London, Can You Wait?

by Jacquelyn Middleton

  “I’m sure Fallon filled you in when you woke up.”

  “She was crying, frantic…worried about Duff finding out.”

  “Crocodile tears. Hope he dumps her.” Alex paused. “Did you use a condom?”

  “I think so.”

  “I thought you couldn’t remember.”

  “The wrapper was on the duvet…” Mark forced the words out. “When I stumbled out of the bed…there was a used condom in the bedside bin.” His eyes fell with his shoulders. “Mouse, I’m so so sorry.”

  Her nose prickled. Dammit. YOU are in control, Alex. YOU. She looked away and reached for her glass, but thought better of it, burying her hands in her lap.

  Mark stuck his fingers inside the strap of his watch and spun it around and around his wrist.

  Neither spoke for half a minute. The squeals of a baby, the girl belonging to the lesbian couple next door, reverberated from the hallway.

  Alex brushed imaginary fuzz from her dress. “At least Mark Junior won’t be making his debut nine months from now.”

  Frowning, Mark continued to spin his watch.

  “Our relationship has meant everything to me.”

  “It means everything to me, too, Mouse. Meeting you changed my life.”

  “I think Lairds did more to change your life than I ever did.”

  “That’s not true.” Mark angled towards her. “I was at a low point when I met you. Six months of rejections, and not a single role, not even a radio play. Every audition came to nothing. The doubts started…was I good enough? Was I wasting my time? I was thinking about giving up.”

  “I doubt that!” She huffed. “You seemed so confident.”

  “Yeah, ’cause I was trying to impress you! It’s not every day I meet a cute American girl who writes plays.” His face softened with a smile. “After twenty minutes talking to you, I realized—she gets me. Unlike most people, she doesn’t think I’m stupid for hanging out in drafty theatres, getting paid next to nothing. She gets my need to disappear into a character, because she craves that escape, too. Lex, the joy you have for writing your plays—for taking that leap of faith that maybe one day they’ll be seen by an audience—that inspired me to keep trying. I felt like I had found a kindred spirit.”

  “I felt that, too.”

  “See?” His eyes crinkled. “Other than my mum, I’ve never had anyone in my life who believed in me as much as you—and to top it off, you laugh at my stupid jokes and love my Vespa! And your talent—Christ, Lex…your first play staged at the Royal bloody Court? I wasn’t surprised—I knew all along you could do it. You, gorgeous girl, are a force to be reckoned with.” He pointed towards the shelves. “You’ll need to shift those photos for Olivier Awards soon.”

  “I love those photos.”

  “I do too.” He moved closer to her. “Those memories are special because you were by my side, Lex. God, we have so many. Remember when the Doctor Who Christmas special script arrived?”

  “Yeah. I cried.” Her eyes moistened, recalling the memory, wishing she could revisit that simpler, happier time. “I’m so proud of you, Mark. You deserve all the accolades, the success…” A heavy breath landed on her lap. “We almost survived it unscathed, until now…”

  He clutched her hand. “We can get through this.”

  “I’ve thought about nothing else, Mark…”

  “Neither have I.”

  “You can’t remember, but I can’t forget…”

  His forehead creased briefly as her words stung.

  “I love you, Mark, but once trust is broken…” She winced, her heart pounding faster…faster… “We can’t go back to the way things were.”

  “I know. I know that.” He swallowed heavily, squeezing her hand. “I love you more than anything. I don’t care how long it takes or how hard it will be, I will prove you can trust me again. Just tell me what I need to do.” His eyes lit up. “Just name it.”

  “I think we should break up.”

  His face fell. He blinked a few times, stunned—as if the words Alex had spoken were a foreign language. “What?”

  Alex pulled her hand away. “I can’t see a way through this. I’m sorry.”

  “Mouse.” He leaned closer, his eyes wide and pleading. “No! We can make this work. I know it will take time to rebuild your trust—”

  “There’s more to it than that.” She slanted away from him. “We’re never together…and when we are, we have zero privacy. I haven’t been happy for a while.”

