The Bedsitting Room

by Spike Milligan

  Lord Fortnum:

  Harrow? That’s my old road.

  Mrs Scroake:

  Then this Pakistani seaman come in, he bought me for two nicker.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Two knickers?

  Mrs Scroake:

  He took me to his flat, and used me to keep his chutney and curry in. (Sobs)

  Lord Fortnum:

  There, there, your hot secret is safe with me, Mrs – Mrs…

  Mrs Scroake:

  Scroake, Gladys Scroake.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Scroake? Aren’t you the new Queen of England?

  Mrs Scroake:

  Yens.

  Lord Fortnum:

  I’m pleased and honoured to meet you, Mrs Scroake Your Majesty.

  Mrs Scroake:

  Ta! Oh, I wish I could get home, my Arthur will be waitin’ for ‘is supper.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Oh no, you must remain here, Your Majesty, you may be Arthur’s wife, but you’re on my inventory, to whit.

  Mrs Scroake:

  Who’s a twit?

  Lord Fortnum:

  No, you’re part of my furnishings; you’re all mine, possession is nine-tenths of the law, and three parts legal crap.

  It is’still black out. Enter PONTIUS KAK with a torch.

  Captain Kak:

  Lord Fortnum, Lord Fortnum, I’m back, I–

  He shines torch up to the gallery.

  Captain Kak:

  No, he’s not as tall as that. Click.

  Stage lights up. Down stage OP side is portion of the wall of a room, wallpapered in a distinctive pattern. About eight feet high by about three to four feet wide. Very light in weight. Flown from above. Standing in front is MATE the traffic warden. Brown overall, flat cap. Bucket of wallpaper paste, paste brush, roll of wallpaper the same pattern as that on the wall. Seated at the table, mid stage, is a DELIVERY MAN. Brown overall, white plimsols, greasy trilby hat. Gray walrus moustache, iron frame spectacles. He holds two medium-sized framed oil paintings on his lap.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Is that you, Kak?

  Captain Kak:

  Yes, and what a reunion – drinking, gallons of champagne, dancing naked on the tables, sexual orgies.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Ohhhhh. Who else was there?

  Captain Kak:

  No one, just me. (Suddenly sees the DELIVERY MAN) Ohh.

  Delivery man:

  Captain Kak, sir? Barkers Delivery, sir. You ordered two Van Gogh paintings.

  Captain Kak:

  Ah yes, the Van Gogh. (Sees MATE) Who are you?

  Mate:

  The van driver. Ha ha ha ha ha.

  Delivery man:

  (tapping his forehead with his finger) He’s training to be a twit, sir.

  Captain Kak:

  I see. Ahhh, hang this one up there.

  He points to the wall with his finger.

  Delivery man:

  Right, sir. (He hangs painting on KAK’s extended finger)

  Captain Kak:

  On second thoughts, the wall.

  Delivery man:

  Arthur, hang this on the wall.

  Captain Kak:

  Right, darlin’.

  MATE hangs picture on wall. Quickly pastes a matching wallpaper over the Van Gogh (frame and all).

  Captain Kak:

  Beautiful: There’s no doubt about it, Van Gogh was a great wallpaper.

  He points to the second painting that the DELIVERY MAN is holding, which is a painting of a policeman.

  Captain Kak:

  Who painted that?

  Delivery man:

  That’s the other Van Gogh.

  Captain Kak:

  Nonsense, that’s a Constable. Take it back.

  Delivery man:

  Very well, sir. Come, Arthur.

  As they exit, the wall is flown up. Hanging from the trailing edge are a pair of legs.

  Captain Kak:

  Lord Fortnum, I’ve decided to move into you.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Oh.

  Captain Kak:

  I have my well-known fiancée, Miss Wilson, waiting outside in her Mini Minor Skirt.

  Lord Fortnum:

  So?

  Captain Kak:

  What I’m trying to say is, she has nowhere to stay. I’m casting her on your mercy.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Of course, for fifty guineas a week, she can have the room and the mercy thrown in free.

  KAK takes out a cigarette case, from his pocket a ring of keys on a chain, he unlocks the case with a key, takes out a cigarette, lights it, puts it back into the case still alight. He does all this through the dialogue.

