His dad broke the silence. “I know you sometimes wish Tammy was here to be Viv’s mom.” He paused and then asked gently, “Do you think she would have loved Viv the way you do?”
He stared, surprised at the question. “You think she wouldn’t have?”
His dad’s lips formed a flat line. “I don’t know. I just wonder if Viv missed out on as much as you seem to think she did.”
Alex took a long drink of water and stared at the glass. “Tammy was indifferent,” he admitted. “She called the baby a parasite.” He lifted his head. “I’d hoped after Viv was born, the maternal instinct would kick in.”
“Not everyone has that maternal instinct. Especially not to the degree Lauren has it. She’s exceptional.”
His heart kicked hard at the mention of Lauren, even though he was trying to talk about her in a roundabout way. “I guess.”
“I mean look at your own mom.”
He clenched his jaw. “Heartless bitch.”
His dad started. “Hey now. Your mom wasn’t completely heartless. She loved you in her way. It just wasn’t the way you might want a mom to love you.” He took a drink of water and shook his head. “I’m sorry. I wish things had been different for you kids.”
“It’s not your fault.”
His dad nodded. “Thanks.” He met Alex’s eyes with a sympathetic look. “I didn’t know Tammy all that well, but I gotta say I didn’t see a lot of love from her in your direction either.”
Alex let out a long breath. “I know. I think she was planning on dumping me; she kept talking about hitchhiking to California, knowing I didn’t want to leave the city. I convinced her to stay until the baby was born.” And then she died, never seeing her daughter. The guilt pressed down on him again, making it hard to breathe.
His dad clapped a hand on his shoulder. “I’ve told you this before and I’m telling you again, what happened with Tammy wasn’t your fault. Until you can forgive yourself—”
“How can I ever forgive myself for robbing Viv of her mom?” he exclaimed.
His dad squeezed his shoulder before dropping his hand and letting out a long sigh. “I hate to say it, but you have mother issues. Your mom left, Viv’s mom left, through no fault of her own—”
He interrupted, the old bitter self-recrimination returning. “My fault. I got her pregnant; I convinced her to have the baby.”
His dad pinned him with a hard look. “Again, it takes two for both of those things. The fact is you saved a life—Viv’s. And Tammy’s death, though tragic, was nobody’s fault. Not yours. Not Viv’s. Not the doctor’s. Random bad luck.” Tammy had to be put under general anesthesia quickly for the C-section because Viv’s heart rate had dropped. Then Tammy had a bad reaction to the anesthesia, her heart stopping. They tried to revive her. And failed.
He swallowed hard.
“Alex?”
“Yeah.”
His dad waited until he met his eyes before saying, “Please hear me. When you can stop blaming yourself for what happened with Tammy, then you can move on and have a good life for both you and Viv.”
That good life couldn’t happen without Lauren. They needed her. “Lauren is perfect for Viv.”
“What about for you? Is Lauren the person that’ll make you happy?”
He stared at the table. “She’s too good for me.”
His dad slapped the table, startling Alex. “Then you be too good for her. You can put some effort in, right? Wine her, dine her, make her feel special.”
His dinner with Lauren had ended in bed. Somehow sex had muddled things between them. Now that he thought about it, most of his past relationships had been based on sex. He had to figure out a better way to connect with Lauren. Fast.
“I have off until Monday,” his dad said. “I’ll babysit every night Thursday through Sunday and then every Saturday night until the end of summer. You think that’ll give you a head start?”
He gave his dad a small smile. “So I should date the woman I want to marry?”
“Marry?” his dad exclaimed.
He lifted his palms. “I asked her. I thought it all made sense. We both love Viv. We’re compatible.”
“But she said no, I’m guessing.”
He dipped his head. “She said no.” She wanted him to love her. If anyone deserved love, it was Lauren, yet something held him back.
“It’s harder for you now,” his dad said quietly. “To love someone, I mean, after losing Tammy the way you did.”
