by Teegan Loy
“Ugh,” I grunted, remembering another time we drank scotch.
All these stupid memories were trying to devour me. I really didn’t know how much I’d loved Skye until he was no longer a part of my life. I dropped my head to the table and sighed. Would I ever get over him?
“Tyler,” Lindy shouted.
I rubbed my eyes, standing quickly.
“Yeah?”
“Please call Dr. Olsen for me.”
My stomach lurched, and I met her in the hallway. Her face was drawn and very pale.
“What’s wrong?”
“She’s in a lot of pain and having trouble breathing. She refuses to go to the hospital.”
I closed my eyes, swallowing the lump forming in my throat. I pulled out my phone and dialed as Lindy fired off the numbers. Dr. Olsen answered on the first ring and I repeated what Lindy had told me.
“He’s coming,” I said as I jammed my phone back into my pocket.
“You should go find Ashley,” Lindy said.
Panic rose up in my chest as I processed her words.
“Lindy?” My voice was small and strained.
She bit her lip and swallowed. “She isn’t doing so well.”
I grabbed the banister and managed to sit down on the stairs.
“Tyler, please find Ashley,” she whispered firmly.
I did as I was told and found her sitting on the deck with Gavin. They were wrapped around each other, and the sun suddenly appeared from behind a dark cloud, casting an eerie light around them. I cleared my throat and Gavin swiveled in his chair to face me. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and nodded. He whispered something to Ashley and she slowly untangled from him and rose.
“Lindy says we should . . .” I choked and looked up at the darkening sky.
Ashley ran into the house, leaving me rooted to the spot.
Everyone always says it’s for the best when someone so sick passes away. They’ll be free from the pain and all that other bullshit. Deep in my breaking heart, I knew it to be true, but right now it meant Mama wouldn’t be here anymore.
“Ty,” Gavin said. His hand was warm and heavy on my shoulder. It was time for me to face the music. I hadn’t been around for five years, so now when my family needed me the most, I was going to be there.
Just as Gavin and I walked into the kitchen, Lindy came around the corner, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
“Bring your guitar,” she said. “And hurry.”
“I’ll get it. You go,” Gavin said stiffly.
I rushed down the hall and shoved open the door to Mama’s room. All the windows were thrown open, making the curtains dance each time the breeze blew.
Mama was reclined in her bed, leaning on a mountain of pillows. Her eyes were closed and I could see the rise and fall of her chest, but I could hear the rattle in each breath.
I moved closer, pulled a chair next to her bed, and took her hand in mine.
“Tyler?” she whispered.
“Yes, Mama. Ashley’s here too.”
Ashley sat on my lap and placed her hand on top of Mama’s and mine.
“I love you both,” Mama said. Her whole body shuddered and I could almost feel the blinding pain shooting through her.
I cleared my throat and stared at the ceiling. “Mama, it’s okay to let go. Ashley and I will be fine.”
Ashley placed her head on my shoulder. I could feel her muscles contracting as she tried to hold her emotions inside.
“Play me home, baby boy,” Mama whispered.
I slid my hand away and gave Ashley a kiss on the cheek. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this shit without falling apart. She climbed off my lap and moved to the other side of the bed.
“Susan always loves when you play. We all do, Tyler. You can do this,” Gavin said. He pulled me into a big bear hug before handing me the guitar. He turned away and started to close the door.
“Gavin, please stay. You’re my family too,” Mama said. Gavin let out a large puff of air and joined his wife. Mama reached for his hand. “Take care of my daughter and my grandchild.”
“Always,” he choked out before he kissed her cheek.
“And give Tyler a kick in the ass when he needs it. Don’t let him run away again. He needs you as much as you need him. Promise me you’ll look after my kids.”
Before Gavin could answer her, she had another terrible coughing fit. It took several long minutes before she was able to get it under control.
“Play for me, baby. I want to hear that golden voice of yours one more time.”
I sat on the edge of the bed and propped the guitar on my thigh. I swallowed hard and asked every deity known to man to give me the strength to get through this without falling apart.
At first I had no idea what to play, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t really matter. I launched into a song about how sorry I was for letting my anger and hurt rule my life. The wind blew the notes around the room, filling it with music.
I played everything from John Denver to Incubus to The Beatles to Lifehouse to a song called “Light Falls Away,” because right now it felt exactly like all the light in my life was dying and plunging me into total darkness.
I barely noticed Dr. Olsen coming into the room, checking Mama’s vitals and all the machines she was hooked to. I figured the pain had been so bad that Lindy had convinced my mother to take some potent painkillers intravenously.
Mama tugged on Dr. Olsen’s sleeve and he bent down so she could whisper in his ear. He patted her arm and started unhooking everything.
Fuck. I couldn’t watch this shit, so I moved back into the music, concentrating on every note. If I thought about how close we were, I wouldn’t be able to play anymore. Death had literally moved into Mama’s bedroom and was seated at the foot of her bed.
A few songs later, Ashley stood, kissed Mama on the forehead, and walked around the bed to me. She placed her hand on mine, stopping the movement of my fingers across the strings.
