Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  “WHAT? That’s hardly appropriate for a ‘get to know you’ question and I won’t answer. Keep these questions a bit more ‘vanilla’ please.” I laugh out loud now and it isn’t a pretty or girly laugh, I think I even just heard myself snort. He should have made up some type of ice cream flavor because I am going to have some fun with this for some time to come.

  I’m still laughing when all of a sudden I’m yanked and seems I didn’t even see this coming, Shame has flipped me to my back and is on top of me. He’s hard and I can tell because he’s pressing his hips into me. I can feel his piercing at my opening through the thin material of his boxers. Unsure why my body just reacts this way to him but he met no resistance in getting his large frame in between my legs. I’ve stopped laughing and now I’m looking up at him, face to face, into this beautiful blue eyes.

  “Nothing funny now is there babe? You have any more quips, jokes, or teases right now? Cause in about one minute beautiful, I’m not going to be in any mood to laugh.” Oh my god I’m so done talking.

  “Give me a minute, I will think of something… Hold on... Be still. Let me get it all out now.” He is staring at me as I’m saying this and he looks hungry, for me.

  I’m stalling and I have no idea why. I know he’s about to have me because I’ve seen that predatory look before so me talking isn’t going to divert his intentions at all. Let’s be honest, I have no intentions in getting in his way of having me either.

  “You done?” His head tilted with a smirk on his face and he’s still planted right at my core and I can feel him twitching in anticipation.

  “Yep, I think I’m do...” Before I get the last word out, he’s already entering me and he’s pushing in me hard. I’m filled. All distractions from this horrible month has faded because I’m here with him and we are sharing ourselves again.

  “Fuck I miss you, Mace. I miss your face, baby. Can you feel me? God you feel so fucking good right now.” His breathing has increased and it just spurs me on so I move my hips to meet his and the combination is sending us both into the abyss. I’m clinging to his back so tight that he’s moving us both off the bed as he continues to move inside me, in and out.

  “I miss you Shame, so much. Please give me all of you. Everything, right here.”

  He stops. Literally stops moving and nudges me off him to move me back down to the bed under him. “You have all of me, Mace. There is nothing else for me to give you. My heart is yours, always.”

  He moves his hands to my face and squeezes gently around my jaw trying to keep my attention on him and doesn’t allow me to turn my head away. He starts to move again, slower this time.

  “Do you want me, Mace? Or are you better without me? Did you think of me as much as I thought of you when we were apart? It nearly kills me when I’m not near you. God, I miss you so so much.”

  His rhythm is staggering now and I can see he’s close to climax. I’m ready to feel him explode in me so I close my eyes and shake my head out of his grasp and push him up a bit so I get a view of his chest. Then lifting my head a bit, I take his nipple into my mouth and bite down, marking him mine again. As always though, Shame knows what I’m doing and he gives it to me without question then he moves his hands under me, tilts up and drives us home.

  Colors change, words are screamed incoherently, and our bodies are slamming together. Everything around us is so blurry all I can see clearly is him. He’s stopped inside me and he puts his face in my neck and keeps steady breaths in time with mine.

  “Yes Shame. I love you, I miss you. Maybe we should get cleaned up and dressed before we finish this conversation.”

  “Why? You planning on going somewhere? No. We talk like this, wide-open. Finish your negotiation.” God he’s right. I’m about to make a negotiation and he called me on it.

  “I can’t do this again with us, so we are either all in or pull your ante off the table now. You’re not going to hurt me again. If you do, if you hurt me intentionally again, you will never see my face or hear my voice again, ever.”

  My voice is cracking because I can’t imagine never seeing him again but the mind is there to protect the body and my heart couldn’t survive this with him again.

  “Then ante the fuck up, beautiful. I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. We’re in.”

  “Okay”

  “Okay and Mace?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry I hurt you. I will always be sorry for that mistake. I know you can’t forgive me, I would be suspicious of you if you did but you should know that I’m so fucking sorry. You are everything to me, Sweetheart.”

