Dizzy

by Jolene Perry

  “Thank you.” I hope he catches my sarcasm.

  “Sorry, that came out wrong. I take it things didn’t go well?”

  “Do you care?” I ask.

  “I don’t know. I mean, it’s weird for me to think of you with someone else. I still can’t imagine myself with someone else.” Traces of the sadness he’s been wearing are back.

  “Even Rachelle?” I try a smile. I’m not sure how it comes off.

  His cheeks seriously turn a little pink. “I don’t know. Is that weird?”

  “Yeah.” I nod. “But that doesn’t mean…”

  He holds his hand up between us. “I think you’ve made it clear plenty of times that we won’t ever be together. My ego really doesn’t need to hear it again.”

  I look down. “I’m sorry, James. Yes, it’s weird. I feel it.” I touch my fingers to my chest. “But it’s okay.”

  “We’re friends now, right?”

  “Yeah.” I nod. “We’re friends now.”

  “You really should do some girl thing with Alyssa, because I mean it. You look like hell.”

  I slug him in the shoulder. “Go find Rachelle and pester her, huh?”

  He sort of nods once and walks away—embarrassed again.

  Why can’t Dylan have an eighth of his persistence. No, a twentieth? Just enough persistence to stay on the phone for twenty more seconds? Who hangs up with NO explanation? Why did he think it was okay to do this to me?

  I go from feeling like shit, to being pissed. Over. And over. And over.

  ***

  Mom and Lora are in the kitchen when I step inside after school. Mom’s never home. Well, almost never. I stand just inside the front door, a little unsure of what to do with myself. Her eyes catch mine, and she comes straight toward me. I’d bet money on Lora, Alyssa, or both having called her.

  Her arms come around me without hesitation. “Wanna talk about it?”

  “No. I’m exhausted from talking.” My body rests against hers.

  “I finished the mac and cheese you like from the restaurant, but I added some extra spice for you.” Mom pinches my cheek like she’s always done and half jogs back into the kitchen.

  I let my pack drop to the floor and kick off my shoes. I head for my bedroom to get pajamas. Our movie is starting when I walk back out. How To Marry a Millionaire – the ultimate chick flick.

  Mom’s sitting with two heaping bowls of mac and cheese and two glasses of eighty dollar a bottle of wine from the restaurant. Normally it’s just for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I guess me looking like hell is an exception.

  “Sorry I haven’t been here, but you know I love you, right?” Her arm comes around me, as she kisses my head.

  “I know. Thanks so much. I…”

  “I know. You didn’t want to talk. When you do, let me know. Dylan’s okay. We found him.”

  Relief pours through me followed by more nausea because they found him, but he hasn’t called.

  Lora flops on the other side of me with a salad. I raise a brow trying to pretend to be at least half-okay when I’m definitely not.

  She shrugs. “I’m getting married in two days. I can’t be bloated.”

  I open my mouth twice to ask more about Dylan, but nothing comes out.

  Lora squeezes my shoulder a few times as I try to get my breathing under control so I don’t cry. I’ve never been such a crier in all my life.

  I slump back into the couch, take a long drink of the wine, and rest the huge bowl of spicy mac and cheese on my chest. The movie pulls me straight into warmth, comfort, my family, and distraction.

  Twenty-Five

  ~Dylan~

  Even though it’s freezing outside and I hate to be cold, I’ve been sitting on the deck since I got out of the shower. Yep, that’s right, a couple hours. But the cool, crisp air is not only keeping me awake, it’s also somehow keeping me from freaking out while Paul’s gone.

  I’ve been trying to judge time since he left. He was calling when he walked out. It wouldn’t take long for him to find her or to get a hold of someone who knew exactly where she was. If she gave a crap or cared at all and left right away, she could be here in minutes.

  My heart and head have been warring this whole time over whether I’m ready or not, but I wonder if this is something you can ever be ready for. Or if it’s something you just jump into, somehow navigate your way through, and then come out on the other side either better for it or more screwed up than you were before.

