Alpha Mail

by Brenda Rothert

  “Tori . . . ?”

  “Oh.” She grins at me. “Tori Stanton. I’m one of the front desk receptionists.”

  “Well, it’s great to meet you.”

  Two men are coming down the hallway from the other direction, one practically running. When I look at their faces, I recognize one of them as Isaac.

  “Hey,” he says quickly. “It’s good you’re here. This place is a zoo.”

  “Really?” I say a quick goodbye to Tori and fall in beside him.

  “The management team is trying to keep up with demand, but it’s overwhelming. No one has time for lunch and we’re all here late every night.”

  I suppress a sigh. “Why is this the first I’m hearing about this? That’s not the way to keep good employees.”

  Isaac shrugs. “We’re all getting overtime for it.” He stops by an office door. “I have to go. I’m actually double booked in five minutes.”

  “Double booked? How does that work?”

  He gives me a sheepish grin. “I talk to one client while texting another.”

  I cringe. “I don’t love that, Isaac.”

  “I know.” He puts his hands up. “But the phone call will be less than five minutes. I’m a pro, Sienna, you know that.”

  “And so modest.” I give him a mock glare.

  “Always.”

  “Let’s talk more when you have time.”

  He laughs. “You can catch me when I’m walking to the bathroom, maybe? Other than that, there is no time.”

  “Shit.” I wave at him and head for my office.

  Good thing I listened to my intuition and came here. Even though the New York office is booming financially, I need it to run smoothly. We’ll hire more people, stop taking clients—whatever it takes to get things on track.

  It was so hard to leave home and come here, not knowing when I’ll be able to return. Jack has been having seizures every day or two, and Carmen is barely holding it together. I hired home nurses to work all three shifts and also brought in someone to do the cooking and cleaning. At least I know Carmen has help, but I’m worried about her not having emotional support. Coop told me he’ll stop by often to check on her, which is something.

  I’m going to work hard to get things fixed here so I can get home. The New York management team better not complain about long hours while I’m here, because they got us into this mess.

  When I take out my phone to check email, there’s a waiting message on my screen.

  ROUGHRIDER16: Hey, did you make it okay?

  Crap. I forgot to let Ryan know I landed safely. I’m rusty on relationship protocol.

  SIENNAM: Yes. It’s a mess here. Miss you.

  ROUGHRIDER16: Me too. Hurry home.

  I bypass my own office, instead walking into the office of my New York branch manager. Her day is probably crazy already, and it’s about to get worse.

  Two weeks later, I have a newfound respect for Carmen. How she gets by on so little sleep, and still manages to smile, is beyond me.

  I’ve been putting in days that start at sunrise and end around midnight. My first move was to demote my branch manager and bring in someone new. That took several days of calling contacts for recommendations and interviewing candidates.

  At the same time, I was running the office myself. I quickly realized the New York manager needs not just one, but two assistants, and I started the hiring process for that.

  I Skype with Carmen and Jack every day while I eat lunch, which is usually only a fifteen-minute break. Seeing their faces on the screen grounds me and reminds me why I’m here. Carmen tells me the nurses are taking good care of Jack, which is good, but every time Jack tells me he misses me and reaches toward the screen, it guts me.

  My kingdom to hug that kid, I sometimes think in the middle of another grueling workday.

  By the time I’m done every night, I drop onto my office couch, too exhausted for more than a quick text to Ryan. We haven’t talked at all in the past two weeks, and in the moments I have to think about something other than work, I miss him so much it hurts.

  I miss his smile. His voice. His messages. His smell. All of it feels so far away right now.

  It’s Wednesday, and I’m helping with interviews for new alphas. I came back to my hotel for a quick shower, because I didn’t feel like my deodorant could work the miracles I was asking of it any longer.

  After drying my hair and putting on fresh makeup, I take the first clothes from my dry cleaning stack and put them on. When I catch a look the time in my peripheral vision, I do the conversion and realize it’s a little after six p.m. back home. I planned this shower around the hope that I could talk to Ryan.

