He couldn’t seem to stop himself from reaching out and picking it up. He flipped open the cap and put it to his nose, inhaling the scent. Christ! It smelled like her. It brought back memories of the nights he’d nuzzled her hair as he lay behind her after making love. Shit!
He couldn’t think of those times. He had to put them out of his head. It was bad enough that his cock was remembering. All he had to do was think of her and his body acted like a divining rod searching for her. He ran his hand down across his face and groaned. Damn. How was he going to get through this?
Taking a deep breath, he scrubbed himself until he was sure he was taking skin off. After washing his hair, he stepped out, and then shaved. He was tired but he knew sleep wouldn’t come easy. You did this to yourself, stupid.
“I know. But I had to,” he told his reflection in the mirror then switched off the light, headed to the bedroom and crawled between cold and lonely sheets.
****
Kelsey stood in the living room of her parents’ home and stared out the front window. A fully decorated Christmas tree stood in the corner of the room. A symbol of the season’s spirit that usually filled her with joy, the lights twinkling and sparkling but she paid them no mind. She used to love this time of the year but this season filled her sadness because she missed Ryder far too much to feel the joy.
“I don’t think any of the scenery has changed in the last thirty minutes,” her mother said from beside her as she placed her arm around her shoulder.
“I know.”
“What happened in Montana, Kelsey?”
Kelsey glanced to her mother and then back to the window. “I wish we had snow.”
“Snow? Are you out of your mind?” Donna Sullivan laughed. “Atlanta would shut down.”
“I know you’re right about that but I fell in love with snow in Montana. It was just so beautiful.”
“That’s not all you fell in love with, is it?”
Kelsey blinked tears away. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it does, honey. Tell me.” Donna took her hand and led her to the sofa where they sat down.
“I did fall in love...with Ryder but he says he’ll never marry, and he never wants children.”
“Then move on, Kelsey. I know how hard that seems right now but you have to if you can’t have what you want with him. I know how much you’ve always wanted children. You love kids.”
“How can I move on though, Mom? I love him so much.” Her voice caught and her chest filled with pain. How was it possible for it to hurt so physically much?
“I know all about him. I know why he doesn’t want the same things you do and even if he loves you, he probably won’t settle down and give you children. I don’t want to sound harsh, but you have to consider the future. What if you did marry him but he still didn’t want children? You would become miserable and eventually you’d grow to resent him, even hate him. Unless you are willing to accept that kind of future, you have to move on. Without him. Honey, I want you to be happy and I don’t think you will be, if you don’t get a chance to have kids.”
“You’re right. I know you’re right, but I need time to get over this, if I can.”
The phone startled both of them when it suddenly rang. Laughing self-consciously, Donna answered the phone. Kelsey barely paid attention until she heard her mother’s voice rise with excitement.
“That’s wonderful. Yes. Thank you so much, Frank.” She hung up and turned to Kelsey with a satisfied grin.
“They caught Wayne. He’s back in jail. This time, without bail.”
Kelsey felt a heavy burden lift off her shoulders. She placed her hands over her face and started crying. Wayne Dowling, her stalker, was finally back in jail with no chance of getting out. She’d been worried about that one thing from the beginning and couldn’t help but wonder if he would have gotten jail time if he hadn’t ran? He probably would have gotten probation but now since he’d jumped bail, she felt confident that he would get jail time. Thank you, God.
“What’s wrong?” Kelsey heard her father ask as he entered the room.
“That was Frank. Wayne Dowling is back in jail where he belongs with no bail this time,” Donna told her husband.
“That’s wonderful. Now we don’t have to worry about sending you back to Montana,” George Sullivan said with a happy smile.
Kelsey jumped up from the sofa and ran to her room. She knew her dad was probably wondering why she was upset, but she couldn’t deal with all the questions right now. She was pleased that she could finally return to her job and apartment. After Christmas break, she’d return to the hospital and her nursing career. Why didn’t she feel happier about it? She knew why…it was because of Ryder. She knew it would be a very long while before she felt good about anything again.
****
“Do you want to spend Christmas with us?” Olivia asked him as he filled one of the feed buckets. Wyatt and Olivia had dropped by to say hello, which meant they were checking up on him.
Ryder shook his head. “No.”
“You need to be around people. You’re miserable, Ryder,” Olivia growled at him even as she stepped away quickly from a nearby horse who was trying to sniff her hair. He almost laughed at her. He knew she was skittish around horses.
“Let it go, Liv.”
“You love her. So go get her. Simple.”
Ryder turned to glare at Wyatt. “Can’t you tell her to be quiet?”
“Are you serious? You know how she is.” Wyatt shrugged.
Ryder focused his annoyed glare on Olivia. “Butt out, Liv.”
“You’re just mad because you know I’m right. You’re in love with her, Ryder. Everyone can see it but you obviously. So why be miserable? I can’t even begin to imagine how she felt when she had to leave you.”
“It doesn’t matter how I feel about her, I can’t give her what she wants in life. What she deserves.” He had no idea why he had to keep explaining himself to everyone. First Cookie and now Olivia Stone.
“She deserves a man who loves her—” Olivia started.
