McCall

by Patricia Evans Jordan

  “Shhh!” Lily said, looking around and putting one finger to her lips. “No one needs to know that we slept together or that you couldn’t quite keep up with me.” She looked at Sam with no hint of a smile. “I know you’ve got your reputation to protect.”

  “Yeah,” Sam said, smiling and thinking that she would definitely miss this girl. “Let’s not tell anyone that.”

  Lily laughed, and an easy comfort settled between them as if it had always been there. Now she just had to explain it all to Sara, somehow.

  ****

  Lily’s friend reappeared and Sam left Lily at Moxie Java soon after that. She texted Sara the second she got to her truck.

  I know you’re angry and you have every right to be. I didn’t cheat on you; I would never do that. Please let me explain.

  She pressed send and waited. No reply.

  “Fuck,” Sam said, leaning her head back on the headrest and closing her eyes. She still smelled Sara in her cab of her truck from the road trip. She was in love with her. Losing this was not an option.

  She drove the mile to Sara’s cabin and knocked on her door.

  I’ll leave if you want me to, she texted, still at the door. But please let me tell you what really happened.

  There was no answer, so Sam turned and got in her truck, slamming her fist into the steering wheel as she started the engine.

  The next morning, Sam wrote several texts to Sara, but deleted each before she sent them. At this point, she couldn’t afford to screw up again. A cold, hard ball of fear had started to settle into her stomach, and she didn’t want to think about the growing possibility that Sara would never speak to her again. Sam left work early that afternoon, stopping by Sara’s cabin to slip a small white envelope under her door. Sara’s truck was there but she left without texting. At this point, she was fairly certain she wouldn’t want to read her reply.

  ****

  After the disaster that was their first official date, Sara decided to walk into town that morning to clear her head. She had a second interview later in the morning with the woman that applied for the management position, so if that went well she could open in just a few weeks, but this was not the best day to have to concentrate. The air was crisp, and the sun shone through the fir trees lining the road in golden squares. A doe munching on leaves to her left turned toward her and dashed back into the forest as she approached, and Sara pulled on her jacket, holding the sleeves in her fists. Not surprisingly, she couldn’t think about anything but Sam fucking that receptionist. The young, very pretty, obviously infatuated receptionist.

  She’d left Moxie Java furious the night before, not because Sam had cheated on her, but because she had to find out the way that she did. Until that afternoon, they hadn’t said anything about being a couple, so maybe it wasn’t even cheating, but regardless, it was humiliating, and then that girl had intentionally bumped her shoulder on the way out. Sara’s cheeks burned at the memory. Obviously, she’d been kidding herself for the last few weeks; Sam hadn’t even said anything to her in Sara’s defense.

  She stopped into Moxie Java first as she got into town, the scent of roasted freshly ground coffee and baking pastries washing over her as she waited in line. Sam or no Sam, she loved McCall. She wasn’t going to let her brief lapse in judgement drive her out of the first city that had ever felt like home. She ordered a coconut latte and a blueberry muffin, the espresso machine whirring in its familiar high-pitched whine. There was something so comforting about the suddenly warm air and familiar sounds of a coffee shop, no matter where you were, as if nothing bad could ever happen inside. As she took her coffee and turned to leave, she saw Lily, sitting in a booth alone, her hand moving furiously across the page in a journal.

  It was one of those moments where she had a choice: Sara could choose to be petty and walk past her, or she could sit down and try to talk through it because it was the right thing to do. Someone cleared their throat behind her. She suddenly realized she was blocking the path to the door and stepped aside, glad Lily was too busy writing to notice her. Lily was just young and made a mistake; as much as Sara didn’t want to admit it, she had been in a similar situation at about Lily’s age and remembered how desperate and awful she’d felt.

  “Do you mind if I sit for a minute?”

  Lily jumped at her words and visibly held her breath when she saw it was Sara. She nodded toward the seat and closed her book. The words came tumbling out of Lily’s mouth the second Sara sat down.

