by S. Moose
“Bye,” I simply say.
“All right; I can see it on your face. What’s going on?” I shake my head and go to the cart. I won’t let Jamie get to me.
When we’re done shopping, we head back to the house and relax outside with Lexi and Emma. It’s getting hot out and Emma won’t stop moving.
“Emma, why don’t you change into your suit and I’ll take you in the pool?” Jensen kneels down at eye level to Emma as he holds her hand. It’s a sweet moment and I wish I had my camera.
Since we’ve been back, Jensen hasn’t left Emma’s side. They’re cute together, laughing and eating lunch with each other.
“Mommy? Aunt Lexi? Can I go?”
“Yeah, sweetie; go change.”
We watch Emma run into the house and we both turn to look at Jensen. He’s sitting in the chair, taking off his shirt, not realizing there are four eyes staring at him.
“Ladies?”
“Anyways,” I quickly say, “you’re really good with Emma. She’s smiling so much. It’s nice.”
“She’s a great little girl. You are lucky to have her.” His tone turns soft and sad. I wonder what’s going on with him.
“I’ve never seen Emma warm up to another guy before. I mean, she has Nicholas and Larry, but usually strangers are a danger warning for her,” Lexi states. “It’s so weird. It’s like Emma’s known you forever.”
An uncomfortable laugh escapes Jensen and I can’t help but wonder, Why’s he so sad all of a sudden?
“Jensen, you okay?”
“Hmmm? Yeah, just thinking, babe.”
Emma rushes out before I can say anything. Lexi and I lean back in our chairs and watch the two of them playing in the water. Something isn’t right and I can’t shake it off.
Later that night, when everyone’s asleep, Jensen and I are outside, drinking a glass of wine. Something’s not sitting right with me. He’s been off since Emma left.
“Jensen, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, babe,” he answers, drinking his wine. “It’s been a long day. Today’s my first day off in weeks and I want to relax with my girl. Is that okay?”
“Of course it is, but you seem weird. I noticed you seemed sad around Emma.”
“Oh. No, it’s nothing.”
I know he’s lying, but should I keep prying for information? His body tenses and the answer is no. I’m sure I’m looking too much into this. He doesn’t have any connection to Emma and maybe it’s in my head. I get protective around her too, so it’s normal.
“Do you wanna spend the night? You’ve had a few glasses of wine. I don’t want you driving.”
“I can sleep on the floor, babe.”
Thinking about this warms my heart. I know we’re adults, but giving myself to another man scares me. I did that before and look where I am. “You can sleep in my bed, but no hanky-panky!” We both laugh and finish our wine before heading to bed.
After Jensen leaves to pull a fourteen-hour shift at the hospital, Lexi and I grab our beach things and decide it’s a great day to relax under the sun.
“Why don’t we do this more?”
“Because you’re always sleeping! How is my future niece or nephew doing?”
Lexi smiles, resting her hand on her stomach. “Good. So good! I love being pregnant. We find out if we’re having a boy or girl in a few weeks. Can you believe it?”
A part of me is slightly jealous for my best friend. I know I shouldn’t be and, believe me, I am happy. Sometimes, I think about me and Nicholas and what we could’ve had. Would we be engaged? When would we have kids? These questions play on and on in my head. No matter what I do, I always turn back to him.
“I’m so happy for you,” I say, trying to sound excited. “You and Larry are gonna make great parents. Are you two gonna get married soon?”
Lexi shrugs. “I’ve never been the traditional kinda girl, but Mom and Dad want us to. I mean, I do too, ya know? I love him and have since we first met. He’s a great person, but he hasn’t asked me, so I don’t know.”
I hear the hurt in her voice. “Be sure to talk to him about it. Don’t let it build inside of you.” She nods her head.
“Enough of this.” Lexi laughs. “You’re doing okay?”
Define “okay” and then let me know if I match the definition. I’m trying, that’s for sure. It’s confusing and I don’t know how to handle all of my emotions. I’m sharing a bed with Jensen, but all I think about is Nicholas. Each kiss. Each touch. I wish it were Nicholas and not Jensen. So yeah, I guess you can say I’m just ducky.
