Formal Arrangement

by Gilmore, Kylie

  Viv stared at the bag in fascination.

  Alex spoke up. “I was thinking I’d try to get some work done since she’s so comfortable with you.”

  Lauren smiled. “Absolutely. That’s what I’m here for.”

  Alex stared at her for a long moment before turning to Viv. “Listen to Miss Lauren today.”

  “Bye, Daddy.” Viv waved him away.

  “You heard her,” Lauren said with a laugh.

  Alex shifted from foot to foot like he couldn’t decide if he should really go. “I’ll be just down the hall in my art studio. I’m closing the door and putting my music on. You need me, you just walk right in.”

  “Got it,” Lauren said.

  “Got it,” Viv mimicked.

  Alex stared at Viv and then turned to Lauren. “It’s one of those childproof knob covers. You know how to do those?”

  She nodded. “I do. I noticed those yesterday.”

  Alex put his hands together like a prayer and pointed them at her. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

  She shook her head. “It’s really no problem. Me and Viv are going to have a blast.”

  He turned to Viv. “See you at lunch, my superstrong girl.” He put out his fist for a fist bump.

  Viv left him hanging on the fist bump, instead lifting her hair and twisting it together, trying to make a braid. “Hair.”

  Alex stared for another long moment, looking from Viv to Lauren and back, almost like he didn’t want to leave. Lauren shooed him out.

  “Thank you,” he mouthed and left. So sweet.

  She turned to Viv. Another sweetie. She was so happy she got this opportunity to help Alex and Viv. What a wonderful day they were going to have.

  That lasted approximately five minutes.

  It wasn’t that Viv was bad. She was more like…curious and energetic and…reckless. Lauren couldn’t take her eyes off her for one minute. By the time lunch rolled around, Lauren was embarrassingly exhausted. She hated to push the issue, but she really thought she needed to take Viv to a playground or a kiddie pool. Something that would get her energy out. She’d have to broach the topic with Alex carefully.

  Chapter Seven

  Alex was in that beautiful place where creativity flowed, guiding his fingers as he sketched an intricately interlocked picture with a dragon, castle, shield, and the shadow of two kids on the move. He felt like only minutes had passed when he heard his name.

  “Daddy!”

  He set his pencil down, turned down the music, and stood, arms open wide. Viv ran and body slammed him with a hug around the legs. He lifted her and kissed her temple.

  Lauren stepped inside his studio. “Sorry to bother you. She wanted lunch and I thought you might want to join us. If you’re too busy—”

  “Not at all.” His eye caught on Viv’s hair. “Nice braid.” He didn’t know how to braid, so she was probably pretty happy to have one.

  Viv wiggled to get down. He set her on her feet and she did a few model poses, hand on her hip, flipping her braid back and forth over her shoulder. He laughed, turning to Lauren. “Where’d she get that modeling thing?”

  “Got me,” she said.

  He gestured to go. “Okay, Miss Vivian, let’s eat.”

  Viv raced to the kitchen. Lauren looked around his studio. “So this is where the magic happens.”

  He glanced around. It was a mess. “Nothing fancy.” He had a drafting table for drawing in front of the window. The blinds lowered from the top to let in some natural light. Adjacent to that was a black futon from his apartment days and a small bookcase with some art school books. Opposite the window on the far side of the room was a desk with the computer and a large monitor, where he did most of his work, using Photoshop and a digital painting tablet. Two rows of long wire hanger mounted high on the walls had works-in-progress clipped to them—drawings for cover concepts or the occasional picture book illustration.

  She stopped by his drafting table, inspecting his work. She turned back to him with a look of wonder. “You’re quite a gifted artist.”

  He flushed at the compliment. “Thanks. I missed it.”

  “Is this what you do for a living? Fantasy illustrations?”

  “Not always. This is for a trilogy. Book covers. Sometimes I illustrate picture books too. But that work is only part time. The rest of the time I’m doing graphic design and programming for websites. That’s more of a pay-the-bills steady job.”