  I call him, closing my eyes and saying a prayer he’ll answer.

  “Hey,” he says, sounding out of breath. “How are you?”

  “I miss you. So much.”

  “Me, too, babe.”

  The sound of his deep, warm voice is like a caress for my worn nerves. “Did I catch you at an okay time?”

  “Of course. One sec.”

  He must be covering the phone, because there’s a muffled yelling sound on the other end of the line.

  He returns and says, “Sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay. Are you sure you can talk?”

  “Yeah, I’m just at practice.”

  I close my eyes. “Of course you are. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “Hey, stop. I haven’t heard your voice in forever. Talk to me.”

  A smile tugs up the corners of my lips as I lean against the desk in my room. “I’m hoping to be done here soon. Things are finally shaping up.”

  “Good. I was pricing flights to come there this weekend.”

  “Ryan! It costs a fortune to fly last minute.”

  He laughs. “Yeah, and I could only come from Saturday to Sunday. And I know you’re working weekends. I was gonna be your coffee boy, just so I could lay eyes on you.”

  “Just eyes?”

  His low groan sends a shiver of longing throughout my body. “You want me to come? I will.”

  “Uh . . . do I . . . what?”

  “To New York, babe.”

  “Oh, that.” I laugh nervously. “I’d love it, but honestly, I’m working like eighteen hours a day.”

  Ryan hums his concern. “You have to be totally exhausted.”

  “Oh, I am. I fell asleep peeing the other day.”

  “Sienna . . .”

  “I know. But this is me, Ryan. I work hard.”

  “Yeah, but you need time for yourself, and for the people who love you.”

  Something in his tone hits a nerve, and I fire back. “I’m here for the people who love me, Ryan. I know I’m not an ideal girlfriend right now, but I told you—”

  Ryan cuts in. “Whoa. This isn’t what I meant, okay?”

  “Well, the guilt was already there, I guess. I’m not with Carmen and Jack, and he’s getting worse every day. I’m not with you, and we just started dating like five minutes ago. The only thing I’m doing well right now is work.”

  “Sienna. Take a deep breath. It’s okay.”

  I plow ahead, not taking a breath. “The money I’m making will pay for the care he’s going to need. I never used to talk to Carmen about this stuff, because she enjoys every day she has with Jack and doesn’t think about the future. And I get that, I do, but . . . I’ve researched, and eventually, he’s going to need a feeding tube. He’ll just keep declining and . . .” The lump in my throat burns.

  “It’s all right, babe,” Ryan soothes me in a deep, gentle tone. “Just cry. You can always cry with me.”

  I breathe out, my shoulders sinking as tears slide down my cheeks. It’s not just a few—within seconds I’m sobbing, letting go of the control I had a tenuous grip on all day at work.

  “I’m so torn,” I finally say, still crying. “I want to be there with them. She needs me. But I have to be here, making sure this new location is doing well. The money matters, and I don�
��t want Carmen to have to worry about it.”

  “You’re doing everything you can. Carmen and Jack know you love them, Sienna. Don’t let guilt take you down right now.”

  “It’s so hard.” My voice shakes, tears threatening to spill over again.

  “It’s one of the hardest fucking things anyone will ever go through,” Ryan agrees. “And I love you for your strength, but you don’t have to be strong around me.”

  “Ryan.” I sit down on the edge of the bed, grabbing a tissue to mop the smeared mascara from my cheeks. “I’ve been thinking all afternoon about this conversation. Telling myself I could hold it together until I heard your voice.”

  He sighs softly into the phone. “I wish I were there, babe. More than you know.”

  “I feel like we’re on the edge of something. Something amazing. But my life got turned upside down and there’s not even enough of me for Carmen, Jack and my work. I don’t have the emotional space to give you what you deserve right now.”

  I’m sobbing again, the unfairness of it all crushing me, making it hard to even take a breath.

  “Sienna,” Ryan says softly. “Do you want me in your life?”