He stared at his dad for a moment, the truth of that statement sinking in. He’d thought he’d moved on, but he was still stuck there in the grief and loss and guilt. The birth, Tammy open on the table, blood everywhere, the monitors blaring, doctors and nurses shouting, the baby crying. He closed his eyes and tried to push down the memories. Tammy’s black rose from her last artwork formed in his mind. He still looked at her work daily, especially the work from when she was pregnant. A series of bleak pictures—lone objects, abandoned lots—finishing with the black rose in an empty lot. How could she feel alone when he was right there with her? When she was carrying their baby? The black rose meant death and mourning. Did she leave that clue for him? A goodbye because she was leaving him and Viv? Why a black rose?
His dad squeezed his shoulder. “Have you been to the cemetery since the funeral?”
He shuddered. “No.”
“You need to find a way to say goodbye. To let her go and be at peace with what happened.”
He swallowed, his throat tight, his chest aching. There was no way in hell he was going to the cemetery. He was never reliving that funeral again. He’d barely made it through the first time, guilt so heavy he could barely drag in air. He never wanted to set foot in a hospital for the same reason.
“I’ll go with you if you want,” his dad offered.
Alex finished his water and stood. “Thanks but no.”
“Okay,” he said quietly.
Alex looked out the kitchen window, not really seeing anything, back in that dark place of self-recrimination. Guilt stabbed at him. Viv had lost so much. Tammy had lost everything.
“Don’t worry,” his dad said, “I’ve been putting in a good word for you every time Lauren comes to visit.”
He froze and slowly turned. “What’re you telling her?”
“I might have shared some baby pictures.”
“Dad!”
“And some original signed kindergarten art. You showed very early signs of talent.”
He groaned. “Anything else?”
“I trash-talked Ethan, Ben, and Marcus so she wouldn’t date them at Hailey’s singles mixer.”
“Dad!”
His dad winced. “I might’ve mentioned Ethan was a sex addict.”
Alex did a double take.
“Too far?”
He laughed despite himself. Ethan was not a sex addict. He was a flirt, but very choosy about who he was with. Now at least Alex knew why all the women were steering clear of Ethan at that singles mixer. “You didn’t just scare off Lauren with that one. All the women avoided Ethan that night and probably in the future too. Women talk, especially these women.”
“Damn.” His dad rubbed his forehead. “Try to help one son and you gotta go fix something with the other. I figured you needed it more. Okay, I know what I need to do.”
Alex shook his head, though now that he thought about it, all that trash talk had worked out nicely for him. Lauren had been doing her best to avoid the other guys’ advances, giving him the opportunity to make a move. “No more. I’m on my own now.”
“Great. She’ll be here in an hour.”
He stared at him in shock. He hadn’t had any time to prepare for seeing Lauren. He hadn’t figured it all out yet.
He worked for an even tone, since his dad had tried to be helpful earlier. “You invited her over again without telling me?”
“Maybe you should ask yourself why she didn’t tell you.”
“I have no idea. What does it mean?”<
br />
His dad stood. “Maybe she wanted to surprise you. Maybe she just wants to get to know you without you proposing marriage. Geez, Alex, I can’t believe you proposed marriage so soon. Not that I don’t love that girl, sweet as they come.” He shook his head, smiling at the thought of Lauren, it seemed. “You need to treat her extra special. Like a queen.”
“Like a queen,” he echoed, not at all sure how to do that.
His dad picked up the bowl of fruit salad and a serving spoon before heading for the back door. He stopped and called over his shoulder, “You’ll figure it out.”
Alex followed him outside. Everyone was there. Viv must’ve got tired of basketball. He did a quick survey of the guys, trying to figure out which one of them might be helpful in the whole nailing-down-a-relationship thing. He held onto a thin hope that, even though he didn’t entirely have his shit together, Lauren wouldn’t quit on him just yet. He couldn’t lose her so soon. Josh didn’t do relationships. At least not any that Alex knew about. Park and Mad were here now, but damn, it had been so easy for Park. Mad had worshipped him since she was a kid. All he had to do was return the favor. Logan had one serious relationship in college and had never quite gotten over it. That was a sore subject. So that left Ty. Exuberant over-the-top Ty. Ah, hell. What did Alex have to lose?