  Captain Kak:

  Lord Fortnum, as your psychiatrist I must strongly advise you against the taking of rent – it could aggravate your condition. I tell you bluntly…and I’ll have to be sharp with you now…that rent once taken can have a terrifying hold on the victim – you could even develop into a condition known among the working class as…‘Bleedin’ Landlord’.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Oh, good heavens.

  Captain Kak:

  …you must control your rent…

  Lord Fortnum:

  Yes, yes, controlled rents…controlled strictly at fifty guineas a week…(Laughs madly)

  Captain Kak:

  Lord Fortnum! (He picks up chair and bangs it into stage)

  Lord Fortnum:

  Oh!

  Captain Kak:

  You see, your condition is far worse than you thought. I must move in before rent taking gets a hold on you.

  Lord Fortnum:

  Very well, I’ll put myself in your hands.

  Captain Kak:

  When I bring my financee in, I must ask you to remain silent and (Intimately) if you see anything that passes between people in love, well, try to control yourself.

  Enter MISS PENELOPE WILSON, dressed by Mary Quant. She carries a, parrot or a macaw on a perch (T shaped).

  Penelope:

  Pontius.

  KAK turns. Extends his arms to her.

  Captain Kak:

  Richard.

  Penelope:

  It’s Penelope.

  Captain Kak:

  Of course, Penelope, I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on. Come, let me take your father.

  He takes the perch.

  Captain Kak:

  Tsu tsu, the Right Honourable Harold Wilson, what a strange fate for a great statesman. Keep your pecker up, sir, could be worse, you could have turned into a Tory. (Calls) Boy?

  Traffic Warden MATE enters.

  Mate:

  (laughingly) Boy.

  Captain Kak:

  Boy.

  KAK hands parrot to MATE.

  Mate:

  I’ll put him in Michael Foot’s cage. Ha ha ha.

  KAK turns to PENELOPE. Smiles.

  Penelope:

  Darling, is the Vicar on his way?

  Captain Kak:

  Yes, on his way, full of love, a true Christian and a Major Share holder in ICI.

  Penelope:

  Then I’ll just go and slip into an old wedding dress.

  She strips off her dress in one go.

  Lord Fortnum:

  (great wolf whistle) Corrrrrrr.

  Captain Kak:

  No, no, Penelope. Er – behind the screen.

  Penelope:

  Darling, you’ve seen me undressed before.

  Captain Kak:

  All right, I’ll come behind the screen with you then.

  Both behind the screen. KAK reappears with a list and pencil. PENELOPE undresses and throws her things over the top of screen. As they appear, KAK ticks them off. To each one he names the items in military jargon.

  Captain Kak:

  Slupps, nylon, one. Knickers, black, silk, one. Brassiere, bosoms, for the covering of, one.

  A skeleton is thrown over the top of screen.

  Captain Kak:<
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  No need to go that far, darling.

  Sound off of a VICAR approaching, chanting a hymn. He appears prompt side pushing a barrow, mounted with a baroque portable altar with candles, angels, the lot. NB – Built into the centre of the altar is a till, disguised to look like part of altar. VICAR is dressed in red and white hooped striped knee-length bathing costume, clerical collar and black attachment, pince-nez on black ribbon, frog mask, black below-the-knee socks with white broad elastic band tops to match his clerical collar.

  Vicar:

  Weddings, get your lovely weddings here, baptisms, cut-price confirmations done while you wait. Weddings, instant weddings.

  Captain Kak:

  Ahhhh, Vicar. I wrote to you, I’m Pontius.

  Vicar:

  Not Pilate?

  Captain Kak:

  No, I’m not a pilot, I’m a captain. We’d like a quick wedding before lunch.

  Vicar:

  Of course you won’t stop for that. Now – um – may I offer you the new economical combined wedding and divorce, three pounds ten and you get custody of the wedding cake.

  Captain Kak:

  Sorry, I can’t afford a divorce at the moment, I think it might upset her. Of course, later on when I’m earning, I’ll go for the full annulment. Oh, the frog mask.

  Vicar:

  Oh, you’ve noticed. I specialise in underwater weddings, I’m the only one, you know. I did Hans and Lotte Hass. Now, is your instant bride ready?

  Captain Kak:

  Penelope?

  PENELOPE runs on in a transparent knee-length black nightie, a bridal veil.

  Penelope:

  I’m ready, darling.