  I don’t say anything to that but overall that was easier than I had thought it would be. Maybe today will be a better day, I haven’t had a good day in what feels like a long damn time.

  I squiggle to get out from under him but he doesn’t budge, at all. I have no hope to overpower him so I look at him and give him a stare that tells him I want to get up. No luck.

  “Oh no. Nope. This isn’t a ‘Mace gets her say and Shame is going to listen’ Sorry there Sweetheart, but I have the floor now. Negotiations have yet to be completed.” I hadn’t even thought that maybe he had something to say after my rant. This makes me a selfish bitch so I instantly soften my look to encourage him to talk by lifting my eyebrows, giving him my full attention.

  “When you left me there at the club that night, I really thought I was dead. My heart stopped in my chest and I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. If that’s not a living death baby, I don’t know what is.” His thumbs caress my cheeks as he’s lost in thought. “I couldn’t even get up off the ground until Hem and Sadey found me there an hour later. I know you said you can’t go through that again, but that goes for me too. I won’t do this again. My heart can’t take it and right now I’m scared as fuck to risk this, putting myself out there for you, for us, again. You’re worth it to me though. I had told you before I was going to ruin this, I’m not now. This is us and we are together and this will work. I love your face, baby.”

  He kisses me slow and sweet, my private Shame that no one else gets to see. “I love you.” I say against his skin of his neck. “I’m going love you forever.”, and I mean that.

  He moves to the side so I can climb out. I need a shower.

  “Mace.”

  I’m on my way out of the bedroom but not before his haunted voice stops me. Turning around, I’m standing at the door with only my robe in my hands in front of me. I can see him hesitating. He is having an internal battle on what he’s about to say, but I am patient. This is big. I’m recognizing it while I wait for him to talk. Finally he says it and I will etch this in my memory forever.

  “Mace, I love you. My whole life in one way or another, I’ve always loved you. You’re my girl now. You and I are going to grow old together.” I stare into his eyes and I’m starting to choke on the lump in my throat. He doesn’t give me a chance to respond before he continues. “You should start agreeing on that idea soon because it may take some time for you to come to terms with it, but for right now baby, know that I love you. Before you leave this room and before we continue our story, if you know nothing else that is certain you should just know that.”

  Oh my God! He is that romantic guy I’m always complaining I don’t have. I know this was monumental for him, he’s never told anyone he actually loves them. He hides, always talking to me through action but right now, he’s absolutely raw.

  I drop my robe where I stand and run to him on the bed, he’s still laying down with his head propped on his pillow and arm. Our eyes never lose contact as I take the sheet from his body and I jump on top of him, covering him completely with my body. I give him the longest and sweetest kiss through the tears that are now tumbling down my face.

  *****

  After shower sex and breakfast at the house we head back to the hospital to see my newly pregnant friend. I’m hoping she can come home this morning. I really am not excited on spending another day in that sick
bed room. She’s not sick, she’s pregnant and she needs to come home and be able to think clearly without being around all that is reminding her of this change in her life. I can’t tell Shame her news, even though he and I are together I know that as kids it was us, a package deal, all four of us and if I tell him he will feel the need to tell Hem. I can’t risk that. Bad enough that Hem doesn’t know his good news, but hearing it from Shame would piss him off, rightly so. Ace and I promised her four weeks and right now her clock has three weeks and six days left before it expires.

  Arriving at the hospital we see the line of three bikes and already know she has visitors. Of course Hem is here, he probably hasn’t left her side once. I can see Ace’s bike, and now I’m hoping no one is physically hurt. I think Ace will keep it held in for Sadey but not so sure about Hem. He never thinks before he acts so it’s a coin toss if blood will be shed or not. Also, I see Honors bike. One of my little ducks coming to check on one of our own. We park next to the others and head inside.

