The song needed a piano. My mind drifted in and out, not focused on my list anymore but what Nicholas was writing. As long as he didn’t change the tempo…
“Hey, you didn’t say you wrote music too. Whatcha writing?”
I jolted at Arc’s nearness and his words. With some horror I stared down at the notebook and the scales marking up more than half the page. I ripped it out and balled it up as Nicholas rose to his feet.
“I don’t. I’m not.” I sounded a little panicked and I stopped to breathe before I fainted. I crushed the little ball of paper tighter. I jumped up and strolled into the bathroom and closed myself in before anyone could say anything else.
Stupid, stupid reaction. I dropped the paper into the trash and turned on the water hot enough to scald. I didn’t compose anymore. I didn’t want to compose anymore.
My heart screamed liar as I dipped my shaking hands into the burning water.
Out, damned spot! Out, I say. A quiet laugh escaped me at my own pitiful joke on myself. The last thing I had composed had drawn too much attention.
In the end that was really the reason Tyler had died. Conrad and Benjamin had wanted money. I had refused to embezzle from the show or pay them from my own royalties. I may not had planned the murder the way Lady Macbeth had, but in a way I had contributed to it.
There was a quiet knock on the door and Nicholas stepped in. I knew he would, eventually. Privacy was not a word he understood.
“What’s wrong?” He came up and hugged me from behind. His chin touched my shoulder and he rubbed his head against mine. I smiled a little.
“Nothing.”
“The water is ridiculously hot.” He reached out and flicked it off. “You’re going to burn your hands.”
“Possibly.” Giving in just a little I leaned back into him and closed my eyes. “I really don’t want to talk about it right now. And I really don’t feel like fighting with you at the moment either.”
“So, we’ll do neither. But I do have a question for you.”
“Just one?”
“Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”
I jerked so violently I nearly smashed Nicholas’s face with my head. “What?” I turned to face him not sure I heard correctly.
“You pull away in public.” He tilted his head. “Unless it’s one of the guys you keep a polite distance.”
“Walker, I’m not sure what you’re getting at. I’m your tour manager. Of course there are going to be times when I have to wear a professional face. That’s what I’m being paid to do.”
“Bullshit.” He caged me against the sink. “I don’t think this is about me at all but of you.”
I pressed my hands to his chest and shoved but he didn’t move. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The shaking voice and averted eyes contradicted my statement but it was too late to take it back now.
“Yes.” He lifted a hand and grabbed my chin forcing me to look at him. “You do. Why are you ashamed of yourself?”
I opened my mouth to retort but only a strangled sound came out. When my eyes welled I simply closed them.
“Songbird.” Nicholas drew me into a tight hug. “Stop listening to the voices that don’t exist. Listen to me. Hear what I’m saying.”
“What are you saying Nicholas?” I couldn’t stop my trembling hands from finding their way to his waist and wrapping around to hold him tight.
He nuzzled the top of my head and though muffled his words were intelligible, “You give me music. The way no one else can.”
My focus was no long set on the concert. I hated dwelling on my past, on my insecurities, but I couldn’t ignore them after the slap in the face–figuratively– with the truth. Or Nicholas’s version of the truth.
Stop listening to the voices that don’t exist.
But they did exist. The insecurities were fed by every beauty ad, every TV glamour show, and every magazine article on how to look your best. The standards weren’t realistic in any fashion but they were there. They feed the fear, and doubt and gave strength to the conditioning of my childhood.
Setting up final deposits and pulling guys aside to sign their severance letter helped keep busy but not focused. Dealing with other problems—albeit not nearly as large—kept my spiral of self-depreciation and destruction at bay, for the moment. After the show I supervised the instrument packing and loading onto Bandwagon once the guys departed the stage sweaty and tired.
“Wash up while they’re breaking down then hit the bunks. I’m going to do a final run down to make sure nothing’s been left behind and then we’ll be off. Good show tonight.” I avoided eye contact with all of them. I wanted my bunk and some completely quiet time to deal with the monkey wrench Nicholas had thrown into my gears.
