you seen Hem? Despite last night, we still need to wish him well on his ride south.” Sadey’s cool and calm demeanor rubs off on Gunner and he relaxes his guarded composure.

  “Yep, think he’s out in back. He was on his cell phone when I saw him step out a few minutes ago. You really want to talk to him Sade, then please wait for him to come back. I would prefer you not go out to him alone, after last night he’s been even more difficult to deal with. All the brothers are staying clear for fear of a striking him up again.”

  He frowns because he knows what happened to Ace now, everyone does because Ace never came back last night. “Hem has warned everyone that right now Ace isn’t welcome here, he hasn’t been exiled from the brotherhood yet but doesn’t stop Hem from making a statement to the rest of us.”

  He looks at Sadey to make sure he didn’t hurt her with his words, she already blames herself, even though she did nothing wrong. She’s alright, thank goodness.

  “I’m in kind of a rush, I don’t want to be here either so I will go get him and see if he has a minute, promise I will be right back and won’t leave your sight.”

  She doesn’t wait for Gunners reply, she just turns on her heel and heads for the back door. Both Gunner and I hold our breath until she turns back and give us the thumbs up in okay.

  “He’s looks alright, mostly like shit but alright. He said to give him just a second. He’s out there talking to Honor.” No way can he be alright. I’m not sure he even knows about Shame and I yet, if Shame never came back then there is a good chance I may have to explain that to him before he leaves. If I can find a way around that I will, he can’t go on a long dangerous ride and be worried about things back here. I won’t let Hem leave me here while we are at odds either. I give Sadey credit for her positive outlook, she actually thinks Hem is doing alright, it is better to let her think that.

  I hear Hem coming to us before I see him. I’m so scared to even turn around. Then I feel him grab my back and put me into one of his Hem bear hugs. I’m still scared but not of Hem, more because I know I’m here to talk to him about this week and what he is doing is dangerous. I turn around him his arms and he crushes me harder to him. He’s scared too and this does nothing to soothe my nerves.

  “Hi ya, buddy.” He whispers but that’s all he says as he lets me go. “Can we talk a minute, alone?” He can see my hesitation so he continues. “Sis, I just need a few words, I promise to say what needs said then you can go. I’m not a fool who believes you want to talk to me right now but this is important, to everyone.”

  Looking at his exhausted state, I nod. Then he turns to my friend, “Sadey, hang tight and I will be back in a few minutes. I’m serious, stay here and don’t wonder.” There is no emotion in his voice as he talks to her, it sounds almost mechanical.

  We walk to the front of the house, I need air so I lead him out the front door and onto the concrete drive. Very few bikes are here, he must have really scared off the crew last night and they have yet to come back today. Can’t imagine that bikers scare easy, but they sure aren’t here to comfort him. “Hem, I do have some things I want to say...” He stops be by holding up his hand near his face and shaking his head back and forth.

  “No Mace, not now. I have a whole lot of bullshit headed my way. Whatever is brewing with the Angels is big, really fucking big.”

  “Then maybe you should tell me at least a little of what his going on so I can be somewhat prepared. Shit has never been this bad, Hem.” I look at him with raised eyebrows hoping he decides to share something with me.

  Rolling his eyes and giving me a heavy sigh, he continues. “We have got to find Switch, and fucking fast. There is talk among all the Clubs within our general area that Angels are in process of changing Presidents and shifting positions. This is a fucking problem, Mace. I need you to know a few things before I go tomorrow because I trust you and since you’re here I assume you also want to talk to me about how I am fucking everything up, am I right?”

  I just nod because when Hem has something to say, it’s best to just let him have the floor. “I can’t love her, Mace. I do love her, but I can’t love her. She doesn’t belong here with me. She never has. Shit, she’s just a kid and God knows I will hurt her. I fuck everything up, when have you known me not to? I mean, look around us. Look at my life. I’m literally headed out of town tomorrow to chase a killer, Mace. Willingly getting on my bike to drive across the country putting myself, Shame, and other brothers in danger.”

  He pauses because he’s getting choked up. “I love you, Mace. Before I go I want you to know that. I tried to protect you from this fucked up world, I really did. Then you had to go and surrender yourself to Shame, fuckin’ hell if I knew how to change that. I never knew how avoid it because you were made for him, I could never change that. What you saw last night, I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to Sadey. That’s what made me finally realize I’m not good enough for her. I can’t
focus on her right now, I don’t know that I will ever be able to love her the way she deserves and....”