  “I know you haven’t been, but we can fix this—”

  She shook her head. “You and I deal with things differently, you and I want different things. I would like to get engaged; you want to wait. I wanted us to have time together; you couldn’t say no to a single thing Wink suggested. I can’t do this anymore, Mark. I’m done with being patient. I’m done with always being the one forced to compromise.”

  Mark clasped her knee, his thumb rubbing back and forth. “It won’t always be like this—”

  “I want a partner who spends more time with me than away from me, but that’s not our life, is it? And if you were serious about making time for us, you’d have done it by now…”

  “Babe, I am serious. That’s why I’m gonna carve out more time for us. You can visit set more often. We can FaceTime every morning, before bed—”

  “Waving through a tablet screen or having sex in your dressing room every few weeks doesn’t cut it. I want to wake up beside you in our bed. I want to decorate this flat together. I want to cook for us—simple things. What we have, it’s not enough.”

  He dragged both hands through his hair. “Lex, it’s not enough for me either.”

  “You say that and yet every time we’ve talked about it, I can see you’re torn. I know you don’t mean to let me down, but if it’s a choice between disappointing me or Wink, I lose, every time. It’s like Wink has this hold over you.” She threw her arms up. “Fuck, he’s even got you doing action movies, Mark! We used to make jokes about those films. When we first met, you said your dream was to follow in the footsteps of your favourite actors, doing roles that meant something, but since Wink arrived, you’ve abandoned that. Since when do you want to become Vin fucking Diesel?”

  “I don’t. I’ll still do theatre.” He pointed at the table. “Look, why don’t you open the box—”

  “Wink dictates everything: the jobs you take, how often you’re home. It’s a tug of war, and I’m tired of always being on the losing end—”

  “Not anymore. I talked to him.”

  Bruno sang out again from Mark’s phone.

  “Ignore it.” He refused to pull his eyes away from Alex.

  “We can’t, Mark, that’s the point…”

  Bruno kept singing.

  “It doesn’t matter what Wink thinks.” Mark shook his head, turning his phone over. “Shit.” He sagged with a sigh. “I hav—”

  “Yep.”

  “Wink.” Mark snapped his eyes shut. “Can I ring you—”

  Alex exhaled.

  “Er, really…? They want me to read…? Wow, okay…if you think…no, not a problem… Yep. Thanks.”

  Alex shook her head. “Go on. You were just saying ‘it doesn’t matter what Wink thinks’?”

  He pinched his lips and dropped his phone on the table. No words were necessary. His hesitation spoke for him.

  She placed her fingers to her temples. “You haven’t been around to notice, but…I’ve spent hours at my keyboard these last few months but nothing comes. It’s like an instrument I’ve forgotten how to play. My writing’s a shadow of what it was last year. Producers and directors are passing on my work…it’s just not good enough—”

  “The Garrick is just one theatre, Lex. There’s plent—”

  “The Donmar rejected my commission—”

  “What? When—?”

  “Back in October. See? I’ve become a theatre has-been at twenty-four. No one is returning my calls. Being ignored is even more brutal than being
rejected. It’s soul crushing.”

  “I know that better than anyone. Look, I can help—”

  “And do what? Make them take my calls?” Alex clenched her jaw. “Everything is a mess. My credit card is maxed out. I had to sell stuff to pay rent—”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I can support us.”

  “I want to be financially self-sufficient, but I can’t, not without my writing voice. I’ve lost it. Can’t you see how that feels, Mark? It’s like…it left with you one day and hasn’t come back. What if I never get it back?”

  “Lex, it will come back.”

  “Yeah? When? Because I’m tired of waiting, turning myself inside out over writing, bills, the future…you—it’s not helping. I just…can’t…not anymore.” She fought to catch her breath.

  His posture stiffened. “Why didn’t you tell me you were having panic attacks again?”

  She bowed her head.

  “Lex.” He scooted closer, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. “I would’ve come home, rearranged…” The rest of the sentence stuck in the back of his throat.

  “And what?” Alex slowly shook her head. “Get fined like you did on January 2nd? Or worse? Mark, I don’t want you resenting me. I don’t want you regretting being with me.”