Max stretched and nodded. Arc yawned.
“No arguments here.” Guy offered a tired smile. “Thanks for all you do, Stilts. I don’t think we’ve ever said it.”
My smile fluttered but didn’t hold on my face. “You never have to. Go on.”
Nicholas stood waiting until the guys walked away. “I’d like it if you slept in my bed tonight.”
“No.” Before he could argue I wrapped him in a hug. “I don’t know what to think, Nicholas. I need some time to think, and get my head on straight.”
His hands rubbed up and down my back. “You are beautiful, Songbird. I will say it as many times as you need me to. You are smart and talented. You’re kind. I’ll write you a song that will play louder than any internal doubt can out cry.”
I laughed a little in an effort to prevent myself from crying. “I’m sure you will. Come on, we’re all tired. We should clean up and go to bed. In the morning, when we’re all rested and clearly thinking we can sit down and talk. Agreed?”
“I don’t like it.” He pressed a gentle kiss to the side of my temple before I could evade. “But I understand it.”
“It’s just one night, Walker.” I reached out and squeezed his hand. “Give me time to think. Okay?”
“Promise we’ll talk in the morning.” He drew back enough to watch my response. His eyes held a seriousness not common for him.
I nodded and balanced on my toes to kiss his cheek as chastely as he had my temple. “I promise.”
His lips quirked and he nodded. “All right. Good night, Songbird.”
My phone rang just as I was doing the final walk through with the vendor manager. I checked the ID and nodded to Greg.
“I’m sorry. I have to take this. Everything looks in order.” I hurriedly stepped away and down a hall for privacy. “Yes, Taylor.”
“We’ve just landed in Las Vegas, Bella.”
Relief filled me. Until he actually called I hadn’t truly been sure he’d ride to my rescue. “You’re on the way to the hotel then?”
“Yes, we’re heading over now. Did you want to join us for breakfast so we can do a run down?”
“I can’t. Nicholas has a conference interview at nine. It’s two hours and then I’ll meet you over at the vendor. I’m told they’re not happy about the reschedule so we may come up against some resistance. You can call Denton and he’ll go over the girls’ set with you though.”
“The five are ready to go, Bella. We can handle this.”
“Wonderful. I’ll text Obi and let him know to expect you. He’s the advance. Oh, and Taylor?”
“Yes?”
“I go by Bianca, now. Bianca Sheridan.”
“I see.” His tone didn’t sound happy. “Why?”
“It was necessary. For peace.”
“For hiding.” Taylor clucked his tongue. “I wouldn’t have found you if I had looked.”
“No.” I swallowed and though he couldn’t see shook my head. “You wouldn’t have.”
“All right, bella, but the nickname remains. You are beautiful after all.”
“Whatever. I have to finish with the vendor so we can hit the road. I’ll see you in a few hours.”
“Good deal.” He made kissy noises.
“See you in a few.”
Excitement filled me as I hunted down the vendor to finish up. My friends were waiting and I had a bus of guys to get moving. Life was looking up for once.
Even as positive as work was going, sleep eluded me. The fact that it wasn’t work making me restless put me out a little. Yes, I knew I had personal problems a mile long and since he called me out on it, there was no pretending I was fine and dandy and just plain normal.
At least temporarily Nicholas stepped back, but there would be a reckoning in the morning and I had nothing. As fast as my brain was turning, I couldn’t think of a single damn thing in my defense. What a pathetic soul I was.
I had thought for sure my lack of sexual prowess would have turned him away. Guys like Nicholas wanted an experienced lady who knew the rules. At least that’s what I had always believed. Until now.
Why me? I couldn’t get past that one question. Why in the world was one of the hottest men on the planet infatuated—hell, let’s be real here; in lust —with me?
