"You will not defeat me again."
"Oh my dear. Are you okay? Tess? Can you hear me?"
Rosemary had one of my hands in hers and was patting it repeatedly. I managed to grasp her fingers to let her know that I could indeed hear her and she sighed in relief.
"Oh my dear! Oh thank goodness."
I opened my eyes and looked at her face, all scrunched in concern and I wanted to cry at the sight of it. More than anything I was hoping to wake up and find myself back home in my bed ... this whole nightmarish experience nothing more than that. But here I was back with Rosemary. Come hell or high water (an expression I suddenly identified with quite well!), I was going to figure out what was going on and Rosemary's pretend ignorance was not going to deter me from that plan.
For no matter how much she tried to look surprised, I saw the truth lurking in her eyes and a regret that made me more nervous than Cain.
Chapter 10
"I'm okay, Rosemary. Help me up." I tightened my grip on her hand and she pulled me into a stand.
"You fainted."
I looked at Rosemary and sighed in silent resignation. If Rosemary was, in fact, dead, then I was having one heck of a vision. I'd never had one that lasted for what seemed like days. And if I was in the throes of a vision, that must mean I was lying unconscious somewhere. Since I was pretty sure I was quite lucid when I landed on the island, my best guess was that the vision started after I made that fall. It could explain why I was experiencing the pain and nausea.
"For those who have eyes, let them see!" I thought about those whispered words and knew it was a message I needed to understand. The "eyes" were in reference to my spiritual awareness. I needed to "see" beyond the illusion I now seemed to be lost in. So, some time alone to process things was just what I needed.
"You're right, Rosemary. I should lie down for a bit and rest some more."
Rosemary smiled gently as she led the way back to her bedroom. Once I was tucked back into bed, she gave my arm a reassuring pat.
"I'll go make you some more of my mama's special tea. That should help."
"Thank you, Rosemary." I felt a little guilty letting her think I believed her story about being here for only two days, but I had a suspicion she wouldn't leave me alone if she knew what I was about to attempt.
Once she was out of the room, I closed my eyes and began the process of relaxing into an altered state of consciousness. Time to "wake up".
It took longer than I liked for I knew Rosemary would be returning soon with that tea. Feeling rushed only made me uptight so I let it go and relaxed. If I didn't accomplish it this time, I would do it later. If I continued to let Rosemary think I suffered a headache, she would leave me in peace. For a little while anyway.
As relaxation set it, I felt myself drift into that place between sleep and fought to maintain awareness without rousing my consciousness too much. My mind drifted further into relaxation, making me feel quite comfortable. Then I began to feel cold. It wasn't a spiritual cold, however.
Awareness began to crystalize into the realization that I was no longer lying on a comfortable bed. Whatever I was sprawled upon, it was hard and jagged. Sharp points poked into my skin and I knew that wherever I was, it was not a good place.
The chilling cold was the worst to deal with. Shivers wracked my body to near convulsions and it hurt to pull in a breath. Although my eyelids felt as if they were pasted shut, I managed to open them a crack. I couldn't keep them open, however, for the damp, cold air irritated them too much. I moved my eyes around experimentally, glad to know they were in working order, and then again tried to open them. I needed to see whatever there was to see. Whether I liked it or not. And I was pretty sure it was the "not" that would apply here.
Pain throbbed through my brain, feeling particularly sharp at the back of my head. I started to move but then stopped when a blinding flash of light pierced my vision.
"Okay, Tess. Don't move. Just open your eyes and see what is going on!" It helped to talk to myself for it seemed my body responded to me quite well. My eyelids lifted again, slowly this time. The sunlight was blinding and I wanted to turn from it but knowing my head wasn't going to like that, I stayed perfectly still while looking about as best I could.
It didn't take me long to realize I was positioned at an odd angle on Rosemary's porch. Yeah, that spill I took earlier? Looks like that really happened. I was lying across the splintered wood, my head dangling down slightly where the planks had given way.