  She turned back to the cover he’d been working on and then over to the other two. He’d actually done all three in record time, flying high with the rush of creativity he’d missed so much. Of course, that was just the sketch work. He needed to do tighter line drawings and then scan and upload them to Photoshop, where he’d do the color work. Still, he was proud of what he’d accomplished after being stuck for weeks.

  The sudden silence alerted him to possible toddler mischief. “Gotta go check on Viv.”

  “Of course,” Lauren said with a sweet smile. “I’d love to see more of your work when you have a free moment.”

  “Don’t get many of those.”

  “Viv,” they said at the same time.

  They bumped into each other trying to get out the door. “Sorry,” he said. “After you.”

  She laughed and looked up at him, her green eyes bright and smiling. “Oops.”

  He was suddenly hyperaware of her—the flush of pink along her cheeks, the heart shape of her face, the heat of her body, her sweet flowery scent with a hint of something sharper, some kind of spice. She slipped past him, her bare arm brushing against his, and he actually got goose bumps on the spot. He stayed rooted in place, surprised at his own reaction. He hadn’t been with a woman since Viv was born. Maybe it was catching up to him.

  When he got to the kitchen, Viv was on a chair next to the counter, one leg hitched up, and Lauren was pulling her down.

  “Nope,” Alex said, taking Viv from Lauren’s arms. “No climbing on counters. That’s dangerous. What do you want?”

  Viv put her hands on his cheeks and stared into his eyes. “M&M. Grape medicine.”

  Alex did a quick calculation and determined it was too soon for the next dose. “Not time for that yet. What do you want for lunch, chicken nuggets or grilled cheese?”

  “Grilled cheese,” Viv said.

  “Grilled cheese, please,” he prompted.

  “Please,” she said, hugging his neck tight. “Please, Daddy.”

  He kissed her temple and set her down. “Coming right up.”

  “You want to help me set the table?” Lauren asked Viv.

  Next thing he knew, they were having one of those “family” moments. Lauren directing Viv; him at the stove cooking. He glanced over at Viv, looking proud and full of purpose as she set three paper napkins out. He swallowed down a lump of emotion. Her happiness was everything. His gaze trailed to Lauren as she flopped down in a kitchen chair, her cheerful expression dropping for a moment as Viv carefully folded a paper napkin in half at Lauren’s direction. Lauren looked tired, and he hated to say it, a little worse for the wear. Her hair was coming out of its braid, her knees looked a little dirty, and she was kind of slumped in her seat.

  “She wearing you out already?” he asked.

  She straightened immediately and smoothed loose tendrils of hair back over her ears. “I’m fine. I just need to eat.”

  “What’d she do?”

  “Nothing beyond any other two-year-old.”

  “Uh-huh. I don’t know many other two-year-olds with her athletic abilities and spirited curiosity.” He said spirited loud enough to get Viv’s attention.

  Viv looked up and smiled, her chest puffing out with pride. “Spirited.”

  He nodded and turned back to the grilled cheese, flipping it over. It was what the last nanny had called her right before he fired her. “Such a spirited girl,” the older woman had said. “You need to get that out of her, make her conform to the rules.” He’d be damned if he’d ever break his
little girl’s spirit.

  “I like her spirit,” he’d returned. “You’re fired.”

  He’d reclaimed the word spirited to be a good thing in case the old witch had been telling Viv she was spirited in a bad way.

  Viv helped Lauren set out plates and cups. He finished up the grilled cheese sandwiches and served them up. He suddenly realized he didn’t have to do anything else. Lauren had taken care of the strawberries, milk, and getting Viv into her high chair. He took a seat, surprised to actually be able to eat while his lunch was still warm.

  Viv ate two triangles of grilled cheese, leaving the crust, but at least she was eating. Lauren asked him about his process for book covers and illustrations and he explained it as best he could, though he told her it was easier to show her. Maybe one day he would, if he ever got a spare moment and Viv was occupied.

  Lauren passed Viv a strawberry, who took a big bite, chewed, and then started crying, holding her cheek.

  “Let me see your teeth,” he said. “Say ahh.”