Alex had only taken a few steps when Ty met up with him apparently on his way out. “You need anything at the store?” Ty asked. “I’m going on a veggie run. I want to make Charlotte a kale smoothie.”
Alex fought his gag reflex at the thought. “I’ll go with you. Give me a minute.”
He met up with his dad, asking him to keep an eye on Viv, kissed Viv goodbye, and then joined Ty at his new minivan. Ty spent the first several minutes of the drive extolling the safety features of the car in excruciating detail.
“Wow,” Alex muttered.
“I know she’s not much to look at, but she’s number one in safety from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety.”
“So important for a family.”
Ty flashed a smile. “You get it.”
It was only a short drive to the supermarket, so Alex didn’t waste any time getting right to the point. “How’d you get Charlotte from dating to a wedding?”
“Easy,” Ty said with a grin, “knocked her up.”
This was true. Also, not helpful. Alex was definitely not going that careless route again. The thought of Lauren pregnant and possibly dying made him break out in a sweat. He took a few deep breaths.
“Okay, let’s back it up,” Alex said. “How’d you get her from pissed off to all over you?” Alex remembered the first time Ty asked Charlotte out. They’d all been there at Garner’s. She’d turned him down cold, still pissed over something Ty had done the first time they met. Alex didn’t know all the details only that Charlotte had been pissed.
“Why?” Ty asked. “You making a move on someone?”
“Lauren.”
“She’s a sweetheart. Good for you. And Viv loves her already.”
“I know. I already screwed up twice with her. I obviously need dating one-oh-one.”
“Third time’s a charm,” Ty quipped.
“What did you do? Flowers? Candy?”
Ty flashed a smile. “Let’s see, I asked her to dinner, performed a stripper-style dance, took her on a sunset dinner cruise on a yacht…you know how that ended.”
“Yeah.” Ty somehow got the yacht stuck in the mud and they had to wait hours for high tide with no dinner at all. The local police had to rescue them.
Ty went on. “Yeah, so, after that, I made my intentions clear and she was mine, all mine.”
Alex thought about that. He couldn’t see how any of that applied to him, not even the dancing. He could only do a slow shuffle and a jumping Princess Kei-Kei and the Elves dance. Dammit. How did other single dads manage a social life? He had no one to ask.
“Why so glum?” Ty asked.
“I dunno.”
“Look, in the end, it doesn’t matter what you do.”
“It doesn’t?”
“Nah. Just go full steam ahead with good intentions. That’s something I told Char right up front. I always have good intentions even if it doesn’t come out the right way. Women are very forgiving if you’re sincere. Lauren especially strikes me as the forgiving type.”
“You think asking her to dinner is enough?”
“Absolutely. Be sincere, let her know you’re really into her.”
“How do I do that?”
Ty reached over, grabbed Alex’s chin and moved his jaw up and down like a ventriloquist dummy. “I’m really into you, Lauren.”
Alex slapped his hand away. “Idiot.”
“It really is that easy. Use your words.”
Alex rolled his eyes. He’d already done that, stupidly blurting a marriage proposal. Too much, too fast. But he couldn’t shake the feeling he was running out of time. Like it was urgent that he secure Lauren as a mom for Viv. Fuck. His dad was right. He did have mom issues. And Tammy issues. No wonder Lauren pushed him away. He was a mess.
After a quick trip to the produce section of the supermarket for a ton of green leafy vegetables, they headed back home. Alex had a lot tumbling through his head—Lauren, his talk with his dad, his talk with Ty. Halfway home, he told Ty, “Dad says I have mom issues.”
“Ha! Don’t we all? Having your mom bail when you’re just a little kid will do that for you.” Ty had been six.
“So how’d you get past it? I mean, you seem so happy now.”
“I am. I just decided there was nothing I could do about it. She made her choice. We have family around us. Lots of family and the guys.” He paused. “You probably know this already, since you have Viv, but having a family of your own is like a second chance to experience the whole family thing.”