  “I owe you an apology.”

  Tears shimmered in her blue eyes and despite the previous night, Sara found herself wanting to reach out and hug her.

  “There’s no excuse for what I did, and I don’t blame you if you hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you, Lily.” She touched her hand to Lily’s for emphasis. “Sam should have told you what was going on, and me too, for that matter.”

  Lily looked up, relief starting to smooth the worry on her face.

  “Besides, I was once in an almost identical situation myself.”

  Lily perked up, her eyes wide. “No way! When?”

  “When I was in culinary school. I was twenty-one, newly out, and had never had a girlfriend.” She paused to take a sip of her coffee, the memory washing over her. “She was twenty years older than me and a successful pastry chef as well as an instructor at the school.”

  “Wow,” Lily said, “How did it start?”

  “Well, she was fairly butch so it was a pretty safe guess that she was gay, although we’d never really talked much. So, and I still don’t know why I did this, I just kissed her one day when she was teaching me to make filo dough after hours.”

  “That was so brave,” Lily said, chin in hand, her coffee forgotten. “What happened after that?”

  “It lasted for a few months, and was actually some of the best sex I’ve ever had,” Sara said. “Then all of a sudden she just started freezing me out. She was always too busy to get together, didn’t reply to my calls or texts, the usual. Only back then I didn’t realize what was happening so I was pretty devastated.”

  “Did you ever talk to her about it?”

  “Well, after this had been going on for about two weeks, I got the courage up to go to her office after class. I was crazy nervous.” Sara tapped her fingers against her coffee cup. “I shouldn’t have bothered though, because she was making out with another student when I opened the door.”

  “Did you ever get to talk to her about it?” Lily pushed her muffin aside, captivated by the drama.

  “We did finally talk, but she just made me feel like it was all my fault she was fucking someone else, which of course I believed.”

  Lily looked down briefly, pulling a bite from her muffin. “Sam said after you left that this situation was all her fault, and she deserved it for not talking to both of us.”

  Sara sat back, surprised.

  “And if it makes you feel any better, the first thing she said to me was to not ever touch her girlfriend again.” Lily looked up. “She can be a little scary, and last night was definitely one of those times.”

  Sara’s stomach dropped. “She didn’t threaten you, did she?”

  “Oh God no, not at all! She never gets angry, so it was just surprising.” Lily paused. “Sam is a great person. She’d never hurt anyone; she just has a mafia quality to her sometimes.”

  “You’re so right, that’s exactly what it is!” Sara laughed. “I’ve been trying to wrap words around that for weeks!”

  They giggled and chatted for a few more minutes before Sara had to leave to get to the diner for her interview. Lily stood and hugged her as she left.

  “Thank you for being so kind to me; you didn’t have to be,” she said. “And if it helps, I’ve never seen Sam like this. She’s definitely in love.”

  When Sara walked out into the late morning sunshine, she found herself thinking that if nothing else, Sam had good taste. Lily was a sweetheart.

  ****

  She got home
late in the afternoon and dropped her bags by the door as she came through the cabin door. There, laying on the floor was a white envelope with Sam’s small, neat handwriting on the front. Sara.

  Her heart raced as if she was suddenly sprinting up a mountain. She put the envelope on the table and walked into the kitchen, opening a better than usual bottle of Barolo. She poured it and sat down on the couch, looking at the envelope sitting there on the table.

  There’s no way she would have considered opening it if she hadn’t spoken to Lily. Or maybe she would have. Or maybe she wouldn’t open it at all. Her hands shook as she slipped her finger under the flap of the envelope. She sank down into one of the chairs and took out a small stained index card with dog-eared edges and yellowed paper. It was a recipe. At the bottom left corner, there was a date, 1979, and the initials G.D.

  “Gus Draper.” Sara said the words out loud, suddenly realizing how special this little piece of paper was.

