Out of the Ashes

by Anne Malcom

  I jumped out of bed and almost tripped in my haste. I looked down. Motorcycle boots. He was still here. Of course he was. I hadn’t forgotten his firm promise in the moonlight. As much as I wanted to focus on that, I couldn’t. My mind was instantly overrun with the grim reality of the loss I had to battle through. That Lexie had to battle through.

  But first, coffee.

  Stumbling downstairs was hard through the cloud of grief that threatened to bring me to my knees, but I managed. The smell of bacon and coffee carried through from the kitchen, as did the voices.

  “Do you think we should wake Mom?” I heard Lexie ask.

  I moved to lean against the doorway to the kitchen and felt my heart flutter slightly.

  “We’ll let her sleep, Lex. She’ll wake when she’s ready,” Zane answered softly.

  He was standing at the stove, with his back to me, as was Lexie, leaning against the counter close to him. She was wearing her PJ’s and sipping from a mug. Zane was fully dressed, his cut resting on the back of a chair at the table.

  “Either that or her body will go into caffeine withdrawals,” Lexie joked with a lightness that held a note of sorrow. My girl was being strong.

  There was silence for a moment, the sizzling of the bacon the only sound in my small kitchen. I contemplated announcing my presence, but there was a peace in the silence between them, a companionable silence. I was loath to interrupt the sight of Zane doing such a domestic task as cooking breakfast, chatting to my daughter. It looked so natural. Don’t asked me how my little girl in her owl-printed PJ’s and a huge biker covered in tattoos, both standing in my kitchen looked natural. It just did.

  She peered at him over her coffee cup, still not seeing me. “Do you believe in Heaven, Zane?” she asked on a broken note.

  I choked up at the pain behind her small question. I almost pushed off the wall and gathered her in my arms. Zane was quicker than me.

  He moved the pan off the burner and turned to face Lexie. His hand moved to cup her face lightly.

  “Not sure about God, girl. Don’t believe in something that would cause so much pain to people that deserve a lifetime of happiness,” he stated roughly. “But I do believe those people, those good people, go somewhere better, somewhere they deserve,” he continued quietly, eyes on Lexie.

  She stared at him, blinking rapidly. “You think Steve and Ava are there?” she asked quietly with almost childlike desperation.

  Zane moved his other hand to cup her face. “Know it, darlin,’” he promised.

  She smiled weakly at him, then her eyes flickered over to me.

  “Mom!” she cried out, setting her cup down.

  She ran over to me and into my arms. I embraced the warmth of my daughter, and rested my head on her shoulder. My eyes met Zane’s, something passing through the two of us that I could barely swallow. I didn’t get to think too hard on it before Lexie pulled back, her red eyes searching mine. She seemed to pull herself together and plastered a weak smile on her face.

  “Zane made us breakfast,” she declared, gesturing to the table that was set. “And coffee. I’ll get you some,” she added, seeing me eye her cup enviously.

  She moved to the pot, leaving Zane and I staring at each other. Lexie seemed nonplussed at waking up to him in the house, making her breakfast on what could possibly be the hardest day of her life so far. Maybe that was why she was nonplussed. She also appeared to be clinging to the strength that seemed to emanate of his strong body. Whatever it was, she was acting like Zane had woken up with us every morning for years. I was only too aware he hadn’t. No man had. I wouldn’t know how to act with a normal guy in our domestic environment, let alone a burly, half mute biker. One that I was madly in love with.

  Before I had the chance to think on it, Zane closed the space between us, his hand going to my neck. He pressed his lips to my head softly. I sank against him slightly, reveling in the comfort of his touch, of the intimate gesture. His lips left my head and his eyes moved to mine. He searched them a moment.

  “Hard day for my girls,” he murmured, eyes moving to Lexie who was standing close to us with my coffee cup. For once, I didn’t feel the need to pounce on the coffee wielding child. Instead, I wanted to prolong this moment for as long as possible. Zane put his hand to the back of Lexie’s neck in a similar hold to the one he had on me.