  Vicar:

  (leering over the bride) Hello, my dear…(To KAK) I must have some of the wedding photographs, there’s bound to be transparencies, joke, ha ha ha. Now, as a special favour I’m going to give you the king-size wedding with the flip top Bible…(Holds up Bible) Man, you are never alone with one of these…Now, will you both hold hands, please. (KAK clasps his own hands and PENELOPE clasps her own hands) Good, good…now then. (Opens book and starts intoning) And, the naughty gamekeeper took her into the potting shed and laid her on the ground (Starts to get excited)…then with hands trembling he ripped the thin silk…

  Captain Kak:

  I say, look here…That’s not the Bible…That’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover.

  Vicar:

  Yes, I know, but it’s packing them in the church every Sunday. However, if you prefer the old twit ceremony I think I still recall it…Now then…(Intones) Do you Captain Pontius Kak take this bust 38 hips 36 to be your lawfully wedded wife?

  Captain Kak:

  (intones back) I was expecting you to ask me that…and it just so happens that I do…

  Vicar:

  (intones) Good, good, good…(Changes key) Do you Penny-lope Wilson take this lawfully wedded sex maniac to be your husband?

  Penelope:

  (intones) I do.

  Vicar:

  Oh dear…that puts me out of the running…(Changes key) Do you Penny-lope Wilson the well-known fiancée and bunny club hostesss promise to cherish your consenting male adult husband…to love, honour and obey him in sickness and in health, in trial and ordeal until death do you part and all that jazz? (During this speech KAK undresses; he has a suit of pyjamas on under his uniform)

  Penelope:

  (intones) I do.

  Vicar:

  (intones) You must be out of your mind…

  Captain Kak:

  Look here, damn you! There’s still some decency left! Come on, darling! Let’s go to bed!!!!

  Vicar:

  I haven’t finished yet. I now pronounce you man and wife…

  KAK hands money to VICAR, who presses a lever on his portable altar – out shoots the drawer of a concealed till – puts money in. VICAR takes starting pistol. MAN with checkered car racing flag enters OP.

  Vicar:

  On your mark…set…(Fires pistol)

  KAK and PENELOPE race for the bed and jump in. Confetti from flies. Sound of grand organ playing Wedding March. Peal of wedding bells. KAK picks up loud hailer, shouts.

  Captain Kak:

  Get out of my bedroom, you Peeping Tom.

  All the bells and the organ are now faded out as VICAR exits. He trundles his barrow off.

  Vicar:

  Get your holy bargains here, holy bargains week for fifty-two weeks only. Green Shield Stamps with every barmitzva. Die on your wedding day and get two ceremonies for the price of one. Pins stuck in clay models of your bank manager.

  He pushes his barrow into wings, in exchange is handed a straw hat and cane. PIANIST plays a razz ma tazz intro. VICAR, leering, sings.

  Vicar:

  Thank heaven for little girlssssssss.

  A hook comes out of wings and pulls him off.

  Penelope:

  Darling, we’re alone at last.

  Captain Kak:

  Yes, what shall we do? I know – I spy with my little eye, something beginning with–

  MATE pops up from behind bed. He has a divining twig in his hands.

  Mate:

  Gladys? Gladys? Where are you, I want my supper, Glad…I – oh, sorry, I’m looking for my missus.

  Captain Kak:

  Well, this one’s mine. I’ve got the receipt.

  The BRIDE and GROOM cuddle down in bed. MATE stands looking at them. Then goes over to the coffin. Sits down. And just looks at the audience.

  Mate:

  It’s orrl rite, we ain’t forgotten the words. This is the bit the Lord Chamberlain cut, and I’m the twit trying to fill in the time. ‘Ere’s a limerick I heard…

  VICAR puts head around wings.

  Vicar:

  (sings) Ahhhhhhhhmennnnnnn.

  MATE dives into the wings. Reappears swinging a life-size soft dummy dressed like the VICAR, which he hurls across the stage.

