by S. H. Kolee
I had been by his bedside for hours and it was almost morning. Doctors had come in and out throughout the night, and they all said the same thing. We need to wait and see. They had given me explanations full of medical jargon, and I had nodded, not caring about the whys and hows. After every explanation, I had simply asked, Is he going to be okay? Will he wake up? And all I had gotten was the “wait and see” answer.
I wanted to contact his parents, but I had no idea how to get in touch with them. They always vacationed during the holiday season and the only thing I knew about their whereabouts was that they were on a ship somewhere near Italy. I had tried both their cell phones through Logan’s phone, but neither call could be completed. I had scrolled through his contacts to find other relatives, even though I knew he didn’t have much extended family, but I had gotten nowhere. I told myself it didn’t matter, because Logan would wake up any minute. He had to.
The morning nurse came in and gave me a bland smile. I knew I must look like a mess from the accident and from sitting by Logan’s bed all night, but that didn’t even enter the realm of things I could possibly care about.
“How’s our patient doing this morning?” she asked, in a tone that was a little too cheerful. I knew she was trying to be upbeat but it grated on me. She said it like Logan was here to get his tonsils out, and she wanted to know if he was ready for his ice cream.
“Just dandy. He woke up, did some morning calisthenics, checked the weather for today, and then slipped back into unconsciousness.”
The nurse’s smile didn’t crack and she just nodded as she went about checking Logan. She was probably just trying to humor the crazy lady so that she could do her job and get out of there as soon as possible.
I was relieved when she left, still with that daft smile on her face. I wondered if she tortured small animals when she got home after a long shift.
I sighed and rubbed my eyes. The doctors had encouraged me to go home and get some rest. Shower. Change clothes. Eat something. But how could I leave Logan? I was afraid that if I left his side, he would slip away from me. As ridiculous as it sounded, I felt like my presence would somehow anchor him here.
I was startled when Logan’s cell phone started ringing. I grabbed it from the side table and frowned when I saw it was Mack. What was he doing calling so early? I hesitated, not knowing if I should answer it. I decided that he was Logan’s friend and he had a right to know what had happened, even if I wasn’t sure I wanted him around.
“Hello?”
There was a long pause before Mack said anything. “Madison?”
A part of me wanted to retort, “No, Kristina,” but I reined myself in. My emotions were all over the place with Logan’s condition, and I knew I just wanted to lash out at someone, but it wouldn’t be fair. The person responsible for Logan’s condition was beyond reach.
“Yes, it’s Madison,” I replied wearily. “Logan and I were in a car accident last night. We’re at the hospital.”
“Oh, my God. Are you guys all right?”
I felt my throat start to tighten and I tried to keep calm. “Logan…he’s unconscious. The doctors keep saying there’s nothing wrong with him physically and they’re just waiting for him to wake up. But they also keep saying the longer he stays unconscious, the more risks there are.” Tears streamed down my face and my voice hitched. Actually telling someone about what had happened seemed to burst open the dams. “I don’t know what to do except sit here and hold his hand. What are the fucking odds of Logan being in an accident twice in the span of a few days? How is this fair? How the fuck is this fair?”
I was sobbing and I felt like I didn’t have enough breath for the wailing that threatened to explode from my body.
“Madison, which hospital are you at? I’ll be right there.”
Mack somehow understood me through my sobs and promised he would be there as soon as possible. I couldn’t stop crying after he had hung up. Now that I had truly started crying, the fear of possibly losing Logan was too searingly painful to contain within myself. It poured out of my body and I sobbed until I was too physically exhausted to continue. I looked at Logan lying there. He looked so peaceful, so oblivious to the tornado of raw emotion that had just been on display right next to him. I wanted to shake him awake, to beg him not to leave me, not to leave us.
I turned when I heard the door to Logan’s room open, expecting Nurse Cheerful again, probably to tell me to keep it down because my soul-wrenching agony was a little too disruptive. Instead, I saw Mack, his face drawn and concerned. I was surprised at how quickly he had gotten here. He must have immediately rushed over after hanging up the phone.
I looked at him awkwardly, not knowing what to say. He was a virtual stranger, after all.
He walked over to the bed and stood beside me, looking down at Logan, his expression solemn. After a few moments, he turned to me. “You look exhausted. Have you eaten?”
I shook my head. The last thing I wanted to think about was eating. “I know I look like hell. Comes with the territory, I guess.” I sounded more flippant than I meant to, but the words just slipped out.
“Madison,” he said gently. “You’re going to make yourself sick. I spoke to Logan’s doctor before I came in, and they have no idea how long he’ll be unconscious. You need to keep yourself healthy so that you can be there for him for as long as it takes.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered. “I’m scared if I let go of his hand, he’ll leave me. I know that sounds crazy, but what if it’s true?”
Mack watched me for a few moments before saying anything. I expected him to tell me I was being silly, or promise me that Logan wouldn’t slip away if I let go of his hand. The last thing I expected was for him to humor me. “Is there a friend I can call who can stop by your place and pick up some stuff for you? I’m sure you can still freshen up without letting go of Logan’s hand. And you can certainly eat with just one hand.”