She didn’t have to say the words; Mama was gone.
Gavin came up behind Ashley and placed his arms around her. She turned and shoved her face into his chest, sobbing.
Dr. Olsen nodded at us before he stepped out of the room. “I’ll be right outside.”
I sat on the bed for a few minutes until I couldn’t take the pressure building in my chest. I stood and walked to the window, feeling the breeze blow across my face along with the sting of tears in my eyes. I tried to chase them away, but a few slid down my cheeks.
I heard voices coming from outside and saw Dr. Olsen speaking with someone in the shadows. The wind stirred the trees and the clouds drifted in front of the moon, bringing more darkness to our home.
The voices rose again, and Dr. Olsen embraced the man for a few minutes. The clouds moved and the light from the moon burst forth, highlighting both men. My knees buckled, and I grabbed the windowsill as I watched the familiar gait of the younger man. I’d recognize the swing of those hips anywhere.
“Skye,” I whispered.
The anger came swiftly. What the fuck was that bastard doing outside of Mama’s house? As fast as the madness came, it dissipated. I was too exhausted to concentrate on anything but Mama. The sadness took over everything, and I didn’t really give two shits about Skye Olsen.
The rest of the night was a blur of people coming and going and phones ringing continuously. I’d forgotten how fast word traveled in a smaller town. Everyone seemed to think they were entitled to know everything that was happening. I was used to being anonymous, and I sort of liked it that way, but in Middleton Lake that was impossible.
Gavin’s mom stopped by with food and tried to coax us to eat, but I could barely swallow my spit, let alone food. Things quieted at about four in the morning. Lindy, Ashley, Gavin, and I gathered at the kitchen table. Gavin opened the bottle of scotch and poured us all shots. We clinked glasses and stared at each other, not really knowing what to say.
I broke the s
ilence. “To family,” I said as I raised my glass.
“To family,” they repeated. Everyone except Ashley tossed back the drink. Gavin drank hers.
“Drinking is a no-no for me,” Ashley said and patted her stomach.
Lindy cleared her throat. “I don’t know if this is the right time, but to tell you the truth, I don’t think there will ever be a right time.” She reached into her bag. “These are for you.”
She tossed us each an envelope. I flipped mine over and saw my name written on the front in Mama’s handwriting.
Gavin grabbed the bottle and took a swig, then ripped his letter open, quickly reading it. He got a funny look on his face, shook his head, and grinned a little, then stuffed the letter into his back pocket.
Ashley snorted. “Well?”
Gavin raised his eyebrows. “Well, what?”
Ashley punched him on the arm. “What’s it say?”
Gavin waved his hands at her. “Oh, no. That’s between Susan and me. Read your own letter.”
“Fine.” Ashley frowned. “Be that way. I’m going to bed. Tomorrow is going to suck and I need to sleep. I’m shutting my goddamn phone off too.”
Gavin took another swallow from the bottle, grimacing as the alcohol made its way down his throat. He set it down with a bang and kissed me on top of the head.
“Try to get some sleep, okay,” he said.
“Yes, dear,” I answered. “Ashley, wait.”
She turned and I pulled her into my arms, hugging her tightly. She shuddered and her tears soaked into my shoulder.
“You’re still an asshole,” she said.
“Well, thank you, darlin’,” I drawled, bringing out my best Texas accent. “I do my best. Now get some sleep, little mama.”
“See that he goes to bed,” she said to Lindy, and then she was gone, heading up the stairs with Gavin trailing behind her. For some odd reason, I wanted to know what Mama wrote to Gavin.
Lindy filled her glass again.” I can’t believe . . .” Her voice drifted off and she picked up the glass, tossed her head back, and slammed the drink down. “I’ve been with your mom for a long time.”
“Thank you. For everything you did, and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”
It didn’t seem like enough. I wasn’t sure there was anything I could do to make up for my absence, but saying sorry was all I had.
“You’re welcome,” she said.
I fiddled with the letter, flipping it and running my fingers along all the edges. “I suppose I should open this.”
“I suspect that’s what she wanted.” She chuckled. “Besides, if you refuse, I’m supposed to sit on you and read it out loud.”
“Scoot over here.” Lindy grinned and moved her chair closer. “I’m not really good at facing things. I’m better at running away.”
“So let’s change that.” She squeezed my arm. “Open the letter, Ty.”
I only hesitated for a second before I ripped open the envelope.
My dearest Tyler,
First, I want you to know that I love you, baby boy, and even though I’m not physically with you, I will always be a part of you as long as you carry my memory in your heart.
You have to know I never wanted to leave you or your sister this early. I would’ve given anything to be able to stay. I know times have been tough for you and that you feel lost. I can’t help you find your way, but I can give you a small bit of advice and maybe point you in the right direction. It may sound simple, but it’s the truth. Don’t live with regrets. They only come back to bite you in the ass.
I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other day and what I said was the cold, hard truth. It was really good advice, so I’m going to write it down for you. I can’t remember shit if I don’t put it on paper.