“I’m making it. Jensen’s a great guy and he’s sweet.”
“I know my brother is an asshole and I wish I knew what he was thinking. Trust me, we’re all surprised and we wanna know the truth. I know that bitch is up to something and I’ll find out one way or another.”
Jamie. Jamie, fucking Jamie. Coming back and ruining everything. God, I hate her. “Well, when you find out, let me know. Ugh, I hate her.”
“Me too, girlfriend. All right, let’s relax and focus on getting tan and staying beautiful.”
“Cheers to that!”
IT SEEMS THE ONLY TIME I CAN FIND ANY SORT OF PEACE IS DURING THE NIGHT. Jamie and Emma are upstairs sleeping, leaving me in the living room with my thoughts and ghosts of what could have been.
Settling on the couch, I pull the ring from under my shirt and hold it in my hands. One day, this ring will be on Karly’s finger. I know I’m completely addicted to her and I’m okay with that. When you love someone as much as I love Karly, these feelings are okay and not crazy, or in the danger zone. The regret in my chest builds. I hate being away from her.
Thinking back to everything I’ve shared with her eats away at me. She opened a piece of me that I kept hidden for so long. I hated being around people and sharing my life with them, but with Karly, it was easy. She made everything easy. I woke up happy because she was next to me, in my life. Now, here I am, an empty man without the one who can make me weak and strong at the same time.
Remembering what Emma told me haunts me. I want to know what’s going on with Karly and if she’s happy with Cocksucker. After picking her up, she wouldn’t stop talking about him. Now this fucker has both of my girls in his life? Not being able to take it, I pick up my phone and do the one thing I know I shouldn’t do, but can’t help myself. There’s something that always brings me back to her, regardless of what I’ve said and done. She’s the other part of the string and we’re tied together. The string’s been cut a few times, but we have Emma there to bring us back together. It’ll be hard and it’s not fair, I know that. In life, we’re given choices, and if she answers, then that’s her choice.
It rings a few times before my Angel’s tired voice comes on the phone.
“Nicholas?” Her voice brings me to my knees. It’s only been two days since I saw her. How could I miss her this much already?
“What’s wrong?”
“Huh? What are you talking about?” She sighs. “It’s four in the morning, Nicholas. Are you okay?”
“I ... um ... heard you’ve been crying and I want to know why.”
“Nicholas.” She pauses before talking again. “I’m fine. Even if I feel like I’m dying every day, it doesn’t concern you. My feelings and how I’m doing shouldn’t matter to you.”
“But it does. It fucking does!” I hear another voice in the background. What the fuck? “Who is there with you?”
“Nicholas, I have to go. I’m sorry, but please don’t call me this late. Jensen and I are dating and it’s not fair to him. You have Jamie and I have Jensen. Goodbye.”
Before I can say anything, she hangs up. When the hell did she move on? I throw my phone across the room. It slams against the wall, shattering to pieces. “Fuck!” I roar, knocking shit off the table.
Grabbing my car keys from the table, I storm out and head to the house. Not caring that the car’s on, I rush out of it and stand outside, screaming for Karly to come out and talk to
me.
“Angel! Come outside! Please! We need to talk!”
The door opens and my Angel comes out. Sure, she’s pissed as fuck, but she’s here.
“Angel, why are you with Jensen?”
“Nicholas, are you crazy?”
“Crazy for you, Angel.” I reach for her face, but she backs away, shaking her head. “No. Don’t back away. You promised.”
“Promises are meant to be broken.”
She can’t believe that. Guilt washes over me. This feeling won’t go away. It’s my new friend and I’m used to it. Everything I’ve done has been for other people. I forgot about me and Karly. “But you promised.”
“So did you.” She looks at the door and back at me. “Go home, Nicholas. This isn’t right. We’re both with different people and we’ve moved on.”
“I’ll never move on.” I grab her and slam my lips against hers. But her next reaction I wasn’t anticipating. Her hand connects with my face, covering her mouth.