  Wow… maybe Paul’s not the only one who’s doing better at figuring stuff out.

  Lights chase each other across the driveway off to the side of the house. My leg starts jumping up and down as a car door opens and slams shut. Click, click, click, of heels sound on the pavement, and then she’s here, standing in front of me.

  She looks just like I remember. Young—she was always young, younger than dad. My eyes look back at me, but her hair is lighter than mine or Derrick’s. She’s all wrapped up in an expensive jacket, and I can’t help but wonder if she bought it herself. What does she do? Or does she stay home with other kids the way she used to stay home with us while her new husband works?

  All of a sudden, I am ready. I need this. No, I want this. Without a word, I walk inside. She follows.

  “Dylan,” she says, but I turn to her, holding my hand up to stop her.

  I plop into a living room chair, and she sits across from me on the couch.

  “Where have you been?” I say. There’s no emotion in my voice, and I like it that way.

  She’s fidgeting with her purse. “California first. Then back East. I’m in New Jersey right now. I’m head of my department—”

  “Family?”

  A small nod is my reply. It pierces through me, but it’s just another thing to add to the hurt she’s caused. The hurt I’m going to get over.

  “How long have you been back? You been talking to everyone but me?”

  “I just got into town when I saw you. Derrick started looking for me because of the wedding. I got a message. He wasn’t even sure it was me, but I had to come before I lost my nerve.”

  Before she lost her nerve? Heat spikes in my body. She stands like she’s going to come over to me, but the look on my face makes it clear she’d better not. I don’t want her comfort.

  She sits back down.

  “I’m not done.” My hand automatically moves up and rubs the back of my neck. I’m freaked out that my voice won’t work. I’m freaked out about what she’ll say, but I have to ask.

  The word is near a whisper. “Why?”

  “Like I said, Derrick called because of the wedding… I think he wanted closure.”

  It’s not what I meant, and she has to know it.

  “Why?” I ask again, scared of having the answer and not having it, too. “No bullshit either. Even if you didn’t love Dad, why did you leave me and Derrick?”

  I wait while she stalls. Takes a few breaths. Messes with her purse more. Her eyes look back at me shimmering more than they were before. When she finally starts to talk, her voice is so soft I have to struggle to hear her.

  “I… I had to get away. We got together young, got pregnant with Derrick. I wasn’t in love with your dad, but I tried… for you boys I tried, but I couldn’t make myself happy. When I—” She stops to rub her eyes. “I didn’t plan not to see you boys. I just had to go. Then I met someone, and I didn’t tell him. I don’t know why. Maybe I felt guilty, but I didn’t say a word. We got serious, and I still didn’t tell him. After a while, I’d been gone so long, I couldn’t come back. How could I just show up again in your lives? How could I tell him? Once we got married… pregnant. How could I tell him then that I had other kids out there?

  “Maybe it makes me a coward, but I convinced myself you guys were better off without my interrupting your lives after so long. That Jim and Sally were better off without knowing they had siblings they know nothing about…”

  So that’s it. I waited years for this, and it’s no
t even a real reason to me. She didn’t love Dad, needed a break, and left. Then some other guy—some other family—became more important, and she was too chicken, didn’t want the drama. That’s it.

  Sometimes there’s something so big in your life, something so monumental that you make up all these different, life-altering reasons why it happened. She was an FBI agent, involved in some huge plot and had to go to save the world. She was a fucking princess in some other country. Even though she left a note, she never really wanted to leave, but was forced. Something.

  It’s all kid stuff. Things I knew could never be true but always let myself believe because this was so huge to me. Now I see the truth isn’t so big at all. There aren’t reasons, and there doesn’t have to be. Sometimes, things just are.

  It’s so strange how one choice can derail so many lives. It was so huge to me, I expected her answer to change everything, but it didn’t. I guess that’s life, right? You never really know what’s waiting for you. You never really know what’s going to happen or why. You just have to be able to deal with it. Big or small. And I haven’t been dealing. I’ve been just as selfish as her, getting mad at Derrick for Lora, pushing Ziah away.