  “Enough! Fuckin’ enough! Dammit Hem!” I’m beyond pissed! “You decide this now before you drive off to God knows where? Seriously? You have led this fucking life for years, Hem. For fucking years you have been this person. Now you want to change your fucking mind? Are you shitting me with this because I want to act like I didn’t just fucking hear what you just said! That beautiful woman loves you with her whole heart, that’s the only way she know how to love. It’s a gift Hem, that woman is a fucking gift and you’re Goddamn idiot. She just wants you to talk to her, Hem. Jesus, you have lost your damn mind? You are a fool. Would you like to see her end up with someone like Ace? Because honestly there are plenty….”

  “Shut your fucking mouth, Mace. Sister that is enough!” Good! Got his attention, now in for the kill.

  I continue because he needs to hear this. I go for a swifter and softer tone though in hopes to get him to continue to listen. I lean in and grab his cheek with the palm of my hand, “Because Hem, just because she’s not with you doesn’t mean she won’t end up with a brother. You may be able to stop her from seeing someone here in your Club, or you may not, but there are many other Clubs out there. You and I both know that no one will take care of her like you do. She’s the way she is because she waited for you. She gave herself to you during a dance while you held her with all the gentleness that you have. The woman has never once in her life, asked you to give her anymore of yourself then you were willing to give her. That’s what love is. She has only taken what you have offered and to her, it’s enough. Recognize that before you lose it. She is yours whether you want her or not. I don’t say this because she’s my best friend but because you two belong together Hem, you make sense together. When our whole world turns to shit, as long as we have those people that make the world right again, make it worth fighting for, we are always able endure, right? Hem, I love you so damn much, but fuck if you don’t seriously relish on some self-inflicted pain. I don’t accept your words concerning this, I can’t. I want you to take time on that open road and think about all this. When you come back, if you still aren’t sure about what to do then I want you to talk Sadey, not me. She has an opinion in this, this is her relationship too and you can’t just take it all away without discussing this with her. You owe her at least that much, don’t take away her power in this, please.” I’m begging Hem almost on my behalf because now this is hitting a little too close to the heart and my composure is failing.

  “Like Shame did to you.” He mumbles as he puts his head down. God Hem, you’re so fucking smart and I love you for not making me spell this shit out.

  “Yes, like Shame has done to me. Now go, say hello to her Hem and put all those dark thoughts away for now, okay? Don’t make your decision today, after what happened is so close to the surface. Life changes far too quick so grab onto what is good for us with both hands. Love you big brother, will see you tomorrow morning for sendoff.” With that I grab him and we hug tightly.

  “Are you guys about done?” Sadey sheepishly tries to interrupt not knowing Hem’s mood. “Sorry Mace, but Gunner just talked to Shame and he’s headed back, as in he’s almost here, so you need to get your stuff so we can go, like fast.” Sadey stands now staring at Hem. She looks so afraid of the heartbreak she senses coming. I hope he does the right thing and waits until he comes back, if anything it would give her the peace she needs while he’s gone.

  I lean to Hem for one more reassuring hug before I leave him alone with Sadey. I whisper in his ear, like I’m trying to talk to his subconscious, “Hem, you’re my favorite person, please take what I said to heart. Think about what you are doing before you do it. You’re such a good soul with a big ole heart that beats for that girl. Do all you can to keep her, fight for her Hem. She’s here and alive and fighting for you, so fight back to keep her. I love your face, brother.” With that I wink at him in jest and walk into the house and run up the stairs to get my things before Shame gets back and I can no longer function.

  After finding his room unlocked, I gather my things and take one quick look around. Looks like I have everything I need, other than my heart but I left that with him like I knew I would when this happened. The inevitable, it sucks ass even when we knew it was coming.

  Kegs and Honor are sitting at a table when I come back down. Kegs gives me a sheepish smile. “Hey there, Mace. You alright today?”

  “Yep.” I nod as well say the word. I do not want to talk about this, not here and definitely not with witnesses that saw firsthand what Shame was capable of doing to me. I know it makes him the ass, but I don’t want or need anyone else’s opinion.

  “I’m sorry what happened yesterday, I want you to know that. He does love you though, he has a fool’s way of showing it but that man is yours.” She holds her chin up and looks directly at me, wondering how I’m going to react to her telling me Shame is mine. Were these people even here last night? They witnessed him putting an end to us and this makes him back on the market. These women should be jumping for joy.

