by Teegan Loy
“Tyler. Tyler.”
“Huh?” I blinked furiously. “Sorry, Mama. Where was I?”
“I don’t know? You tell me.”
The heat rose up my face and a sheen of sweat sparkled on my skin. It was very weird thinking about having sex with Skye while sitting with my mother.
She raised an eyebrow but said nothing more. I was pretty sure she knew I’d been thinking about him again. I strummed the guitar a few times and launched into the first song that popped into my head.
Mama smiled when I started to sing “Hallelujah.” She relaxed and sank deeper into her chair as the notes wrapped around us. I put all my sadness, anger, and hurt into that song, and when I finished, I was spent from playing and from being tortured by my memories. I also had really bad cottonmouth again, making it difficult to swallow.
“You want something to drink?” I asked as I stood.
“Some ice chips would be nice.”
I wobbled and almost tripped when I tried to take a step. I was obviously more stoned than I realized. A noise from the end of the yard brought me out of my trance. I squinted and thought I saw a flash of light brown hair. I sucked in a deep breath and rubbed my eyes. When I looked again, there was nothing but trees swaying in the breeze. I must’ve been really stoned, because now I was hallucinating.
Mama laced her fingers with mine and I rested my hand against her cheek.
“I can feel how unhappy you are,” she said. “You have to know that there is love all around you, and I really do believe you’ll find it again. But you need to let go of the past and give people a chance.”
My head lolled to the side and my shoulders dropped. “Next time I’m going to sing ‘Love Stinks.’”
She giggled and rolled her eyes. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation here.”
I snorted. “Nice try, Mama.”
“You’re a stubborn kid.”
She closed her eyes and her brow furrowed. I could tell pain was sweeping through her body. She gripped the arm of the chair so hard her hand shook.
“I need to lie down,” she said through clenched teeth. “I think it’s getting close.”
I lifted her to her feet. She weighed less than the backpack I’d brought on the plane.
“What’s getting close?” I asked without thinking.
“My time to leave you all.”
I staggered at the words, almost sending both of us tumbling to the ground. I opened my mouth a few times, but no words came out. What do you say to a statement like that? I turned my head away from her, taking a deep breath and squeezing my eyes shut. A few tears slid down my cheeks.
The patio door slid open, so I snuck a peek as Lindy stepped out, carrying a tray filled with pill bottles and some water. She immediately placed it on the patio table and rushed to Mama’s side.
“Hello, Lindy. Could you help me to my room? For some reason, this boy’s a little stoned.”
“Susan, you’re not supposed to be sharing your medication,” Lindy scolded.
When she looped her arm around Mama’s waist, Mama winced and leaned almost all her weight on Lindy.
“I think I need something a little stronger than the pot right now.”
“Let’s get you back to bed.” Lindy helped Mama shuffle into the house. Lindy glanced back at me and I could see the sadness radiating out of her eyes. It made my heart hurt.
“Ty, grab that tray, please,” Lindy said.
“I’ll be right there.”
“No, Tyler. Now,” she said sternly.
I did as I was instructed and picked up the tray, scooting ahead of them to open the door.
After Lindy settled Mama and had her pain managed, Mama dozed off, and Lindy signaled me to follow her. She walked into the living room and flopped on the sofa, letting out a long sigh. “Fuck.”
“Can I do anything for you?” I sat down next to her.
“Thanks, but no. I usually never care for someone I know, but I couldn’t turn Dr. Olsen and your mother down.”
“Stupid question, but are you a nurse?”
“Yes, I’ll be completing my master’s degree at the end of next semester. Dr. Olsen . . .” She bit her lip.
“Lindy, I’m not going to freak out because you say the name Olsen. Give me a little credit.”
“Tell me what it was like,” she said, leaning into my side.
“What?”
She took a deep breath. “What it was like to love him and tell no one.”
“Why would you ask that now?”
“We never really talked about it.”
