Out of the Ashes

by Anne Malcom

  She raised her eyebrow. “Cutting yourself off from people you care about, people that care about you? That’s keeping her safe?” she said speculatively.

  I sighed. “The shooting, the club. I can’t have that kind of shit happening to my kid. I’m her mom. I’m protecting her from that. The main job they give you when they hand you a kid is make sure it doesn’t die. That day I almost failed in that basic job.”

  Lucy’s eyes softened. “Shit, babe. I don’t have a kid, so I don’t know what it’s like to love someone that much, to want to protect them from the world.” She paused, her eyes going far away for a second. “But that—what went down that day was once in a blue moon type crap.” She screwed her nose up. “No big, bad, biker males are gonna let that moon anywhere near their women again. They’d find a way to get up there and like beat the crap outta that moon if they had to.”

  “They will try. But the club, the way they live their lives? Chances of that stuff happening when you’re connected with them, it grows,” I told her.

  She looked at me a moment. “You’re right,” she said finally. “But most of the time the stuff worth having in life is the stuff that comes with the highest risk. Bet I could go my live without having kids, without findin’ a man to love ‘cause the risk of getting your heart broken skyrockets when you give it to someone else to look after.” She gave me a look. “I expect I could do that. You know, to protect myself from hurt. To protect my heart from dying. Problem is, if I did that, by protecting my heart from dying I’m also stopping it from living,” she said sagely. “Whatever your choice about the club, about a broken man who lives and breathes for you and your daughter, we’ll be here. If you let us back in.” She added the last part meaningfully. Something was working behind her eyes. Something that made me think her own advice had suddenly hit home. Most likely involving a very attractive man with an equally attractive accent.

  I stared at her. “Holy shit,” I muttered. “You’re Yoda in Manolos.”

  She laughed and it wasn’t delicate like I expected. It was throaty and I’m pretty sure there was a snort. Yoda did not snort.

  She stood, giving my metallic jersey dress and sky high heels a once over. “I’m guessing you’ve got somewhere to be,” she guessed correctly. There was no judgment in her gaze. No silent “you crushed a man’s heart and are now going out with another, you man-eating bitch”, look. Just understanding. I stood and quickly hugged her, feeling lighter knowing I didn’t have to say goodbye to the friends who already meant a lot to me. “Thanks,” I told her hair.

  She squeezed me before releasing me. “Cocktails tomorrow, all the girls. You’re there,” she ordered.

  I nodded.

  “You’re giving us the rundown on who you’re going on a date with. Then we can beat you silly for letting the other one go,” she declared.

  There was no venom in her voice when she said it, but I felt a stab nonetheless. With an air kiss and a wink she was gone, and I was left standing in the middle of the room contemplating whether I had actually fucked my entire life up two months ago.

  “Thanks,” I muttered across the car, my eyes glancing shyly at Clay. “That was fun,” I half lied.

  The date wasn’t bad. He wasn’t fifteen minutes late… only five. He was charming and interesting to talk to and hot as hell. The food was good, as was the place he took me. But I found myself miserable and forcing down the stuff that I should’ve been savoring. The jokes I normally would have found funny had me laughing in a way that sounded fake, even to my own ears. I was putting on a terrible show because the whole time my mind was on Zane. And on Lucy’s words. “You’re a shitty liar, babe,” Clay’s throaty voice informed me, turning my chin with a gentle touch from his hand.

  “Know you went through some shit,” he said, his gravelly voice somehow gentle. “Also know, even miserable, you’re fuckin’ different. Special. The kind of special I’m willing to wait for.” He paused. “So when you’re ready, call me. I’ll be waiting,” he murmured.

  And before I knew it, his lips were on mine. They were soft, gentle and the kiss was nice. Nice in a way I knew I would enjoy had I not been broken in pieces. Nice in a way that I knew he’d make some woman very happy with his superior kissing skills, his manners, his hotness and his incredible perceptiveness. Not me, though. That didn’t mean I didn’t kiss him back. It was like auto kiss. I had no choice. When a hot, rough and gentle guy kisses you, your body takes over.