  “What the hell is wrong with her? Mace, I know you have to know something because I’m sure you two share a brain half the time, neither one of you can handle a thought or idea without the other so tell me what the fuck is going on.” This is Hem, meeting Shame and I in the hall outside of Sadey’s door.

  “Hello there, brother. Good to see you too. Yes, I’ve had a shit week but thanks for checking to be sure I’m alright. Damn, Hem. If I knew something was seriously wrong I would have either A.) Told you already when I texted you and Shame or B.) Been here much earlier and explained what was going on. Give me some credit here. Thanks for jumping my ass though, cause I had that on my to do list, check!”

  God I hate lying to him. I know my brother and he can smell that out but his rugged composure weakens and he grabs me into his arms for a hug. His grip on me is tight, he feels bad now and he’s probably also suffering from exhaustion as well. I’m sure Ace being here isn’t helping his nerves.

  “I’m sorry, I am just out of myself right now. She’s in there and all she can say is that she is ‘fine’ and she wants to go home. I’m out of my mind with worry and the only thing that good for nothing doctor can tell me is that Sadey has irregular blood pressure, which really doesn’t tell me fuckin’ nothing.” Guess the wise ole doctor has finally wised up and stopped telling others Sadey’s news.

  “Let me go in and check it out, if I sense something is off I will talk to her and let you know. How about you two go and get us some coffees so I don’t want to hurt someone, namely you, okay?”

  He shrugs then Shame leans down giving me a chaste kiss on the lips. I quickly glance at Hem and he is smiling ear to ear, teeth and all. Jackass thinks he knows everything. Fine, whatever. I’ve got bigger issues right now and the woman behind door number one is making my brother crazy.

  Walking in her room I see all of her people around her bed chatting. Ace, Honor and April have her flanked. Immediately when I enter Ace moves from her side to give me room to get to her. I hug her and give her a reassuring knowing smile.

  “No one can find Cherry, Mace. We are worried. Kegs went to her house and no one answered. The door was locked so she didn’t go in. Her car was in driveway. Do you know where she went?” Like Sadey needs more worry? These people seriously didn’t come here just to worry her, I get that but damn if I didn’t wish for people to think shit through.

  “No honey, I don’t know. I’ve been with you and home and that’s all. Are you getting out of here soon?”

  “She is, but the doc said she needs to be with someone at all times and she’s refusing to stay in Hems room at the Club, help us out here Mace, she needs to be watched.” Ace is frazzled. Honor gives me nod as if asking me to calm Ace and talk to Sadey. Who does he think I am? Damn.

  “Sadey, I can probably take off work this week but I don’t know about next week. Until we know how your blood pressure will affect you then maybe next week you really should stay at the Club. The brothers and April will be there to take care of you.”

  “Mace, whose April? She new? I don’t know her yet and I do not want some stranger taking care of me. I want to go home!” Stressing, she’s not even out of hospital and she’s already stressing.

  “I’m April”, Kegs says to a confused Sadey.

  “Oh, guess I never really even knew your name, did I?” Confusion doesn’t suit Sadey right now, but she’s buried in it.

  “Ok fine. I will stay there next week but not now please. I want to go home and shower and be with my stuff.” Her stuff, really? Oh geez, I’m hoping this is not a preview to the next eight or so months. Dang, I cannot wait to be able to talk to people about her while she’s growing and becoming an emotional windbag.

  Ace sighs in relief and I smile and wink at him so he knows I’ve got this. Just as I’m about to walk out to find my cup of coffee and the two hoodwinks that promised it to me, in walks Derek and Peyton. Well then, gangs all here!

  Chapter Fifteen:

  “I could feel it coming just like a tide... I just want to destroy them. But when you start taking pleasure in it you are awfully close to the thing you're fighting.”

  --Ernest Hemingway

  Cherry has been gone a full week now. No one has a clue where she took off to. I’m beginning to wonder if I should start looking for her parents, but I have no idea where to start. She’s never talked about them but I know she’s got family back in Nevada. I have heard her talk about her past in passing and how she had attended college for a year and like to write short stories.