  Not anymore. Because to me, Mom’s just sad. I don’t want to be like that. Like her.

  She cries. “I wish I could change it. I wish I could go back, but I can’t. I’ve regretted that day so many times, Dylan. I’ve wanted to come back so often, just to see you boys, but I was so scared. I knew I didn’t deserve you.”

  I don’t hesitate to answer. “No, you didn’t. And you still don’t. Good luck with your family. I hope you don’t ever do to them what you did to us.”

  There’s nothing else to say. Nothing else to hear. When I let her out of the house, somehow I come out on the other side different. Better.

  ***

  I don’t get the door closed before two figures step out of the shadows: Dad and Derrick. They knew I’d need them, and they’re here. Hell, my brother left behind his fiancé the day before their wedding. Shit, the night of the bachelor/bachelorette party for me. For the Gibson Boys.

  Derrick closes the door as Dad pulls me into a hug, squeezing me tighter than I ever remember being squeezed. That easily, they’re forgiven. Nothing is forgotten, but forgiven.

  “Ummm, Dad. Can’t. Breathe.”

  He laughs, letting go of me.

  Derrick gives me a half hug, a twelve pack of beer in one of his hands. I look back and forth between him and my dad, who shrugs, giving me a smile. My dad may have turned a blind eye, but he has never, ever let me drink in front of him before.

  “We’re having a guy’s night. Derrick informed me it’s not a guy’s night without beer. Makes me wonder about what you two do when you’re together.”

  Guy’s night. The thought makes me smile.

  “Not me. It’s those college kids. Always partying,” I tease. Derrick gives me a playful push in reply before walking toward the kitchen. Dad and I follow.

  “It’s a bachelor party. We need beer for that. You guys have to know that one.” Derrick sits at the table.

  “I’m sorry, Derrick. For screwing everything up. You’re supposed to be at the party.”

  “Brought the party here.”

  “You’re supposed to be with Lora.”

  He shrugs. “She knows I need to be with you.”

  I nod at him. Lora’s awesome. I’m glad my brother’s marrying her. Glad she’ll be family.

  “Cool. She’s cool.”

  As much as I want to pretend it’s all okay, I can’t. Not without saying what I need to say. “I can’t forgive her. I don’t know what you guys have planned, but—”

  Dad clasps a hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to. And I hope you know her decisions weren’t about us or our worth.” Dad sighs. “It’s been a long time, son. I should have given your mom up a long time ago. Maybe if I would have, it would have been easier for you. That’s my fault, and I apologize.”

  Before I can reply, Derrick jumps in. “It wasn’t about forgiving her, D. I just needed to make my peace. To finally free myself of her before getting married. We never expected her to just show up like that. I knew you’d take it hard, so I didn’t want to tell you unless—didn’t know how to tell you—”

  “That’s the problem.” I cross my arms. “You guys never knew how to tell me anything. You always left me in the dark. How did anyone expect me to believe I could handle anything if you guys didn’t think I could?”

  “You’re right,” Dad says. “I just… you were so young. I wanted you to have those good memories. I wanted to hold onto your mom because I thought it was best for you guys. Or hell, maybe I just wanted her. You’re a man, Dylan, and it’s time I treat you like one. I’m proud of you, son.”

  I can’t find my words, but Derrick saves me. “Okay, okay. Enough of the sappy stuff.”

  He pulls out three bottles, opens one, and gives it to me. He does the same for Dad and saves one for himself. We all hold them up.

  “To the Gibson Boys,” Dad says.

  “And girls!” Derrick adds. “Well, at least Lora, and from what I’ve heard, Dyl probably wants to cheer for Ziah, too.”

  Dad shakes his head, but he’s smiling.

  I do want to cheer for her. Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with the James thing, but I know her, and I know I probably overreacted. And I like her.

  “Definitely to girls. And to growing up, getting over the past. Yeah, and girls.”

  We clank our bottles together and drink.

