by S. H. Kolee
I was stunned into silence. I didn’t say anything as the doctor further questioned Logan. He remembered his father and mother. He even remembered that they were on vacation. He remembered his co-workers and other insignificant people, like the name of his doorman. Yet, he couldn’t remember the important people of his life. He started getting frustrated the more questions the doctor asked that he couldn’t answer.
“Are you sure I’m supposed to know these people?” he asked irritably. “They could have just walked off the street and claimed to know me.”
“Why, exactly, would we do that?” Mack asked, speaking to Logan for the first time since he had woken up.
“Why do people do anything?” Logan said crossly. “Money.”
Mack scoffed. “Trust me, I have plenty of my own money.”
“What about her,” Logan shot back, jerking his head towards me. “She could see me as an easy meal ticket.”
My stomach churned. How the hell could this be happening? Mack looked at Logan angrily. “Watch it. Just because you have holes in your memory doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole.”
The doctor put his hands up, stopping the conversation. He turned to Mack and me. “It’s natural for him to feel frustrated. How would you feel if you woke up to strangers insisting that they know you? You have to go about this gently.” He looked at Logan. “This woman was in the car with you at the time of the accident. You obviously know her.”
“Is she my wife?” Logan asked, looking at me critically.
“No,” I said quietly, feeling humiliated by his study of me. “Your girlfriend.”
“For how long?”
That was a hard question to answer. Despite our history together, we hadn’t officially been a couple for very long.
“For about four months.”
Logan scoffed. “We barely know each other then. No wonder I don’t remember you.”
Even if Logan didn’t remember me, he didn’t have to be so cruel about it. I wanted to explain how we had known each other for years, but the explanation got stuck in my throat. I was afraid he would dismiss it as well. Mack spoke up instead.
“Listen, you’ve known Madison since you were a kid in college. You’ve loved her since then. Just because you don’t remember her doesn’t mean you have to act like a dick.”
Logan frowned. “That can’t be true, because she said we’ve only been together for four months. That doesn’t make sense.”
How the hell could I explain our complicated history and make him understand. Hell, I didn’t understand everything that had happened between us.
“It’s not a good idea to rush into trying to remember,” the doctor interjected. “It’s better to make it a slow process. We’re going to keep him a couple of days for observation. I think it’s best if we stop trying to trigger his memory tonight, and let him rest. He’s been through a lot.”
I had a million thoughts and emotions going through me, and I felt like I was going to burst from trying to contain them, but I forced myself to be calm.
“Maybe your memory will come back tomorrow, after a night of rest. I’m sure that once you’ve had time to think things through, you’ll start to remember everything.”
Logan watched me with a measured expression. It felt foreign to have him look at me so impersonally. No matter what our issues had been in the past, one thing I had never experienced from him was detachment.
Logan sighed wearily, looking exhausted. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Let’s go,” Mack said to me. “We’ll let him rest.”
“I’m staying the night,” I replied. “Logan shouldn’t be left alone.”
Mack started to object, but he was cut off by Logan.
“I would prefer to be alone.” He paused, looking uncertain. “I guess you can come back tomorrow though.”
It felt like a knife had been pierced through my heart. I had sat by Logan’s bed for countless hours, praying for him to wake up. Bargaining with God that I would give up anything and everything if only Logan would regain consciousness. I had gotten my wish, but the way he was looking at me now was killing me. His eyes were wary and cautious, as if he couldn’t decide whether I was really someone of importance in his life, or merely a con artist.
“I don’t think you should be alone,” I protested quietly. “I know you don’t remember who I am, but I care about you, Logan. I think I should stay here with you tonight.”
Logan grimaced, looking annoyed. “I’m sorry, but I won’t feel comfortable with you in the room. Please leave.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat, willing myself not to cry. I felt raw and exposed by Logan’s rejection of me, but I reminded myself this wasn’t really him talking. I just had to be patient.
“I think it’s best to respect his wishes,” the doctor said. He gave me a reassuring smile. “We’ll check on him around the clock. He’ll be constantly monitored.”
I nodded my head, not knowing what else to say. I picked up my bags and looked at Logan, but his head was already back against the pillow and his eyes were closed. I numbly let go of my bags when Mack took them from me, and followed him out of the room.
“Are you okay?”
I looked at Mack’s concerned face. As much as I wanted to break down, I had leaned on him enough. I needed to stay strong.
“I’m okay,” I said with a wan smile. “It’s a little jarring to realize that the one person you love the most in the world doesn’t know who you are, but I’m sure it’s temporary.” I pressed my lips together, drawing a deep breath. “I know it’s temporary. It has to be. Logan just needs time to regain his memory.”
Mack nodded his head. “I’m sure you’re right.”
I took the ride Mack offered me in his rental car, since the last thing I wanted to deal with now was trying to get a taxi. We didn’t say anything during the car ride except for my directions to my apartment. I was grateful for the lack of conversation, because my emotions were a mess.
When Mack pulled up in front of my apartment, I thanked him for the ride and opened my door.