  His mouth hovered over mine and I felt his eyes bore into me. “You need to get into the house now, babe,” he half growled. “Before I forget ‘bout being a gentleman.”

  I jerked back slightly at the roughness of his tone and quickly undid my seatbelt. “Thanks for dinner,” I said quickly, hand on the door handle His hand caught my wrist before I could escape.

  “Call me when you’re ready,” he ordered.

  I nodded quickly. I’d never call him. No way I’d ever be ready.

  He let me go, and I struggled not to sprint inside.

  It had been a long day. Like marathon long. As usual, I was surviving off three hours of sleep and three hundred gallons of caffeine. My dreams were worse last night. I kept myself awake until the early hours, torturing myself over my decision. Lucy’s words echoed in my mind, convincing me I had fucked it all up and made the wrong choice. Then reason came back in and reminded me how hard I had worked to keep Lexie safe, and not to compromise it for matters of the heart. Round and round it went until I fell into an exhausted sleep. Then, I jolted awake from one of my nightmares, and I was so sure I saw him there, standing in the corner of my room, watching me. I closed my eyes again, wishing for it to be real; then when I opened them again he was gone. I was officially hallucinating. Which meant I was going insane. I just had to hold off until Lexie was old enough to look after herself, then I’d take the one way trip to crazy town. Crazy people didn’t get lonely. Down to their bones lonely like I was. They had voices to keep them company.

  So, pulling into my driveway dog-tired and facing the prospect of cocktails with the girls, I completely missed the Harley in the driveway across from mine. Maybe I didn’t miss it; maybe I saw it and assumed it was one of my hallucinations. Whatever the reason, it didn’t register. I busied myself trying to position my bag and all the stupid office paperwork I had to take home while getting out of the car. Once I got to our doorstep, I stopped. Then everything—the events of today, the lack of sleep, the loneliness—everything hit me. I dropped everything at my feet and sank down onto the doorstep, replaying the meeting I had today. The one that may have just changed my life.

  “Left it all to me?” I repeated, dumbstruck.

  Heidi, the lawyer, glanced at her papers and shuffled through them. “Well, not technically all,” she clarified. “There are payments needed for the funeral, a couple of debts, and contributions to some charities, but after that, they’ve left it all to you,” she told me. “Their properties, both the one in DC and the one in Malibu, and the hotels, of course.”

  I opened my mouth then closed it again, unsure of what to say. Steve and Ava had left me everything. I knew they didn’t have any children, only Alice, and since she died there was only me. And they didn’t have any other family apart from me and Lexie. I should have naturally come to this conclusion, but one doesn’t really think about this stuff when overcome by grief. Well, not me anyway. I was too busy wishing someone would invent a time machine so I could go back and save the two people I loved.

  “And there’s an amount put away for an Alexis Spencer, in a trust for when she turns twenty-one.” She glanced at some papers. “Although there is an exception saying you can use the funds for college tuition before then.” She looked at me. “Though the amount they left to you alone could cover that anyway.”

  “The amount?” I repeated, obviously unable to speak unless I was parroting everything this lawyer said.

  She gave me a soft look of understanding before getting back to business. “Yes, you�
�ll be receiving roughly one point two million dollars.”

  I almost choked on my tongue. “Million?” I gasped.

  I knew Ava and Steve were wealthy. Their house was beautiful, in an upscale area and they had an equally amazing condo in Malibu. Steve owned four boutique hotels all over and they all did extremely well. They did well because he worked hard, came from nothing and put his blood, sweat, and tears into them. So even though I knew they had money, it was never something I thought too hard about. They didn’t act like rich people, and I sure as hell did not take a dime from them, even in my hardest times when I struggled to find a dollar to give Lexie to buy a candy bar. I was proud. Didn’t want charity. I knew it hurt them, which was why we got outrageous gifts every birthday and Christmas. I knew from the gifts, and from the fact that he ran all of those successful hotels they were comfortable, but a million dollars? Not counting everything else? Fuck.