“You do not have the right to do that! You’re married and I’m with Jensen. Get it through your head. If you wanna be my friend, then you’ll stop with this shit. Do you understand?”
Backing away, I raise my hands. “Okay; friends. I’m sorry.” Turning around, I head back to my car and drive back to the place I share with Jamie and Emma. Is it home, though? No, Karly’s my home.
Making it back home, I can’t help myself. I have to text her and talk to her.
Me: I’m sorry for tonight. I don’t know what came over me. Don’t be mad, please.
No answer. I pace the living room, sitting down and trying to watch TV; anything to drown out the silence.
Me: I’m sorry for everything. Promises aren’t meant to be broken. I promise to be the best friend you’ve ever had. Please come to me if you ever need anything. I’ll be here for you.
I notice the kitchen floor needs to be swept. I take the broom and sweep the kitchen, making sure I get every nook. I look around, marveling at my good job.
There’s still no response.
Me: So I’m still up. I think I’m going to call in to work and spend the day here at the house. Do you wanna go for a run on the beach? Maybe grab breakfast? Anything?
Again. Nothing.
Soon, the doorbell rings. My head snaps towards the door and I run to open it. It’s Karly. It has to be my Angel.
As soon as I open the door, I see one pissed-off pregnant girl. “You woke me up!” She pushes me inside and demands that I make her breakfast. “I’m in a deep sleep, you know, finally, and then wake up because some idiot decides to stand outside my house, screaming and crying.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Nicky, you can’t do that! I mean, Jensen and Karly are dating and you’re, oh, I don’t know…MARRIED! For the love of God, own up to what you did and be a man.”
I crack eggs in a bowl and start mixing, adding some pepper and a pinch of salt. “I can’t help it. She does this thing to me and it’s hard to let her go.”
“Well, you have to or else she’s gonna cut you out of her life. Is that what you want?”
“Of course not.” The thought of not being in her life breaks me. “I’ll be good, all right?”
“You better. Now hurry up with my breakfast! I’m so hungry!”
Fixing my sister a plateful of food, I sit down next to her with a cup of coffee and watch her eat.
“All right, you’re ruining this exceptional breakfast. What is it?”
I glance at her. “There’s nothing going on.”
“You can’t lie to me, Nicholas Landon. I’m your sister and I know when you’re having a shit day, so talk to me.”
I open my mouth, ready to pour out everything, but I stop myself. It’s the same thing.
I miss Karly.
I want Karly.
I need Karly.
There’s no ignoring the ache in my heart – actually, the ache through my whole body. No words can describe how I feel.
“I know it’s Karly and I know you miss her. I’ve told you this so many times. You messed up and now you have to live with it. I know there’s more to the story and I can’t wait until you can tell us the truth. Because when that day happens, I’m gonna slap you so hard and then hug you. Everyone knows you don’t want this, but we’re going along with you because we love you, Nicky. That’s what you have to realize. Family means standing by each other, even when we don’t agree with their decisions.”
“I don’t want to talk about it – about Karly or Jamie. I know what I did and I know what I’m doing. But,” I pause, taking a sip of my coffee, “I appreciate you being here.” Taking her hand, she nods and returns to her breakfast.
“You’re gonna be okay, Nicholas.”
“Sure.” I tell myself that I need to be okay and stay strong, even when I feel empty. I’m hurting everyone around me, but this is my decision and, one day, I’ll have to answer to my actions.
Lexi leaves after she’s done eating, so I run upstairs and change into my running clothes. I need to get out of the house and head to the beach.
Parking my car in the lot, I head out and start my run. It’s nice out and the beach is starting to get crowded. A part of me wants to run into Karly. I wonder if she’s here running too.
Running hard, focusing on my breathing, and not caring about who’s around me. I need this, to get away and try to clear my head.
My body gets sore and I feel it in my knees. Brushing away the pain, I run faster. Each time my foot hits the sand, I pump faster. It feels good out here and, little by little, I’m breathing again.
“SO I WAS THINKING,” JENSEN SAYS, BRAIDING MY HAIR. “We should have theme dates.”