  It was the recipe for his Monte Cristo sandwich. A tear fell from her chin onto the table, and she read and reread every word, laying it carefully on the table to look again in the envelope, in case Sam had written a note too. She had.

  I’m so sorry. You have every right to hate me. I hate myself for hurting you. Please forgive me.

  Sara tucked the note back in the envelope and set it back down on the table.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Later that evening, Sara called Jennifer to come over and they sat down with Sara’s homemade salsa, guac, and chips. Sara poured Jen a margarita and sat down across from her.

  “So,” Sara said casually, handing her the glass, “Sam’s been fucking her receptionist for the last few months.”

  Margarita sprayed everywhere as Jennifer choked on her drink. “Shut. Up,” she said, her eyes wide with shock. “I didn’t see that one coming.”

  “Yeah,” Sara said, “I didn’t either.”

  She slid the salt off the rim of her glass with her finger and let it drop onto the table. She always forgot she hated the salt. Sara filled Jennifer in on the details of the previous evening and her talk with Lily; Jennifer listened with rapt attention, the chips forgotten in front of her.

  “So what does she look like?”

  Sara thought for a moment. “Very slender, dark hair, gorgeous blue eyes, hipster vibe.”

  “So, beautiful?” Jen was never one to mince words.

  “Unfortunately, yes. Very.”

  Jennifer tapped her finger on the table, deep in thought.

  “What?” Sara said.

  “I totally understand why she was upset, but it’s weird that she bonded with you so quickly afterwards.”

  “Really?” Sara thought back to their conversation. “Why?”

  “She seemed to feel badly about last night, right?” Sara nodded. “But did she say anything about sleeping with Sam when you two were together?”

  Sara shook her head.

  “I fault Sam, not her, if that’s the case, but you were in and out of Sam’s office a few times, right? So she knew when you came on the scene.”

  “Definitely,” Sara said slowly, “And looking back, I think she knew something was up because she was always weird when I came in.”

  Jennifer made up for lost time with her margarita, then scooped the salt from the rim with her lime and squeezed it into her mouth.

  “Are you positive they even had sex while you two were together?”

  Sara shook her head and poured Jen another margarita. She shouldn’t get her hopes up. Sam and Lily had probably had sex the night they came back from the road trip. Great. Why did she have to be so gorgeous? It just made it worse somehow.

  “So,” Sara said, redirecting her attention back to her sister and trying to sound cheerful, “I want details about this Murphy guy.”

  Jennifer ran to her bag and dug around, producing a wrinkled stack of papers that she plopped in front of Sara. “It’s done.”

  “You’re divorced?”

  Jen nodded, smiling, and it struck Sara how much better she looked. She was still a bit too thin, but she looked fit and beautiful. And happy.

  “Wait,” Sara said, “So does this mean you and Brian can get together for real now?”

  “Yes,” Jen said, “We actually have a date tonight. He’s cooking me dinner.” She looked down at the table and Sara could tell something was on her mind. “And now that it’s here, I feel like I’m going to be a disappointment or something.”

  “Why would you think that?” Sara scooped up a chip full of the green tomatillo salsa, dropping some on her shirt before it made it into her mouth.

  “Well, it may not be tonight, but eventually we’re going to sleep together. And Trevor’s the only guy I’ve ever had sex with.”

  Sara waited, knowing there was more on her mind.

  “And oh my God, if you laugh, I’ll hit you…” Jen paused and dropped her voice to a whisper. “But I’ve never had an orgasm. What if that’s important to him and I can’t do it?”

  “Oh Jen,” Sara said, instantly hating Trevor just a little bit more. “I had no idea.”

  The shatteringly intense climaxes she’d had with Sam flashed across her mind, but she quickly pushed those thoughts out of her head. If she wasn’t going to go there again, there was no reason to make herself miserable thinking about it.

  “You’re thinking he’s going to want to dump me, aren’t you?” Sara realized Jen was looking intently at her and she’d been lost in thought.

  “God, no!” Sara reached out and covered Jen’s hand with hers. “Trust me; it’s going to be just the opposite.”

