by Teegan Loy
“Lindy, stop staring at me.”
“It’s hard to miss.”
She laughed and I groaned.
“Take it as a compliment.”
“Jesus,” I muttered as I wrapped the blanket around my waist and headed toward the bathroom. I slammed the door a little harder than necessary to drown out her cackles.
I sat on the cool floor, cross-legged, and my hand automatically went to my hip. I traced the letters of my tattoo.
Reading Skye’s journals hurt like hell. He poured everything out on paper but never once exposed his true feelings to me. He hid everything so well that I actually believed I’d been nothing more than a casual fuck.
I was nervous to read the more recent journals. Lindy had been ready to tell me about his current life, but we kept getting interrupted. People hinted that he didn’t have a great life, and if I thought about it, my sadistic side wanted him to suffer for everything he’d put me through. I wanted to shout at him and tell him he got what he deserved, but the other side, the one that loved him desperately, wanted to touch him, to hold him, to love him again.
I was fucked. I couldn’t still love the bastard. I didn’t know him anymore. I never really knew him. The journals were igniting all the old feelings. They weren’t real anymore.
“Tyler?” Lindy whispered against the closed door.
“I’m okay. And no, honey, I’m not jacking off.”
She snorted. “I wasn’t going to ask you that. My nurse senses were going off, and I needed to know you weren’t drowning or something.”
“I’m showering.”
I swear I heard her roll her eyes. I was amazed and thankful she was still my friend. She had been the innocent caught up in my drama. It was a testament to the sort of person she was that she accepted me back into her life.
I cracked open the door. “Hey, Lindy.”
“Yeah?” she said, looking at me from the bed.
“I love ya.”
“I know.”
I shut the door and cleaned up. I figured I needed to be all shiny for this shitty day. We had a lot of things to take care of, people to meet, and bullshit to put up with. The day hadn’t really started, and I already hated it.
Lindy had disappeared when I came out of the bathroom. Instead, Gavin greeted me. “Will you hurry up. I want to be done with this shit so we can have a drink or two.”
“Yes, sir.” I saluted him with my middle finger.
He rolled his eyes and turned on some music. We both froze when an old song with a haunting melody blared.
“I’m sorry, man,” Gavin said, fumbling with his phone.
“It’s okay. Leave it on. It’s just a fucking song,” I said.
The notes and words followed me to my suitcase. My hands shook and my breathing went all ragged.
“It’s just a fucking song,” I mumbled, shaking the memory out of my head.
“Ty, we need to go. Ashley’s going to have our balls if we’re late.”
I finished getting dressed and hoped I had on all the right clothing and all buttons were fastened and zippers zipped.
“Mama, help me get through this bullshit day,” I muttered.
She must have been listening to my prayer because when I stumbled out of my bedroom, Gavin thrust a lit joint into my face. The sweet aroma flooded my nose, and my body automatically relaxed. I snatched it out of his hand and inhaled deeply. He allowed me a couple more drags before grinding it out and tucking the roach back into the baggie.
“For medicinal purposes,” he said with a wink. “I’m going to miss her so much.”
I sighed and followed Gavin upstairs, where a visibly unhappy Ashley was waiting.
Lindy met us outside, telling me she was here to hold my hand and offer support. She cuffed Gavin and I in the heads when she noticed we were lit up. Ashley shot Gavin an evil glare, and I snickered when he slid his hand deep in his pocket to shield his nuts.
The day passed in a fog of meetings, listening to people say how sorry they were, and a bunch of other bullshit. Ashley represented and did all the talking for the family.
When we finally completed the gigantic list Ashley had penned, I needed a drink and to smoke the rest of that joint. I also needed to call Joey. I hadn’t spoken to him since I’d landed safely in this hellhole. I’d shot off a few text messages, but Joey said he needed to hear my voice.
“Hey, Ty, would it be okay if Gavin and I went home tonight? I really want to sleep in my own bed,” Ashley asked.
“I don’t need a babysitter, Ash.”
“I can stay,” Lindy said.
“Oh, for chrissakes, everyone can leave. You all hover too fucking much. I’m exhausted, and I need some time to wind down. I’ll see everyone tomorrow.”
Ashley threw her arms around my neck. “Thank you,” she breathed out.
“Thanks, bro.” Gavin slapped me on the back. They were gone before I could get my hand out of my pocket to wave.
I walked with Lindy to her car. She climbed in, closed the door, and unrolled the window. I leaned in and kissed her cheek. “This is such a sensible car. What happened to the sweet little ride you had in high school?”
“I got tired of everyone knowing where I was.” She laughed. “And I decided I wanted to slow things down a bit. Try to enjoy life instead of speeding through each day just to get to the next one and do the same thing over again.”
“Are you happy?”
She blinked at me, and a smile slowly spread across her face. “I’m working on it. I’ll see you tomorrow. If you need anything, call me.”
I watched as she slowly drove away. Her brake lights came on and she poked her head out the window. “You should try it sometime.”
“Try what?” I yelled.
