A Matter of Choice

by Laura Landon

  He was here.

  She said a silent thank you, then slowly turned— slowly lifted her gaze upward.

  He stood there. Every bit as handsome and breathtaking as he’d been the first time she’d seen him. No wonder he’d earned such a scandalous reputation. What woman could resist his inordinate charm?

  He’d pulled his dark hair back from his face, portraying every noble feature with stark boldness. His high cheekbones, the severe cut of his jaw, the straight line of his dark, hooded brows—every one of his distinguishing features as perfect as any God had ever created.

  But there was a wariness in his gaze, a confusion. A resignation. As if he, too, had come to the conclusion that her reason for wanting him here tonight was because she intended to publicly humiliate him.

  He raised his shoulders and lifted his chin.

  She knew by looking at him that he would allow it. She could see his willingness to accept his punishment in front of the ton.

  Then, his gaze narrowed and his intense expression focused on her in warning. She read his mind. Knew his thoughts.

  She could do as she willed this once. Because he understood how important Society’s opinion was to her. But this would be the final concession he would allow her.

  She locked her gaze with his and watched for any reaction. She saw nothing.

  His face remained impassive, his long, muscular legs braced wide, his back rigid and straight, his broad shoulders set.

  She concentrated on any expression she might see in his eyes, but knew he would reveal nothing.

  She would have to make the first move.

  With stoic determination, she lifted the hem of her skirts and took the first step.

  +++

  Joshua watched her make her way toward him, slowly, cautiously, step by step. There were nine steps in all and his heart pounded harder with each step she climbed. He’d never seen her look more beautiful. Never wanted to reach out his arms and hold her like he did right now. Yet, the closed look on her face warned him that his worst fears were about to be realized. He’d known she insisted he attend only because she wanted to publicly humiliate him like he’d publicly humiliated her.

  He’d concede to her tonight. But never again. He wasn’t sure he could survive the degradation this one time. Let alone again.

  All eyes focused on her as she neared him, the looks of anticipation obvious. As if everyone knew what she was going to do. As if everyone expected to see the culmination of one of the biggest scandals in years. The retribution of a woman scorned.

  The total humiliation of one of London’s most renowned rakes.

  Having an unfaithful husband had been her greatest fear. Taking the chance that Society would find out she could not satisfy her husband either in bed or out had been the reason she’d avoided marriage as desperately as she had. And he’d turned her greatest fear into a reality. He’d been the kind of husband she was most terrified of having.

  She was almost to him. Two more steps and she would be level with him, standing so close he could reach out his hand and touch her. Oh, how he ached to. How he wanted to place his palm against her soft cheek and have her lean into him. How he wanted to run his fingers through her hair and let its silky weight sift through his fingers. How he wanted to gather her in his arms and hold her because that was where she belonged.

  He didn’t move. He stood with his hands at his side while all of London remained transfixed on the two of them.

  She took the last step and stopped. Her gaze lifted to meet his.

  Not a sound could be heard. Not a whisper or a sigh or the clearing of a throat. Not the clink of a glass or the plunk of a violin string or the swish of satin rubbing on silk. Not one sound. No one wanted to miss one word of the exchange between the two.

  He waited.

  She stepped up to him, standing so close the hem of her gown wrapped around his ankles. He tried to read her face, tried to see through the closed, hooded expression she wore. But couldn’t.

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t come.”

  Her voice was steady and clear. Loud enough so that no one standing below could miss one word.

  “I wasn’t given a choice.”

  “I thought it might come to that. But I had faith Lord Chardwell could convince you.”

  “I’m not sure I should have let him.”

  Her brows lifted upward. “Then why did you?”

  He tried to smile but wasn’t sure how convincing he was. “I don’t know. Perhaps because I had to know for sure.”

  “I see.”

  She stared at him as if she were searching past the facade that had been such a part of him when they’d first met. Beyond the hurt he was determined to conceal. To the very core of him, where the slightest glimmer of hope stared back at her.

  He couldn’t stand the torture of waiting to hear her verdict any longer. He sucked in a deep breath and said, “Perhaps you should get this over.”

  “Very well. But surely you know the reason it must be so public. The reason none of this could be handled in private.”

  “Yes. I think I do.”

  She nodded. “I want not only you, but everyone here to know what a tragic mistake I made.”

  Mistake. She wanted everyone to know what a mistake marrying him had been.

  Joshua lifted his chin while he stoically waited for the blow he knew was coming.

  “I want everyone to know I had a choice to make and chose wrongly.”

  A weight dropped to the pit of his stomach. Oh, please, he prayed. Just don’t let her say she didn’t love him. That she never had.

  “I want everyone to know the fault is—”

  A loud crash interrupted her words. She spun around, her gaze darting to the commotion behind her.

  He froze.

  A terror unlike anything he’d known before gripped every muscle in his body as his father stumbled toward them. He reached out and pulled Allison safely out of his father’s reach.

  There was a wild look in the Duke of Ashbury’s eyes, his clothing askew, his hair disheveled and uncombed, his face contorted with fury. He staggered near them as if drunk, yet not from liquor, but from a bitter hatred that had left him unstable.