  Twenty-Six

  ~ Ziah ~

  I’m not sure what time I crashed last night, but this morning is the first day where my legs don’t feel like lead. Last day before Spring Break. The morning of the rehearsal, though with Dylan still MIA, I’m not sure what will happen.

  Dylan is too draining to think about. I’m mad and I’m hurt and I’m sorry. Those are some exhausting emotions to roll through day after day. I take a shower, spend some time on my hair, and even run mascara over my lashes.

  No mid-terms today. I already have an A in English, so I’ll be able to spend that class time buried in a book. I may just survive my day a little better than I’ve survived the week so far.

  Then Alyssa picks me up with James in the backseat. The drive is tense, but we’re all in the same car and no one explodes. The conversation rests on the weather, calculus, and biology. I take a deep breath when we hit the parking lot.

  “We survived.” Alyssa rests her arm over my shoulder as James jogs to catch up with another friend.

  “We survived.” It hits me hard. We’ll be able to be friends, and we’ll be okay. Not perfect, not the way we were before, but okay. And I guess that’s enough.

  School passes in a haze. We’re all half on Spring Break already. I check my phone like a million times, but I guess I’m sort of resigned to silence. And I’m starting to get nervous about maybe seeing Dylan tonight.

  ***

  Lora’s handling the cancellation of her rehearsal incredibly well. Like I’m almost suspicious as she chomps down on her fiftieth carrot stick since her dinner salad.

  “How hard could it be?” She smiles, but it looks a little forced. “I walk up the aisle. You all stand on either side. It’ll be fine.”

  “What about…” Dylan?

  “They’re driving back from the coast tomorrow morning. Sounds like he’ll be with them.” She studies my face more carefully.

  Hours before the wedding. “And you’re okay with this?”

  “I love Derrick. I want to be part of their family. So, yeah. I’m okay with this.” She sits back.

  “Wow.” Not only are we gaining a Derrick, their family is gaining a Lora. They’d better recognize how amazing she is.

  “You’d better go put on those heels and get some more practice.” She nudges me with her elbow.

  Yeah, I’d better because not only will I have to walk in those heels tomorrow, I’ll have to walk in those heels while ho
lding Dylan’s arm.

  Twenty-Seven

  ~ Dylan ~

  I’m freaking out. Yeah, I know. I should totally be over freaking out by now, but this time it has nothing to do with the wedding, Mom, or even wanting to run away from Ziah. It has to do with seeing her and putting it all out there with her again. It’s the second… third time I’ve had to do it, but she’s worth it.

  We’re both worth it.

  All I have to do now is hope she’s not with James.

  Dad and Derrick were obviously thinking ahead because they brought their tuxes with them to the beach house. Paul showed up, and now we’re all decked out on our way to Vista House.

  “Is she coming?” I ask Derrick.

  I’d been afraid to ask him before, but I need to know. Regardless, I’ll be good. I’m over it.

  “Nah.” He shakes his head. “It was never about that, D. I think I just needed her to know we’re good—that we turned out okay without her.”

  I nod. “Yeah, I can kind of get that.”

  “Are you nervous?” he asks. He’s in the passenger side of Mary. Dad and Paul are in Dad’s car.

  “Aren’t I supposed to be asking you that? You’re the one about to go down the aisle.”

  “And I’m seriously going to celebrate the hell out of it. I can’t wait, but that’s not what I mean. Rumor has it some stuff went down with you and Ziah.”

  A laugh jumps out of my mouth. “Rumor has it? Why don’t you just say Ziah said something to Lora who then said something to you? Dumbass.”

  I glance over and see my brother smirk at me. I wonder if I should feel weird talking to him about Ziah, or if he’s going to warn me away from her again, but I squash those thoughts quick. Somehow, I think we’re past that.

  “I like her a lot, but she was with James. I don’t know what’s going on.”

  Derrick sighs. “What’s going on is you reacting before you think, like always. She was upset, D. Talk to her. It’ll be cool.”

  We don’t get a chance to continue because I’m pulling into parking lot of Vista House.