Tyler thought I was pretty. I sighed and conceded to my inner voice. Yes, but if I compared Tyler to Nicholas than Tyler was the average American male. Maybe not totally average with his blond hair and blue eyes but average looking enough I didn’t feel self-conscious—no, I didn’t feel like I didn’t deserve—love from him.
And, I realized, I just solved part of the problem. Nicholas was overwhelming compared to everything I had experienced. He was gorgeous and talented and while Taylor was too, Nicholas had a whole lot more. He was new in a way that made everything super scary all over again.
He was also only temporary. There was no reason to believe Nicholas wanted more than a companion for the tour. I wasn’t interested in temporary. I wasn’t even sure I was interested in permanent. For the moment I was only concerned with staying whole.
Tyler’s loss ripped wide gaping holes in my heart that had taken forever to heal and even now they still bled from time to time. I was already having emotional control issues where Nicholas was concerned.
What would happen if I got too attached? I didn’t even want to think on that. I wasn’t sure I was built for casual either.
I would have to put my foot down. I would just tell him this…thing…couldn’t continue. I had a job to do and he needed to focus on his music. There wasn’t any room for lust at this time. Thanks but no thanks. I wasn’t interested.
If I thought that would work then the sky was purple and rained monkeys. I would make it work. I would.
Since sleep continued to elude me after coming to my decision, I climbed out of the bunk and walked up the tiny hall to the drivers. Doug sat behind the wheel humming to George Strait while Charlie munched on chips and monitored the GPS.
“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Doug didn’t his eyes from the road.
“A lot to think about.”
“Roadster has already arrived and are bedded down for what’s left of the night.” Charlie informed. “City is there.” He lifted a hand and pointed. “We’re not too far behind them tonight.”
“Probably a good thing. More sleep for everyone all around.” I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. “I best go get ready. Obi said there were issues with the vendor’s attitude.”
“Well.” Charlie swallowed a mouthful of chips. “Not for long.”
Charlie wasn’t wrong. One receptionist, two managers, and the entertainment supervisor, later all the details smoothed out. Obi was back on the road for Salt Lake City and it was finally time for sleep.
Used to the unloading process by now, the guys were relatively little trouble to get from bus to real bed. Nicholas clung a little more than normal, but I pried him off with a promise to be back in a minute. If I were lucky, it wouldn’t take that long for him to fall back into deep sleep.
The suite was impressive with its grandeur. Obi failed to mention that we’d been given one of the higher class rooms of the casino. After making sure the guy were once more snoring, I walked through marveling at the splendor.
Other than the four bedrooms with two queen beds in each, there was a deep cushioned couch and eighty inch TV. If we had time the game system connected to the TV might have gather attention. The guys might turn it on anyway just for kicks if they woke early enough.
A pearl white baby grand piano sat in front of a wall of windows facing red desert. The piano was a temptation I didn’t need. We’d be leaving immediately after tonight’s concert so I only had to ignore it’s presence for a few hours. I probably didn’t even remember how to play anyway.
Like you don’t remember how to compose? That nasty little internal voice asked.
Sighing only a little, I sat on the glossy white bench, but didn’t open the fall board. Instead I ignored my itching hands and turning looked out the window to watch the sun rise over the desert. My chest ached just sitting there.
I had given it up. Voluntarily. This was no longer part of my life.
Just scales? The internal voice asked. Scales won’t hurt anything.
I looked back to the closed bedroom doors. Everyone was sleeping. There wouldn’t be anyone to witness. What harm could scales do?
My hands shook when I lifted the fall board. For a minute I didn’t press any of the keys just touched them lightly with fingertips. Smooth, and ready.
The heart never forgot what brought the greatest joy. With eyes closed and head bowed I let the memory of what once was guide my hands. Without being aware of it my fingers dipped away from scales into a quiet song.
Taylor had written the song for our wedding. He wasn’t the greatest composer so it played more like a lullaby than a declaration of love but I loved it so much. Loved that he had gone through the trouble to give me something no one else had. The Fabulous Five had played the music while we danced our first dance as husband and wife. A silent tear trailed down my cheek with each note.