  The deep frown on his father’s forehead pulled his thick, dark brows together in a menacing threat. There was no sign of kindness or rational thought, but only a murderous look in his eyes.

  And a pistol clutched in his hand.

  The crowd below gasped. The gathering of women shrieked in alarm.

  When Joshua looked into his father’s eyes, the duke’s intent was obvious.

  He saw the hatred. Realized his murderous intent. And knew his father intended to kill him.

  The duke slowly raised his arm and pointed the barrel at the middle of Joshua’s chest.

  Joshua pushed Allison further behind him.

  A malevolent smile crossed his face as he moved his finger against the trigger.

  “No!” Allison cried out.

  Her scream cut through the murmurs from below.

  Joshua tried to keep her where she’d be safe, but before he could get a firm grip on her, she bolted from behind him and stood midway between him and his father. Directly in the path of his father’s bullet.

  “Allison!”

  Fear gripped him with an iron fist.

  A look of shocked surprise paled the duke’s face and Joshua reached to push her away. His father’s roar stopped him.

  “Stay away from her!”

  Another round of sharp cries and loud gasps echoed as the terrified crowd reacted to the scene playing out before them.

  His father looked confused, disoriented. His hand wavered as his gaze darted from one side of the room to the other. An angry expression covered his face, a furious look because his plan to kill Joshua had been thwarted by a mere woman.

  “Get out of the way!” the duke bellowed, motioning for Allison to step to the side.

  Her face lost more of its color but she held her
ground. “No.”

  He swung his pistol through the air. “Move, damn you! Or I’ll kill you, too.”

  Joshua’s heart thundered in his chest. “Move, Allison. Go down with the rest of your family. Now.”

  She ignored him and took a step closer to the duke. “Please, Your Grace. Perhaps we could talk privately.” She took another step. “If you’ll just come with—“

  “Fool!” Ashbury roared. “He’s not worth risking your life to save.”

  She stopped. “Oh, but he is, Your Grace. He is.”

  Joshua’s heart skipped a beat. The crowd gasped in disbelief.

  “Do you think I won’t shoot you?” Ashbury waved his gun in the air. “This is your fault, you know.”

  Joshua struggled against the panic. Against the terror that told him how close he was to losing her. “None of this is Allison’s fault. It’s mine. Mine alone.”

  “No! It was her dowry that saved you.”

  From the corner of his eye, Joshua watched Chardwell make his way toward them. If he could keep his father talking, perhaps Chardwell would have a chance to disarm him.

  “I couldn’t save it, Father. Haven’t you heard? I lost it all.”

  The demented sound of his father’s laughter echoed throughout the ballroom. “You fool! Don’t you realize why you’re here?”

  His father steadied the gun, leveling it to the middle of Allison’s chest.

  “No, Father. Why am I here?”

  “She’s taking you back! And she’s invited half of London to witness it so there’s no mistaking her feelings for you.”

  The crowd below them murmured in hushed tones.

  “Allison has no feelings for me. She—”

  “She loves you! Anyone can see that. And you love her!”

  Joshua turned his gaze to Allison.

  She loved him.

  He saw it in her eyes. He’d known it, of course, but it had never been more obvious than now.

  A lifetime of emotion flickered in her gaze as she stared at him, then she took another dangerous step toward his father.

  “Allison, no!”

  She didn’t heed his warning.

  “Yes, Your Grace. I love him, and I won’t let you kill him.”

  A fear unlike any Joshua had ever known consumed him. “Allison, step away.”

  His father ignored Joshua’s efforts and waved his pistol, aiming it again at Allison.

  “You think you can protect him?” he slurred. “You think I don’t have the courage to kill you, too?”

  “You are the Duke of Ashbury. I think you are far too noble to harm a woman.”

  Ashbury shook his head from side to side, then roared a pathetic cry of dismay. “You weren’t supposed to take him back.”

  “I almost didn’t,” she interrupted. “Until I realized that your son would never break the promise he made me.” She looked out over the awe-struck crowd. “The scene I walked in on was a sham,” she said loudly. “Lady Paxton drugged my husband to make it look as if the two of them were having an affair.” She turned again to face Ashbury. “I’d simply like to know how you forced Lady Paxton to participate in your plan.”

  A sinister grin lifted the corners of the duke’s mouth. “Everyone has at least one secret they’ll do anything to keep the world from discovering.”

  “You blackmailed her?”

  “I did what I had to do so he wouldn’t get everything. It’s Philip’s! Philip was supposed to have it!”

  The duke pointed his gun again, but his grip was as unsteady as a flag flopping in a windstorm. “You weren’t supposed to take him back! He was supposed to lose everything!”

  “He’ll never lose it. Because I love him. And he loves me.”

  The gasp from the crowd sucked the air from the room.

  She turned. “I was wrong, Joshua. You told me you loved me and I doubted you. I never should have.”

  She turned again to face his father. “I invited everyone tonight because I wanted the world to know that I love your son.”

  “Fool!”

  His father’s composure slipped and Joshua struggled with the riot of emotions that erupted inside him. “Allison, step back.”

  “I won’t let him kill you.” She stood firmly in front of the duke.