  “I, um…” I stuttered, unsure of what to say.

  Heidi smiled at me. “I understand this is a shock. Nothing needs to happen straight away. We will need you to sign some things—transfer of ownership, things like that. Then we can organize the possible sale of the houses if you like. And you can also decide what you would like to do with the hotels. They’re running fine at the moment.” She glanced around. “As I’m sure you well know, Steve hires excellent managers. But you will need to give this some thought.”

  She slid a piece of cardstock across the table to me. “My card,” she explained. “When you’re ready.”

  And like that, it seemed Lexie and I had become millionaires. And I had become the owner of a small hotel empire. I contemplated it all while sitting on that step, my head in my hands. Ever since I escaped that day I worked hard. I wasn’t born into privilege; I was born into poverty. A lot of Lexie’s early life was spent near poverty, not that Steve and Ava would ever let it get that far, but I was stubborn. When I could afford to get a place for us both I did. I worked like a dog to make a home, however shabby it was. Studied hard while still working. And when I finally was qualified, it was still a struggle. Even prior to this day money issues were always at the back of my mind. Now, it was something I’d never have to worry about. Not about unexpected bills, mortgage payments, college for Lexie, nothing. And in an instant I’d give every cent of it back, welcome every one of those worries, if I could have Steve and Ava back.

  But I couldn’t. Something clicked in me. Lucy was right. I could protect Lexie from every single thing I thought had the possibility of hurting her. I could do that out of love. But by doing that, I’d just hurt us both, taken away an entire family that Lexie already loved. Taken away a man that already was part of our family. That was my soul. My head snapped up. My heart dropped at the Harley in the driveway. I blinked. I wasn’t hallucinating. It was there. I didn’t think. I just ran. Ran over to the door and pounded on it hysterically.

  Finally, the door opened and I lost my breath. He was there, beautiful as ever. I drank him in. His huge body taking up the entire doorframe. The splashes of color peeking out from the arms of his black Henley. The two-day stubble shadowing his face. The hair that was growing, shiny and black and almost long enough to grab. His eyes. The dark eyes focused on me and they flared slightly before turning hard. His whole face was blank while he seemed to be running his eyes over every inch of me.

  “So you’re back,” I commented needlessly.

  His eyes didn’t move from mine, nor did he speak, most likely because I was stating the obvious.

  There was a silence for a long while. I didn’t know what to say. For once I didn’t want to say anything, just drink in the fact he was here. In the flesh.

  “I was wrong,” I blurted.

  His body jerked and I continued.

  “To push you away. Let you leave, I was wrong,” I whispered. “So fucking wrong,” I repeated, definitely needing the “fuck” in this moment.

  Zane stayed silent.

  “You’re everything to me, to Lexie. We need you,” I told him honestly.

  I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Couldn’t speak. So instead I launched myself at him and hoped he’d catch me.

  The moment my mouth touched his, his stiff demeanor changed. He lifted me, devouring my mouth. I wrapped my legs around him, melting into his touch. The kiss went furious and desperate in an instant. Months without him and I felt like I wanted to climb inside his skin. I couldn’t get close enough. He pushed me against the door and I vaguely noted we were inside. That wasn’t important at the current moment.

  “Wait,” Zane clipped, pulling his head away from mine.

  I jutted my lip out. He pressed his finger to my lips.

  “Can’t do this shit, Mia.” His eyes were dark, and the veins in his neck pulsed.

  I felt like something hit me in the stomach, and he slowly put me down, distancing himself from me. “What are you talking about?” I choked out.

  He ran his hand through his hair then looked at me. His eyes were tortured. “You were right to break things off. Distance yourself. I’m not putting you in danger. I can’t.” He seemed to be dragging the words out.

  I stepped forward, putting my hands on his chest. “I trust you. The club. I know you won’t let anything happen to us,” I told him firmly.

  Zane looked at me before grabbing my wrists and taking them off his chest. “You’re wrong,” he informed me coldly. “I’ve done it once. Failed someone. I won’t do it to you and Lexie. I couldn’t exist in a world where you didn’t have sunshine,” he declared fiercely.

