by S. H. Kolee
“I’ll keep my mouth shut,” Logan promised. “I won’t speak unless you want me to.”
The rental agent who had been helping us watched us with avid interest. I saw the way she had been eyeing Logan earlier, and now she practically drooled with anticipation as she drank in every salacious detail of our conversation. I abruptly got up.
“I won’t be needing your help,” I said to the rental agent. “Thanks anyway.”
I turned on my heel and walked outside. Logan followed me, his expression hopeful. It killed me that he thought he could act like he hadn’t done anything wrong, but the truth was I needed to get to Laurenston as soon as possible, and currently he was my only option. I briefly considered calling other rental car locations to see what they had available, but I didn’t have the time to waste.
I sighed in resignation. “Okay, I accept your offer. But I won’t hesitate to get out of your car, even if it’s on the side of the highway, if you push me to talk about things I don’t want to discuss.”
Logan looked relieved. “I understand.”
We got back in his car and we drove in silence for a while. I was the first one to break the silence.
“I’m going to Laurenston in Michigan. I guess I should ask you if you remember how to get there.”
Logan nodded, smiling grimly. “That I can remember. I can’t seem to remember the important things in my life, but I seem to have retained all the meaningless shit.”
I didn’t comment and we lapsed back into silence. I could feel Logan glancing at me every now and then, but I ignored him, trying to concentrate on what I would do once I got to the Brooks’ home.
An hour had passed before either of us spoke again. I could see out of my peripheral that Logan was looking at me, and I finally looked back at him.
“Can you keep your eyes on the road?” I asked, trying not to sound annoyed. “I’d like to get to Laurenston in one piece.”
“Why are you going there?” he asked, turning his gaze back to the road. “I thought your father was vacationing in Florida.”
“I’m not going there to visit my father.”
I knew Logan was waiting for me to elaborate, but I wasn’t about to tell him what was going on with Mrs. Brooks. He had no place in my life anymore, and I didn’t want to share any of it with him. I was desperate for the old Logan who would have been my rock throughout all of this, but he no longer existed.
Logan sighed but he didn’t push any further. As we got closer to Laurenston, I realized that I would have to tell Logan exactly where I was going since he was the one driving me.
“Do you remember where the Brooks’ live?” I asked.
“You mean Cassie’s parents?” Logan shook his head. “No. I remember how to get to Laurenston, but in my mind it’s just a faceless town. The only reason I know it’s your hometown is because you told me before, in the hospital. I have no idea where Cassie’s parents live.”
How could he look like Logan, sound like Logan, even act like Logan, but not be Logan? I gave myself a mental shake. For all I knew, the man in the car with me now was the real Logan. He could have been cheating on me with Kristina before the accident and just hid it from me. I forced myself to stop thinking about it. All I was doing was torturing myself.
I cleared my mind and directed Logan to the Brooks’ house. He parked in front of the house and turned off the engine.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said, my stomach churning as I stared at their house. It was a beautiful Colonial home that hid a multitude of dysfunction, and I was dreading going inside. I always felt like I was falling into a rabbit hole when I entered their house, where logic and linear time no longer existed.
“Do you want me to go inside with you?” Logan asked.
I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. You can go ahead and leave since I don’t know how long I’ll be here. I’ll probably be spending the night.”
Despite my words, I made no motion to leave the car. I just sat in the passenger seat, staring at the house that suddenly looked foreboding. I had rushed here with such a sense of urgency, but now fear of what I was about to walk into made me drag my feet.
“Are you sure?” Logan asked gently. I turned my head to look at him and my heart ached at the way he was looking at me. There was such care and affection in his gaze. It was the way he used to look at me before he lost his memory, when he knew who the hell I was.
I opened my mouth to refuse again, but I found myself saying yes.
“Can you come in for a little bit?” I paused, before continuing. “I’m just a little nervous about what state I’m going to find Mrs. Brooks in.”
“Of course. I’ll stay as long as you like.”
