The Saga of Tanya the Evil, Vol. 7: Ut Sementem Feceris, ita Metes

by Carlo Zen

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re saying there are emblems there even though there aren’t?”

  Yes, Operation Never in a Million Years Did I Think That. It’s the defense most recommended by seasoned lawyers from the lawsuit superpower.

  The trick is to neither confirm nor deny while not refusing to testify, either.

  “Are you saying there aren’t?”

  Maintaining a blank expression and tone, Tanya replies simply. “Please consider that they haven’t displayed any emblems. I can’t fully rule out the most extreme possibilities, but if there aren’t any displayed, then we need to wonder what their motive is for not displaying them.”

  “In other words?”

  “Even if there are religious personnel present…I think it’s very likely Federation soldiers are garrisoned there. Either way, my troops are more important to me, so I’m of the opinion that we should eliminate the position. Oh.” She politely adds one more thing. “And regarding your visual confirmation…did you see any emblems?”

  “…No, but…”

  “Thank you for your assistance. Ah, it’s almost time to go. I guess I got caught up in that discussion… But all right, I’ll take the liberty of returning to my military duties now.”

  Watching Lieutenant Colonel von Degurechaff go, Colonel Calandro wandered outside the command post in a daze.

  What he saw through the binoculars clenched in his hands was a Federation residential area somewhere between a village and a town. As he was trained to do, he had scanned the area, and when he saw all the imperial units in position, he still had the feeling this was unacceptable.

  “…What’s going on?”

  This wasn’t the Middle Ages. Invading the streets. Encirclements. Civilians would probably get caught in the crossfire… But the even more basic question was: Is this what armies are for?

  “What are the Imperial and Federation armies thinking?”

  He seemed to recall reading in some report that attacking cities was becoming accepted as normal. But seeing it before his eyes…it was beyond his understanding.

  “This is absolute madness.”

  He didn’t notice the imperial officers hesitating at all.

  Not just Degurechaff. Everyone was waiting for the agreed time with their barrels pointed at a residential area.

  “Are these scenarios really just going to repeat forever? Does morality fall silent before raison d’état? How many corpses need to be piled up for this to end?”

  When leading an attack, commanders are compelled to be unusually tense. Everyone hopes to defeat the enemy without any losses, but obviously, wishes don’t always come true.

  And it’s only natural for Tanya to worry, since even though it’s listed officially as the Lergen Kampfgruppe, if the Salamander Kampfgruppe crumbles, it’s she who will be held accountable.

  Is it really my job to create a combat plan with the heartfelt hope that it doesn’t contain any flaws, get saddled with the baggage that is Colonel Calandro, and then earnestly cross my fingers that Being X doesn’t show up to get in the way?

  I’m truly hard-pressed to call this waiting period “pleasant.” Even if it seems like the one in charge is simply kicking back, the truth is that my job is to battle the stress weighing on my digestive tract.

  Please, Tanya thinks as she opens her mouth to speak. “Damage report!”

  “Very few casualties, ma’am!”

  How grateful she is to hear that from her adjutant, who has tabulated all the losses from each unit!

  “Nice work!”

  There is nothing that reduces stress so much as being told that you were worried for nothing. She heaves a relieved sigh with a giant smile on her face.

  “We’re currently mopping up the end of the enemies and rebuilding the lines.”

  “There’s no need to get every last one. Unfortunately, if we did a thorough search and pursuit, our units would be broken up. Let the runners run.”

  “Are you sure?”

  What choice do we have? Tanya nods. Once a location is tentatively captured, a commander is wont to prioritize securing it. In order to secure a location to which they can advance and loose the next arrow from, she needs to make sure the troops will be able to move.

  “Our mission isn’t search and destroy. There’s no reason units should scatter just because we have time on our hands.”

  Her mouth is forming the word therefore when she notices with a smile that an officer she has been expecting to show up has appeared at their provisional HQ.

  “Reporting back in, Colonel.”