“Madison,” he said. I turned back and looked at him. He had a serious look on his face. “He’ll get his memory back. Everything will be okay.”
His kindness made me want to burst into tears, but I just nodded my head. “I know,” I said softly. “I have to believe it, because there’s no other alternative I can live with.”
I got out of Mack’s car and walked up the steps to my building. My words reverberated in my head. Logan would regain his memory and we would continue our happy life together. I didn’t think I could exist in a world where that wasn’t true.
Chapter Seven
I barely slept that night. I contemplated taking sleeping pills, but after seeing Logan unconscious, the last thing I wanted to be in was a drug-induced sleep. The first thing I did in the morning was email my boss to let him know that I would be taking a few weeks off due to a personal issue. I had no idea if he would accept this excuse, but my job was low on my priorities at the moment.
I was in a rush in get back to the hospital, so I took a quick shower and threw on some clothes. The instant I walked out into the cold morning air, I regretted not drying my hair, but those were minutes I didn’t want to lose. I felt a sense of urgency, like if I didn’t get to the hospital fast enough, I would lose what little connection I had to Logan.
When I finally arrived at the hospital and got to his room, he was already sitting up and eating breakfast.
“Hi,” I said, feeling awkward. This wasn’t the Logan I knew and loved. I didn’t know how this Logan would react to me being here.
I was relieved when he smiled at me. “Hi. Thanks for coming.”
I walked a little closer until I was a couple of feet from his bed. I struggled for something to say and looked down at his tray. His scrambled eggs looked like they could be used to spackle the walls, and the fruit salad was drowning in syrup. I glanced at Logan with a wry smile. “Breakfast of cham
pions, eh?”
Logan grimaced. “I’m trying to choke it down but it’s pretty hard. I’m dreaming of a Western omelet.”
I felt an ache at his words. Logan always used to say my Western omelets were the best. It hurt to realize that I was the only one with that memory. It was something we no longer shared.
“I’m sorry about last night.”
I looked up at Logan, surprised by his words. I watched him as he continued to speak.
“You can imagine that it was a bit of a shock to wake up in a hospital and be told you’ve lost part of your memory, and that the strangers standing in front of you aren’t really strangers. I was unkind and I didn’t mean to be. It was just a lot to take in.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I admit that it was hard for me to hear you say you don’t who I am.” I gave him a look of determination. “But we’re going to remedy that.”
Logan raised his eyebrow, his expression of bemusement so familiar that it hurt a little. “And how are we going to do that?”
“We’re going to do the total Madison immersion.” I smiled, trying to bring a little levity into the situation. “Madison all day and all night. You’ll love it.”
“All night?” repeated Logan with a quirk of his mouth. “It doesn’t sound half bad.”
I flushed, not knowing how to take his comment. I decided to just ignore it since it was too confusing to try to figure out our dynamics. Logan was the love of my life, yet to him, I was a stranger. “We should start with questions. Ask me anything you want and I’ll answer them.”
I sat down in the chair next to his bed. I was ready to stay here as long as it took for Logan to regain his memory.
Logan studied me for a few moments before speaking. “Are we in love with each other?”
I hadn’t expected that to be his first question and I swallowed audibly. “I believe we are. I mean, you tell me that you love me.” I bit my lip. “And I love you.”
Logan frowned. “You said we had only been together for four months, but the guy last night said I had been in love with you since college.”
How could I explain our convoluted history? Especially when a large part of that history included Cassie. I didn’t want to talk about her death. But what choice did I have?
“You and I met while we were at the University of Michigan. You were actually my best friend’s boyfriend. Do you remember Cassie?” Logan shook his head and I took a deep breath before continuing. “She was my best friend since elementary school, and you guys started dating our junior year. You and I started spending a lot of time together and one thing led to another…”
It sounded so sordid when I tried to describe it. I couldn’t put into words how strong our feelings had been for each other. How it had felt as if there was no point in being alive if we couldn’t be together.
“We never meant to hurt her,” I said, looking down at my lap. “We just couldn’t stay away from each other. We were planning on telling her about us, but before we could…she killed herself.”
I looked up at Logan, but his expression remained impassive. I continued to talk when he didn’t say anything. “I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. I blamed myself because…” I shrugged my shoulders. “I blamed myself because it was obviously my fault. You were convinced she didn’t know about us, but I wasn’t so sure.” I reached up and fingered the heart pendant around my neck, trying to draw strength from it. “I refused to have contact with you until about five years later, when you moved to Chicago. We became friends, and then much more.”
I looked at Logan to try to gauge his reaction, but his expression was unreadable. “I was feeling a lot of guilt about being together because of Cassie’s death, and I pretty much pushed you away. You moved to L.A. for your job for about a year, and then came back to Chicago. We realized that we couldn’t stay apart, so we started a relationship again. So, it’s been four months since then.”
Logan looked at me contemplatively for a while, before speaking. “It’s funny. I remember going to the University of Michigan. I remember moving to Chicago and then L.A., and then back again. But it’s like the significant people in my life during those time periods have been wiped from my memory.”