Logan got out of the car and walked over to my side, opening the passenger door. I looked up at him, and in that moment, I was grateful for his presence, regardless of what had happened the past few days.
I rang the doorbell and we waited awhile for someone to answer. When Mr. Brooks finally opened the door, I was shocked by his appearance.
He seemed to have aged ten years since the last time I had seen him. His face was sallow and there were dark circles under his eyes. Every line on his face spoke to the fatigue and anxiety he must be living with.
“Thank God, you’re here,” he said. “She’s desperate to see you.”
He glanced at Logan, not hiding the hostility in his expression. “What are you doing here? And why do you look like you’ve been in a brawl.” He glanced back at me and his expression darkened even more. “Did he hit you?”
“He was my ride,” I explained, ignoring his comment about Logan’s appearance, but I couldn’t let his question about Logan hitting me go unanswered. “And of course he didn’t hit me.” I was going to leave it at that, but with the way Mr. Brooks was glowering at Logan, I didn’t think he was going to let him pass through the door. “I want Logan here with me.”
“But, Madison,” Mr. Brooks protested. “I don’t know how Judith will react to seeing him. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“She doesn’t have to see him, but I’m not coming in without him.” Although, initially, I had wanted him to leave, having Logan beside me made all of this seem bearable. If only for today, I wanted to pretend that he was my support system and I could depend on him. I would deal with reality tomorrow.
I thought Mr. Brooks was going to refuse to let Logan in, but then his shoulders slumped and he just stepped back to let us in. Mr. Brooks had always been a pillar of strength, but the man standing before me looked weak and frail.
“She’s in our bedroom,” he said. “I’ll take you up there.”
“Why don’t you stay downstairs?” I said to Logan. “I’ll let you know if I need you.”
Logan frowned. “Are you sure? I could wait outside the door.”
“It’s okay. Thanks, though.”
Logan didn’t look too happy, but he didn’t say anything further as I left him to follow Mr. Brooks upstairs. He paused outside the bedroom door before opening it.
“Please don’t say anything to upset her. She’s in a very fragile state right now and the wrong word could destroy her.” Mr. Brooks wrung his hands. “I know you think I’ve gone about this the wrong way. That I should force her to face the truth. I’ve tried, in my own way. But, anytime I allude to the fact that Cassie is dead, it sets her back so much. She can’t handle it. She can’t live in a world where Cassie isn’t alive, so I kept up the façade to keep her from hurting herself.” Mr. Brooks face was filled with anguish. “Because I can’t live in a world without her.”
My heart broke for him, and I promised to try not to upset Mrs. Brooks, although I wasn’t sure if that was possible. Mr. Brooks slowly opened the door and ushered me inside.
The curtains were all drawn, making the room dim. I saw Mrs. Brooks sitting up in bed under the covers, her hands folded on her lap as if she were expecting visitors. She had lost weight since the last time I had seen her, and her face was drawn, her cheeks hol
low. Her head turned towards me when she heard us enter, and her gaunt face was transformed with a beaming smile.
“Madison!” she exclaimed, holding her hands out to me eagerly. I glanced at Mr. Brooks before stepping towards her, and I could see that his eyes were wet with unshed tears.
Mrs. Brooks’ grip was strong as she grasped my hands, at odds with her delicate appearance. I sat down on the edge of the bed next to her.
“I’m so happy you came,” she said, her eyes glowing. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you.”
“I’m sorry it’s been so long,” I said gently. “How are you doing?”
“Wonderful, now that you’re here.” She leaned in closer to me. “You’ve always been like a daughter to me. I told Charles my children wouldn’t abandon me.” She turned to Charles. “Let me have some time alone with Madison. We need to have some girl talk.”
Mr. Brooks hesitated, but then he finally left the room and closed the door behind him. Mrs. Brooks turned to me, her smile widening. “I thought you weren’t going to come.”
There was a lump in my throat, making it hard to swallow. “Are you feeling unwell? Do you think you should go see a doctor?”