  “I don’t regret being with you. I love you. You’re the most important thing in my—”

  Alex’s hand pushed pause on Mark’s chest as tears gathered in her eyes. “We both know that’s not true, not anymore.”

  “It won’t be this crazy forever…just hold on a little longer.” Mark pulled her closer. “Please…don’t give up on us.”

  “I’m not giving up on us. You gave up on us…the moment you slipped into Fallon’s bed.” Her voice cracked, each word tearing them further apart.

  “No. Lex—”

  “Mark, it’s over.” The tears she choked back clogged her throat. “Please go.”

  His hand slipped from her shoulder, his jaw slack. He stared at the wall for a moment before scooping his phone from the table. He stood up, eyes glued to the floor. “We’ll…We’ll have things to sort out, living arrangements…all that.” Dazed, he blinked and turned to his left, walking around the back of the sofa so he didn’t have to face Alex or squeeze between her and the table. “They’ll have to wait until filming wraps next month. I’ve gotta…head to the airport…” His chin trembled.

  Alex rose to her feet, but her knees wobbled like jelly. Tears trickled down her cheeks.

  Keeping his back to her, Mark wiped his nose with the edge of his wrist and tugged on his boots, ignoring their laces. He slipped on his coat, dumping his keys and phone in the pockets.

  The half-dozen steps to the door took all of Alex’s energy, her chest tightening with each sob and gulp for air. The room began to sway ever so slightly. She reflexively reached for the Vespa charm, but it wasn’t there.

  Mark leaned towards the chair and his sunglasses but changed course, turning around quickly towards Alex. He threw his arms around her shoulders, crushing her body with his and leaving a tender kiss on her forehead. Clinging to her, halting breaths shuddered through his chest as he finally gave in to the tears he had fought to suppress.

  Alex pressed her face into his neck and dug her fingers into his waist, pulling him tighter, trying to commit his scent, his heartbeat, the warmth of his body to memory. If only New Year’s hadn’t been spent in Dublin. If only Mark didn’t choose Wink each time…if only…if only…he hadn’t cheated on her. Letting go was the right thing to do, but her disintegrating heart begged her to reconsider. There was nothing she could do. Their time had simply…run out. Another wave of tears spilled from her eyes.

  He inhaled purposefully and trembled upon its release. With a final squeeze, he let go. “I love you, Mouse, always.”

  She swiped her wet cheeks with a hand and licked her lips, tasting a melancholy mix of salty tears, hers and Mark’s. She wrapped her arms around her quaking chest, barely holding herself together.

  Mark put on his sunglasses, grabbed his backpack, and pulled open the door. He walked away without turning back.

  Twenty-Four

  “Sorry I took so long.” Lucy shoved through the door, her eyes hidden underneath the wet, faux fur trapper hat that was swallowing her face. “Fucking Elephant and Castle.” Exhausted, she placed an umbrella and two full shopping bags on Alex’s apartment floor with a thud.

  Cheeks streaked with tears, Alex plunged her swollen nose into a handful of disintegrating tissue. “How am I going to get through this?” She clutched a rectangular blue, green, and pink tin decorated with hearts and birds against her chest.

  Lucy’s arms flew open. “One shitty day at a time, babe. Come here…”

  Alex’s knees buckled, her body collapsing into Lucy’s embrace. “I feel like I’ve fallen under the wheels of a bus—on purpose.” Her body shook with sobs as Lucy held her. “Freddie texted me, ‘What have you done?”’

  “Oh, ignore Freddie. And fuck Mark.” Lucy pulled back, making close eye contact. “What you need right now is the Bezzie Mate Treatment…” She opened her shopping bags. “See? Ice cream, wine, vodka, oven chips, Lucky Charms, Pizza Express dough balls, triple chocolate cookies, cheese strings…oh, and I can confirm… Kick Ass, Kill Bill, and Waiting to Exhale are still on Netflix. Or if you need comfort and the soothing tones of Whishy, there’s always Bright Star or The Hour, even Spectre if you fancy some Q in a wooly hat. We’re all sorted for the weekend.”

  Alex chased breaths between sobs and dove a hand into a bag. “Chicken Christmas trees with…BBQ dip?”

