The Traitor's Pawn

by Lisa Harris

  “I know I should, but I’m so angry with him, Jack. And somehow forgiveness seems like I’m giving him an easy out. Like he can just skip the consequences, and everything will suddenly have this happily-ever-after ending because he asked for forgiveness. But for me, it doesn’t change anything.”

  He sat down beside her and waited for her to continue.

  “What bothers me the most is that I thought I was over all of this. Thought I’d dealt with all my father issues years ago, but now I find out I haven’t. His coming back into my life has been like ripping off a scab I didn’t even know was there. And now . . . now I don’t know how to react to the emotions seeing him brings up.”

  Jack set his coffee cup on the table beside him and pulled her into his arms. She nestled her head against his shoulder, breathing in the calming sense of his presence. For a moment, she could almost forget why she was waiting in the hospital with her father only a few doors down, and instead imagine what it would be like to delve into what Jack had told her last night. Their conversation was interrupted, but she hadn’t stopped thinking about what he said. Hadn’t been able to avoid wondering what might have happened if, all those years ago, he’d told her how he felt.

  But she knew all too well that she couldn’t change the past.

  She also wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with the confusing feelings passing between them. For the moment, she simply needed him to be there for her.

  “My advice,” Jack said, “is to remember that this is all going to take time to deal with, and in the meantime, don’t be so hard on yourself. I have a feeling God understands this is a process. It’s all a part of your healing.”

  “Thank you for listening and understanding me.” She blinked back the tears, then looked up at him. “For walking me back from the ledge—more than once.”

  “Always. I know this has been hard. I know you’re exhausted and probably haven’t even had time to process all of your emotions, but that’s okay. Because you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t hurt, Bree. And the bottom line is, you don’t have to go in there.”

  “But if I don’t, will I regret it?”

  “Only you can answer that.”

  She nodded, trying to pull up her last reserves of strength. The past week had sucked everything out of her both emotionally and physically. But this . . . having to deal with her father had pulled her to a place she didn’t want to go. But she needed closure, and she knew that the only way she would get that was to see him one last time. To forgive him, and then somehow find a way to move on.

  “I’ll regret it if I don’t go see him,” she said.

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  She shook her head and stood up. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine.”

  Aubrey drew in a deep breath as she walked down the hallway to her father’s hospital room. She stopped at the foot of his bed. He was asleep, giving her a few moments to prepare herself as she listened to the constant beep of the monitors surrounding him. But the deep-rooted anxiety refused to leave her alone. She turned to leave.

  “Aubrey . . . wait. Don’t go. I didn’t think you were going to come by.”

  Her stomach clenched. She shouldn’t have come. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

  “I’m glad you did. I wanted to see you one last time. There are so many things I need to tell you. I know you’re probably not going to believe me, but I never meant for any of this to happen.”

  “Never meant for what to happen?” She sucked in a deep breath and felt her anxiety increase. Where did she even begin, after so many years of silence between them? “Never meant to run off with a younger woman and break my mother’s heart? Never meant for me to be raised by a single mom who struggled to pay the bills? Or are you talking about betraying your country—”

  “Stop.”

  “Why? It’s all true.”

  “I know, I just . . . I never meant to hurt you in the process. You’re my daughter.”

  “No, you gave up that right when you walked out on me and Mom, and nothing you say now will change anything. Did you never think about how your choices were going to affect so many other people?”

  “I just . . . I made one bad mistake and then another and before I knew it, I had lost everything. And everything I did after that just made things worse.”

  “But they were all your choices, and you decided not to stand by your commitments. All I ever wanted was a father. Someone who came home at night after work. Who showed up at my ballet recital and high school graduation. That was enough for me. I wanted it to be enough for you.”

  “I’m sorry, Aubrey.”

  “And you know what’s really sad? This is what’s left of your life. You’re going to spend the rest of your life in prison.”

  He stared straight ahead, avoiding her gaze.

  “Just tell me why.”

  “Why I left your mother? Why I went and messed up my life? Why I hurt my only daughter?”

  She paused, surprised by his response. Not only had he admitted he’d hurt her, but the defiance he’d had in his eyes for so long was gone. Still, she wasn’t sure she believed him. He made his living lying and deceiving those around him. Why would this time be any different?

  “If I didn’t know better, it almost sounds like you regret your choices,” she said. “Or maybe you just regret getting caught.”

  “If I were to do it all over again . . . honestly . . . I don’t know what I’d do. But I do know one thing.” His hand trembled as he lifted it and held it out toward her. “I just . . . I need you to forgive me, Aubrey.”

  She crossed her arms in front of her, fixated on a spot on the wall just above his head. She knew Jack was right, but it seemed far too late for forgiveness. Nothing would give her back the lost pieces of her childhood or fix her mother’s broken heart.

  And after everything he’d done, did he really think that he could simply ask her to forgive him and everything would somehow magically be okay? His demeanor had completely changed from the last time she saw him. On the boat, he still seemed cocky and arrogant. Certain his plan was going to work out. But now he had no place to hide.