Something fluttered above my head and I looked up to see the remnants of a curtain blowing in the breeze. The window panes were completely gone and the door was hanging from the top hinge. Though I couldn't turn my head to look, I knew the cottage was in shambles and that it hadn't been lived in for many years.
A quick assessment of my body told me I was in deep trouble. Just how long I've been lying here in the elements I wasn't sure. A sticky cold sensation at the back of my head and along my neck told me I'd been bleeding. My mouth felt like it was stuffed full of cotton and my throat hurt with each intake of air. I was parched, no doubt dehydrated and suffering from hypothermia if the uncontrollable shivering was anything to go by. No. The situation was not good. But I wasn't dead! There was that.
I would have cried tears if there was any moisture to be had but my eyes did nothing more than sting as I sent out a silent plea for Kade to find me. He'd done it before ... surely he could do it again. My life depended on it. Though I was a little distracted with my bodily discomforts, I did my best to push them to the back of my mind so I could focus on conjuring a clear mental image of Kade. If I wanted him to get my message, I needed to focus. I could do this. Since I was pretty sure Kade was focusing on me, it shouldn't be hard for us to make a connection. Surely we could manage to find our way to each other in the ethers of spirit.
"Go to Silver Lake, Kade! There's a small island with an old cabin visible from the lake. That's where I am. Come to me!" Over and over I sent out the message, stopping once to ask Sheila to help him receive it.
Though I wanted to stay alert and continue with my mental cry for help, I knew that my time was limited for already I felt sleep steeling its way through my mind. Rosemary's voice was calling me back and I could do nothing but slip into darkness. I went reluctantly, knowing that my life probably depended on my staying conscious. Somehow I needed to help Rosemary move on and then maybe I could get back here and save myself. I wasn't ready to die, no matter how great the afterlife. Minus the island and endless supply of tea of course. But all joking aside (even if I did mean it!), I wanted more time with Kade. More time to explore my new home and the wonders my property contained. More time with my friends and family and my animals.
Please, dear God, just give me more time!
"Tess? Oh my dear, are you awake?"
Heaving a huge, quiet sigh, I opened my eyes and looked at Rosemary. She stood next to the bed with a mug of steaming tea in her hand. How, I wondered had I managed to stumble into her personal hell? How was I going to get the heck out of it before my body died, trapping me here?
"I'm better now, Rosemary. Thank you." I glanced at the tea she'd prepared and nodded toward the door. "I think I can get up now and drink it with you out in the living room."
Rosemary smiled, holding out her hand in an offer to help me up. I grasped it gratefully and fought against the dizziness. Obviously my body's weakened condition was affecting me even in the world of spirit. But then it did make sense. I was still quite connected to it. Hopefully I'd stay that way. "We need to talk."
Rosemary's expression became guarded with distrust and she looked like she was going to refuse at first, then she squared up her shoulders and turned for the living room. "Okay, Tess."
I followed her out the door, managing to walk to the sofa without falling flat on my face. I found it odd that I didn't have better control of my body now that I knew I was basically taking part in an illusion. But then the body was connected through the mind and
one affected the other.
Rosemary sank into her rocking chair as if I'd just given an order she wasn't all that happy to comply with and I knew right then that she knew more than she let on. But how much more?
We settled in our usual seats, mine now quite comfortable thanks to some quick mental adjustments ... the imagination was a fine thing indeed! ... and stared at each other in silent challenge. I was determined for Rosemary to remove her blinders and she was just as determined to keep them in place. I was pretty sure, though, that in Rosemary's case, ignorance was not bliss. Cain's presence here told me she was going to experience a lot worse than she'd gone through so far if she didn't get the heck out of here pronto. It was a hell of a situation ... literally.
"You do realize that you're dead don't you, Rosemary?"
The older woman's eyes widened, obviously surprised by my directness, and then she lowered her gaze to her cup. After a long silence, of which I was determined not to break, she heaved a sigh and took a sip of her tea. She savored it for a moment then set the cup down on the end table next to her.