In that moment, the amount of gratitude I felt towards Mack couldn’t be expressed in words. I had felt so totally alone, and suddenly I wasn’t.
“Emily,” I finally said. “I can ask Emily.”
Mack held out his hand. “Give me your phone. I’ll call her.”
I shook my head, feeling a bit foolish. “It’s okay. I can call her.” I made an attempt at a shaky smile. “I can use my phone with just one hand.”
Mack smiled back. “I know you can, but let me. You’ve been through enough.”
I surprised myself when I gave him my phone willingly. I watched him as he scrolled through my phone and pressed the button to call Emily.
“Hi, this is Mack, Logan and Madison’s friend,” he said after a few moments of silence. He paused, presumably to let Emily express surprise that he was calling her on my phone. “They were in a car accident. Madison is fine, but she needs a change of clothes and whatever else you think she needs to spend the night here. Logan is unconscious and she’s not planning on leaving his side anytime soon.”
I listened to him answer her questions, although he kept his explanations brief. When he disconnected the call and handed my phone back to me, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he dragged a chair over and sat next to me.
“What did she say?” I finally asked.
“She asked how you guys were doing. She sounded pretty worried. She said she would be here with your stuff as soon as possible.”
I rubbed my forehead wearily. “She was probably already at work. She can’t really afford to take any time off. She’s super busy right now, and her boss has been riding her lately. I shouldn’t have told you to call her.”
Mack shook his head. “She didn’t sound bothered. In fact, I think she was upset that you hadn’t contacted her earlier.”
I sighed and leaned my head forward, resting it against the bed, and closing my eyes. They burned from lack of sleep, but there was no way I would be able to get any rest. Not until Logan woke up. I tightened my grip on Logan’s hand and said my millionth prayer.
>
Mack and I were silent, neither of us feeling the need to talk. I no longer felt awkward around him. The conversation between us last night seemed so trivial now.
He seemed to have read my mind and broke the silence. “About last night, and what we talked about—”
I raised my head and cut him off before he could continue. “Let’s forget that ever happened. It was a stupid conversation fueled by my insecurities. I honestly couldn’t care less right now about what happened between Logan and Kristina. I should have just asked him in the first place instead of questioning you.”
Mack gave me a half-smile. “I just wanted to say, in case I wasn’t clear enough, there’s no one besides you, Madison. There never has been for Logan. During law school, there were plenty of girls who would have done just about anything for a date with Logan. I asked him once why he never seemed to take any girl seriously, and that’s when he told me about you.” Mack paused a few beats before continuing. “He told me about Cassie, too. He said you were broken by what had happened, and he was waiting for enough time to pass so that you were healed enough to give him another chance. A man that much in love, that devoted to one woman, isn’t going to risk his relationship by cheating.”
Instead of Mack’s words making me feel better, I felt crushed. I had expended so much energy suspecting Logan of cheating, when I knew in my heart that he could never do anything like that. And now I was possibly going to lose him. It seemed too cruel.
I didn’t say anything, because there was nothing to say. We lapsed back into silence and stayed that way until I heard the door open. Emily looked worried as she came in, setting the bags she was carrying down onto the floor before giving me a hug.
“Madison, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe this happened.”
I tried to give her a wavering smile, not wanting to break down again. “I bet your boss is pissed you’re not at work right now.”
“Screw Sylvia,” Emily said, waving her hand. “This is way more important than designing some stupid office space.” She put her arm around me as she looked at Logan lying deathly still on the bed. “What happened?”
I gave her the details of the accident and the aftermath, as well as my reluctance to let go of his hand. She was as understanding as Mack, whom I had briefly introduced her to.
“I brought a few changes of clothes and your toiletries. Let me help you undress. I bet you’re more sore than you think, since you must have gotten pretty banged up during the accident.” She turned to Mack with an arched brow. “You should probably leave the room for this.”
He got up agreeably and left the room, asking if we wanted anything to drink. Emily ordered him to get coffee for us, and although he raised his eyebrows at her commanding tone, he affably went to go get them.
“Way to boss him around,” I said, smiling faintly. I could always count on Emily to lift my spirits, no matter the situation.
She wrinkled her nose. “He annoys me. He’s the type who looks at a woman and thinks he knows everything about her. He’s too good looking to like.”
Despite everything going on, my smile widened, although I didn’t comment. I let her help me change and accepted the wet washcloth and toothbrush she gave me so that I could wipe my face and brush my teeth.
We were done by the time Mack knocked on the door and called out, “Is everyone decent?”
“You can come in,” Emily said. “We’re all done.”
Mack strolled in with the coffees and pulled another chair over for Emily. She gave him a curt thank you as she took the proffered coffee and sat down. In another situation, I would have laughed at how discomfited she was by Mack. She definitely had an instant crush on him, and was pissed and trying to fight it. Later, when Logan was awake and okay, I would warn her about his womanizing ways.
Both Mack and Emily stayed until the afternoon, despite my insistence that they go to work. I knew how heavy Emily’s workload was right now, and Mack undoubtedly had a lot of things he was ignoring since he had come to Chicago for work.