  “The chicken trees were marked down—clearance. Actually, most of this stuff was on offer.”

  “Thanks, Lucy. I need a food hug.”

  “Hey, wanna mainline carbs? I’m your girl.” Lucy dumped her backpack on the floor and frogmarched Alex into her bedroom. “C’mon, let’s put on our jim-jams. I want to hear everything.”

  Alex placed her untouched bowl of chocolate and cheese strings on the table beside a small white box and the rectangular hearts and birds tin. A ratty tissue fell out of her sleeve. “Oh, God, look at me—I’m such a mess. If I’m not bawling, I’m in the bathroom. Pathetic.”

  “It’s only been two and a half hours since you split, Lex. There’s no fast-forward button for heartbreak.”

  “He’ll be landing in Dublin soon.”

  Lucy wrenched the belt of her bathrobe.

  Alex rubbed her cheek, further smearing the mascara and eyeliner that had smudged underneath her eye. She looked around their flat. All their photos…shared books…memories. Landing in Dublin or not, Mark was everywhere here. “I wonder what he’s thinking…”

  “Probably how stupid he was to fuck up the best thing he’s ever had.”

  “His face…” A breath caught in Alex’s throat. “He was crying when he left—”

  “It’s not helping, worrying about him, and please, stop with the pathetic crap. You’re the opposite of pathetic. You took control and chose the tough option. Fuck, I can’t imagine how hard it is—dumping someone you still love. I’ve never been there. The easy way would have been to accept his cheating, all those absences, and take him back—better the devil you know and all that bollocks.”

  “Trust me to ignore the easy way…”

  “When have you ever taken the easy way out? Drives me bonkers, but this time, lady, you played a blinder. You had enough and you pulled the plug—nothing pathetic about that. If anything, you’re…indomitable.”

  “Indomitable? Where did you pick that up? Playing Scrabble with Harry’s parents?”

  “No, Simon’s word-of-the-day calendar at Christmas.”

  “Are you sure it wasn’t abominable like the snowman in the Rudolph Christmas special?”

  “The what?”

  “The Abominable…the Bumble?”

  Lucy flashed a blank stare.

  “Never mind. It’s an American thing. So, if I’m indomitable, why do I feel like I’v
e flung myself from the Shard? I’m in freefall, about to splat across the pavement.” Alex popped open the tin. “Look.” The blue, green, and pink rectangle was filled to its rim with cookie birds and hearts, hand-iced in all colours of the rainbow. “Mark ordered them from that Biscuiteers café.”

  “They’re so detailed and pretty but…why?”

  “He had them couriered to the hotel for our anniversary…” She held a pink and white bird. “I’ve always wanted to visit that shop.”

  “What did you get him?”

  Alex shrugged, sadly. “It doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

  Lucy picked up a heart with a crack down the middle. “Hmm, that’s fitting.”

  “It’s my fault. I dropped the box in Dublin.” Stray tears trickled down Alex’s cheeks. “There was something else in the parcel, too.” She lifted the lid on the small white box. “Diamond constellation earrings. Aren’t they pretty?”

  “He gave you star earrings?” Lucy snorted. “Fame is going to someone’s head. What happened to Mrs. Keegan’s humble son?”

  Alex crumpled. “Oh, God, his mum. She would’ve known something was up when I didn’t answer her text on New Year’s Day…”

  “It’s not your job to tell his mum.”

  “I owe her a good-bye, Lucy. I can’t ghost her.”

  “If she’s as empathetic as you say she is, she’ll understand. I’ll bet she freaked when she found out what he did.”

  “Oh, fuck. I have to cancel our holiday.”

  “The Florida one?”

  “Yeah. Next month.” Alex pressed her flushed face into her hands.

  “Leave it to me. I’ll take care of it.”

  “I’m going to lose this place, too…”

  “You’ll stay with us.”

  “There’s no room.”

  “Well, if not mine…Harry’s.”

  “Sofa surfing? No.” Alex rubbed away the tears with her hand. “I might move to Dad’s…get my bearings, start over.”

  “Moving? Not permanently?”

  “It will hurt too much seeing Mark around with Freddie…”