  “Thanks but please stop. I’m literally walking the haywire of emotion right now and if that wire breaks and I hit bottom well, I just can’t do it here. I appreciate your attempted words of comfort though.”

  “I understand, but I am sorry. Both Cherry and I both felt bad last night after he left with them. Shame has never been exactly nice to the Club girls, but even for him he was in vicious form last night.” She gets up from the table. “I need to go help Cherry start some dinner for the boys. Maybe see you next week, Mace? If you need anything, even if just an ear from a Club fool honey, I’m here.”

  “Thanks Kegs, that means something to me.”

  “April. My name is April, that’s what my friends call me. You need to call me April now, please?” She smiles and walks away.

  I look to Honor who is rolling a damp napkin against the table, tearing a piece then rolling it, again and again he does this. He looks terribly lost in thought and so alone. I’m sure last night shook him up as well. He went from putting holes in people for decoration, to witnessing the aftermath of Ace being torn apart.

  “Hey, you okay Honor?”

  “I’m fine I’m kind of nervous about tomorrow, ya know? They have asked that I go with them because I’m good with my gun. Just because I’m quick with my gun, doesn’t mean I’m not really nervous. That make me some sort of feathered covered animal, ya think?” He stops rolling the napkin and looks at me. He’s so young and now he’s scared. I’m noticing when he is scared and talking so quiet that his accent deepens, making it even harder to understand him.

  “Honor, my brother is actually known for taking care of his prospects, both new and seasoned. He can be a bastard that goes without saying.” I smile and so does he. “But he will put your safety before his own and if you can bet on something during this, bet on that.” I slap his shoulder and give it a reassuring squeeze in comfort for him as I stand up to leave.

  “You're a good boy, ya know that? Hang in there and it will be okay. Hem will make sure of that. He has protected me all his life, he has that way about him.” I start to walk away and hear Honor again so I turn back.

  “Hey Mace wait, I was going to ask you and I guess I’m not really sure if you would even know but ummm do you think Kegs is seeing anyone?” Oh Jesus, not this and definitely not now!

  “Make you a deal. You come back unharmed and the same person that you are as when you leave here tomorrow, then you and I will talk about Kegs, okay?” Again he smiles at me.

  Whew these young ones are killing me! Ace, Peyton, and now Honor. Shit my baby ducks are lining up behind me.

  “Get some rest for tomorrow, it’s a long ride to Texas and the chill won’t go easy on you. Sadey and I will be by in the morning before you head out. See you then, little brother.”

  “Bye Mace, till tomorrow then.” He says with that heavy accent as he smiles. So cute!


  I turn quickly and then start cursing under my breath, I pause as soon as I meet those silver blues, its Shame. How is it that I couldn’t catch just one break today?

  He looks like shit but his mask is just as indifferent as when he looked at me last night. Damn it! I wanted to get out of here just five minutes ago to avoid this. Oh but of course not!

  Shame walks to me immediately like he has done so many times. He breaks stride in front of me and then just searches my body. My face, neck, shoulders, then back up to my face. He’s done this all of my life, but it has never been him as the one who hurt me. I know he’s waiting for me to say those fucking words to him. I wait a few seconds and realize that he’s leaving tomorrow and even though he has wrecked me, I need to give him as much peace while he’s on the road as I can.

  “I’m okay Shame. I’m fine.” It goes unsaid between us that this was exactly what he needed to hear from me. His face doesn’t change form, just remains indifferent and looks through me. Then he just steps around me and walks away, up the stairs probably heading towards his room to pack or bed yet another whore.

  Fuck, this hurts.

  Chapter Twelve:

  “My hearts broken,' he thought, 'If I feel this way my heart must be broken.”

  --Ernest Hemingway

  It’s Friday, the boys have been gone almost two weeks, as far as I know they are safe. I get texts from Honor, I know they are directed by Hem. Hem is in the zone, he can’t focus on anything else when he’s working so he’s had Honor keep me posted and so far, they are all okay. I’ve got to admit that I am thankful that Honor is texting and not one of the other boys. Aside from the obvious that I’m comfortable with Honor, like him even, the kid texts using full words and messages and it’s also handy he’s around because he keeps his phone on him at all times.

  After seeing Hem, Shame, and my newly adopted little duck Honor pull out for the road that Sunday without knowing when they are coming back and if they are coming back safely, I feel like I’ve been walking in a daze. I’ve known of past rides and the danger that accompanies them.