  She opened her mouth wide. Maybe he should’ve waited for her to finish chewing. In between the gross bits of chewed-up berry, he could see just the corner of both molars were poking through. The swelling was down a bit so the medicine was doing its job. He checked the time. Close enough to the time for the next dose. “I’ll get your medicine. Drink your milk.”

  “M&M,” Viv said.

  He stopped. “Do you need medicine or do you just want an M&M?”

  “Medicine,” she said. “M&M.”

  He exchanged a questioning look with Lauren. Had they taught her to ask for medicine just to get candy?

  “M&Ms are all gone,” Lauren said. “Just medicine today.”

  “You still want medicine?” Alex asked.

  Viv nodded.

  He left, but he heard Viv ask loudly, “Where M&M?”

  “I’m not sure,” Lauren said. “Maybe I left them at my apartment.”

  After medicine, Alex “found” the M&Ms and gave Viv one. Lauren helped him clean up the kitchen and left to change Viv. When she came back, she asked, “Would you mind if I took her to the playground this afternoon? I just think she needs to, you know, expand her horizons beyond home. She’s so smart and curious. I think she gets bored and makes her own fun.”

  He tensed. He’d wanted to get back to his art studio. “Just stick around here.”

  Viv took off, running up and down the hallway from the living room to the bedrooms.

  “She has so much energy,” Lauren said. “I wouldn’t take her far. I was thinking of the fenced-in playground at Baldwin Park.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “I wanted to do a little more work.”

  “You can. I’ll take her.”

  “She’s not ready to go out somewhere without me,” he said tightly. “I told you she’s only been alone with my dad before.”

  “Then we could visit your dad maybe?”

  He let out a breath, not ready for that either. Not without him. Viv came racing down the hall with a weird hat. Fuck. That was his underwear. He snagged it off her head and tossed it back in his room, shutting the door.

  He caught Viv mid-run and lifted her to eye level. “We don’t wear underwear on our head.”

  Lauren giggled, and he felt himself flush. The stuff that came out of his mouth now that he was a parent. He set Viv down and shook his head.

  Viv ran to the open space in the living room and started spinning.

  Lauren crossed to his side. “See how she entertains herself? But it’s not always good to have the same experiences over and over.”

  He watched Viv spinning, spinning, spinning. Didn’t take much to entertain her. “She’s two. She’s fine.”

  “I understand you have a close bond and that’s fantastic, but…” She trailed off as Viv landed on her bottom and swayed, but didn’t tip over. “I’m just saying I think she’ll be happier if she can expand her horizons.”

  He tensed, irritated she was pushing him. It was only Lauren’s second day. “She’s happy enough,” he snapped. “I do as much as I can,” he added defensively. As always, he felt the pressure of being a single parent to Viv and feared he was coming up short.

  Lauren put her hand on his arm and squeezed, the touch gentle and reassuring. “All I’m saying is a little more freedom would be good for her.”

  “If you’re not up to the task—”

  “No, I’m okay.” She smiled tightly. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to push something you’re not comfortable with. We’ll hang out here. Do you have some bigger outdoor toys like a tricycle?”

  “Everything’s in the garage. Door’s just off the kitchen.”

  They both turned as Viv stood, swaying unsteadily. “Whoa. Bizzy.”

  “I bet you are,” Lauren said. “Spinning can make you really dizzy. Let’s go get a toy from the garage.”

  “I’ll be in my studio,” he muttered.

  He left, feeling irritated and judged and still not ready to let Viv out without him. He was her protector and it was very hard to trust anyone else to look out for her the way he could. His dad was the exception, the only one he trusted. His dad had raised six kids on his own and mentored a lot of other troubled kids who’d needed a father figure. Even Lauren, as great as she was, couldn’t take Alex’s place. What if Viv hurt herself? What if she was crying and asking for Daddy and he wasn’t there? He didn’t want Viv to think for even one moment that he wasn’t there for her. It was a vow he’d made the day she was born. He would make up for her loss of a mom by being her everything. He wouldn’t break that vow for anyone.