  “You’ll get through it,” he promised. “Get to the sunshine on the other side.” He looked at us a moment more then released us, moving back to the stove. Lexie handed me my coffee silently. I took it and we watched Zane move bacon and eggs onto the table. That companionable silence descended once more.

  “We have placemats?” I asked, breaking it.

  Lexie and I both giggled at the absurdity of people like us having such an item. People who spent most of their time eating out. And when Lexie did cook something that didn’t have a thousand “superfoods” in it, we ate on our laps in front of the TV. The kitchen table was used for the consumption of coffee, pizza and sometimes the odd breakfast. Nothing needing placements. So we laughed. Zane stood there watching us, his eyes warm. When we had finished with our hysteria, he did that little half smile of his.

  “Yeah,” he said quietly to both of us, “my girls will get through this.”

  Whether it was his words, or our ability to laugh after having our hearts broken, or both, I believed him.

  “Do you believe in Heaven?”

  Bull’s eyes had moved from the pan to the beautiful and glistening eyes of a kid he was starting to think of as his own. No. He wasn’t starting to think it. He knew it. Lexie was his. As was Mia. That’s why it fucking gutted him to see the pain etched in Lexie’s face as she asked the question. Why it ripped him apart inside to see her collapse yesterday. Seeing Mia succeed in being strong for her daughter while she bled internally. Floored him to see how much strength they both had. Gave him strength, renewed vigor to fight his own demons.

  It grated him that this was a hurt he couldn’t save them from, protect them from. The first time he saw them in two weeks was when both of their beautiful faces were contorted in pain. He was thankful as fuck he chose to come back today, after realizing he could barely live two weeks without the woman who consumed his mind. The kid who lit up his life.

  “Not sure about God, girl. Don’t believe in something that would cause so much pain to people that deserve a lifetime of happiness,” he answered honestly. “But I do believe those people, those good people, go somewhere better, somewhere they deserve,” he continued.

  Bull didn’t believe in Heaven. Wished he could. Wished with every fiber of his being that he did. That might have made the fight against his own personal demons that much easier. Given him another weapon in his arsenal. To know she might be in that place, whole and healed from the horrors life had given her in her final hours. But the darkness that he welcomed as an old friend, the one inside his soul told him there was nothing but black. Nothing to help. Nothing to ease the guilt. Not that he’d ever educate Lexie on this fact. He’d tell a thousand lies about a kingdom in the sky to his last breath if that meant he could protect her from the hurt.

  “Do you think Ava and Steve are there?” she asked in a voice so vulnerable he knew he needed to give her everything he could to protect her.

  He cupped her face. “Know it, darlin,’” he lied.

  The look of relief on her face was almost enough to make him believe there was something else. Surely the universe wouldn’t be that cruel to take something away from someone like Lexie and not give her guardian angels in return.

  Her head turned. “Mom!” she exclaimed, and ran over to embrace her mother.

  Mia looked beautiful even with her frame sagging from the weight of her grief. Even wearing the weak mask she had to protect her daughter from the extent of her sorrow. She was the most beautiful fuckin’ woman he’d ever laid eyes on. Ever. And he knew it. She was. That thought stabbed him in the heart as he locked eyes with her over Lexie’s shoulder. She h
ad been beautiful. In every way. Inside and out. It was an innocent beauty. In a way her life had never given her pain, hardship or a rough road. Bull knew life had given Mia pain, hardship and a rough fuckin’ road. All the ingredients to chip away at beauty and ruin it. Instead it added to it. Made her beyond beautiful. A fuckin’ supernova.

  So when Lexie moved away from her mother he had no choice but to go to her. To lay his lips on her head. Feel her warmth. Smell her sweet scent. Give her any strength it was possible to give her. Because he would give her and Lexie every ounce of whatever he had left in him to give them sunshine, give them a smooth road. He already knew they were the only fuckin’ light in the pitch black that was his life. Made him think something could grow out of the charred ashes of his soul. He knew in that moment he could never live in the darkness again.

