Nicholas shrugged. “Bianca.”
And I choked on my coffee. Literally. Down the wrong pipe and everything. Well, what didn’t spewed out across the table. Thank God I wasn’t wearing white.
“Does she know that?” Guy asked dryly, thumping on my back to help out.
Nicholas’s face darkened. “I thought I made it clear.”
My ringing cell phone had never been a more blissful sound. “Hello?” I croaked.
“Bella what’s wrong?” Taylor’s frown came through the line as if he stood next to me.
“Choked on coffee.” I cleared my throat. “Sorry, what’s up?”
“I’m standing in a space that is drastically larger than your stage. Your performance area is too small to be effective here the way it is. That’s what’s wrong.”
“What do you mean the stage is too small?” I drummed fingers on the table.
“Bella, have you seen this stage?”
“Yes. It’s been the same for over a week.”
“Have you forgotten everything I taught you?” he sounded aghast. “Bella, Nicholas cannot perform on this stage like this.”
I sighed. “We’re wrapping up brunch. I’ll deposit the guys back in their room and I’ll be over.”
“And where are the instruments. The backline crew has nothing to do.”
“On Bandwagon. The instruments travel with the band.”
“I’m assuming that’s one of the keys from the ring Paulie handed to me.”
“More than likely.”
Taylor sighed in frustration. “This is the most ass backwards performance I’ve ever had to clean up. You know better than this, bella.”
Taylor had taught me everything I knew so I let the comment slid. He was likely right. The Gracing boys had been family before we were business partners and Taylor never treated me as anything other than the former. Being his little sister, and having what he and Tyler had brought to my life was worth more than Midas’s gold to me.
The Gracings taught me what family was, not just the business aspect of our profession. Sometimes it annoyed and sometimes it comforted. Since I needed him, and frankly, yes, it had been a long time since I played the production manager role, I trusted his skill.
“I’m on my way.” I clicked off the phone before he could lecture me further. “Henry and the team can get you back to your room. I’m needed in staging.”
Nicholas stood. “We can go too. There’s no point in going back to the room when sound check is in three hours. We’ll just float around.”
I wasn’t up for an argument. “Fine. Stay out from underfoot.”
Nicholas grabbed my arm as I stood and turned away. “We have to talk.”
“I promised we would. This comes first though. We both know that.” I was proud of my even tone.
His eyes held mine for longer than what should have been comfortable. Good thing I was too tired to give a damn. He nodded and released me.
Avoidance wasn’t the best tactic, but at least for now, I had bought a couple of hours.
Chaos flooded the event space. At least on the surface it looked like chaos. However, purpose under laid the randomness. Lights were being rigged and pulled into place. Sound cables were being run. People were muscling speakers and monitors around. Overall, it looked pretty normal.
“Don’t stand under those as we lift. I don’t want any accidents today,” a familiar blond shouted the command as he did exactly as he’d just told someone else not to do.
“Should we tell him to take his own advice?” Arc scratched his chin and watched the lights being lifted into place.
I pursed my lips and whistled part of a show tune I had written just for us. Taylor wasn’t the one that whistled the other half back but his head whipped around searching. When his baby blues landed on me the world shone a little brighter.
“Bella, my flower.” Taylor jogged, over throwing his arms out. Laughing I met him halfway. His hug pulled me off my feet and he spun us around for good measure before he kissed me lavishly when we stopped spinning.
When my feet touched down again hands landed on my waist jerking me roughly away from Taylor. I didn’t quit cover the squeak of surprise.
“Who the fuck is this?” Nicholas’s fury created instantaneous tension in the space around us.
I didn’t try to pull out of his rough hands. His anger would undoubtedly cause a scene I didn’t want. Instead I reached for calm. I laced my fingers through his and gently pulled them from bruising my waist.
“This is Taylor Gracing. You’re new production manager since Jimmy quit.” I introduced.
“Jimmy quit? When did that happen?”
“When I made it clear I am his boss even if I happen to be female.” I pulled slightly away so I could turn and look at him. “Taylor is an old friend of mine and I trust him to do a good job.”
“You wound me, bella,” Taylor’s eyes glinted in a way that always spelled mischief. “I’m not just an old friend. It hurts for you to say so. And just good? I do fantastic work. Incomparable.”
Nicholas’s hands tightened painfully around mine. “What the fuck are you to Bianca?”
A squeal interrupted and a body launched at me, throwing me back into Nicholas. Thank God he was firmly planted or we’d have all gone down. I was kissed again and just as lavishly as the first time but this time by Juliette.
“Flower power has returned.” She loosened her grip ever so slightly, allowing at least a little bit of air to return to my lungs.
“That was fucking hot,” Arc leaned over to mock whisper to Max. “Do you think we could pay them to do that all the time?”
Juliette tossed her dark hair out of her face and saluted to Nicholas. “Sound Engineer, at your service. Henley is around somewhere. He’s on monitors today. And we brought Fitz too. He’s lighting today. Last I saw him he was replacing bulbs.”
“The three are interchangeable.” I squeezed Nicholas’s hands still linked in mine.