  “Yes. So much. It’s like I’m drowning and you’re the only thing I have to hold on to and maybe have a shot at surviving.” My voice breaks with emotion, high and strained.

  “Then hold on to me. And I’ll hold on to you, too. I’ll . . .” His voice breaks the same way mine did, because he’s crying, too. He clears his throat and continues. “I’ll never let go. I know this isn’t like the start of other relationships, but the way you’re there for Jack and Sienna is one of the reasons I’m so in love with you. I’m all in, babe. Whatever you need from me, it’s yours.”

  I sigh softly and close my eyes. “I love you, Ryan. I wanted to tell you in person, but—”

  “Say it again.”

  “I love you.”

  “God damn, that feels good.”

  I sniffle, weak with relaxation now that my tension is finally released. “Thank you for . . . being you. And for loving me and not giving up on me. I never thought I’d have this.”

  “Me either. For you to let go like this, with me . . . you’re letting me be what I always wanted to be for you.”

  “I can’t wait to see you again.”

  “Me, either.”

  “So,” I try to sound nonchalant, but fail. “How much longer on the whole goodnight kiss only thing?”

  Ryan laughs. “You’re wanting more, huh?”

  “For fuck’s sake, yes. If we love each other, don’t you think we should . . . you know?”

  “No, what?”

  “Don’t play coy with me, RoughRider.”

  “Say it.” His tone is husky with desire. “Ask and ye shall receive, my love.”

  “Fuck. Screw. Make love. Several times. In many positions.”

  He inhales sharply. “Hell yes.”

  “Thank God. When?”

  “When did you say you’re getting back?”

  I try to calculate quickly. “I just need a few more days. Three, I think.”

  “So instead of going out the night you get home, how about if we stay in?”

  “Yes. I want that more than anything.”

  “Me, too.”

  I sigh heavily. “I have to get back to the office.”

  “See you soon, babe. Love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I hear the slightest groan from him. “Say it one more time.”

  “RoughRider, I’m completely in love with you.”

  #sweetandsexy

  I NEED TO see Jack first. As soon as my flight lands at O’Hare, I buy him some candy and a stuffed frog from the gift shop, then I race to the luggage claim, grab my bags and locate my driver.

  Eager as I am to get to Ryan—and I am very eager—I have to get in some time with Jack before that. Even though we’ve been Skyping, it’s not the same. I need to lay eyes on him. Run my hand over his soft hair. Hear his voice and reassure myself that for now, the little boy I know and love is still there.

  As soon as the driver pulls up outside my brownstone, he offers to bring my bags inside. I slip him a bill, thank him, and hurry inside.

  When I walk in the front door, instead of Carmen sitting on the couch, another woman is there.

  “You must be Sienna,” she says, standing up and offering me a hand. “I’m Lydia, one of the home health nurses.”

  “Oh, hi.” I shake her hand, my gaze wandering over to the stairway. “How is he?”

  “Good.” She smiles and I immediately like her. “He’s having a few mental slips, but overall he’s doing just fine. Carmen is helping him with his bath now.”

  “Thanks. I’m going to run up and say hi.”

  As I climb the stairs, the sound of Jack and Carmen laughing brings tears to my eyes.

  “Help me, Jack,” she says, imitating a deep male voice. “Get me out of here.”

  “I’ll save you, Han.” Jack giggles.

  I stop outside the door, the relief I feel making my shoulders slump forward. Right now, he’s okay. It’s a moment of joy.

  “Sienna, is that you?” Jack calls.

  “Yeah, I’m home. I missed you guys.”

  “You can come in,” Carmen says. “Jack’s up to his elbows in bubbles.”

  I round the corner and walk into the bathroom. Carmen is sitting on the edge of the tub, plastic Star Wars figurines lined up next to her.

  “Look!” Jack pulls what looks like a giant ice cube out of the bubbles.

  “What’s that?” I step closer and see that there’s something inside the round ice chunk.

  “Han Solo! We froze him in a cup of ice. Now I have to save him.”