  One Week Later

  I sat in my car, gazing at the wrought iron archway in front of me, unable to move. My seatbelt was still on. I had barely been able to turn the ignition off, but I did. I couldn’t do more than that though, more than stare up at the building that I had grown to love in my short time in Amber. One of the many things I had grown to love. But now I couldn’t get how I could go in there. How I could still love it.

  It had been a week since the day I got the terrible news, since my and Lexie’s world, and family got a whole lot smaller. Since the morning that Lexie’s and my family also got bigger, with a biker giving us support that we wouldn’t have been able to survive without. Packing, flying to DC, planning a funeral, dealing with fake and inconsiderate friends. It was harder seeing the real ones, the genuine friends who had been a part of not only Ava and Steve’s life, but mine and Lexie’s. People we hadn’t seen in months, people who had come to support us. Somehow, that was harder.

  Dealing with the police was a nightmare. Having to go through interviews while they didn’t tell us a freaking thing about why this happened to Steve and Ava, only that it was a burglary gone wrong.

  Through all of it, Zane had been there, by our sides. Mostly silent, but he spoke when he needed to, when it mattered. He was always close to me, touching me as often as he could, claiming me. It would be hard to call it affectionate, but it was somehow tender, even though he stayed stoic and blank-faced most of the time. His tender looks were saved for me and Lexie. He didn’t shy away from giving gestures to show he was claiming her too. Brushing her hair out of her face, squeezing her hand, bringing her into his shoulder in the moments when she couldn’t smile through her grief. He had made it clear to the world, and to us, he was inserting himself in our lives, in our family. Lexie hadn’t questioned this; she had attached herself to Zane in a way that made me think she was claiming him too. She didn’t even blink when he stayed in the same room as me in the suite we had at the hotel. The suite he insisted he pay for when I realized I couldn’t stay in Steve and Ava’s home, the first home Lexie and I’d had after we escaped Hell.

  It was then, the first night in the hotel after the exhaustion of travelling and organizing the funeral, that I let Zane in on why I couldn’t face it.

  He had just made love to me. Nothing like the desperate, furious fucking we used to have prior to the party. Prior to him leaving me. This was a different kind of desperation. A desperation for him to imprint himself onto every part of me. Worship every part of me. Own my body. And my soul.

  So after he was finished I was lying in his arms, tucked tight into his chest. We were silent, like we usually were after we made love. I was only just getting used to being able to relax, to bask in the intimacy of the moment and fall asleep feeling safe, which was why we were normally silent. Zane, because he was well...Zane and me because I was too busy in my own head, enjoying the moment to bother with words. A first for me. So I was especially surprised when Zane spoke.

  “Weren’t your parents,” he said quietly.

  I jerked slightly, not only at the fact he was speaking but also at the fact the words seemed like we were already halfway through a conversation.

  “Pardon?” I asked, more out of shock than confusion.

  “Steve and Ava,” he clarified, shifting me slightly so I could meet his eyes. “They weren’t your parents. You speak about them like they were, like they were grandparents to Lexie,” he said.

  I tried to ignore the stab of pain that seemed to come with every thought, every memory of them. I failed. “They were,” I spoke quietly. “Parents to me, my best friends, grandparents to Lexie. Hell, Steve was the only father Lexie ever knew. They were my parents in everything but blood,” I told him.

  His eyes searched mine. “Your real folks?” he asked.

  I was surprised at this curiosity; he was genuinely asking. I couldn’t help but laugh without humor. “Who knows, probably wherever they can get the most drugs for the lowest price—rotting in the same trailer park I grew up in, most likely,” I said bitterly.

  Zane jerked slightly and his eyes turned hard.

  “Steve and Ava were everything to me. They were the only people to give me unconditional love, apart from Lexie,” I said honestly. “My parents,” I scoffed, “I’m loath to even call them that. They didn’t give a shit about me. I was merely a way to get some more money on the benefit, get their next fix,” I told him. “That’s why they fed me enough to survive, clothed me so I didn’t freeze. See, if something happened to me, I got taken away, so would a payday.” I shrugged. “I’m luckier than a lot of people I grew up with. They didn’t hit me, didn’t abuse me. Just barely acknowledged me.” I met his eyes, which seemed to be glittering. “I took care of myself since I was young enough to be able. Got out of there as soon as I could.”