“The furious five have returned.” Juliette bounced with glee. “I have to get back. We’ll catch up after.” She gave me another smacking kiss. “I missed you.” Then she ran off.
“And I thought Arc was a spaz.” Max held his face completely bland.
“Sorry about that. Never could get her to come out of her shell.” Taylor sent an affectionate look towards where Juliette had vanished to.
“Back to the matter.” Nicholas stepped around me to face down Taylor. “What are you to Bianca?”
Taylor was unruffled by Nicholas’s anger. His smile would annoy even the calmest person. “Family. I’ve known bella for years. She’s a partner in my business. Maybe you’ve heard of it, Gracing and Company Production and Entertainment.”
Guy whistled. “Dude, I knew I recognized his name. Nick take your head out your ass. There is no one better with stage production than Gracing.”
“Wait.” I held up a hand. “Partner? No. I helped set up sure, but—”
Taylor’s face went solemn. “Tyler left his half to you.”
For the second time within the hour I choked. This time on air. My breath got stuck somewhere between my lungs and the surface. I couldn’t pull in or push out. Spots filled my vision.
I was going to faint. I had never blacked out before. Swooning was for the weak but I definitely felt a black curtain falling. I wondered briefly if it would hurt.
“Shit, breath.” Nicholas’s face filled my wavering vision. “In and out, Songbird. In and out.”
I gulped huge quantities of air and forced words passed my lips. “I’m sorry,” I dashed at the sudden waterfall of tears. “I need a minute. Excuse me.” I wrenched from his grip and blindly hurried away.
“Who the fuck is Tyler?” Nicholas’s voice held…could that be jealousy.
“Bella’s husband.” Taylor’s answer was the last thing I heard before I was too far away to hear the response.
Not the best answer to give to Nicholas. And not the whole answer. A problem to
deal with later. I just needed a minute to find my calm. Maybe more than a minute.
We’d only been married in name. He vowed to keep me safe. He promised to love me no matter how long he had to wait. Then he died for me.
I found the dressing room and crossed through it unseeing to the bathroom. After closing myself in, the tap was twisted on in the sink. To cold—ice cold.
With cupped hands the liquid was caught and splashed against my face to fight both fatigue and puffy eyes. I kept my eyes down when the door opened and closed at my back. Not nearly enough time had passed for me to be composed.
Nicholas would need answers. Since he wasn’t the most patient of people—him seeking me out was expected. When I finally raised my face, dripping with water, I met his eyes in the mirror. For the briefest heartbeat they were Tyler’s beautiful blues before fading to Nicholas’s intense green.
His face was terrifyingly blank. Nicholas wore his emotions most of the time. Seeing him carefully composed sent chilly fingers up my spine.
“You were married.” He didn’t make it sound like a question but I answered anyway.
“Only in name.”
“Taylor wouldn’t say anything other than Tyler died and you left New York. Said it wasn’t his story to tell.”
I blessed Taylor and at the same time cursed him. If he had told Nicholas all of it, I wouldn’t have to. And maybe hearing all of it would finally detach him from the incredulous notion of monogamy with me.
Nicholas crossed his arms expectantly. I broke eye contact and focused on shutting the water off and drying my face.
“Are you going to tell me?” he sighed after a moment of silence.
“What would you like to know?” I said into the towel.
“You were fucking married. That’s a pretty big deal.”
“Only in name. We were never physical.”
“Why?”
I lifted my shoulders and let them fall. “Because I couldn’t stand to be touched.”
“But you married him.” Nicholas sounded completely befuddled.
I put the towel down and turned to face Nicholas. “Tyler said it didn’t matter. That sex wasn’t what was important. He loved me as the person I was. He wanted to protect me. He wanted to keep me safe. He would wait forever. But.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “He asked. He said; let me give you all of me. I know it’s not a lot, but I want you to have all that I have to offer. I want you to know, to feel, to always have my love and family.”
“You loved him.” Nicholas wiped carefully at my face with the towel. I knew I was crying but I hadn’t expected Nicholas to be understanding over another man.
“Very much. I was slowly putting the pieces back together after… Well, you know.”
“The dictatorship.” Nicholas’s voice tightened. That was an interesting way to identify sexual abuse.
As much as I thought the whole truth would help get Nicholas to step back, I didn’t have the strength to go through all of my sordid past with him. Fleeting memories of my life in Annapolis were enough to drop me to the floor. Actually reliving the memories in their entirety? I wouldn’t survive intact.
“Yes. That. Then Tyler was shot. He died on impact. There was no saving him.”
“I’m sorry, Songbird.” Nicholas drew me into his arms and held me tight against his chest.
I let myself cry the rest of it out. I had always thought Tyler was the only person who would ever make me feel safe but here in Nicholas’s arms it felt okay to cry. I never cried on Taylor’s shoulders—hadn’t felt I had the right after what happened.
When my tears tapered to an end Nicholas placed his hand under my chin and lifted my face. He kissed my eyes and the tip of my nose, pushing a small curve to my mouth.
“I’m sorry. It’s a poor choice of words but it’s all I have. Tyler sounds like a pretty nice dude to shack with a girl he’d never copulated with.”
“Copulated?”