  She doesn’t talk to me much so I have never pried into her life by asking personal questions. April is worried, she knows more about Cherry than any of us and she swears that she would never have just left her friends here without saying goodbye. I’m uncertain how many friends she has here in town, most of her companions come in male form and aren’t so much friends as, well… ‘mates’. Maybe I will ask April where her parents are, if they care to know their daughter is missing and her friends are worried. She’s not an actual member of the Club so Hem won’t deploy the brothers to a full search to include calling in favors from other Clubs, especially when she could have just thought ‘screw it’ and left, no pun intended.

  Shame and Hem are gone again, this time just a three day ride for business. Hem has given Sadey explicit instructions that she’s to stay at the Club until he returns. I’m working during the day at the library but I come here in the evenings to check on her and give her some company. If I’m being honest, I’m also here to check on Ace too. If he’s alone with Sadey too long, who knows what will come out of his mouth. Generally people do not have a brain to mouth filter, well when Ace is around his ‘Sadey Bug’ he doesn’t have a heart to mouth filter. This would be completely romantic and endearing if he didn’t have a 250 pound, angry, tattooed, giant of a man just waiting for him to make another slip and say something to or about his woman. I wish he would find someone else to love because this man has so much to give and if I’m being selfish, his unreturned love for her really is starting to depress the hell out of me.

  Sadey is staying at the Club per Hem’s instruction though. She has been feeling fine since being released, as far as blood pressure anyway. Her baby doctor told her that morning sickness would be starting sooner than later so she may want to inform her baby daddy of this so he understands what he’s about to see happen to her. Of course, in Sadey manner, she refused and told the doctor that I said that she had three more weeks and if that means she’s going to be in hiding with a puke bucket and hair ties then so be it. Her words there, not mine.

  She hasn’t started the vomiting yet phase yet, maybe she won’t. She told me a few times that she has felt sick in the evenings and only when she gets too tired. Hem hasn’t noticed anything different about her. He’s been up to his ears in Club business as has Shame. When he’s not up to his ears in Club business he’s up to Sadey’s ears driving her insane. I can’t wait until she just tells the man he’s going to be a daddy. I’m alr
eady certain he will go from being only overly protective to downright stupid in his actions to keep her, as the baby warmer, safe and cared for. Good luck with that Sadey girl, once you throw a child into this dynamic I can no longer help you with settling Hem.

  Since the boys won’t be back until tomorrow I’m going to take Sadey to an early dinner to get her out of the Club. She needs a break and she has earned some time off for her good behavior. Her blood pressure is normal and she looks good, so as far as Hem is concerned she is back to healthy. However, the man is intuitive, it goes along with his soft and poetic nature so he senses something is off and that’s why she remains under his thumb or I guess other appendages that I’m not going to think about my brother using. I already know that she wants to have a drink. She’s told me every single day about how she won’t get a margarita for eight more months. Although I don’t have kids, I’m not blind to the fact that after your child is born you do not have time to sit around chatting with girlfriends and drinking margaritas because you are too busy changing diapers, burping, feeding, and just being a full time mother and I haven’t broken it to her that eight months is just the beginning!

  Sadey’s parents have sheltered her all her life. She was the only child to an architect and a stay at home mother. She knows nothing of trying to work and raise a child. Her mother was very picky about what Sadey wore, how she acted, what schools she went to, etc. Sadey just wanted to be a little girl that played outside or with her Barbie’s, but her mom insisted in her always staying clean and acting like a young lady.

  Her dad was constantly on her about her grades, being responsible and never letting an opportunity slip by, whether that be to travel or learn something new. She used to tell me that when she was at home her life was dark, she couldn’t breathe, always feeling suffocated. She said she looked forward to coming to see Hem and I because at our house our parents were basically ghosts with dad always working and mom napping. Hem and I would know when Sadey was about to crack because she would come over and be dressed completely punked out and this was when we were as young as seven and right before Hem moved out.