by Amy Sumida
“Shh.” Gage crawled up on the foot of the bed and stroked my thighs. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
The rest of the men eased onto the bed with us and shifted around me until they were all touching me. Slate made room for Darc behind me while Torin and Declan took my front, and Banning and Gage hugged my lower half. It probably looked ridiculous but it felt like heaven. They slid beneath me and above me so that I was completely encased by them and my body shuddered in a release so profound that it seemed to reach my soul. Instead of being stifled, I felt as if I could breathe again. I focused on that; in and out, steadily inhaling and then exhaling. We stayed like that for several minutes as I just breathed through the pain.
They still loved me. They didn't blame me. But they didn't know the truth. Normally, I would say that in a situation like this the only thing truth did was hurt innocent people and ease the guilty one's conscience. But this was different. They deserved to know who I really was. Who they thought they loved. I had to tell them. I had to confess. If they still wanted me after that, if they could forgive me, maybe then I could forgive myself. My stomach clenched as I pushed them away.
“Elaria!” Slate tried to hold onto me.
“No!” I scrambled off the bed and stumbled, my body wobbling with weakness. How long had I been in that bed? “I need to tell you something first.”
“This wasn't your fault, little bird,” Torin said gently as he got off the bed and started for me. “Even if you had moments of lucidity, it doesn't make you responsible.”
“Stop!” I held my hand out, palm facing him.
“El, we love you; it will be okay.” Gage crawled down the bed toward me.
“No!”
“Elaria, you need to forgive yourself,” Declan said. “Let this go.”
They all came for me.
“I wanted him!” I shouted.
They froze.
“Before I was drugged, I wanted Lu... him,” I stammered. A tide of words poured out of my mouth, as unstoppable as any natural disaster and with the potential to be as deadly. “I admire him. I respect him. I started feeling... attracted to him. Then he kissed me on the yacht. When my magic got out of control, Lu...” I took a deep breath and tried again. “Lucifer kissed me to bring me back into control, and I pushed him away. I stopped the kiss, but I still didn't tell you about it. I didn't tell you because I felt guilty for enjoying it. Just like I enjoyed fucking him. I enjoyed it!”
They all gaped at me.
“And then you sang to me,” I said to Darc, “and I saw how false that attraction had been. I don't love Lucifer. He was just so persistent and beautiful and... and a god. I wanted to touch another god. Now, I see how stupid I was. I know that every thought was a betrayal of the true love between us. I cheated on all of you. I cheated in my mind and in my heart. Then Bliss gave me the excuse to cheat with my body. I have so much love, more than any woman deserves, and I betrayed it! I don't deserve your comfort, and I certainly don't deserve your love.”
I stood there panting from the effort it took to get all of that out—shivering and breathing brokenly—and briefly considered leaving the room entirely. But I owed it to them to stay. To face whatever they threw at me and accept their decisions.
“You're seriously tearing yourself up about having a crush and then figuring out it was meaningless?” Slate rolled his silver eyes.
I gaped at him.
“Yes, you should have told us about the kiss, but that kiss was done to save you from your fire, and you said you pulled away from it. It's easy enough to forgive,” Torin reasoned.
“And you also said that you don't love Lucifer.” Darc stepped forward slowly, like a man with a skittish horse. “Do you think that you loved him while you were being controlled by Bliss?”
“No,” I whispered. “I didn't think about much of anything except for sex.”
“So, you didn't betray us in your heart,” Darc concluded.
“You had some thoughts about another man, but you didn't act on them until you were forced to,” Banning pointed out. “That is not betrayal, Elaria. People have sexual thoughts about people they don't love. It's perfectly normal. Natural. We see someone attractive and our minds process that. But it's your physical actions that determine guilt or innocence.”
“And your actions were true, Mate.” Gage strode up and pulled me into an embrace. “You didn't act on your thoughts until a drug forced you to. Let go of your guilt; it's false. Focus on us now, focus on our love and let it wash away this pain.”
I sobbed and fell forward against Gage's broad chest. His steady, loyal heart beat against my cheek, comforting me even more. All was not lost. I hadn't ruined everything. They still loved me. It seemed so impossible, but that was normal for my life. The other men closed in around us, and I was passed from man to man, embrace to embrace, until my tears dried and I could breathe evenly again.
I ended up in Banning's arms, and I looked up at him as something occurred to me. “Hold on; are you saying that you check out other women?”
Banning flushed, and the other men burst into laughter. With that glorious sound, I started to feel normal again.
Chapter Forty
A few days later, I was still recovering. Getting it all out and facing my guilt head-on had helped, but it didn't banish all of those acidic feelings immediately. I needed to decompress; to just be still for awhile and focus on other things. Like the Terrencal brothers.
I sat in my tower living room and sipped my drink as Kasteo and Kosmos told me about arriving at the site where Alexander was keeping Lucifer and me and finding us under the influence of Bliss.