Nicholas’s grin was quick. “Hey, I read. Anyway. I know love like that can’t be replaced…” Nicholas’s eyes were serious, “I’m not asking to replace him. I’m asking you to consider me.”
I cupped his face in my hands. “I do see you, Nicholas. And comparing you to Tyler is like comparing potatoes and yams.”
“Can I be the yams?”
A broken laugh escaped me. “Yes. You can be the yams.”
“We’re talking real yams, right? Not the sweet potato.”
“Oh my God. Yes. Real yams. You want to be a purple one or a red one?”
“Purple works.”
I laughed again, wrapping my arms around his neck as I rose up on my toes to brush my mouth over his. His arms tightened as I dropped back down. I dropped my head against his chest and sighed.
“Thank you, Walker.”
“For what?” His face rubbed into the top of my hair.
“For not being angry over a dead man.”
“Would be kind of petty. Even for me.”
“I’ve been running from the memory of him for so long. I thought by pretending it didn’t exist, it wouldn’t hurt. It would go away.”
“How’d that work for you?”
I sighed.
“Taylor says you own half the business.”
“Yeah.”
“Guy says that makes you a very rich woman.”
“He would know better than I at this point.”
“New rule.” Nicholas announced after a moment.
“I don’t think I can handle any new rules right now. Can we just focus on the tour?”
“No. New rule.”
“Walker, you and I aren’t going to work.”
“Won’t know if you don’t try. But now I understand why you’re running from me. I’ll just keep chasing you. You have to stop at some point.”
I sighed again. Hope wasn’t something I had a lot of and the small flame of it flickering in my chest scared me as much as made me want to believe in him. My heart squeezed with something I didn’t recognize as I considered Nicholas’s tenacity.
Could I continue to push him away when he insisted on holding me close? Did I want to? I had no answer to either.
“Anyway, the new rule. You are hereby no longer allowed to suppress yourself.”
“What?” I lifted my head and just stared. “What the hell kind of rule is that?”
“Hey, I’m required to talk to you when things get me upset. It’s rule number two, remember? You made it. Rule number one in case you’ve forgotten is the Mr. Walker rule. I think you have forgotten that rule.”
“Yes, but... What kind of crap rule are you trying to make?”
“I want you to be you. Stop fighting against yourself. That’s the rule. Just be you. Whoever that person is.” Nicholas reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.
The paper had seen better days as it looked like it had been balled up and then smoothed out several times. Nicholas held out the paper. Curiously I accepted and unfolded it. I froze.
“I’d like it very much if you finished it.”
“I don’t write music.” I handed it back but Nicholas closed my hands around it.
“Something tells me if I ask Taylor he’d tell me something different. Why are you running from yourself as well?”
“Tyler died because of who I was.”
Nicholas cocked his head. “Would Tyler be proud of the woman you have turned yourself into in his memory?”
I flinched and jerked away. “That’s not very nice.”
Nicholas shrugged. “I have nothing against the guy. Like I said, sounds like a decent dude. But I’m here now and I’m the one looking at you. And considering I’m the only one that’s ever made you scream in ecstasy, I think it gives me some leverage no one has had before.”
“You’re an asshole.” I tried to flounce past him.
Two problems with that. One—Nicholas was a lot faster than I in many ways. Two—we were in a tiny ass bathroom with very little maneuvering
room. Of course I didn’t make it by him.
He caught me around the waist and turned us so I leaned back against the wall he’d been pressed against. I shoved at his shoulders but Nicholas was unmovable. Big surprise.
“We still have to talk,” he said staring into my face.
I lifted a brow. “We did talk.”
“No.” Slowly he shook his head. “We didn’t cover everything.”
My heart started nervously tittering and I ignored it. I jerked my chin, “What’s left to talk about?”
“I’m going to touch you. A lot. In public, in private, whenever I fucking feel like it. That’s one of the perks of being a couple.”
“We’re not a couple. It’s not professional. Ezra will fire me for sure. If you need to scratch an itch I have no problems getting a companion for you. We’ve done that for the better part of a week.” My heart ripped at the thought but I kept the pain off my face.
Fury dilated his eyes and clipped his voice. “You know how I feel about that bullshit so I won’t even address it. Saying it just to piss me off and get off topic isn’t going to work.”
“Walker, really, considering the options available to you; there are no reasons for you to be infatuated with me.” I pushed again and it was like pushing a truck uphill with a full load. I faked a smile in hope that maybe it could defuse some of his anger. “I’m flattered but we could certainly find something more suitable for you and your position.”
“I’m not ashamed of you.” He didn’t even react to the dig. “I don’t let you touch me because I don’t want to lose control and hurt you.” His hand cupped my cheek. “You do something to me that makes me feel desperate and out of control.”
My stomach shuddered and my legs went rubbery. Still, I kept my chin up. I needed to maintain my position and put him firmly in the friend zone box.
“When you don’t let me touch you it feels like before.” I couldn’t hide the tremble in my voice but I honestly couldn’t say what emotion caused it. “It makes me feel cheap and small. I told you before I’m not a whore.”
“Fuck.” He dropped his forehead against mine. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to scare you.”
Songbird Page 15