  “Oh, nice work, Major. You did an excellent job guiding Captain Meybert’s artillery. Lieutenant Tospan’s men must not have had much rubble to trip over.”

  “Great,” her vice commander answers; he’s so reliable. She glances around to double-check, and seeing Colonel Calandro isn’t there to overhear them, she waves for Weiss to come closer. “By the way, about the church…”

  “You don’t need to worry about that. I confirmed at my discretion during the mop-up operation. It really seems to have been empty.”

  Tanya doesn’t actually think Major Weiss would give a false report over something like this, but…was it really empty?

  “Oh? I thought I saw some movement.”

  “Open graves and the aftermath of stolen burial goods.”

  “What?”

  “Maybe they were raided by the Communists before we arrived? It seemed as though they were sending anything of value to the rear.”

  “Makes sense.” Tanya nods.

  The Federation troops are really not slacking on their hatred of the Imperial Army lately. That is, they don’t want to leave so much as a speck of anything valuable behind for the Imperial Army to find. The malice is tangible.

  This is what it means to lack kindness, charity, and goodness of spirit.

  “Sheesh, the Communists are always one step ahead of us.”

  “Huh?”

  “Did we not research them enough? Their propaganda apparently says that we’re on the brink of defeat. And,” she continues with a smile, “apparently, they’re always one step ahead of us. So those Federation guys tell the truth once in a while.”

  “Ha-ha-ha. Good one.”

  Wincing, she says, “No, I’m serious.” She’s not actually averse to acknowledging how sensible they’re being about this.

  They’ve struck at the truth with their propaganda. Even capitalists aren’t perfect.

  But… At the same time, Tanya grins. Unlike the Commies, who are incapable of admitting their mistakes, capitalists take failures as a given. This is the proper application of human engineering. She’s had her fill of guys like Being X who deem themselves perfect and unerring. The capitalist strengths are adaptability, improvement, and evolution.

  And in terms of shoulds, the Commies are definitely a step or two ahead of capitalists, including me, when it comes to having an ideal of how things should be. It wouldn’t be fair to not commend them for having the courage to step up to the cliff’s edge.

  “That said, it’s vexing that I have to admit how efficient their looting was. All right, let’s give Colonel Calandro a tour of the demolished abandoned church and put his law-abiding heart at ease.”

  “Oh right, we still have that pain in the ass to deal with.”

  “Major Weiss, watch what you say. You could cause an international incident.”

  “Do excuse me… I’m just reminded once again of the gap between the front line and the rear.”

  “Me too, Major.” Seriously, though. Tanya is compelled to say with a sigh, “I can’t believe he thought we were going to shell a church…”

  “For real. Even I apply the international laws and standards.”

  Exactly, thinks Tanya. At some point, before she knew it, Calandro started viewing his hosts as savages, and she doesn’t like it one bit.

  “I know plenty about laws, so I don’t want to be called a barbarian. It’s hone
stly so unfair.”

  MAY 3, UNIFIED YEAR 1927, EASTERN FRONT, NEAR THE FRONT LINE, KAMPFGRUPPE GARRISON

  It probably sounds cool if you say a victory nap in a seized building. But actually, even just having a corner of an old building to make into a bed is such a huge upgrade in comfort.

  After a good night’s sleep and a breakfast fit for a human, just as Tanya is thinking with a wry grin that it seems like it will be a civilized day, she gets a message from headquarters.

  The higher-ups just do what they want. Tanya is allowed a single sigh. Then all she can do is solemnly obey.

  She’s simply telling the officers of the Kampfgruppe gathered for a meeting that they’ll be retreating.

  The officers of the aerial mage battalion accept it relatively quickly—they must be used to the home country’s absurdities. Surprisingly, it should probably be said… Captains Meybert and Ahrens and First Lieutenant Wüstemann don’t even seem terribly dissatisfied, which is quite something.

  So the one who reacts as expected, in a way, is First Lieutenant Tospan?