Mrs. Brooks shook her head emphatically. “Oh, no. I’m perfectly fine. I’ve just been a little tired lately. But now that you’re here, I feel so energized.” She squeezed my hands. “Did Cassie come with you?”
My stomach dropped. I had promised Mr. Brooks that I wouldn’t say anything to upset her, but I also didn’t want to perpetuate the delusion. I settled for somewhere in between, since I really hadn’t had a chance to talk to Mr. Brooks about his wife seeing a doctor.
“No, she’s not here,” I answered. I glanced around her room. “It’s so dark in here. Why don’t we open up the curtains and get some light in here. Even though it’s cold, the sun is shining.”
“No!” I was taken aback by the fierceness of Mrs. Brooks’ refusal. Her stricken expression relaxed almost immediately and she gave an embarrassed laugh. “Light seems to give me headaches lately.” Her expression brightened. “How are your classes? Are you dating anyone?”
“I’m not in school anymore,” I said gently. My answer to her second question made my chest tighten. “And no, I’m not dating anyone.”
Mrs. Brooks frowned. “Not in school anymore? Why not, dear?”
I changed the subject, not knowing how to answer her question without upsetting her. I grasped at the first topic I could think of. “How was your Thanksgiving?”
Mrs. Brooks’ face fell. “Oh, it was awful. It was just me and Charles. Why couldn’t you come for dinner?” She continued speaking before I could answer. “Cassie already told me why she couldn’t come.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Sometimes she goes to the other side.”
A chill went down my spine. “What do you mean?”
Mrs. Brooks gave me an impish smile, making her look younger than her years. “I always knew my Cassie was special, but I didn’t realize how special until recently. I finally realized why she’s gone so much. It’s because sometimes she’s dead.”
Fear clutched at me and my voice trembled when I spoke. “Where is she when she’s not dead?”
“She’s here with me, of course,” Mrs. Brooks answered, like it was the obvious answer. “But she’s lonely when she’s not with me, so she wants me to go with her.”
I wasn’t equipped to handle this. I wanted to get up and run out of the room to get Mr. Brooks, but she had a manacle grip on my hands.
“Is she…is she here now?” I asked, swallowing hard.
Mrs. Brooks frowned. “No, you would see her if she was.” Her countenance brightened. “But I think she’ll be here later tonight.”
I knew it was just Mrs. Brooks’ sickness talking, but her words scared me. She seemed so convinced that Cassie was visiting her, but of course it wasn’t possible.
“Do you mind if I step out for a minute?” I asked, careful to keep my tone neutral. “It was a long drive and I just want to freshen up a bit.”
“Of course,” Mrs. Brooks said, smiling. “I’ll be waiting for you to come back.”
I tried to return her smile, not really succeeding, but she didn’t seem to notice. Relief rushed through me when I closed the bedroom door behind me. It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest the moment I left the room. I went downstairs to find Mr. Brooks and Logan in the living room, although neither of them were talking. They both got up when I entered the room, but I indicated that they should both sit back down. I sat down next to Logan on the sofa, facing Mr. Brooks.
“How did it go?” Mr. Brooks asked, his voice hopeful. I now understood why he looked like he had aged a decade in one year.
“Not so good,” I said. My voice dropped, as if I were afraid she would overhear me although her bedroom was upstairs and far from the living room. “She said that sometimes Cassie is dead and sometimes she’s here with her. I’m not sure exactly what she means but it scares me.”
Mr. Brooks’ expression deflated. “That started a few nights ago. I’m not going to lie; it scares me, too.” His expression grew grim. “Especially when she tells me Cassie wants her to join her.”
“She needs to see a doctor. We’re not equipped to deal with her illness. I don’t know what the right thing to say to her is. We could be making the situation worse, not better.”