It wasn’t the reaction I was expecting, after confessing our past to him. He was so matter-of-fact after I told him our history, including the death of Cassie.
He sighed heavily. “I need some time to process everything that you’ve told me.”
I hesitated. “Does that mean you want me to leave?”
Logan shook his head. “No, I’d like it if you stayed. We can talk more about the past.”
I was relieved he wasn’t dismissing me. That was something, at least. The rest of the morning was spent on lighter topics, where I filled in some blanks about his work and family, although he remembered a lot about those areas of his life. Nurses and doctors were in and out while we talked, but we concentrated on each other. As painful as it was that Logan didn’t remember me, I was reminded of why I loved being in his company so much. We instantly clicked in ways I had taken for granted, laughing at random jokes and sometimes talking over each other because we had so much to say. It reminded me that I should be grateful that he was alive and healthy. The memories would come later. I was just thankful that I hadn’t lost him.
The morning flew by and I was surprised when I saw that it was already lunchtime. One of the nurses brought in Logan’s lunch and he looked at it in distaste. “What is it?”
“Meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans,” the nurse replied briskly before she left.
“I’m not sure you should eat that,” I said, eyeing the gray piece of meat on his plate, partially covered by a thick gravy. “That barely resembles food.” I laughed when Logan poked at the meatloaf with a fork as if he was afraid it would move on its own. “Why don’t I get some lunch for us. Are you in the mood for anything?”
Before he could answer, the door opened and Mack strode in. He held up a brown bag with a smile. “Did someone say lunch?”
I blinked at him, surprised by his presence, although I shouldn’t have been. He obviously cared about Logan so it made sense that he made time in his schedule to visit him. I was actually happy to see him because he could help jar Logan’s memory.
Logan didn’t look as happy as I was to see him. His mouth was set in a firm line and he was studying Mack in a not-so-friendly manner.
“We were just lamenting the hospital’s version of lunch,” I said, waving my hand towards the tray of food. “I was going to go out and get us some real food.”
“Then I’m your favorite person today,” Mack said, grinning. “I got some subs from Deluccio’s. Everyone at work raved about them.”
I grabbed Logan’s arm without thinking. “The subs from Deluccio’s are amazing! They must put crack in their bread or something. We eat them all the time.”
I looked down at my hand on Logan’s arm and started to draw back. I had been careful not to be affectionate with him because I didn’t want to push him. Despite things going well today, it had been kept on an impersonal level. I didn’t want to alienate Logan by demanding too much too soon.
Before I could pull my hand back all the way, Logan grabbed it and held it firmly in his. I looked at him in surprise, but he was looking past me at Mack. There was a territorial gleam in his eye that I recognized, and it gave me a spurt of hope.
“Why are you here?” Logan’s tone wasn’t friendly, and Mack’s grin faded. He looked confused, hurt even, by Logan’s confrontational question.
“You’ve been friends with Mack since law school,” I said, trying to smooth things over. “You were looking forward to him coming into town for work because you hadn’t seen him in a while.” Logan’s jaw was still tense so I spoke quickly, trying to get him to realize that Mack wasn’t the enemy. “Remember how I told you about the accident you were in back in L.A.? Mack was the one who was there for you at the hospital.”
Logan’s jaw relaxed a lit
tle, but he still didn’t look too friendly. He turned to me with his eyes narrowed. “How long have you two known each other?”
I looked at him in surprise. “Me and Mack? I only just met him on Monday at dinner, before the accident.” It suddenly dawned on me that Logan was jealous. Despite not remembering me and our relationship, there was obviously enough there for him to be suspicious about Mack.
“I just came by to bring you lunch,” Mack said with a shrug of his shoulders. Despite his easy countenance, I saw that his sharp gaze didn’t miss a thing. “I can leave.”
Mack had been there for me when I had needed him, and I knew the real Logan would hate for him to feel unwanted.
“Don’t be silly,” I said with a smile. “We could never turn away a man bearing Deluccio’s subs.”
Logan nodded, although not as enthusiastically. “Thanks for bringing lunch.” He glanced down at his tray. “I wasn’t sure how I was going to choke down their version of meatloaf.” When he looked up, he had a friendlier expression on his face but he kept a firm grip on my hand. I wasn’t complaining. I felt a thrill from having physical contact with Logan again, even if it was just holding hands.
Mack’s expression was unreadable as he handed out the subs. “How are you feeling?” He glanced at our intertwined hands before taking a bite of his sandwich.
“Better. Not remembering everything yet, but Madison has been helping me.” It felt weird to hear Logan call me Madison. It sounded so formal when I was used to him calling me Maddie.
“I’d be happy to help in any way I can,” Mack said. “I’m not sure how much you remember about our law school days.”
I could see Logan warming up to Mack as he asked him questions about their past. It was obvious from Mack’s answers that he and Logan had been very good friends, and Logan’s walls started to come down. By the time we were done eating, Logan was relaxed and joked easily with Mack.