"I figured that once you knew Grace was gone, you'd realize that I couldn't possibly live on her supplies. But I did hope." She gave me a tentative smile though it quickly turned to a wobbly one as tears filled her eyes. "I didn't realize it at first, you know. I didn't know I was ... here and not there but then when I did, well, I didn't want to believe it. After a while you can convince yourself of anything if you work at it long enough." She shrugged her shoulders and looked at me in wary regard. "When you appeared on the lake and saw me, the first person on that side who could do that, I thought maybe I had dreamed everything and that I was alive after all."
"But you knew Grace was dead."
Rosemary began to play with the buttons on her sweater. "I guess I knew but then when she started showing up, I went along with the lie. When you saw her too, I wondered if it wasn't a lie after all. Perhaps she truly was alive. But then when she didn't come back..." Rosemary sighed, her mouth turning down as the weight of her wariness pressed upon her. "She would have come if she could but your presence here changed things."
"Why won't you go with her?"
Rosemary looked away and then after a tense silence, she began rocking in her chair. "I'm here because I don't deserve to be anywhere else. Why else do you think I woke up from the dead and found myself still here in this cabin? I didn't put me here, Tess."
"But you did. You woke up in the one place you feel safe. The one place where you knew true happiness." I swept my hand around me. "This is not where you were meant to stay. It was just supposed to be a temporary rest for you while you acclimated to your new situation but you have somehow convinced yourself that you must stay here. Obviously you don't have to stay ... Grace keeps coming to get you out of here."
Rosemary's eyes narrowed and then she leaned forward, her voice dropping to a whisper. "And what if I leave with her and the devil takes me away to hell?"
That shocked me and I stared open-mouthed for a brief moment, recovering quickly. I shouldn't be surprised. Over the years I'd heard worse things but Rosemary seemed so level-headed. Misguided perhaps, but practical and serious. Why would she think such a thing? "But you said you didn't believe in hell. Besides, why would you think that?"
Rosemary's mouth pursed as she gave my question some thought, then she heaved a heavy sigh and let her head fall back against her chair. "I don't want to believe in hell but what if I'm wrong about that and it really does exist?" She stopped rocking and leaned forward, her eyes firing with agitation. "My whole life has been one struggle after another. From childhood up I've had to deal with monsters of one sort or another. Nothing has ever gone right for me. I'm thinking I must deserve punishment for whatever reason, it's certainly beyond me. Why should it be any different in death?"
Oh dear. "Rosemary, every obstacle or difficult situation we face in life, in physical life, is meant to be an opportunity to advance our understanding about ourselves, who we are and what we are capable of. Once we understand all that is good and all that is bad then we can make choices that bring us happiness. To gain this understanding, we must experience all manner of things. How can we know what is good or bad unless we experience both?"
"I know people, Tess, who are literally born with a silver spoon in their mouths. It's not some bad, worn out saying, it's a fact of life. Some are meant to be happy and some are meant to be miserable. It isn't hard to guess what category I fall under."
I sipped my tea, giving myself some time to think about how I wanted to answer her. "In each life we live, we take with us what we've learned so far. Some of us are lucky enough to remember those lessons quickly and use the knowledge to make a better life. Others, however, struggle in ignorance of their capabilities, their minds closed to what they know in their souls. Every life, Rosemary, presents lessons to be learned."
Since it appeared I had her attention, I continued with my explanation. "In order to ensure we encounter the lessons we want to learn, we choose our birth parents before entering into life. Therefore, we know to some extent the situation we will be born into. As spiritual beings, when choosing our life path, some want to encounter difficult challenges to accelerate their learning. Others may not want to encounter anything too taxing and so choose an easy life. I mean, after all, sometimes we just need a break. And when we do, we come into a life like you just described, a silver spoon fed life of luxury." I leaned forward and held her gaze, wanting her to see in my eyes the truth of what I spoke. "I have to tell you, though, even those who seem to have it made are dealing with stuff." I grasped Rosemary's cold hands, squeezing them gently. "You put a lot on yourself by coming into the family that you did. You obviously wanted to pile on the lessons. But it all became too much, didn't it? You checked out of that life and now you want to continue it in death!"