  Mate:

  Well, that put the fear of God up ‘im. Now where’s Gladys, Glad…Glad…

  Gladys:

  (from behind chest of drawers or from wings) ‘Ere I am, Arthur…

  Mate:

  Oh, darlin’, what ‘ave they done to you…Don’t be ashamed, I know what happened…don’t be ashamed…I got the newspaper cutting here from the News of the World… Quote…Indian seaman…strange conduct in London doorway with second-hand chest of drawers…I didn’t know the chest of drawers was married, he tells Paddington Judge…Abdul Raman Rates Jajiboo, Indian wog seaman of no fixed trousers, was accused at Paddington Assizes of indecent conduct. When questioned by the constable he said…I just had two beers and a small Bombay curry and I wasn’t feeling very well. Everything went black…laughter in court…He said he was a seaman smuggling monkeys to the RSPCA. He claimed he was sailing from Glasgow to Madras but unexpectedly ended up at Elba. He accused the ship’s captain of not knowing his Madras from his…

  Gladys:

  Come on, Arthur, I want to go ‘ome.

  Arthur:

  Orl rite – orl rite…I daren’t tell her…I been unfaithful, I been goin’ out wiv an airing cupboard, ha ha ha ha.

  He exits with chest of drawers. Enter man dressed as a DIPLOMAT. Black Anthony Eden hat, black jacket, striped City trousers, black shoes. He holds a dispatch case with the Royal Cypher on flap. He is seated on a water closet on wheels, above him is the cistern, a chain and a handle. A CD plate is visible on side of cistern. From out of the cistern is the end of a tiger’s tail. He is pushed by a small man made up like Quasimodo, with an exaggerated hump in his back, but wearing a CHAUFFEUR’S hat. DIPLOMAT makes noise of a motor car and pretends to steer.

  Diplomat:

  Brrrrrrrr. Parp parp. Stop here! Call back for me in ten minutes, I’ve got some unfinished business to attend to.

  Chauffeur:

  Right, sir.

  He exits making motor-car noises.

  Diplomat:

  Ting a ling a ling. Buzzzz buzzzzz, knock knock kn
ockity knick.

  Captain Kak:

  Who is it?

  Diplomat:

  Coitus Interruptus.

  Captain Kak:

  You swine, I’ve a good mind to kill you.

  Diplomat:

  Don’t come too close, I’ve got Diplomatic Immunity. Allow me to introduce myself. Carlton Towers. Foreign Secretary.

  Captain Kak:

  Oh.

  Diplomat:

  I have urgent dispatches for the Prime Monster. The Hon. Wilson.

  Captain Kak:

  I’ll go and get him. Excuse the mess, but we got the Socialists in.

  He exits as he talks on prompt side.

  Diplomat:

  Penelope! What are you, my wife, doing in bed with another man?

  Penelope:

  Carlton, I’m sorry, I’ve married again. I thought you were dead. I waited for you to return, you did leave me.

  Diplomat:

  Yes, but that was only this morning, to go to work.

  Penelope:

  Was I impatient?

  Re-enter KAK carrying the parrot on his perch.

  Captain Kak:

  Here he is, all merry and bright.

  Diplomat:

  We’d like to be alone – confidential stuff, you understand. (As he speaks he sets the parrot’s perch in a hole in the table, then undoes the diplomatic bag. DIPLOMAT looks closely at the parrot’s face) Sorry to see you like this, sir, I hope you’re back to normal before the next election. Oh, Mr Michael Foot asked me to give you this. It’s Sage Stuffing. (He opens a small packet preferably with parrot foot in so the parrot will eat) Mr Brown is carrying on as Deputy Leader as best as he can, not as easy for him as a cocker spaniel. Mrs Wilson is well and is arranging for you to see the Curator of Birds at the Zoo, she says he may be able to help your present condition. The deposed Kabaka of Buganda has called the natives of Paddington to arms and declared Paddington an independent State, and is calling for free elections. Mr Smith has sent a telegram sympathising with us and wants to know if he can help. There’s nothing else, sir, still no news as to who won the war. The Americans are still bombing Vietnam and Alabama…Soho has been declared a wildlife reserve, Harry Secombe has become a nudist colony, and oh I see you’ve tabled a motion, sir. Goodbye, sir, and remember, sir, happiness is Egg shaped.

  He places all spare props, clothes, etc, on the table, goes off doing train noises. He exits only to return with a SOLDIER in his arms. The SOLDIER’s uniform and makeup are divided in half. His left side is a brigadier with red tabs, riding boot, red band round cap; his face is an old colonel’s, white cavalry moustache. The other half is of a young sergeant, with a black moustache, World War One puttee, one black boot.