I snorted. “Yeah, well, I felt bad. You felt bad. Everyone felt bad, except him.”
She laid her head on my shoulder. “I know we weren’t together very long, but I fell hard for you.”
I took her hand. “I never meant for you to get hurt.”
“I used to wonder what would’ve happened if you’d never met Skye, but all that did was drive me crazy.”
“I wondered that too.”
“For a while, I thought it was my fault, that maybe I’d turned you off girls.”
“Holy shit. You do know it doesn’t work like that, right?”
She shrugged and sighed loudly.
“You have to know I wanted to love you. I tried to love you, but you were right, it was always him.”
“When did you know?”
“Lindy, enough. I really don’t want to talk about this. Ever since I came back home, it’s been overwhelming dealing with the past and the present. I actually thought I’d put some of this shit behind me, but then I come back here and it’s like no time has passed.”
“It might help if you talked,” she said.
“Everyone says that. Maybe I just want to forget the whole thing ever happened.” I sneered and felt my buzz slowly dying.
“Okay,” she said. “So what can we talk about? Are you seeing anyone?”
“I don’t really do the whole relationship thing.”
“Huh.” She pursed her lips and stared at me. “So what do you do instead of relationships?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t really want to know the answers to,” I grumbled.
She sat up and moved away from me. “Why haven’t you asked about him?” she shot back.
“Because I don’t give a fuck where he is, what he’s doing, or who he’s screwing,” I said.
Lindy leveled me with a killer glare. “You sure yell a lot for someone who doesn’t give a shit.
“Why do you want me to ask? It’s not going to change anything.” I pressed my hands against my temples.
“Tyler —”
“No. You were there. You remember what happened. Do you think I want to hear how happy he is with Brooke? I’m sure he has a fantastic job, a couple of perfect kids, and a goddamn dog. He probably lives in a giant house with a stupid fenced yard and pool. It’s better not to know. I don’t give a shit.”
She blinked a few times and opened her mouth.
“Lindy, I’m warning you. I will toss your skinny ass out on the porch if you continue to talk about this crap.”
She stood, her golden eyes bright and staring straight into my soul. “I’m going to check on Susan.” She huffed. “And just so you know, Skye doesn’t have any of that shit.”
She dashed down the hall before I could get another word out. I thought about what she’d said. How could he not have that? It was what he’d wanted. My brain couldn’t process this new information.
I rested my head against the pillow and stared at the ceiling, concentrating on the rise and fall of my chest, slowing my breathing rate down. The sensible part of my brain was shrieking at me to ask the questions about Skye. It had been five long years, and maybe if I asked, my heart would let him go.
Most people would’ve moved on years ago. It’s not like I hoped he’d ever come back. He’d made his choice and it wasn’t me. I’d never tried to explain to anyone why I hadn’t moved on, especially to those who’d witnessed my do
wnfall.
I’d moved away from here and the memories, thinking the distance would ease the pain.
It hadn’t.
I dated, but I didn’t trust anyone, and I wasn’t going to put my heart out there to get it ripped apart again. Maybe I didn’t even have a heart anymore. Sex with no strings attached was all I could handle. If anyone showed the tiniest bit of interest in a relationship, I ended it.
I’d thought Skye was it for me. He’d been my first real love, my only love.
I picked up the guitar and strummed a few chords, but noise from the doorway caught my attention.
“Hi, Ashley,” I said.
“Don’t stop on my account,” she said. “Are you okay?”
“Does it look like it?”
“No.” She flopped down next to me.
“You don’t look so hot yourself.” I eyed her, taking in her rumpled clothing and messy hair. The circles under her eyes looked jet black today.
“I’m fucking tired, Ty. I’m sick of all this shit, and I feel guilty because I just want it to be over . . .” Her lip trembled and she looked away from me, covering her face with her hands.