“The happy thing.” Her laughter rang down the street as she drove away.
A breeze ruffled my hair and I stared up into the clouds. “Do you think I could be happy, Mama?”
I soaked up the silence of the evening. An odd feeling came over me and I went in search of Skye’s guitar. I needed to play, to feel the music in me and to revisit the song that made me remember the touch of his hand and the taste of his lips.
With guitar in hand, I snagged a joint and decided to head outside again. I made it to the deck and sank into one of the lawn chairs, quickly sparking the joint and smoking until I felt that comfortable buzz settle in my bones.
And then I started to play a song I usually reserved for drunken, out-of-control nights. The song always conjured the memory of when the darkness settled around me. Sometimes I never wanted the sun to rise.
When my voice went rough, I stilled the guitar strings and thought about those words. However he would have me should’ve set off a firestorm of alarms. But I’d been stupid in love and let him have what he wanted, whenever he wanted it. I kept the secrets and suffered in silence, hurting not only myself, but also everyone around me.
Just love me when you can. I’ll be there when you call.
I stood, grabbed my things, and raced into the house to find that fucking journal. I needed to know what he wrote about that night. He’d spilled his secrets to the stupid journal. Jealousy raged through me, and I wanted to burn the books.
Sheer madness coursed through my body as I jumped down the stairs, almost breaking my leg in the process. For five years I’d avoided thinking about this shit, and now I was going to dive headfirst without checking the depth of the water.
I paused because for some reason I was nervous as hell and acting slightly crazy about a bundle of paper. What good would come from reading his thoughts? It was over, done, past. Things changed, people changed, but if I examined my life carefully, I hadn’t really changed. I’d remained stagnant and miserable.
“Shut the fuck up,” I mumbled.
Regardless, it was time to know his story. I thumbed through the pages until I found what I was looking for.
November 20
Tyler’s finally asleep. I think I scared the shit
out of him. I want him, desperately, but I’ll never push him to do what he’s not comfortable with. I want a willing lover.
Lover?
Boyfriend?
Partner?
Even in whispers, the words sound strange and so unattainable. Our time is short. When we graduate, we’ll go our separate ways.
My blood runs cold when I think about my dismal future.
Tyler is muttering in his sleep. My heart flutters when I look at his blond curls and pretty red lips. I move his hair off his face and wonder if he’s dreaming of me. I will always dream of him.
He had plans to dump me and it had only been November. Reading the journal was making my heart pound wildly. I lit another joint and thought about smoking with Mama. A lump formed in my throat and I pushed the sadness away, concentrating on getting as high as possible.
I took another hit and turned the page.
November 21
Tyler is once again asleep, looking happy and sated. His face is flushed, his lips bruised, and his hair still damp from the shower.
The day began when I woke to find him tucked into my side. The heat from his skin touching mine burned into me and I woke to a fire deep in my bones. I wanted to devour him, but I decided to slow things down. We’re always so frantic, and I wasn’t going to push him today.
It didn’t help that my erection was past the point of painful. My dick was happily pressed against his ass with only underwear as a barrier. I tried to conjure images that would help my dick lose interest, but he moved and I almost lost it.
Well, fuck, I was getting hard reading this shit. How perverted would it be to shove my hand down my pants? I considered ignoring my dick for about three seconds before I took hold. I was going to jerk off reading about Skye and me.
November 21
Tyler rolled over and his eyes fluttered open. I found myself staring into those beautiful pools of deep blue liquid and I was lost, helpless. When he placed his hand on my dick, I pushed into his touch. He gripped me tighter, stroking harder and faster. Moisture pooled at the tip and he swept his thumb through it, lubing up my shaft. A couple more tugs and I was coming all over his hand.
My own hand sped up and I rocked my hips in time. It felt dirty jacking off to Skye’s words, but I needed relief. One more twist of my wrist and my hand was sticky. Only this time, it was my own and not Skye’s come that coated my palm.
“Fucking pathetic,” I murmured and headed for the bathroom to clean up my mess.
Reliving that moment had been incredibly painful. I’d spent the last five years carefully shielding myself from the memory and now it was out in the open and it fucking made my heart ache.
But I was a glutton for punishment and picked up the journal again. I needed to know more of what had been going on in his head. It felt like the only way I could move past him.
November 21
The moment I breached him, I was wrapped in fire. It was difficult to stay in control but I didn’t want to hurt him. He put his trust in me, and I wasn’t going to disappoint him.
I ran my hands over his ass and up his back, feeling the contractions of his muscles. I listened to the noises he made, and my stomach flipped upside down when he whispered my name.
In spite of everything, I foolishly let myself fall in love with him. I wanted to shout it from the top of the school, out in the middle of the football field, and in Brooke’s face. This was the man I loved and everything else be damned.
Just the idea that I loved him rattled me to my core, because I knew that it would not, could not last, and knowing that made my entire body hurt like hell.
I’m too chicken to say the words out loud, so I’ll write them a million times over.
Tyler, I love you.
Forever.