  “Orders to retreat? If you’ll excuse me, we did just suppress a residential area, but the fortification of our defensive position is going smoothly. I don’t see the need to—”

  “In other words? Ah, errr, I didn’t mean to interrupt. This is a good opportunity. Please finish what you were saying, Lieutenant Tospan.”

  “We can defend. I don’t see why we have to abandon this position. Isn’t the worst case that the enemy will retake it and we’ll end up giving them time to strengthen their foothold in the area?”

  “That’s a good question, Lieutenant Tospan.” Tanya nods and, sparing no effort to educate a newbie, inquires about his current perception of the situation. “Is that how you see things?”

  “Yes, Colonel. The conditions on the front lines aren’t so bad. Aren’t we strengthening our foothold despite the encounter battle with the Federation Army?”

  My word! He makes more sense than she expected. She’s pleasantly surprised to get to witness his growth. And when you count that his infantry unit performed during the suppression, she has to admit that he’s capable of getting the minimum done.

  Which is why she puts all the necessary energy into mentoring him.

  “That probably is how it looks from the ground.”

  “So you mean…?” The puzzled look on Tospan’s face means there’s some work to do with regards to application. He’s not the kind of guy who you can give him one and he’ll get to ten on his own.

  Sadly, he’s also one of Tanya’s officers.

  That said, it’s a matter of course as a soldier to do the best with what you have on hand. And Tospan is making an effort in his own way. I have no complaints about assisting him as a superior officer. I do feel that I’m a little hyped-up about education, even for me, but as a good citizen, that’s only natural.

  On the other hand, Tanya can’t help but point out with a wince, “You can’t just live in the two classic dimensions. Modern warfare is three-dimensional!”

  “Huh?”

  When Tospan still doesn’t follow, Tanya appoints an aerial mage to explain. “Major Weiss, how do the lines look from the sky?”

  “They’re too tangled.”

  Meybert and Ahrens both nod that they understand; they may not be magic officers, but they have been trained. Tospan’s blank look must mean he requires more education.

  That said, even if he can’t get to ten from one, it’s too soon to fault him.

  For a lower-ranking officer, this is the current standard. The Peter Principle6 was well stated; it’d be selfish of me to expect more without promoting him.

  “From your point of view, we’ve got the pressure on them.”

  “Yes, ma’am. As long as, like my unit, the others are advancing, I don’t see why…”

  “That’s probably not mistaken, but it’s also only a flat view. If you look from above, you can say the forward-most line is in chaos. Listen, Lieutenant.” She continues her explanation. “The way things are now, it’ll be extremely difficult to operate smoothly. For example.” She gives a concrete reference. “Suppose I request artillery support for your unit. Now, say that the enemy position is right in front of your nose… You don’t want to accidentally get blown away, do you? Or, rather, I doubt the artillery would even agree to such a reckless order.” She glances over to see the artilleryman frowning.

  “…It’s not a distance we could be responsible for. As long as there wasn’t an order to blow Lieutenant Tospan up along with the enemy…”

  It happens just as Captain Meybert says those words.

  As if it was the sign, the sound of shell impacts echoes. If you’re used to getting shot at, you recognize it even if you don’t want to. It’s close, and it is us being shot at.

  “A bombardment?!” someone yells, and all the officers at HQ simultaneously develop the same fear.

  “An enemy attack?! Of all the—! The search…”

  What is going on? Tanya nearly says when the artillery officer, Meybert, shouts, “They’re behind us! It’s coming from behind us!”

  But when he says the bombardment is coming from the rear, Tanya shakes her head. “It can’t be!”

  The rear has been infiltrated, and we didn’t realize it until we were getting fired on?! Are we really such a bunch of numbskulls as that? Tanya can’t accept what Meybert is saying.

  But on this point, Meybert is a professional artilleryman.

  “I’m pretty sure these are our guns! We’re coming under accidental friendly fire!”

  Wha—?! After a moment of speechlessness, Tanya realizes he’s probably right.

  We did get hit with our artillery’s irritating calculation errors on the Rhine front…

  But there’s another impact. And it’s even closer this time!