“Theme dates?”
“Theme dates. One of the nurses at the hospital found it on Pinterest and explained it to me.”
I quickly turn around, very interested to hear what he has to say. “You know about Pintrest.”
“Don’t read too much into it.” He laughs. “All right, so we take popsicle sticks and write down a date idea for each one. Like hiking or beach day or skydiving day…”
“Yeah, no skydiving,” I protest. I thought I wanted to do that, but nope, not happening. Thinking about jumping out of a moving plane thousands and thousands of miles off the ground…Nope.
“All right, well, you get the picture. And then we put those sticks in a jar and, when we have a chance, we pick one out and, boom, that’s our date.”
I have to say, this man is too cute. I love how he’s trying to make this work and making me happy. “Awwww, I love it.” Leaning in, I give him a kiss on his lips before getting out of bed to make us breakfast. “So can today be ‘Karly makes her sweet boyfriend breakfast while he rests after working sixteen hours’?”
He smirks his sexy smirk. “Sure. I like that theme. And maybe I can add ‘Karly has amazing hot sex with her sexy boyfriend so he can hear her moaning and screaming his name.’”
With that, I leave the room laughing, shaking my head. The topic of sex with Jensen is never easy. Yes, he’s my boyfriend and yes, he’s absolutely sexy, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to give him that piece of me. Not yet.
After whipping up a southwestern omelet and coffee for him, I head back to the room and we talk for a little bit before he passes out for a few hours. I head to the craft store and pick up the supplies, but before I go back home, I drive by Nicholas’ house. It looks empty, no cars in the driveway. I wonder where he is today and what he’s doing.
Sitting in front of the house, I lean back in my seat and stare outside. I still miss him and think about him all the time. Even though I’m with Jensen, a piece of me belongs to Nicholas. I’m not going to let him go. I won’t let him go. Nicholas taught me so much about life and living. He’s the only place that makes sense. All my life, I thought I would be alone, too scared to give someone my all. Now I have two men on my mind and in my heart: One who is married and one who wants to take it to the next level. I should be happy someon
e wants me, yet, all I want is someone I can’t have.
Pulling away, I drive back home to spend the day with the man who seems to make me forget for a little while.
It’s date night! Dinner and club night for tonight’s date!
Getting home from a day of shopping with Lexi, I run upstairs, taking the stairs two at a time to make it to my room.
Today’s been exhausting! Lexi and I went shopping and went kind of crazy. For the first time in a while, I actually splurged and bought myself everything I wanted, including some nice things for my best friend. We took our time and relaxed. Finally, after so long, I felt like I could fly – felt like I could breathe.
Slowly, I feel like the old Karly is coming back and I’m glad because I’ve missed her.
Tonight, we’re heading out to dinner with Lexi, Larry, Bradley, and Jana. They’re coming up for the weekend and Jensen finally has a few days off from the hospital, but he’s on call.
Jumping into the shower, I take my time, shaving and singing along to “Bye Bye Bye” by N’Sync. Suddenly, I hear clapping and I almost die. Shit! Jensen!
Opening the curtain, I see him sitting on the toilet seat, laughing. “Really! I am trying to get ready and thought I was alone!” Closing the curtain, I finish my shower. Grabbing my towel, I wrap it around my body. “You’re not cute.”
“Oh, I am. Admit it.”
“No!” I shake my head. “You’re an invader of privacy.”
He kisses my forehead, pushing me against the wall. Mmmmmm, yeah, he can be my invader any day. “I want you so bad, babe.”
My walls come up. I’ve only been with Nicholas. Being with another guy; I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready.
“I know, but I don’t think I’m ready.”
He pushes his erection against me. “I’m so fucking horny,” he whines. “I’ve been getting blue balls since first sleeping over. It’s not fun jacking off.”
Bursting out laughing, I push him away and walk out of the bathroom. I may be acting like a child, but I’m not ready to have sex with another man. There’s too much emotion and attachment that goes along with sex. I can’t do that again. Not right now.