“Yeah, but Viv doesn’t have a mom, so it’s not like a real family.”
“Sure it is. You think because we just had Dad that we weren’t a real family?”
He sucked in a breath. He’d never thought about it like that. “No, you’re right. Dad made it a real family.”
“Damn straight. But what I meant about having a second chance at the family thing is you get to experience the joy of being a kid right along with Viv and give her everything you would have wanted.”
He stilled. That was exactly the problem. He saw himself in Viv, motherless, and wanted to give her what he wanted so badly as a kid—a mom. But Viv had never known her mom. Not like him and his brothers and sister. He knew and lost his mom. It hurt. Neither situation was ideal for him or Viv, but Viv only ever knew him as her main parent. Was it possible that Viv didn’t long for a mom at all? No, it couldn’t be. Everyone needed a mom. Right?
Ty went on. “I can’t wait for our baby—” He stopped himself and pointed to the sky. “No early deliveries, stork.”
He tuned out as Ty launched into all the requirements for good prenatal nutrition. Alex threw in a few murmured uh-huhs, but was otherwise quiet, reeling over the realization that he’d projected his own longing for a mom on Viv. He still wasn’t sure what it all meant. What did Viv really need?
Ty parked in front of their dad’s house. Alex stepped out of the car and chills ran down his spine. Viv was wailing, loud sobs interrupted by, “Daddy! Daddy! I want Daddy!”
His adrenaline surged and he ran full speed to the backyard. He found his dad holding Viv in a chair. Lauren was there, kneeling at Viv’s side, trying to comfort her.
“Viv,” he said, but she didn’t hear him or see him.
Her eyes were scrunched tight as she let out another long wail. “Daddy!”
“She only wanted you,” Lauren said.
He scooped up Viv. “I’m here. Daddy’s here.” He tucked her against his chest and rubbed her back. The sobs were terrible, but she didn’t sound like she was in serious pain. “What happened?” he asked his dad.
His dad stood and indicated Viv’s temple, which had a bright red spot. No swel
ling. “She whacked herself with the bat by accident during tee-ball.” It was a plastic bat.
Alex’s heart slowed as Viv quieted to sniffling sobs. It hit him that she needed him. Not Lauren. Him. He gave Viv a little squeeze and then pulled back to inspect the red spot again. “No blood,” he told her. “You’re okay.”
She popped a thumb in her mouth and settled on his chest. Content.
Why was he trying to force the mom thing? Viv was content with him.
He was enough.
He dropped a kiss on top of Viv’s head. They were enough. They were a real family.
Chapter Eighteen
Lauren’s heart squeezed seeing the tight bond Alex and Viv had. It made her love him even more. She wished it weren’t true, but there it was, somewhere along the way she’d fallen for Alex. Probably the first time she saw him dance with his little girl. She sighed and shifted to stand with her friends Charlotte and Mad. They were watching Ty and Logan, who seemed to be competing for maximum number of push-ups. Park was keeping score. Josh and Joe were at the grill.
Lauren’s gaze drifted back to Alex. He was sitting in a chair with Viv now, talking to her in a low soothing tone and Viv looked like she was nearly asleep, exhausted after all her tears.
“That is so damn sweet,” Charlotte said, looking at Alex and Viv.
“It is,” Mad said. “He’s always been so good with her.”
“He asked me to marry him,” Lauren whispered.
“What?” Mad and Charlotte exclaimed in near unison.
Lauren’s eyes stung and she blinked rapidly, trying to hold off tears. “He wants me to be Viv’s mom.”
It had only been three days since their massive hookup-breakup event. She never thought she’d be looking at her first marriage proposal and hurting over it. It was the way he did it. So casually, like some kind of contract almost. Like, you be Viv’s mom because we’re compatible. Not love, compatibility. But now the pain in Alex’s eyes was so much worse, like maybe he was hurting over her and Tammy, trying to bring Lauren close to take the place of the other. Her stomach churned. She never wanted to add to Alex’s pain.
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