  I smile. “Ah. Genius.”

  “Will you read me a bedtime story?”

  “Of course I will. How about a Pete the Cat one?”

  His eyes light up. “Yeah.”

  “Which one?”

  He considers, his brow furrowed with confusion. “I don’t know.”

  I exchange a brief look with Carmen. Jack always knows what story he wants. This is a reminder that we have a new normal now.

  “How about if I surprise you?”

  Jack nods enthusiastically and Carmen gives me a grateful smile. I do the quick Carmen well-being check I’ve gotten good at now. Face: tired, but not as bad as it sometimes is. Clothes: rumpled, but not stained. Hair: clean.

  She’s okay. Okay as she can be, anyway.

  I meet Jack in his bedroom, where I soak in the clean, soapy smell of him as he snuggles against me while I read him three books about his favorite blue cat.

  “Are you leaving again?” he asks after the last book, his eyelids drooping with sleepiness.

  “No. No trips for a while. I’m going to see Ryan tonight, but I’ll be here when you wake up in the morning.”

  “Good.” He yawns and I tuck the covers around him. “Did you know we have nurses here now?”

  “Yes. How do you like them?”

  “They’re nice.”

  “I’m glad.” I smooth the damp hair on his forehead aside and kiss him. “Goodnight, sweet boy. I have presents for you tomorrow.”

  His eyes widen and he grins. “Presents? Did you bring me an apple?”

  “No, silly. Why would I do that?”

  “Because you were in the big apple.”

  I laugh and reach down to hug him. There’s something to be said for treasuring every hug. Every laugh. Every good day. Most of us don’t know how long we’ll have in this life, but with Jack, we know. His whole life will be lived as a sweet, innocent little boy. I wish he could understand that loving him has changed me forever.

  “Goodnight, Jack,” I whisper, smoothing the hair back from his forehead again.

  “Night, Cici.”

  An hour later, I’m on Ryan’s doorstep, showered and dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved black t-shirt. I decided not to toil over my outfit, since it will be on the f
loor shortly after I walk into Ryan’s home.

  He lives in a modest, neat, nearly-new duplex. I take a deep breath and knock on the steel front door. As soon as Ryan opens it, I fly into his arms.

  I barely even got a look at him, but I saw a navy t-shirt and gray shorts. What matters more in this moment is how he feels. He’s warm and solid, our chests pressed together as I bury my face in his neck and take in his faint soapy scent.

  “I missed you,” he says in a low tone, his breath on my ear sending a shiver of awareness through me.

  He lifts me up and gently closes the front door with his foot. My arms are wrapped around his back, and I hold on with everything I’ve got.

  “You okay?” he asks.

  “Yeah.” My voice is muffled against his neck.

  I relax my grip and let me feet slide down to the floor. When I look up at him, his dark eyes are swirling with soft affection and hot intensity at the same time.

  “I was thinking on my flight about how lucky we are to be together,” I say, reaching up to cup his scruffy cheek. “If I hadn’t done that interview, and if you hadn’t seen it . . . and if Isabella Moore hadn’t shown up in my office that day while I happened to be chatting with you . . . none of this would be happening.”

  “I was haunted by what ifs for years.” Ryan gently grips my hips with his big hands. “What if you found someone and got married was the worst one.”

  “Love is actually pretty terrifying, isn’t it?” My lips are so close to his I can feel the warmth of his mouth.

  He groans softly and slides a hand up, cupping the back of my neck. “It’s kind of like jumping off a cliff while blindfolded.” He brushes his lips over mine. “But it’s also exhilarating.” Another soft kiss. “All-encompassing.” A long, lingering kiss that makes my heart race. “And completely worth jumping for.”

  When his hand sinks into my ass in a possessive hold, I moan and slide a hand down his chest.

  “I’d jump off a thousand cliffs for you, Sienna,” Ryan says, resting his forehead against mine. “You’re everything to me.”

  “Show me.” I step out of his arms and pull my shirt up and off over my head, dropping it on the floor.