His face fell. “She’s seen a doctor. Multiple doctors. The past few months I began to realize that she was starting to get worse. I’ve been trying to get her to face the fact that Cassie is gone. I’ve taken her to doctor after doctor but they all say the same thing.” He looked at me with fear and desperation in his eyes. “They want her committed to a mental hospital. They say she needs in-patient psychiatric help.”
I took a deep breath before replying. “Is that such a bad thing?” I said, trying to be as sympathetic as possible. “I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you to deal with her sickness all these years. Admitting her to a hospital means she’ll get the help she needs.”
“She’s may be deluded in some ways but she’s not dumb. She knows what the doctors are recommending.” Mr. Brooks’ face was stark with grief. “She told me she’d die in there. She begged me not to throw her away. No matter how I explain it to her, she believes being committed to a hospital means I’ve given up on her.” His expression turned fierce. “That will never happen. Not even if it means I have to sell my company and stay home with her every day.”
Logan had been silent this entire time, but when I felt him take my hand in his, I squeezed it in appreciation. I drew strength from his presence. Everything that had happened between us took a back seat to what was happening now, and I was just grateful for his support.
Mr. Brooks glanced at our intertwined hands, but surprisingly he didn’t seem to give it a second thought as he rubbed his forehead wearily. “It’s my fault, anyway. I let this go on far too long.”
“None of knew what to do,” I said, although truthfully, I believed that she should have gotten help a long time ago. “But we can make sure she gets the help she needs now.” I sighed heavily. “She’s expecting me to come back up.” My stomach churned at the thought. I was scared of what she would say next.
“I’ll go with you.”
I turned to Logan at his offer. “I don’t know how she’ll react to seeing you.”
“Maybe it’s a good idea for Logan to see Judith.”
I looked at Mr. Brooks in surprise. That was the last thing I expected him to say. He knew that Logan and I had been romantically involved last year and had been vehemently against it. His hostility had been clear when he had first seen Logan today. He didn’t know anything about Logan’s accident and what had happened between us, but I’m sure he assumed we were still a couple by our clasped hands.
“Are you sure?” I asked skeptically.
Mr. Brooks hesitated before responding. “She thinks of Logan fondly. I know I reacted badly to him showing up today, but it was a
knee jerk reaction. More out of surprise than anything else.” He paused before continuing. “It might be a good idea if you two don’t act affectionate in front of her. She still thinks of Logan as Cassie’s boyfriend.” His eyes dropped to our clasped hands and his gaze raised to meet mine. “I know I was out of line when I accused you of betraying Cassie. She loved you and I think she would have been happy that you and Logan ended up together. After all, she loved both of you.”
Shame washed over me. Mr. Brooks didn’t know that we had, in fact, betrayed Cassie long ago. I pulled my hand out of Logan’s, and I felt his body tense, although he didn’t say a word. He followed me as I got up and went up the stairs. The walk down the hallway to Mrs. Brooks’ bedroom filled me with dread. I paused before opening the door and turned to Logan.
“I’m not sure how she’s going to react to seeing you,” I said softly. “If she gets upset, it’s probably a good idea for you to leave the room.”
Logan nodded, and then I opened the door. Mrs. Brooks was exactly the way I left her. She smiled at me, but her face lit up when she saw Logan.
“Logan!” she exclaimed. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
Even though I had told Logan everything about Cassie’s death and her mother’s sickness, I had been apprehensive about how he would handle it face to face. After all, he didn’t remember Cassie, let alone Mrs. Brooks. To his credit, he smiled and took her outstretched hands in his.
“It’s good to see you,” he said.
Mrs. Brooks pulled him closer, and then leaned to her side to look behind him. “Did Cassie come with you?” she asked hopefully.
Logan glanced at me before answering. “No, she’s not here.”
Mrs. Brooks sighed but didn’t look too upset. “I didn’t think she would be. She probably won’t be here until later tonight.” She smiled at us. “I’ll hope you’ll both stay so you can see her.”
I took a deep breath, telling myself that I shouldn’t be afraid. Mrs. Brooks was just having delusions.
“When you see her, is she alive?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.