  I frowned at him. “What are you talking about, Zane?”

  He sighed, giving me a long look before his body sagged. “Gotta tell you some shit,” he declared. “When I tell you, you decide for yourself whether you want you and Lexie tainted with my darkness,” he clipped, eyeing me.

  I stroked his rough jaw. “Promise you, no matter what, it’s not going to make me want to live without you. Make Lexie want to,” I told him firmly.

  He stared at me a moment. “We’ll see,” he muttered, looking to the floor. He took a breath then looked back up, his eyes full of a pain so deep it hurt to look at.

  “Her name was Laurie.” He spoke her name roughly, like he hadn’t uttered out loud in years.

  I knew this wasn’t going anywhere good. In fact, I knew this was going somewhere downright horrific.

  “Zane,” I muttered softly.

  His finger went lightly over my lip. “You need to hear this,” he told me firmly. “Her name was Laurie and she was everything to me. I haven’t had love in my life. Hadn’t known it. Got shit parents—dad who liked to smack me around and a mom that didn’t give a shit.” His voice was detached and sounded strange. Maybe that was because I’d never heard him say so many words before. Words about himself. Who he was. Why he was the way he was. There were more. And they were soul destroying.

  “So when I met her, discovered the type of love that existed, thought I was the luckiest motherfucker to walk the earth. She was the light of my fuckin’ life. Parents didn’t approve. They were good people. Saw the club for what it was. Back then it was nothing fuckin’ good.” He paused. “But ‘cause they were good people, they wanted their daughter to be happy, so they accepted me.” He shook his head slightly. “So I thought I had it fuckin’ all. My girl. My club. My life was fuckin’ sunshine,” he declared.

  I shivered because all I wanted for Zane was sunshine, but I knew this wasn’t where it was headed.

  “Then one day my sunshine turned to darkness. Single fuckin’ day, that light was gone, my life over.” He searched my face like he was remembering every single detail. “We were into deep shit back then, shit that leaked out and got Laurie killed. Raped. Tortured. Then killed.”

  I flinched, physically flinched, at the dead way his voice rolled over those words. Tears started streaming down my face unbidden. He wiped them away softly.

  “Thought my life had ended that day, Mia. Was certain of it. Made my peace with the dark
ness, with a life void of anything. Made my peace ‘cause I didn’t plan on living in the darkness too long,” he said, no nonsense.

  I placed my hand over my mouth. He actually meant....

  “Was gonna check out. Eat my gun. The guilt, the fuckin’ poisonous shit swirling inside me was killing me slowly anyway. Would rather it have been my own hand that did it in the end.” He gently removed my hand from my mouth and kissed it gently.

  “Then someone saw it. There’s a look you get when you’re halfway in the grave. Didn’t know it. Brothers didn’t know it. She did. They pulled me back babe—the club,” he clarified. “Was angry as fuck at first. I just wanted it over. I was tired. So fucking tired of the constant fight against the shit inside my head. The darkness. Fuck, I was the darkness, a fuckin’ monster. What I turned into, what I still am.” He traced my face lightly. “And at first I was angry at you. You came into my life, made me want something I knew I could never have. Not with the marks on my soul. Not when I’d already killed one person who didn’t do a thing but love the wrong man.” He gave me a hard look, trying to communicate that I was loving the wrong man. “I’ll be forever grateful, for them, the club. For saving me. So I could somehow find more sunshine,” he murmured, eyes locked on mine. “See, what I had before bathed my world in a warm glow. Was beautiful. But what I’ve got with you and Lexie almost fuckin’ blinds me, it’s so bright.” The soft look left his face quickly. “Which is exactly why you were right that day. I was blind. Couldn’t see what I was doing, repeating the fuckin’ past,” he growled as if he was angry with himself. No, furious.

  I didn’t know what to say. What words did you choose when someone bares their soul to you? When someone rips it open bare, so you can see every broken piece, every heartbreaking shard and presents it to you?