Don’t leave anything on your list, baby, because you never know when your time is up. Live the life you want, not the one everyone thinks you should be living. If you really think about it, settling isn’t really living.
Take the chance.
You’re a good man, Ty, and no matter what you choose to do with your life, you will always be my golden boy. Stay true to yourself. Love with all your heart. It may get broken a few times, but in the long run, it’ll have been worth it. I promise.
All my love,
Mama
PS Lindy has another letter for you, but she’ll decide when you’re ready to read it.
“There’s another letter?” I asked as I wiped the tears from my face.
“Two more,” Lindy stated.
“I’m not even going to ask.” I shook my head and stuffed the letter back into the envelope.
“You should get some rest.” Lindy flashed me her phone screen.
According to her phone, the sun would be up soon.
“I’m not drunk enough to sleep yet.” I refilled my glass. “Maybe we should talk about . . . er, things.”
She set her glass on the table. “You can’t even say his name. How can you think you’re ready to talk about it?”
“Fine. I want to know about Skye. Why the hell was he here when Mama passed away? I saw him with his dad. Why is he in Middleton Lake? Where the hell is Brooke —”
Lindy held up her hands. “One thing at a time.”
The doorbell rang and we looked at each other, a bit surprised. Who’d be coming over before the sun rose? It rang again, and then someone was knocking.
“Well, whoever it is seems to think we’re going to answer the door. Do you want me to make them go away?” Lindy asked.
“My big, bad protector.” I swooned and clutched at my chest.
The person knocked again, so Lindy and I stumbled to the door. I flung it open, not even checking to see who it was.
Lindy gasped, her eyes going wide. I lost touch with reality for a few seconds, feeling like I was suspended in time with nothing moving forward or backward. I had to grab the doorframe in order to remain on my feet.
Physically, he didn’t look much different. He was a bit thinner and very pale. His hair was a little shorter on the sides, but still as wild as ever. But it was his eyes that drew me. They weren’t the same vibrant hazel, dazzling eyes I remembered. Instead, they were flat, and the dark shadows under them made him look haunted. His shoulders were rounded, and he had his hands jammed into his pockets, making his jeans hang low on his hips.
“I . . . ,” he stuttered and looked at Lindy.
“What the fuck do you want, Skye?” I asked.
“Uh, could I talk to you?”
“No,” I snapped.
Lindy stomped on my foot.
“Please?” Skye’s voice was so soft I could barely make out the words.
“I can’t do this, Skye. Mama’s gone, and I’m not ready to talk to you. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready, and frankly, I don’t think you deserve to talk to me.” My voice rose, getting louder and meaner. “It’s been five fucking years, and you’re asking me why I don’t want to talk to you? You never tried to contact me. You went on with your life while I — Christ.” I snapped my mouth closed and stared directly at him.
The anger rose, fighting to come out as I balled my hands into fists. I wanted to punch him in the face, but the man who stood in front of me looked broken. He had no right to be upset with me. Five years ago he’d walked away. I didn’t owe him anything.
“You’re wrong,” he said strongly.
“What are you talking about?” I pressed my palms against my temples. My brain felt like it was about to explode out of my skull.
“I wanted to call you, but I didn’t know where you were, and Ashley wouldn’t tell me. No one would tell me. And Susan . . .”
He paused and hung his head, slowly backing down the steps. I let the door close and it sounded like an explosion. What was left of my heart shattered into a million pieces. I bent at the waist, trying to catch my breath. Maybe I was dying. I dropped to my knees. Lindy rubbed my back.
“It’s been over five fu
cking years. What the hell is wrong with me?”
“You need to know what happened after you left town,” Lindy said.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you still treating me like a friend? Why do you think he deserves my time? Just, why?” Her eyebrows disappeared into her bangs. “Don’t give me that look, Lindy, I can almost hear the gears grinding in your head.”
“Whether or not Skye deserves another chance with you is not up to me; that’s all on your shoulders, but I think you need to hear his story. As for me, I’ve put that issue to bed already. I put it to rest five years ago. I just never said it to you.”
We were interrupted by a loud thump on the porch. “Now who the hell is here?”
When no one rang the bell, I went to see what had made that noise. I ripped open the door, not really knowing what to expect. The porch was empty. I stepped forward and tripped over a large cardboard box.
“Who is it?” Lindy shouted.
“A box.”
“What the hell?”
The box was heavy as fuck. I thought the kitchen table might collapse when I set it down. Lindy lifted the lid and pulled out a notebook. I didn’t need to open one to know they were Skye’s journals. He’d always carried one, tucked in his bag or under his arm. He’d even kept one in his car.
Without thinking, I grabbed one of the shot glasses and chucked it against the wall. It shattered, sending glass shards flying everywhere.
“What the hell is going on?” Ashley shouted.
She thundered downstairs and came tearing into the kitchen, skidding to a stop when she saw the look on my face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Skye was here,” Lindy answered as she dug the broom out of the closet.
“You can’t keep letting him get to you,” Ashley said.
“Don’t you think I know that?”
I sank back into the chair and pinched the bridge of my nose. I needed to get the hell out of Middleton Lake before I totally lost it.