I stared at the page, running my fingers over the words. He’d written it over and over and over. After everything, the bastard had fucking loved me.
Five years ago I’d have given anything to hear him say the words. I dreamed about them, craved them, and wanted them so much that at times I felt like I was suffocating.
Those few days before the football game had been some of the best moments of my life, and that was just fucking pathetic because it had been high school and I’d clung to those memories like a drowning man gripping a lifejacket.
Thinking about the wasted time made me ache to punch him in the face. I looked at my clenched hands and noticed I twisted Skye’s journal, crumpling his words. I wished I could toss the journal in the garbage, but the words made me feel like a kid again. I sighed and smoothed out the paper, staring at the words.
Tyler, I love you.
Forever.
I read more about our time together. Skye’s sadness leaked from the pages and made me feel terrible, but then I read the passage about returning our relationship to the cover of darkness and my anger flared again.
But my anger was a little hypocritical because I didn’t say anything to him until almost the end of the year. I let him think I was okay with how things were between us.
“Fuck.”
Chapter Eighteen
Someone was shouting and banging around upstairs. I groaned and pulled the blanket over my head, hoping they would go away. At some point last night, I must’ve passed out and started dreaming. Man, that scene was hard to forget and made me break out in a sweat.
Those fucking journals were going to be the death of me. The reading had been torturous and draining. At times I wanted to punch him in the face and toss a burning journal into his lap, but there were also moments when I remembered some of the sweetness we shared, and the sex had always been intense.
Lindy stomped down the stairs, yelling about waking up.
“Could you be any more annoying?” I grumbled when she jumped on the bed.
“I could pull the blankets off you, but I know how you are with mornings.” She waggled her eyebrows and snickered.
“Good grief, woman. Shut up.”
She rose on her knees, shaking the bed. “Tell me about the journals.”
“Is nothing sacred to you?”
“No. Now spill the details and make it fast. Ash and Gavin will be here shortly to talk about the funeral preparations.”
“I thought it was all planned.”
“You still have to discuss the details. Plus, you have to meet with Susan’s lawyer.”
“Great,” I grumbled.
“So?” She poked me and grabbed at the journal by my thigh. I snagged it before she could get it and shoved it under my pillow. “I want to know.”
I closed my eyes. “He loved me.”
“And?”
I opened my eyes and stared at her. “What do you mean, and? It’s not like he ever said it to me.”
Her eyes widened when the words hit home. “Never?”
“No, never.”
“But you had to know. I knew . . .” Her voice trailed off and she clasped my hand.
“I let it slip out once. I thought he loved me, but I wasn’t sure, and one night it popped out of my mouth. What a fucking mistake.” My voice cracked.
“Was that the night you called me?”
“Yeah. Grad party. It was the beginning of the end for us. He had it all planned out. He knew he was going to leave me after grad, but the way it happened destroyed me.”
I gulped at the air, trying to fill my lungs. This was one of my worst memories and I really didn’t care to revisit it, but it was coming at me at full force. Lindy squeezed my hand so hard it hurt.
“Tell me,” she whispered.
“I don’t think I can.”
We bickered for a few minutes until I asked her a question that made her stop and stare at me.
“When I called that night, you answered right away. Why?”
“I don’t know?”
I touched her cheek and traced the tears that dripped down her face.
“I felt like you needed me.”
“You saved me,” I said. “Thank you.”
“I’m on fucking overload. How am I going to deal with all this shit? Mama’s gone, and I’m reading and remembering shit from five years ago that’s stirring up all sorts of things. It’s so fucked up.”
“Have you read any of the recent journals?” Lindy asked.
“No.” I dug through my bag, searching for something suitable to wear as Lindy continued to ask questions. “I’ve only read the stuff from school.”
“We need to put the past on hold,” Lindy said. “Ash won’t be happy if we’re late.”
I picked up my clothes and slipped into the bathroom. The guy in the mirror looked like hell. Dark circles under my eyes made it look like someone had clocked me in the face. My skin was pale, almost sallow looking. I’d seen the look before. It was the same face that had stared back at me after Skye had walked out on me. Loving someone had sucked the life out of me. Not caring about anything was much easier.
Lindy was waiting on the porch for me. I stepped outside just as Gavin and Ashley pulled into the driveway. We exchanged hugs but didn’t say anything until we were in the truck.
“What happened at the graduation ceremony when they called my name?” I asked.
Ashley turned around from the front seat, and Gavin groaned low and loud.
“I had to step in and pick up your diploma while Mama held your dumb note and cried in the audience.”
I suddenly felt worse than ever. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you asking?”
“I don’t know?” I lied.
“Right.” She scowled and turned forward again.
“And we’re here,” Gavin said. “Can we focus on getting this over with?”
Everyone grumbled, but I snapped my mouth shut and headed into the lawyer’s office.
Mama really had made all the arrangements and made sure all the t’s were crossed and the i’s dotted. She left me the fucking house, stating that she wanted me to put down roots. She thought I needed a permanent address. By the time the meeting with the lawyer was over, I was drained.