“That was insane, El,” Kasteo murmured. “I didn't look, by the way. Well, not for long.”
“We were in shock,” Kosmos added with an annoyed glance at his brother.
“Cerberus snapped us out of it,” Kas admitted. “I figured I'd leave your men to help you, and I went to look for Helene.”
“Cer and I went with him,” Kos said. “We didn't watch you... with Lucifer.”
“I think I remember that,” I murmured.
“Shit, you remember?” Kasteo gaped at me. “I thought maybe the drug would wipe away everything away.”
“No,” I said simply.
Kosmos cleared his throat. “We searched the building but didn't find Helene.”
Kasteo looked away and swallowed visibly.
“It was an abandoned hospital that Alexander converted into a Demos stronghold,” Kos went on. “We cleared the place while your men helped you. Cerberus took down most of the satyrs while we watched his back, killing anyone who tried to sneak up behind him. But then Darc came running up and said you were going to the Garden of Eden to get fruit for Lucifer. Later, after they found you—well, after Lucifer brought you to them—Gage came back to tell us that Helene was dead. That she betrayed her people and set you up to be drugged. And that Lucifer killed Helene and Alexander.”
“I'm so sorry, Kasteo.” My fingers clenched around my glass. I wanted to touch him but couldn't seem to open my hand and reach. “She... I never would have believed it if I hadn't heard it directly from her.”
“I don't understand.” Kasteo looked back at me, tears in his eyes. “You saw her; she was abused and broken when I brought her to Kyanite.”
“Evidently, she had them do that to her so the nymphs wouldn't suspect anything,” I murmured.
“Yeah, that's what Gage said.” Kasteo sighed. “I must be a horrible judge of character.”
“If you are then so are the rest of us.” Kosmos squeezed his brother's shoulder. “Helene fooled us all.”
“She was broken, Kas,” I said gently. “Just not in the way we thought.”
“Helene was insane, wasn't she?” Kasteo asked me.
“Utterly,” I confirmed. “She said and did some horrible things. But that's on her. You thought you were helping an abused woman. You did everything right. You're a hero, Kas.”
“Hero or not, sh
e played me.”
“She played me too,” I said. “I thought she was going to drive a wedge between you two. I thought she wanted Kosmos instead of you, and I warned her off.”
“What?” Kosmos asked in surprise.
“It was wrong; I know.” I held up a hand. “I overreacted. I just didn't want to see a woman come between you two. But I know you'd never let that happen, neither of you would. Still, I did it, and Helene told me that she was going back to Olympus with the other nymphs.”
“When she really went back to the Bazaar and helped Peter hunt down our people,” Kasteo growled. “She used children to catch us.”
“Fucking diabolical,” Kos growled.
“If Lucifer hadn't killed her, I'd do it myself,” Kasteo declared.
I lifted my brows at that. “That would have been closure.”
Kasteo let out a small chuckle. “Permanent closure. At least I know she's dead and won't be hurting the Cat-Shifters or the Nymphs ever again.”
A column of light appeared in the living room and a shape formed within it. I shot to my feet and stared at it like a deer in the middle of a highway. The brothers spun as they stood, going into wary crouches. Lucifer stepped regally out of the light and lowered his wings with a sparkling rustle. He stared at me with wide, wounded eyes and then glanced at the brothers.
“Oh, it's you,” Kasteo said and straightened.
Kosmos followed suit but kept a wary stare on Lucifer.
“Elaria, may I speak with you privately?” Lucifer asked.
“I can't,” my voice had gone breathy and my hand shook as I waved him back. “Go away.”
“My vicious, please.”
“Don't call me that!” I screeched hysterically.
“I think you should leave,” Kosmos said dryly.
Darc came running down the stairs and into the room followed by Banning and Slate. They saw Lucifer and made a beeline to me. I met them halfway, coming around the couch to retreat into their arms. I buried my face against Darc's chest, breathing in his familiar, comforting scent, but it didn't calm me as it should. I whimpered and clutched at him. The men formed a protective barrier around me.
Damn it all; I was trembling. One look at Lucifer and I was a mess. It was all replaying in my mind again. Lucifer above me. Below me. Inside me. His sparkling eyes staring down at me with lust and love. His hands sliding over my flesh worshipfully. His tongue stroking mine. My mouth full of his sex. And the pleasure. My body tightened at the mere memory. Lucifer hadn't just fucked my body, he'd fucked my mind too.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Slate snarled at Lucifer.
“I need to speak with her,” Lucifer implored. “Elaria, please, just give me a few minutes. I can't stop thinking about you. I'm so sorry. Are you all right? Please, just tell me if you're all right. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Go away,” I whispered into Darc's chest. “Go away. Make him go away.”
Tremors rode me, and I knew I was a step away from a screaming panic attack.
“We don't hold you responsible for what happened, but you need to leave, Lucifer,” Darc said steadily. “If you truly care about Elaria, you'll go away right now.”