  I skipped the part where I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fricking fire. Fire I didn’t even notice until it almost killed me.

  Zane was silent for a long moment. “Then Lexie?” he guessed correctly.

  I smiled. “Then Lexie. Best thing that has ever happened to me,” I told him honestly. Though the person holding me was quickly coming a close second. Not that I said that.

  He seemed to search my face for a while. “Her dad?” he asked blandly.

  I tensed. Zane hadn’t asked me once about Lexie’s father, which I had been glad about. He seemed to be protective of her since before we were anything, but his protectiveness didn’t seem to translate to a need to know about her father. Until now. My movement was not lost on Zane and his arms tightened around me. He frowned down at me.

  “Babe,” he said as almost a warning. There was no getting out of this one. I knew I had to tread carefully. Not only because the truth would no doubt turn Zane into a mindless macho ball of fury, but because the truth needed to stay buried. For my safety. Or more importantly, for Lexie’s.

  “Lexie’s dad was the first escape I ever got. First show of affection of love I ever had.” I paused. “At least my fifteen-year-old brain thought it was love.” I looked at Zane. “He wasn’t from a family like mine. They seemed happy. Loving. Normal. Something I craved. And when I got pregnant they weren’t angry, they supported me. Supported us. Moved me in, much to my parents’ dismay.” I wrinkled my nose at the memory. “It was the first time I’d seen them pay an extended amount of attention to me,” I told him. “Thought it was because they finally decided they loved me, finally muddled through their drug-addled brains to find some affection for their only daughter,” I scoffed. “Like always, they weren’t worried about me, but their paycheck.”

  Zane’s arms stayed tight around me and his gaze burned into mine. He silently urged me to continue.

  “His parents…Lexie’s dad’s,” I was careful not to say his name. “They sorted it. Moved me and him into a house next to theirs. Lexie was born, best day of my life,” I declared. “Never thought you could love someone that much,” I smiled. “I thought I finally had a family. It was okay for a while.” I struggled not to get gripped by the memories, not to go in too deep and betray too much. “Then it wasn’t. So I left. With Lexie, then found Steve and Ava. The
y only had one hotel then, wasn’t much but I was desperate for a job to feed me and my baby.” I didn’t add I was desperate for a hiding place. “And all of the big places wouldn’t take on a kid with no experience. Ava and Steve did. Gave me somewhere to stay, a job, a way to feed my baby.” I paused, trying not to choke up. “Finally gave me a family,” I said quietly. “Gave Lexie the most precious thing ever,” I added.

  Zane stared at me for a long time, his gaze hard and soft at the same time. His hand moved to lightly trace down my eyebrow to my jaw. “Didn’t think you could get any more magnificent,” he said hoarsely. “Stand corrected, Wildcat.”

  The reverence in his gaze, the emotion behind his words did it again. Even amidst the grief and sorrow, another little broken piece inside me melded back together.

  The softness of his gaze didn’t last for long. “Lexie’s dad. Wanna elaborate on what made you leave him, babe?” he asked with a hardness to his voice that wasn’t there before.

  I swallowed. “The blindness of first love wore off. I saw him for who he was, what he was,” I said honestly, hoping I didn’t have to lie too much. I couldn’t, not in this moment.

  Zane’s face hardened in suspicion, in a kind of pre-rage. “What was he?” he bit out through clenched teeth.

  I knew if I told him the truth his rage would consume him. He would probably try and find Lexie’s dad. No, he almost certainly would if I told him the whole truth. Whatever had happened between us lately, that pivotal change had showed me just how far he would go. I knew he would kill him if he knew what had happened all those years ago. As much as I wanted the asshole dead, I couldn’t risk it.

  “Not who I thought he was,” I said simply. “I realized he didn’t love me, didn’t love Lexie. Didn’t want a family, wasn’t what we needed so I left,” I lied.