  A look of demented terror filled his father’s gaze.

  “Why couldn’t it have been you? Why did Philip have to die? He was to have it all. Not you.”

  His father’s gun hand lifted and Joshua stepped to the side. Away from Allison.

  The gun in his father’s hand followed him, and without hesitation, his father fired.

  “No!” Allison screamed as she lunged forward.

  Joshua tried to shield her but before he could push her out of harm’s way, the bullet struck. She staggered backward.

  Joshua gathered her in his arms while the room burst into pandemonium. Wild screams of terror erupted all around him, the roar inside his head adding to the din of confusion. The scene before him turned to a picture of madness. And there was nothing he could do to undo what had happened. He’d failed to keep Allison safe.

  “Allison!”

  At first she stared at him with a surprised look on her face, as if she didn’t understand what had happened.

  He pulled her close and held her tight as the color drained from her face. He lifted his hand from her back. His fingers came away dark and wet.

  “Why, Allie? It was supposed to be me.”

  A faint smile lifted the corners of her lips. “It was...my...choice.”

  She stiffened in his arms as if struck by a stabbing of pain. “Joshua—“

  “Shh, don’t talk. You’re going to be fine. I’ll take care of you.”

  He looked to where his father stood, restrained by Chardwell and Hartley. The duke’s wild, demented look appeared more like what he really was; a weak, disgusting picture of insanity.

  “What have you done?” Joshua demanded as he lifted Allison in his arms and carried her toward the door.

  His father shook his head. “It was supposed to be you. You! Your life for his.”

  “You fool! Killing me won’t bring Philip back!”

  Joshua carried his wife past his father. There was no other way to leave the room. Was it possible for hatred to be so strong, so corrosive? He looked at Allison’s pale, limp body in his arms and knew it was.

  “It should have been you,” the duke hissed again with even more bitterness than before.

  “I wish to God it had been,” he answered, his eyes blurring as tears burned his eyes. He didn’t stop but hurried to get Allison away from this madness.

  “She wasn’t supposed to take you back. You were supposed to lose it all.”

  “Don’t worry, old man,” he said to no one in particular. “If she dies, I will.”

  Joshua carried her up the stairs, his father’s voice echoing behind him, the loud demented bellows of a man consumed by insanity.

  “You aren’t mine!” his father yelled. “You never were. Only hers.”

  “Only hers!”

  Chapter 21

  Joshua paced the floor of the library, trying to avoid the worried expressions on Allison’s family’s faces. They were all there, as well as Chardwell, waiting for the doctor to tell them how seriously she’d been injured.

  “Do you require anything, my lord?” Jenkins asked from the door. “More tea?”

  He nodded, even though the thought of eating anything turned his stomach. But maybe someone else did.

  “It won’t be long now, Montfort,” Chardwell said, clamping his fingers atop Joshua’s shoulders. “She’ll be fine. She’s a fighter.”

  “I can’t lose her,” he said, needing to say the words. Needing someone to know how frightened he was.

  “You won’t lose her,” Lady Fortiner said with confidence. Allison’s other sisters agreed.

  “I never wanted to hurt her.”

  “We know you didn’t,” Hartley said. He had his arm aroun
d his wife’s waist and held her close.

  Each of Allison’s sisters stood next to their husbands. If nothing more had come from tonight’s tragedy, the attentive show of concern each husband felt for his wife was evident. Each couple stood with their arms around each other, as if to offer each other support.

  Allison would have been happy to see the gestures. She would have tried to use the opportunity to point out to her brothers-in-law how important fidelity was. He suddenly wanted to make the effort for her.

  “All Allison wanted was a husband who was faithful to her. Who was satisfied with the love she had to offer and didn’t seek his pleasures elsewhere.” He paused to look at each of his brothers-in-law. “I think that is all any woman wants of her husband. For the man she married to honor the vows he made before God. For her to be able to wear her husband’s name with pride. I know that is what Allison would tell you if she were here.”

  Tears ran down her three sisters’ cheeks. Looks of shame and embarrassment covered his brothers-in-law’s faces as they gathered their wives closer to them.

  His heart tugged inside his chest. Allison would feel good about what he’d said to her family. She’d feel good to know someone had pointed out indiscretions her sisters were too weak to face.

  He turned away and swiped at an errant tear that ran down his cheek. He didn’t regret what he’d said. He only wished she were here to hear it. And she would be if she hadn’t stepped in front of him to protect him from his father’s bullet.

  Joshua thought of his father. “Where is Ashbury?” he asked. Not that he cared. Not that it mattered to him one way or the other any more. He simply wanted to make sure he couldn’t hurt Allison more than he already had.

  “Several men escorted him home,” Chardwell answered. “He’s been confined to his house with guards posted at every entrance to make sure he doesn’t leave.”

  “Good.”

  He braced his hands against the fireplace mantle and dropped his head between his outstretched arms.

  Chardwell’s supportive fingers clasped his shoulder. “Why didn’t I see this coming?” Joshua whispered to his friend. “I should have known he’d lost his grip on sanity when he tried to bankrupt the estates rather than allow me to inherit them. I should have—“