“But the funeral...” Lucifer stammered. “Don't you need my help? I want to help—”
I started to cry.
“We'll be fine without you,” Slate snarled. “Get the fuck out of here and don't come back.”
“I'm sorry that I hurt you, Elaria,” Lucifer said softly. “That was the last thing I wanted to do.”
I closed my eyes and clung to my husband. Part of me cringed away from myself; I hated being this weak. But the wound was still fresh, and I couldn't take Lucifer prodding at it. Perhaps when I was strong again I'd regret being cruel to him, but not then. Right then, all I wanted was a chance to heal without Lucifer reminding me of how I'd been damaged.
“He's gone, my fire,” Darc whispered.
I let out a long, shaky breath and looked over my shoulder. “Thank you.”
“You never have to see that bastard again,” Slate said. “We don't need him for shit. Him or his angels. We have my gargoyles, your armies, and Banning's blooders.”
“And the Cats,” Kosmos added firmly. “We will be attending Philip's funeral as well.”
“And the Cats,” Slate added with a viciously pleased tone. “The Demos Family is about to be wiped off the face of the Earth.”
“The Earth will be a better place for it.” Banning shared a grim look with the other men, and they all nodded in agreement.
Chapter Forty-One
A new plan had to be made for the funeral. We had lost the Host but gained the Cats. Several cat-shifters had already been planning on helping us take down the Demos Family but now that they'd been attacked, they were all on board. Well, all except for the children and their mothers. They would stay in Kyanite while we crashed Philip's funeral and made the Bazaar safe for them again. As safe as a beneather bazaar could be.
We had traveling stones made for every soldier so they wouldn't have to be carted to Italy or find someone to get them back to Kyanite again when we were done. While those were being made, we studied the blueprints and recon photos, using them to decide on locations for each of the teams to clear. We were going to do this methodically so that no satyr escaped. We'd clear the grounds and then swarm the house. The entire manor would be searched until we were certain that every blood member of the Demos Family was dead.
I itched for the fight. My whole body twitched with the need to lash out. To strike back at the people who had hurt me and mine. Yeah, Alexander was dead, but I didn't get the satisfaction of killing him. Like Kasteo, I was in need of some closure. Sweet, bloody closure. So, I eagerly studied the maps and went over the plan of attack in my mind. I even made a playlist.
My men were worried about me. My magic was volatile even when I was at my best but now, in my mentally fragile state, it was a powder keg. I knew that as well as they did so I'd started practicing every day with Rath. He came to help me as soon as I contacted him, and hadn't left Kyanite since. Yes, it would have been helpful to have Lucifer there as well, but only for my magic. My mind would have suffered and then I wouldn't have been able to fight at all. Besides, I just needed someone to take me through my paces and keep me focused on what I needed to do so that it became second nature. Rathlin did that.
“Again!” Rath shouted over my song.
I sang along to the upbeat music, a snarl in my voice. “Burnin' Up” by Distant Cousins was perfect for training with fire and even more perfect for my current mood. A taunting tapping. A disapproving, musical head shake. The lyrics ridiculed someone for being afraid of fighting for what they wanted. For playing the martyr and giving everything without taking it in return. Cowardice. Pathetic weakness. The words challenged me as they cut me down. I needed to fix myself so I could fix my life.
I used the frustration, heartache, anger, and guilt that lingered on despite everything my men said. I channeled it into the song, shoved it into those words and poured it outside of me along with my fire. I lanced out with it; a spear of flame that pierced my leather target in its direct center. Victory pumped through me and made me more confident. I let the Light join us, adding its power to Fire, but I didn't release it. I held onto it and waited. Rath had been teaching me precision and control. I wouldn't attack until he gave me the order.
“Now!” Rath shouted and pointed at a new target.
I blasted a metal dummy and blew its head off. The metal orb bounced into a flowerbed and started smoking. The scent of burning blossoms permeated the air.
“Hold it,” Rath said. “Hold it. Now, use only the Light; use it to freeze.”
I stumbled over the lyrics. Use Light to freeze while I sang about fire? It would be the magical equivalent of rubbing my belly while patting my head.
“Just try, Elaria,” Rath urged me.
I steadied my voice and let the music motivate me and focus me inst
ead of using the power in the words themselves. My spellsinging faltered, unsure of what to do, but I focused it into the Light. I took the lyrics and twisted them. Ice could give a different type of burn. I focused on searing cold and drew the Fire back as I sent the Light forth. A thick coating of ice swarmed over my target.
I gasped and fell to my knees, releasing all of my magics at once. The music came to an abrupt stop while Fire and Light blinked out. No dramatic bid for control; they simply sank back into me. It was a type of victory, but I felt bashed by it.
My love!
I'm fine, Ky.
“Elaria, are you all right?” Rath knelt beside me and laid a hand on my back.