I tried to swallow, but I had cottonmouth. “I spent the morning with Mama. She told me . . .” I paused when I noticed Ashley’s shoulders shaking violently. I rubbed her back and she looked at me with tears pouring down her face.
“I’m so fucking pissed at everything. This isn’t supposed to be happening. You weren’t supposed to run away, and Mama isn’t supposed to be dying. She’s too young. She’s not going to meet her . . .” She trembled and stood.
Her red-rimmed eyes were filled with fire when she turned to face me. I knew that look, and I braced for the apocalypse.
“Goddamn you. You fucking suck. When I called to tell you that Mama was sick, you should’ve come home. But no, you chose to ignore us. When I married Gavin, your friend, you don’t show up. You’re such an asshole. When Mama had surgery, you didn’t even answer my calls. You ignored me through the rounds of chemo, when her hair fell out, and the never-ending bad news.”
I hung my head and stared at the floor.
“You fucking look at me,” she said. “You’re a selfish shithead.
“I’m sorry, Ash,” I mumbled.
“And you think that makes everything okay?” She was on the verge of going ballistic. “Oooh, Tyler says he sorry, Ashley. He has his reasons for not coming home, Ashley. He’s trying to work some things out. Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. Sometimes I fucking hate you,” she shouted and paced around the room, tugging at her blonde hair as she walked.
“You should hate me.”
“Stop agreeing with everything I say. Fight back. Yell or scream at me. Do something, you asshole!”
“Why? Everything you said is the truth. I’m a fucking coward. I didn’t even want to come back here now, but Lindy told me I needed to do this one thing for Mama. It’s the last thing I’ll ever be able to give her.” I sighed. “I am sorry, Ashley. You have every right to hate me.”
I stood and tried to walk out of the room, but she wasn’t finished with me.
“You’re not walking out on me again, Tyler Rask. You sit your ass down until I’m done.” She growled and narrowed her eyes. “You fucking owe me.”
She grabbed my wrist and led me back to the couch, shoving me down. I thought about fighting her, but it was easier to be a wuss and give in to her.
“Okay, Ash, I’m all yours. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when I should’ve been, but now I’m right here, so do your best. Slap me, yell at me, spit on me.”
She rubbed her eyes and then stared at me for a few seconds. “Spit on you?”
“Uh, I was going to say punch me, but I’ve seen your right hook and I don’t really want a black eye.”
She stayed statue-still but then dissolved into a fit of laughter. “Spit on you?” She laughed. “I should, ya know. I should hock one up and let it fly. Better yet, I should call Gavin. I seem to recall hearing rumors about some legendary spitting at football practice.” She laughed and shook her head. “Only you could make me laugh and talk about Gavin spitting when I should be shouting at you. You’re such a jerk.”
“I’m talented that way.”
She jumped on the couch, falling into my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck. “I’m still mad at you.”
I snorted and poked her, which sent her into another fit of giggles.
“I really am sorry, Ash, and if I could change the past —”
“Would you change everything?”
I looked at the ceiling. “I know what you’re asking me, and I can’t answer that.”
“Why? It’s such a simple question.”
“It’s not a simple question, because I don’t want to change everything. I fucking wish . . .” Now I was shouting. “This is stupid. I can’t change the damn past. Can we talk about something else?”
“I didn’t mean to push, but don’t you think it’s time to talk about him. From what I can tell, you haven’t moved on at all, and Tyler, that’s just sad. It’s been five years.”
“I know how long it’s been,” I snapped. “I thought we were going to talk about something else.”
“Okay. Jeesh, don’t get your undies all twisted.”
“So now we’re talking underwear?” I chuckled and sighed. “I don’t think Mama’s going to be around much longer.”
“Ashley bit her lip and shivered. I laced my fingers with hers, tracing small circles across the top of her hand with my thumb.
“She has everything planned,” Ashley said, sounding defeated.
“Planned?”
“Lindy has all the instructions for Mama’s funeral. I think she’s going to ask you to sing.”