  “They…they have observers! The real barrage is coming!”

  Thanks to Meybert’s warning, Tanya understands the situation much better and she clicks her tongue. This isn’t a calculation error! It’s even worse! We’ve been mistaken for the enemy!

  The base piece fires a round and makes adjustments. I have experience guiding them. And I’ve been shot at like this before. I just never thought our own guys would be shooting at me!

  “All units, take shelter! Shelter now! And keep an eye on the sky.”

  Tanya knows from experience: If you can stop the observer mage, you can at least delay the firing.

  “Shit, I guess I have no choice!”

  She manifests an electronic countermeasure with the Elinium Type 95’s overpowering output. All the communications in the airspace are temporarily overwhelmed, and Tanya calls to the observer mage who must be out there, her murderous intentions plain to see.

  “In the name of God, I say unto you! This is the Salamander Kampfgruppe! To the idiots firing on your own troops in grid-square C-39, cut it out! I possess neither the mercy nor the patience of the Lord!”

  “Salamander Kampfgruppe? Um, what’s your call sign…?”

  “Dumbass! You’ve got a lot of nerve after firing on us,” Tanya rages. She truly cannot stand this. “Make them stop right now! Listen.” She kneads her urge to kill into her words and launches her fury at the flying freeloader. “Salamander 01 to observer mage! Where are you flying, you absolute waste of air?”

  With not so much as a peep in reply, I suppose I can’t even expect to solve this with words. As my anger at those insufferable amateurs continues to build, I resign myself to the fact that Tanya may have to shoot down someone on her own side.

  Anyone who shoots at me, regardless of nationality or organization, is an enemy. The logic that my enemy is every idiot who fires on me is violent but not wrong.

  “The identification signal is ready!”

  “Send the flare up, then—hurry!”

  Her adjutant’s rapid efforts are truly the work of a pro. Teach those amateurs what’s what! She gives the order. If they don’t acknowledge the stream of smoke
pouring from the signal flare, then she’ll just have to retaliate.

  “There! Did you see it?!”

  “Uh, I see it, but…”

  “I’m not saying it again! Cease your observed fire! If you don’t, I don’t care what your IFF says—I’m treating you as enemies and counterattacking!”

  “Wh-why is your unit over there?”

  “You think we’re the enemy in disguise? Fine. Just try firing for effect on the Salamander Kampfgruppe. The aerial mage battalion will bring its full force to bear in an anti-artillery assault!”

  I’m confident we could overrun a division of artillery. The Imperial Army’s batteries are relatively weak, so I can obliterate them in one shot… What a depressing thing to be so confident about!

  “Do I need to teach you guys that my score on the Rhine isn’t just a number?!” Tanya’s tone, filled with fury and loathing from the pit of her stomach, is meant to show them she is serious. She doesn’t want to attack troops on her own side. But the plank of Carneades exists in the field of law, too.

  I have the right to defend my plank so I don’t drown.

  Crushing the artillery in order to at least protect Mr. Ildoa from these fools trying to weaken my shield, the Salamander Kampfgruppe, is equivalent to emergency evacuation.

  Their reaction is slow, so Tanya screams in irritation. “Battalion, be ready to sortie in response! If they fire, treat them as the enemy!”

  “Understood, Colonel!”

  There is only one criterion by which friend and foe can be distinguished on the front lines: whether they shoot at you or not. That’s it. You can’t change that core truth by quibbling about IFF, identification signals, what badges people are wearing, or anything else.

  “If you fire on us, we’ll take care of you the way we deal with Federation artillery units! Give me whoever’s in charge over there! Apologize! If you can’t do that, then we’re fighting to the death!” Tanya doesn’t even try to hide her annoyance. Just then, she notices her encoded wireless receiver screaming.

  “H-HQ to Salamander CP, come in—it’s urgent! Come in—it’s urgent!”

  “Salamander 01 to HQ, please explain.”

  I guess it’s fine, since it’s not on an open channel.