  “But…”

  “Don’t even waste your time worrying about it.” Sara waved her hand and cut her off before she finished her sentence. “Just be honest and let him know it’s just never happened for you. If anything, he’ll feel special because he’ll be the first person to give you that.”

  Sara thought for a moment, deciding whether to ask the next question or not, but finally curiosity won out.

  “So you’ve never had an orgasm ever? Not even with yourself?”

  “No, and if you tell anyone that, I will literally kill you.”

  “Your secret’s safe with me, but I know what I’m getting you for your birthday now.”

  Sara ducked as Jen threw a chip at her, laughing and holding up her hands.

  “You lesbians are big on vibrators, I know. I’ve seen what’s in your bedside table.”

  ****

  Sam got home after work and walked into the house, grabbing a beer on the way out to the back deck. She sank down in the Adirondack chair and put her feet up on the railing, thinking back to when Sara had almost drowned on the dock at Montauk. Sam had never felt so desperate. She was normally a rock in a crisis, but the thought of losing Sara was too much; she hadn’t taken a breath until Sara did. Now she’d give anything to go back and tell her about Lily before last night ever happened. But what’s done was done, and she had to face facts; if Sara was going to come back to her, she’d have done it by now.

  Sam left the beer on the railing and walked down to the barn beside the house. Gus had kept horses when Marcy was still alive, she’d loved them, but he couldn’t deal with the memories after her death, so he let Sam fill it with gym equipment and a punching bag. The bag wasn’t about fitness, she only used it when life got so shitty she had to punch something, and this definitely qualified. She took off her work shirt, leaving her in just the cargos and a white sports bra, then taped her wrists before she pulled on her gloves. Sam hit harder than she’d ever done with that first punch. She threw her fists into it over and over again until her arms ached and her knuckles started to blister under the gloves. She pounded until she couldn’t tell anymore what was sweat and what was tears.

  “Sam.”

  Sam spun around and looked at the barn door she’d left open. Sara was leaning against it. Sam was afraid to move; she didn’t want her to disappear.

  Sara locked her eyes onto Sam’s. �
��I need to know the last time you slept with Lily.”

  Sam shook her head to clear it and thought for a second. That was not at all what she expected her to say.

  “It was…” Sam paused. She needed to tell the truth, and she needed to get it right the first time. “Okay, do you remember the pancake breakfast?”

  Sara nodded, a glimmer of hope starting to rise against her better judgement.

  “And then the day after that we did your first boat lesson?”

  “Yes, the first time you came over.”

  “It was that night. After the lesson.”

  Sara thought back. “When you said you had somewhere you needed to be.”

  “That’s right,” Sam said. “Then after we kissed for the first time, she came on to me a day or two later and I turned her down.”

  Sara looked down, pushing the hay around the concrete floor with her foot. “Why didn’t you just tell me? Everyone has a past.”

  She looked into Sam’s eyes until Sam broke her gaze, then stepped back and threw a hard last punch at the bag.

  “Because I’m an idiot.” Sam said, looking over at the bag to hide the tears still in her eyes. “There’s no other way to say it. I was afraid I’d lose you and I didn’t want to take that chance. So I took the easy way out.”

  Sara took a few seconds to think. She’d wanted honesty and this was it. She looked up and held Sam’s eyes. “Okay,” she said. “That’s good enough for me.”

  Sam stared at her for a few long seconds. “Wait…what did you say?”

  “I said that’s good enough for me. I believe you.”

  Sam walked over to Sara and pulled her strong into her arms, kissing her with more passion and relief than she ever knew she could feel. She didn’t want to let her go, but finally she loosened her hold.

  After a moment, Sara leaned back and looked at Sam, her eyes sparkling. “Did you really tell Lily I was your girlfriend?”

  Sam paused, trying to think of what she’d said and how Sara could possibly know that. Clearly, there was only one way. “You talked to Lily, didn’t you?’