Doctors and nurses were in and out throughout the day, but there were no new updates. Thankfully, the previous robotic nurse had been replaced with one who actually seemed human. Mack went out and got us lunch, and we silently ate our sandwiches until Emily turned on the TV so that there were other sounds besides us chewing. Through it all, Logan just lay there, still as death.
Emily checked her watch and sighed. “I hate to leave but Lola needs to go out.”
“Please go,” I insisted. “I’m grateful for you staying today, but I know you have so much going on. And the poor dog needs to pee and eat.” I turned to Mack. “You too. I know you have work to do. I really appreciate you staying, but I’m okay. I’ll look after Logan.”
After some protests from Mack, they both finally left, and then it was just Logan and me. I started talking to him, hoping that he could hear me on some level. I talked about nothing of significance. Just things that popped into my head, or comments about whatever was coming on the TV that had been left on. Hours passed, and I talked until my throat was dry, willing a response from Logan, but he just lay there, silent.
It was getting dark and I stared out the window into the night. I was lost in my thoughts when I heard the door open. I was surprised to see Mack walk in. He smiled and held up a bag of takeout. “Both of us have to eat dinner. I figured it was better not to eat alone.”
Despite my earlier insistence that he leave, I was glad Mack was back. My stomach grumbled at the smell of food. “Thanks,” I said simply, not fighting his kindness. “I appreciate it.”
We dug into the Thai food, not saying much. The TV was still on but it was just background noise, neither of us paying attention to it. After we were both done eating, Mack turned to a sports channel and leaned back, propping his feet up. I didn’t ask him why he was staying. I was happy for the company.
I didn’t know how much time had passed, but I felt myself dozing off. I kept catching myself and waking up, but the fatigue was hard to fight. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up.
“You really need to get some sleep,” Mack said with a concerned look. “You’re going to make yourself sick.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could say anything, his eyes widened. He wasn’t looking at me anymore. He was looking at Logan. I shot my head around to look at him, and my heart almost burst out of my chest in happiness. He was awake! Logan was awake!
“Logan,” I said softly, not wanting to startle him. His eyes shifted from Mack’s face to mine. “You’re in the hospital. We were in an accident. But you’re okay.”
His expression turned confused and when he spoke, his voice was hoarse from disuse. “Accident? What kind of accident?”
“A car accident,” I explained. “A drunk driver hit us last night when we were driving home from dinner with Mack. You don’t remember any of it?”
Logan shook his head and then winced in pain. I heard Mack behind me paging the doctor but I kept my attention on Logan. “You don’t remember the accident or you don’t remember us going to dinner with Mack?”
“I don’t remember either,” Logan croaked. “We went to dinner together?”
I frowned at him. It was an odd question to ask. “Yes. We went to meet Mack since he’s in town for work.”
“Who’s Mack?”
I swallowed hard, taken aback by his answer. “Your friend, Mack. You guys went to law school together.” Logan expression still remained confused. He pulled his hand out of mine.
I turned to Mack, panic rising. Did Logan have brain damage? “He doesn’t remember you. He doesn’t know who you are.” I heard my voice rising in fear and paused, trying to rein in my emotions. Logan needed me to stay calm.
“Let’s wait for the doctor to get here,” Mack said, although he looked just as worried.
It seemed forever until a doctor came in. He checked Logan over, and then asked him a few questions about current events, such as who the President of the Unite
d States was. I let out a breath of relief when he answered them all correctly. I was even more relieved when he was able to state where he worked and his address and phone number.
“It’s so weird that he remembers all of that but he doesn’t remember you,” I commented, looking at Mack.
“It’s not uncommon for a person to lose memory from only certain parts of their life while retaining the memory of others,” the doctor said. He turned back to Logan, gesturing towards Mack. “Do you know this man?”
Logan shook his head. “No.” He grimaced at Mack. “Sorry.”
“What about her?” the doctor asked, nodding towards me. I opened my mouth to protest. Of course he knew who I was. It was Mack he couldn’t remember. Whatever I had been about to say died on my lips when I saw him shake his head.
“I don’t know who she is, either.”
My knees almost buckled in shock and horror. I felt Mack put his arm around me, but I shook it off, moving closer to Logan.
“What do you mean, you don’t know who I am? It’s me, Madison! Maddie!”
Logan shook his head again. “I’m sorry. I don’t know who you are.”
I must be in a nightmare. I must have fallen asleep because I was so tired, and this was all a dream. There was no way this could possibly be happening right now. I turned to the doctor, desperate for answers.
“What’s happening? Why can’t he remember me? Is this temporary?”
“Most patients with amnesia get their memory back. It just takes time. We also have to remember that this is the second head trauma he’s experienced in a short period of time. I’m not surprised that some of his recall is compromised. It’s most likely a temporary thing.”
“Most likely?” I repeated, starting to get angry. “That’s the most accurate assessment you can give us?”
The doctor looked at me sympathetically, despite my angry tone. “We don’t fully understand how amnesia works. We do know that having familiar people around and talking about past events help to trigger the memories. Sometimes, it only takes a few days, sometimes it takes a few weeks or longer.” He paused before continuing. “Sometimes, it can take years.”