  He shut the door of his studio and put the music on. This time, things didn’t flow. He started a more detailed line drawing, screwed it up a few times, and felt suddenly immensely fatigued. He found himself at the computer, clicking over to Tammy’s artwork. He looked at it daily, an itch he had to scratch. Like him, she liked digital painting, though hers were superimposed on photographs. She’d taken pictures constantly, all around the city, none of them of people. All urban elements—graffitied buildings, vacant lots, broken sidewalks, garbage. Then she’d mess with them on the computer, painting them with different effects.

  He studied the pieces she’d made during their time together the most. Her reluctance to marry him had made him doubt her love. Sure, she’d told him she’d marry him once the baby was born, after he’d asked several times, but when he gave her a ruby engagement ring (her favorite gemstone), she’d worn it on a chain around her neck. Some part of him wondered what would’ve happened if she’d lived. Would they have married and been a real family?

  He clicked over to the last thing she’d created at nine months pregnant only two weeks before Viv was born, a picture of a vacant lot with one rose blooming in it. He hadn’t seen this one when she was alive and wished he had. It haunted him. The rose always made him think of the baby growing inside her, but then she’d painted the petals black. A dead rose all alone. Had she known she was going to die? Did she want the baby to die? Or did she feel all alone in an empty space, darkness closing in on her?

  He kept clicking through her work, looking for meaning and finding none. Sometimes she superimposed one image over another, making an otherwise innocent object look spooky. A knife superimposed on a grassy hill, broken glass next to a fluffy dog. It occurred to him that he never really knew her until after her death. She’d been full of energy, always on the go. By day she was a dog walker and part-time personal assistant to a wealthy eccentric woman. She saved her art for late night, her favorite time. He’d never realized the darkness in her until he’d studied her work as a whole. These images were the only material thing he’d kept of hers, transferring all of her work from her laptop to his computer. He’d been in shock with her sudden death and his own new role as a single dad, so he’d left going through their apartment to his dad and her parents. He’d told his dad he only wanted the laptop. She’d told him her password, Psychobitch101, when he’d first met her.

&nb
sp; He’d liked her forwardness, her unapologetic defiant attitude. He’d thought she was edgy and badass. She dressed in black, tight, revealing clothes, her blond hair dyed black in striking contrast to her fair skin, piercings running up both earlobes, her bellybutton, and small silver hoops through her nipples. A dragon tattoo breathing flames ran up her right side. She lived life her way on her terms until the pregnancy forced her to think of someone else. She’d hated having to wear maternity clothes. Her indifference to Viv had worried him. She called the baby a parasite sucking her life’s blood. He’d hoped her maternal instinct would kick in after Viv was born. Now he’d never know.

  His eyes felt gritty. He scrunched them tight, closed the Tammy folder, lay down on the futon, and was out cold.

  When he woke, he got himself some coffee and went to check on Lauren and Viv. His little girl never gave him a moment to wallow in the past. It was probably the only thing that had kept him going in those early days. He saw them through the large front window of the living room. Lauren was pushing Viv by the handle of her red plastic car down the sidewalk of their block. Viv looked happy, steering and occasionally slapping the horn. He smiled, as he always did at Viv doing her thing.

  He stepped outside to a hot June day. Viv was in the shade provided by the roof of the car, but what about Lauren? Had she been trudging up and down the sidewalk in the heat for the past two hours? Guilt pricked at him because he knew she was just trying to keep Viv busy and out of his hair.

  He caught up to them at the end of the block. Lauren stopped and wiped a sweaty tendril of hair back from her face. “Hi. We’re just taking a drive.”

  “Go!” Viv hollered, slapping the horn in the middle of the steering wheel.

  He bent down to Viv. Her doll, Dolly, with the chopped-off yellow hair was in the passenger seat. “You’re stopping for gas while I talk to Miss Lauren.”

  Viv nodded and got quiet. He pretended to put a gas pump to the side of the car. He turned to Lauren flushed from the heat, her hair coming out of its braid in soft tendrils. He suddenly wished he could bring her back to the studio and sketch the soft curves and lines of her beautiful face. His gaze caught on a trickle of sweat running down the side of her neck. He had the urge to lick it.