“She deserves kids—” Ryder interjected, but then was interrupted too.
“Christ, Ryder. You are so hell-bent on thinking you’re just like him, it’s fucking ridiculous,” Wyatt exclaimed.
“How do I know I’m not, Wyatt? Huh? Tell me that.” Ryder set the feed pail on the floor and pulled himself to his full height, folding his arms across his chest.
“When was the last time you hit someone just because they pissed you off?
“I haven’t—”
“Exactly,” Wyatt interrupted him yet again, and then he turned to Olivia. “Let’s go. We have more things to get for Christmas.”
Ryder watched them walk out of the barn and even after hearing Wyatt’s truck drive away, he stood there. He shook his head. He knew his friends meant well, but they just didn’t understand. It was very possible that he could be like his old man. He didn’t want to find out at the expense of someone he loved.
Damn, he hated the thought of Christmas and being alone. Over the years, he had either gone to Georgia to visit with Frank and Grace or spent the day with the Stones and their families. This year, he just wasn’t feeling the Christmas spirit and he knew it was because he missed Kelsey. He caught himself more than a few times the past few days wondering what she was doing for Christmas. Was she back to work yet or was she waiting until after the holidays?
He’d love to call Frank and ask about her, but he knew his dad was far too astute. It wouldn’t take him much for him to figure it all out. He would know right quick that Ryder had fallen in love with Kelsey.
He blew out a breath, finished up with the horses and walked around to his workshop. He had a few pieces to finish before he could call it a day and relax. Relax? How the hell was he supposed to relax ever again when all he could think about was Kelsey? What she was doing? Was she okay? Was that asshole stalker still out there?
Damn it! He couldn’t take this any
longer. He had to go to her. He had to tell her she was right and he wanted her back. He realized he did want to marry her and yes, perhaps he even wanted to have children with her. Let’s take it one thing at a time.
He knew in his heart and in his gut that he would never, could never, hurt her or any child. It was time for him to man up and go after the woman he loved.
Ryder finished the last of his orders, and called Cookie on the phone.
“Can you take care of the furniture orders I have for pickup?”
“Of course, but where are you going to be that you can’t do it?”
“Georgia,” Ryder answered without hesitation.
Cookie laughed. “About fucking time…bring her home, boss.” Then he hung up.
Ryder knew he had to go and bring her home. She should be here with him. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to be happy and he’d been happy, truly happy for the first time in his life—with her. He deserved happiness, didn’t he? He couldn’t let his father win. If he gave into his fears of becoming like his old man, his father would win and he wasn’t going to allow that. Ryder also knew he needed to let go of the hate he had for his father. It had been tearing him up for years. The memories of him hitting him had chewed at his insides for far too many years. He had to let it go and he had to get Kelsey to come back to him. He knew the latter was going to be the harder of the two.
Chapter Nine
Kelsey walked out of the department store and glanced up. It was a beautiful day for December. Christmas was only a week away. She wondered if it was snowing in Montana. Would she ever stop thinking of him? She shook her head, and started for her car.
She was unlocking her car when out of the corner of her eye, she saw a man across the parking lot. It was the cowboy hat on his head, which caught her attention. She glanced at him and her knees nearly buckled as her chest constricted. Then he disappeared behind a van. No, it couldn’t be him. Did she miss him so much that she was hallucinating seeing him in the mall parking lot?
Climbing into her car, she tried to put the key into the ignition but her hands were shaking so much, she had to stop and take a deep breath. When a sudden tap sounded on her window, she nearly screamed. She looked up and for a moment, she didn’t believe her eyes. Ryder. He was real and standing alongside her car. She put her window down a little.
“Ryder? What are you doing here?” she whispered because her chest was so tight, she hadn’t enough air to speak louder.
“Looking for you…Kelsey, I…,” he didn’t say anymore but dipped his head, his hat shading his handsome face.
Kelsey blinked tears from her eyes. He looked so wonderful. She shook her head at him when he raced his head again, and wondered why he was in Georgia.
“Are you visiting Uncle Frank and Aunt Grace?”
He looked away and gave a silent laugh, then looked back to her.
“I’m staying with them, but I came to see you.” He leaned against the car lowering his upper body toward the open window. “I want you to come home, Kelsey.”
“Home? I am home, Ryder.”
“No, you’re not. Your home is in Montana with me.”
Tears filled her eyes so she looked away and shook her head. “You sent me away Ryder. I told you I’d stay but you didn’t want me.”
“Kelsey, baby, I do want you. Can we please go somewhere and talk about this? I’ve thought long and hard on this and I know I’m not like him. You saw it in me even when I didn’t. I could never hurt you or a child.”
She looked away from him and stared out the front window of the car. This was what she’d wanted to hear when she asked to stay so why now? Why come after her now? Was it the holidays? Was he just missing her and feeling lonely? Suddenly, he decided he wants her with him in Montana, so he comes all this way and what she was supposed to do? Drop everything and go with him? For how long? Until he decides, he can’t trust himself again and tells her to leave? She can’t go through that again.
Kelsey took a deep breath and turned her head to meet his pleading gaze.