Rosemary frowned as she mulled over what I said. Finally she shook her head, clearly confused. "I don't understand what you mean by saying I chose my family. Why would I choose someone like my father?"
I sat back, waving a hand at the room at large. "Look where we are, Rosemary. We are in spirit and very much alive, are we not?" She nodded in agreement so I continued on. "Do you think you didn't exist until you were born into physical existence? Certainly not. You were in spirit, as you are now, and when you were ready, you went back into physical life and became Rosemary. You chose your parents even though you knew what you were getting yourself into when you did it. Maybe someday you'll know why you chose them. Maybe your mother was the draw. I don't know. In any case, you knew what sort of man your father was but chose to accept your life anyway. The experiences of your childhood were horrendous. But it wasn't meant to break your spirit, it was meant to strengthen it so you wouldn't ever have to put up with anything like that ever again!"
"Even if that is true, Tess, the fact is I watched my daughter kill my husband. She killed her step-father and I did nothing to stop it. What kind of mother does that? And then my beautiful Grace lost her baby and her life. She was punished for that sin and so was I."
Her agitation too much to contain, Rosemary stood and waved her hands about her in growing fury. "And now I'm stuck here, condemned forever in a place that I probably don't even deserve. But if I leave it, if I go, then he will get me."
"He?"
"Satan. The devil. Whatever it is you call it. Because I know exactly where I'm headed, Tess. If Hell exists then I'm headed straight for it." She glanced about her, passing a hand across her tired eyes. "It seems I'm safe here. So here I shall stay."
I stood when Rosemary did and when she said those words I grabbed her shoulders, giving her a gentle shake. "You are in hell already, Rosemary. A hell of your own making! You don't deserve this. You are a good person. A beautiful soul."
She shook her head in denial. "No I'm not."
"Yes you are! I like you, Grace loves you, your mother loves you and so do your grandparents. Don't they matter?" I gave her a gentle shake. "Do you
think I'm evil?"
Rosemary's eyes watered. "No."
"And I love you, Rosemary! I have come to care for you very much in the time we've had together. I think I was sent here to help you because you deserve to be helped!"
Rosemary pulled away. "I would like to believe that but now I think you, too, are in danger." It was her turn to now make a point and she grabbed at my shoulders to do so. "You must stay here with me. We'll keep each other company and we won't let anyone take us anywhere we don't want to go."
I yanked from Rosemary's grasp and stepped away from her. "I don't want to stay here, Rosemary! I want to go home."
"Home? But you can't go back and neither can I."
"I'm not dead yet, Rosemary." When her eyes widened in surprise, I ran my hands up through my hair trying to think how best to explain what I didn't really understand myself. "When I landed on this island to talk to you, I fell and hit my head ... do you remember that?"
Rosemary nodded. "Yes of course."
"Well it must have knocked me out and so my soul, my spirit self, is now here interacting with you. But the fact is, my physical body is still alive and I must go back soon before it dies or I really will be stuck here."
"And how do you go back? Can I do so as well?"
"No, Rosemary. You cannot. Your physical body died many years ago."
"So how do you go back? What's keeping you here?"
"You are."
Silence followed. And then a cunning, somewhat devilish look entered Rosemary's eyes. "Then you can't leave if I don't want you to?"
Unease riffled through me, unsettling the calm I'd managed to achieve. "But you wouldn't want me to stay against my will would you, Rosemary?"
"I've been very lonely. I like having you here. And it's not so bad, Tess. You could come to enjoy it as I do."
I stepped back from her and turned away to think. No way did I want Rosemary to think she had the upper hand in our situation and yet, at the moment, I felt that is exactly what she had. Did my fate depend on Rosemary? It didn't seem fair for that to be the case. And didn't that just put me into a quandary because I've always believed that fairness had no part in our soul's journey. We experienced what we needed to experience whether it "seemed" fair or not! But honestly, I couldn't accept that being stuck in Rosemary's hell was something I needed to experience.
Rosemary's Ghosts (Tess Schafer-Medium) Page 16