“I didn’t know you played.”
My eyes flew open and the quietly confident hands pulled off the keys as if I’d been suddenly burned. I pressed them against my speeding heart as I shifted to look at Nicholas. “I don’t. I was just fooling around. I couldn’t sleep.” My words fell over themselves and I bit my tongue to stop the cascade.
He looked deliciously rumpled with his sweatpants barely hanging on and his hair all over the place. Nicholas ambled over and straddled the bench. His hand came up to wipe the moisture from my face before he wrapped me in a hug under my folded arms. He dropped his head onto my shoulder.
“Play something for me.” He didn’t ask why I cried and some of the tightness in my chest receded.
“I don’t play,” I repeated shaking a little. My stomach began to churn and not from his nearness. Playing for myself was one thing, which I shouldn’t have done, but playing for anyone else was an entirely different matter.
Nicholas’s hand closest to the piano lifted and he ran down a complicated scale one handed. “Neither do I,” he murmured into my shoulder. His hand returned to link with the one that hadn’t moved. “Play me a lullaby, Songbird. So I can go back to sleep.”
My fingers trembled over the keys. Reaching for calm, I went back to scales. Slowly it shifted into the requested lullaby—gentle, soft and lovely. With Nicholas wrapped around me and the music staining the air like the perfume of an old lover the walls around my heart cracked a little more. Between the man and the music, I wasn’t going to come out of this whole.
I needed a nap. Coffee wasn’t going to hold up much longer. Appointments were back to back and the lack of sleep took its toll.
However my less than cheerful attitude had it’s up side. Nicholas behaved during the conference—he didn’t fly off the handle once.
After sitting down at the brunch table, I closed my eyes and hoped for a fifteen-minute nap just to recharge. I could do a lot with fifteen minutes of battery. Like survive the rest of the day.
“Hello, how is everyone?” the perky female voice was nails across a chalkboard for me.
“We�
��re fine.” Nicholas sounded annoyed and guarded. “You are?”
“Oh, ha.” She laughed. “I’m Andrea Buchanan, the vendor host.”
I cracked an eye open and tried for a smile. “Miss Buchanan. Nice to meet you.” I watched her make eye contact with all the band and with some surprise she didn’t linger on Nicholas.
“You must be Miss Sheridan. If you need anything at all from us just give me a ring. I have other events to oversee but there is ample staff to handle any problem.” She still scanned the table as if to tell us all but her eyes paused on Max. The drummer sent her a saucy smile that made her flush and swallow nervously.
“Behave.” I kicked Max under the table. “I’ll be certain to keep that in mind. We really appreciated everything you’ve done.”
“Good. You enjoy brunch then.” And she walked away, probably with a little more sway then necessary.
“I’m supposed to worry about what turns up in Walker’s bed, not yours Max.” I drank more coffee and prayed for the caffeine high to be soon.
“Nick’s bed is as cold as Everest at the moment. Figured I should pick up the torch.” He winked at me.
“Please don’t.” I covered my face with both my hands and my shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. He could not be allowed to see I found any amusement in this. “Just don’t.”
Nicholas scowled. “My bed isn’t cold.”
“You haven’t picked up a chick since the incident in LA.” Arc frowned at Nicholas. “Not like you to be without bed partners on a tour.”
“I’m practicing monogamy,” Nicholas said with a shrug.
Arc laughed loud and long, so hard tears ran down his face. He doubled over, clutching at his stomach as if to keep it in place. He slid out of his chair and to the floor boneless, and still laughing. “Stop it hurts. That’s a good one. Really. You got me.”
“I’m serious.” Nicholas dropped his fork and leaned back.
Arc’s laughter stopped as quickly as it began as he scanned his friend’s face. “Well. I’ll be damned. Who’s the lucky chick?” He climbed to his feet and continued to study Nicholas.
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