  She turned around, ready to walk out. There were memories that haunted her for years. Memories that faded over time as she learned how to move on with her life, but to truly forgive him after all the hurt he left behind? How was she supposed to do that?

  She could hear Jack’s words, pulsing through her head. Forgiveness wasn’t only for her father’s benefit, it was also for hers. But she wasn’t sure she knew how to do that. How did she just forgive the man who never spent a day thinking about anyone but himself?

  But maybe none of those things were what was at stake right now.

  Maybe her own heart was at stake. Maybe finally letting go was the only way she was going to be totally free of her past. Free of the bitterness that could overwhelm her if she let it.

  He’d made his decisions. Now she was going to make hers.

  She turned back around and faced him. “I’m deciding to forgive you. Because while you were off doing . . . whatever, we made it, Mom and I. We made a good life for ourselves, and in the end, you were the one who missed out on all the things a father is supposed to be a part of. You thought there was something better out there. But I choose to forgive you, because as imperfect as I see you, I’m just as imperfect.”

  A feeling of peace washed over her as she spoke. She’d lost out on having him as her father, but she’d been given so many other things in return. And it was time to start living again.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  AUBREY PULLED HER LEGS up beneath her and stared out across the gray-blue ocean. A ship was crossing the bay in the distance while seagulls dotted the sky above her. The past week had thrown her into a tailspin emotionally, and she just now felt as if she could start to find her way out of the whirlpool she’d been thrown into. Like she could finally believe that life might get back to normal one day. Whatever normal was. Maybe she’d never co
mpletely shake the feelings of loss over her father. Maybe that was okay.

  The waves rolled in, one after another. A piper hunted for food in the sand in front of her. Closer to the water’s edge, a scattering of jellyfish had washed up along the shoreline. She breathed in the familiar scent of salt water. The winter wind was cold, but not cold enough to completely counteract the rays of the sun.

  She closed her eyes and let its warmth embrace her. It was over—at least the flood of arrests—but emotionally it was going to take time to find her equilibrium again. Her father’s arrest had taken her back to a place she didn’t want to go. A place where dark memories continuously swirled around her. She’d slept until noon yesterday, and ten o’clock today. Something she never did. But the doctor she’d talked to told her that it was simply a physical reaction to all the stress she’d been under. And that given time, she’d have the energy to go back to work and life again. Her boss back at the precinct had agreed, insisting she not come back to work until she was ready. And maybe they were right. Maybe it was time she took the time off she needed and actually rested.

  “Bree?”

  She opened her eyes, looked up, and smiled. Jack stood over her, holding a paper bag and looking down at her. Her heart stirred at the sight of him. Jack Shannon, the one boy who could always make her laugh and feel safe. She’d missed him, but now that he was back in her life, she wasn’t sure where he fit anymore.

  “I thought I might find you out here,” he said.

  “Sit down.” She patted the sand next to her. “I guess it’s not the first time you’ve tracked me down and found me in this exact same spot.”

  He always was good at sensing her moods and used to tease her about how he could always figure out what she was thinking. Maybe he was right.

  “You don’t mind, do you?” he asked.

  Aubrey shook her head. “Of course not. I just needed a bit of quiet away from the busy house, and this seemed like the perfect place.”

  “I’ll admit, it is a bit hectic now that the senator’s back home with most of his kids and grandkids.”

  “That’s an understatement, though I know he’s loving every minute of it. We have a lot to be grateful for.”

  He settled in next to her and opened the takeout bag he was carrying. “I brought us milkshakes. Oreo with extra chocolate.”

  She took the offered gift, stuck in a straw, and took a sip. “You were right. You really can read my mind.”

  “I thought you might need a pick-me-up.”

  “I do, and I’ve secretly been craving one of these.”

  “How are you doing?”

  “My father’s lawyer called me. The judge denied bail. Said he was a flight risk.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “I think he was right.”

  “You don’t have to talk about this, but you never told me what he said to you in the hospital. I guess . . . I guess I was hoping some of this could bring you some closure. You’ve needed it for a long time.”

  She stared at her drink for a few long seconds, set it down, then turned to him. “He asked me to forgive him.”

  “What did you say?”

  “That I did forgive him, but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He’s probably going to spend the rest of his life in prison, and all he asks of me is my forgiveness. What gets me though is that he never said he was sorry for anything he’s done until he was caught and lost everything. It’s like he’s seeking atonement to somehow make him feel better, but me . . . what about everything I lost because of him?” She drew in a sharp breath. “I feel guilty about being irritated, but am I supposed to forgive him and simply brush off all the pain and disappointment?”

  “You have nothing to feel guilty about. I know that it couldn’t have been easy, but in the end, you will be able to move forward because you didn’t let bitterness consume you.”

  “You’re right.” She dug her fingers into the sand beside her, then let the granules filter through her fingers. “As hard as it is, there’s one thing I’ve learned about loss and betrayal.”