I dropped Ashley’s hand and wondered how much pot Mama had access too. “Christ.”
Ashley nudged me. “We’ll get through this,” she whispered and laid her head on my shoulder.
We stayed like that until Gavin peeked around the corner. “You guys want to go for lunch?”
“If I asked you to spit on someone, would you do it?” Ashley asked.
“What the fuck kind of question is that?” Gavin asked.
“Well, would you spit on Tyler if I asked?”
“Is this some sort of weird game you guys are playing? I usually don’t spit on people without a really good reason.”
“You spit every time you open your mouth,” I said.
“Watch it, Ty, or I will hock one up,” Gavin said.
I tried to use Ashley as a shield. She started laughing, and we decided it would be nice to go out for lunch. Time away would do everyone a world of good, but only if Lindy agreed to stay with Mama while we were gone.
While Ashley and Gavin spoke with Lindy, I waited on the porch, taking a moment to breathe in the fresh air.
A car pulled into the driveway, and a woman with black hair, carrying a flowered bag, got out of the car.
“Hello,” she said as she passed me.
“Hi,” I answered as she disappeared into the house.
Lindy came outside. “That’s Karen. She’s staying with your mom while we go eat,” Lindy said as she looped her arm through mine. “I gave Susan something to help her sleep.”
Even though Mama was asleep, I felt guilty for leaving.
Chapter Fifteen
The diner was quiet, and I was thankful only a few people stared at us when we sat down. Several servers spoke softly to Ashley and Gavin. Ashley nodded a lot and hugged a few people.
We ate in silence. I was just glad to be out of the house and the crushing sadness it harbored.
“That was good,” I said as my fork clattered on my empty plate.
Ashley smiled but got a really strange look on her face. “I’m ready to go. We better get back before Mama wakes up. Go pay the bill, Gavin.” She shoved Gavin and kicked Lindy in the shin. “C’mon. C’mon.”
Gavin scowled at her, but she pushed me out the door, toward the truck.
“What the fuck, Ash?” I grumbled.
I froze when I spotted a familiar head of sun-kissed hair. I watched as Skye climbed out of a vehicle and walked toward the restaurant. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. He was still beautiful.
“What’s wrong with you guys?” Lindy asked.
Ashley squeaked, and I knew the moment Lindy caught sight of Skye.
“Get in the truck,” Gavin commanded, but I was frozen to the spot, caught in Skye’s stare. Something flickered in his eyes and I shuddered. I thought he was going to say something, but he hung his head, shoved his hands in his pockets, and stalked into the diner.
I climbed into the truck and leaned against the window as another memory slapped me across the face.
“Tyler.” Lindy elbowed me when I didn’t answer fast enough.
“What?” I blinked a few times, letting the memory shift away. I stared at the sun light filtering through the trees as we drove down the street.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” She slid closer to me and reached for my hand.
“Nothing,” I said.
Gavin pulled into the driveway, parked, and helped Ashley into the house.
“You sure you’re okay?” Lindy asked.
“I think I’m ready,” I said.
“Ready for what?”
I squeezed her hand and stared into her golden eyes. “What did you mean when you said Skye didn’t have the perfect life? Isn’t he with Brooke?”
She buried her face in my chest and groaned. “Before we get into this shit, I need a drink.”
We climbed out of the truck and slowly walked into the house.
“If we’re going to have this conversation, find a bottle and set up a few rounds. I’m going to check on your mom and let Karen go home,” Lindy said.
I dumped my jacket on the hall bench and went into the kitchen. If there wasn’t a bottle of liquor somewhere in the house, I was going to run out and buy one or two. Maybe we both needed our own bottle.
The cupboards were still in the same order as five years ago. I knelt down and opened the corner door and pulled out several storage containers before I found what I wanted. I pulled out a bottle of scotch. It wasn’t my drink of choice, but the bottle was almost full and would do the trick.