“No. No, Ryder, we can’t go talk about this. You ended this because of your fears. Fears you’ll always have because loneliness isn’t going to make them go away. You need to work through this and unless you do that, I can’t go through this again. How am I supposed to trust that you won’t wake up one day and decide you can trust yourself around me, and what if we do have a child…will you send both of us away?” She shook her head, fighting back the emotion constricting her chest. “I can’t do it. I love you but I can’t live on a tightrope waiting to fall. I told you, you were going to regret letting someone like me go. Well, I’m gone, and I’m done.”
She blinked back tears, raised the window, put the car in gear, and drove off. Glancing into the rearview mirror she saw him standing there staring after her. Then she saw his head drop down, and felt a sharp pang of regret. She was tempted to go back then chastised herself.
How dare he come after her? How dare he! Did he think she’d just forget the pain he’d caused her by sending her away? He’d been so cruel to her the day she left that she’d cried the entire way home. Her heart had been broken and it wasn’t going to mend just because he came to Georgia and declared that he suddenly believed he was past his fears. She slapped the steering wheel with her hand. Damn him!
****
Ryder watched Kelsey drive away. You blew it, Wolfe. She no longer wants you. She says she loves you but obviously not enough. He knew he had to leave. He also knew it would be hard explaining why he was going home when he just got here, but there was no way he could stay now. Frank and Grace would have Kelsey’s family over during the holidays and he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle that. No. It was time to go back to Clifton and be miserable. Just as Olivia had predicted he would be.
Two days later, Ryder walked into his home and dropped his suitcases to the floor. It was over and his own damn fault he’d lost her. He’d had this extraordinary good thing with her and he’d made her go because he was afraid. He was a coward.
He pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down, dropping his head into his hands. Anger tensed across his shoulders when he realized that son of a bitch sperm donor father of his ruined his life in more ways than just the neglect and beatings. He’d left a lasting impression on Ryder and now he had pushed away the only woman who truly understood him. He’d made her go because he was afraid he was going to be just like the asshole who was his creator.
Ryder knew she was too smart for him. He should have realized she wouldn’t believe he’d had a sudden change of heart and truly believed it himself when he tried to get her to come back home. Would he start thinking he’d turn into his old man and start this all over again? Damn, she did know him better than he knew himself. Until he believed it, she never would, no matter how much he tried to convince her.
He sighed, climbed out of the chair, and stripped off his coat and hat. Grabbing up his suitcases, he trudged off toward his bedroom, a shower, and bed. He was too tired to think right now. Maybe once he got it through his head there was no chance of her coming back, he’d move on with his life. He laughed aloud as he passed the room she’d stayed. Move on to what? A life without Kelsey? Christ! Just the thought of that hurt like a crushing weight on his chest. He’d always said he’d be alone for the rest of his life, and she’d fought him on that. She’d asked him if that was what he really wanted. No, it wasn’t, but in the end, he’d been right.
****
Christmas Eve, Kelsey was in her car on her way to Frank and Grace’s. It was another beautiful day for December, very much like the day Ryder had shown up to see her. Her chest tightened at the thought that Ryder had returned to Clifton. She’d half hoped he’d be here with Frank and Grace, but her mother had told her he was gone after speaking with Grace.
She steered into the driveway of the beautiful home of Frank and Grace Sanders. She really wasn’t in the holiday mood but she would try. She climbed out, retrieved the presents from the back sea
t, and walked to the front door. Right before she rang the bell, Grace opened the door and greeted her. Grace hugged her around the armful of gifts she carried and laughed as she took some of the presents from Kelsey.
“It looks like you went overboard again, kiddo,” Grace said with a big smile.
Kelsey grinned, and then gave a half-hearted laugh. “Just a tad. I love you both, so I go a little crazy at Christmas.”
She followed Grace into the living room, a cozy room filled with pictures of them with Ryder as a handsome young man. Frank stood when she and Grace entered and immediately grabbed up some of the gifts setting them under a beautifully decorated Christmas tree before greeting her.
“Hello, Uncle Frank.” She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him.
“Kelsey, you get more beautiful every day.” He told her in her ear as he hugged her back.
Kelsey smiled up at him. “You’re just biased.”
Grace wrapped her arm around her shoulder, giving her an affection squeeze then led her to the sofa where they both sat.
Frank laughed. “How about some eggnog and holiday cookies?”
She smiled and nodded. “That would be nice, thank you.”
She watched him leave the room and now left alone with Grace, and surrounded by memories of their life with Ryder, she hoped the conversation wouldn’t turn to Ryder. She glanced at Grace and frowned at her when she saw the woman staring at her.
“You’re in love with Ryder, aren’t you?” Grace whispered, her arm pulling her close.
Kelsey started to shake her head, but her heart had its own plan and the tears quickly began to slide down her cheeks. “Yes. But he sent me away, Aunt Grace. He’s so afraid that he’s going to be like his father, his real father.”
Grace snorted. “Nonsense. Of course, we don’t believe that at all and if he did, I think he’s beginning to believe he doesn’t have to be like him either. At least, that’s what I got from him.”
Ryder Men of Clifton, Montana Book 5 Page 12