  “What’s that?”

  “My father walked out on me, but in the end he’s the one who really lost out on so much. And what he did doesn’t change who I am. A child of the King.”

  He reached out and took her free hand, lacing their fingers together.

  “I feel like I can finally move on. Like I found peace for the little girl inside me. Closure.”

  “You’ve been looking for that for a long time.”

  She nodded. “And found it in a place I never would have imagined—in the middle of all this chaos and pain and hurt. Somehow God met me right there. I will still have to testify at the trial, something I’m not looking forward to, but forgiving him doesn’t mean I’m going to let him control me anymore.”

  “I’m proud of you.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not like a hero who chose to run into a burning building to save someone. I was the one inside the building who somehow managed to get out alive.”

  “That’s an interesting analogy, but I think you’re wrong.” He took a sip of his shake, still holding on to her hand. “You’ve spent your entire life fighting for justice, and even though this case was personal, you were still a part of the solution. Even when things got hard—you never ran away.”

  She squeezed his hand. “You were just as much a part of all of this as I was. And you’ll never know how grateful I am that you were here with me. There are still a few loose ends to wrap up, but at least all of this is over for the most part.”

  “It’s not completely over.” Jack set his shake down next to him and turned to her. “We never got to finish our conversation.”

  She avoided his gaze, suddenly feeling awkward. Which was crazy. “The one about how you never told me how you really felt all those years ago?”

  “Yes. That one.” He ran his thumb across her hand. “And the one where I told you I still feel the same way right now.”

  Her stomach flipped as he stared down at her with those beautiful blue eyes of his. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what he’d said. But too much had happened since he arrived, and she was still struggling to process what she felt. No. There were too many emotions tangled up inside her for her to look at things objectively. But on the other hand, was love ever objective? Or even easy? Ever black and white?

  Maybe not.

  Relationships were complicated and sometimes hard to maintain. She’d learned that from personal experience. And it had made her think about something else as well. She’d always believed that her reluctance to move forward in relationships stemmed from the fact that she watched her father walk out on her mother. Because men—in her life anyway—had a habit of walking out.

  But what if that wasn’t the only reason she never settled down? What if she never gave her heart away because she’d already given it to Jack years ago?

  She searched for what she wanted to say. “You care about me, I get that, but a lot has gone on the past week, and whatever you’re feeling . . . it’s probably just your desire to protect me and keep me safe. You were always like that, but, Jack, so much has changed between back then and now. Neither of us is the same person we were when we lived here. And I’m not sure it’s possible to regain those feelings.”

  “Here’s the bottom line, Bree. I know now that I never stopped loving you. And I was a fool to never tell you. Maybe if I had, we’d be sitting here together, watching our kids playing out there in the sand, building sand castles and playing in the surf.”

  She stared out across the white sand, startled by how real that image seemed at the moment. “I always imagined that day would come. Married with three kids, a dog, and a mortgage.”

  “So, you want three kids?”

  She laughed. “Maybe. Someday.”

  She always figured that marriage would be a part of her life. That and kids. But was Jack really the one she’d been waiting for all these years? She’d d
ated on and off, found herself with a man she thought at the time might end up being the one she’d settle down with, but something always stopped her from even getting close to that. But maybe in an effort to save her heart, she never admitted the truth to herself.

  “At least say something. Even if you don’t feel the same way. I just need to know what you think.”

  “You’re really serious, aren’t you?”

  “You think I was just kidding?”

  “No, but . . . I don’t know. I almost always have something to say, but this time . . . I honestly have no idea how to respond.”

  She shifted on the towel, trying to sort through her churning feelings. Emotionally, the past few days had drained her, but she hadn’t missed the unexpected currents that had passed between them. Or that her pulse quickened when he walked into a room or touched her hand.

  She loved Jack.

  The thought shot through her, unexpected.

  She loved him.

  He brushed his fingers across her leg. “Just tell me what you’re thinking. That whether or not you felt this way back in college, you feel something between us now. And that maybe there’s a chance for us.” He held her gaze. “What are you feeling right now, Bree?”

  “My head is telling me to run away as far as I can go, because I’m going to end up getting hurt.” She broke away from his gaze and stared out across the water. “I think I’ve managed to run from men and relationships my entire life. Always afraid that I’ll end up like my mother, in a toxic relationship.”

  “But your heart? What’s your heart telling you about me, Bree? About us. Together.”

  She turned back to him. When had friendship turned into love? And if that was true, how was she supposed to keep her heart from being betrayed again? She shook off the fear. Just because there was heartache in the journey didn’t mean you ignored love in order to avoid pain. Maybe life was worth taking risks. Worth following your heart even when it took you to an unexpected place.

  Like realizing you were in love with your best friend.

  She dropped her gaze to his five-o’clock shadow, then to his lips, remembering all the times he’d made her laugh and how much she’d missed that.