by Teegan Loy
“Mr. Rask,” the lawyer said.
“Yes?”
“I need a moment with you.”
Ashley waved. “We’ll be in the car.”
“Fine.” I wondered what the hell the lawyer wanted from me.
“Please, sit down.”
“Can we make this quick. My sister and I still have a lot of stuff to get done before tomorrow.”
“Your mother really wants you to stay in Middleton Lake,” she said. “Susan made me promise to talk to you. I told her it really wasn’t my business, but she could be very persuasive.”
I was ready with a snide comment but deflated when she smiled at me. “I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I ask,” she said stiffly. “Also, there are a few more provisions that your mother wanted me to address. I would like to set up another appointment with you.”
“That’s fine.”
“I’ll have my receptionist schedule you for Friday. Same time okay?”
I nodded and offered her my hand. The receptionist poked her head in the door. “Excuse me, your next appointment is here.”
“Thank you. Send him in,” she said.
I turned to leave and ran right into her next appointment. I opened my mouth to apologize and looked into all-too-familiar hazel eyes.
“Tyler,” Skye whispered.
“Fuck.” I bumped his shoulder to get past him.
“Wait,” Skye said. “Please.”
The pain in his voice made my heart skip a beat. My brain told me to walk away but my stupid heart screamed to stop. I kept my eyes focused on the lawyer, who was standing in the doorway, staring at us. It was probably an interesting floorshow.
“I need to go,” I said.
“So that’s that then? You won’t even give me a chance?”
“You don’t deserve another chance.” The words lacked the venom I was shooting for, but I was tired of fighting. My shoulders sagged and I turned toward the door.
“Your mother was wrong,” Skye said.
I frowned and shoved him against the wall, jamming my forearm into his chest. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the receptionist lift up the receiver on her phone.
“You have no right to talk about my mother. You know nothing.”
Anger surged through me and I clenched my fist, thinking about punching him in the mouth.
Skye clenched his jaw and stared back at me with hardened eyes. “I know more than you do. She was my friend. You barely spoke to her the last five years. I talked to her at least three times a week, more toward the end. Until you came back, and then I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”
He choked on the last words and pushed me away.
“Can we reschedule?” he asked.
The receptionist flipped through a booklet. “Would tomorrow at three work?”
“No, I have a funeral to attend. I’ll call later,” he muttered as he walked out of the room, leaving me leaning against the wall with my mouth hanging open. I staggered over to a chair and sat.
“I’m sorry. I need a second.”
Lindy peeked around the door. “Is everything okay? I just saw Skye storm out of here.”
“He’s coming to the funeral.” My voice sounded hollow. “They were friends.”
“Come on, Ty. I can either tell you or you can read it in his journals. Heaven forbid you actually talk to Skye.” She shook her head.
“Are you on his side?”
“Think of me as Switzerland. I’m neutral.”
I snorted. “You were never neutral before.”
“Things changed. I know you don’t think it’s possible, but people change. We grew up. We moved on. Some of us even made peace with the past.”
I furrowed my brow as Lindy opened the back door, giving me a shove. Gavin turned in his seat and arched a brow.
“He okay?”
“Doubtful,” Lindy said. “Nothing we can do though, and we’re running behind. It’s been a long day and it’s barely started.”
I focused on the swirling leaves dancing around the parking lot. “Were they really friends?” I muttered.
Gavin parked near the front door of the church and whispered something to Ashley.
“C’mon, Lindy,” Gavin said as they got out of the car, leaving me with Ashley.
“You need to pull your shit together, Tyler. You can fall apart after the funeral.” Ashley reached over the seat and we grasped hands.
“No falling apart until after the funeral. Got it,” I said.
“And Skye will be here tomorrow. He deserves the chance to say goodbye. I know it’s weird, and before you start bitching, I’m not picking his side. I’m choosing Mama’s side. Mama spent a lot of time with him.”
“He took my place,” I said.
“No, it wasn’t that. They needed each other. Their friendship grew when he moved back to Middleton Lake.”
“Jesus.”
“It was a good thing for both of them. We can talk about this later. Right now we need to take care of Mama.” She smiled as a few tears slid down her face. She swiped them away.
We walked arm in arm into the church. I made it through the afternoon by leaning on Lindy and trying to focus on what Mama wanted. The ceremony would be simple with me playing a couple of tunes. Nothing formal.
“Would you like to run through anything?” Gavin asked. “We brought the guitar.”
“No, I’ll be fine.”
Gavin clapped me on the shoulder and grinned at me. “Never said you wouldn’t, but I know how you artists like to hear the acoustics.”
“I want to go home,” I said.
“Okay. Ash is worn out. She hasn’t really cried yet, only a bit here and there. I know she’s not one to break down, but I think she needs it.” Gavin glanced over his shoulder at her. “She looks like she’s going to snap.”
I felt the same way. I wondered if I gave her a little tug, if I could force her to come undone. I wasn’t looking forward to tomorrow when I’d have to sing in front of a bunch of strangers mourning my mother. And Skye was going to be there.
By the time they dropped me at the house, I was ready to collapse. Lindy asked if I wanted her to stay, but I told her to go home. Gavin said the limo would be by to pick me up around one.
I walked into the empty house and paced around, not really knowing what to do. I desperately wanted a drink or to smoke, but for some reason it didn’t feel like the right time.
Tonight I didn’t want to dull the pain. Tonight I wanted to feel it all. I’d been running away from it for five years, and finally I was ready to face it head-on.
I pulled the guitar out of the case and went into Mama’s room. The hospital equipment that kept her comfortable had already been removed. Now it was just her room.
I sat on the bed and opened the bedside drawer. A small photo album sat on top, so I fished it out. The first photo was a family picture, taken right before Dad had died. It suddenly hit me that I was an orphan. It was a horrible, lonely feeling.
The next pages featured photos of Ashley and me at the house in Texas. Mama had taken one of Ash and me on the porch leaning on each other. It was the night before we’d left for Minnesota. I’d been so angry and unhappy about the move. Ashley was no better. But by coming here, she found Gavin and now she was going to be a mom.
The next photos were more recent. The first showed me wearing my Middleton Lake High football uniform. Another pictured Gavin and Skye standing on the sidelines during a game. Gavin looked like he was diagramming a play in mid-air.
I kept flipping pages and saw more photos of me with Skye. Now I knew how Mama figured out my feelings for him. The pictures told the story. The way I looked at him. How we always seemed to be next to each other. Even when Lindy and Brooke were in the picture, Skye and I were never apart.
But it was the next photo that threw me. It must’ve been taken near the end of the year. Skye and I were out in the backyard, both sitting on the ground, leaning up against the bi
g tree near the edge of our yard. Our heads and shoulders were touching, and he was holding my hand. The look on his face and the blush on my cheeks told a story of happiness. We looked like we didn’t have a care in the world.
We looked like lovers.
I stared for a long time before I finally turned the page. The next few photos were from graduation day. No one was smiling except for a few posed photos where Mama must’ve insisted. Several more photos featured Ashley and Lindy leaning on each other and Gavin scowling. The final picture was Skye, sitting in an empty auditorium with his head down and his diploma clutched in his fist.
While those photos were taken, I was sitting on a bus headed for San Diego.
Chapter Nineteen
A small beam of light filtered through a crack in the drawn shades. I groaned and realized I was still in Mama’s bed, clutching the small photo album to my chest. I rolled over and opened the book again, flipping back and forth from the picture of Skye alone after graduation and me and Skye in my backyard.
Five years was a long time to be angry. I’d been mad for so long, it had become a part of who I was. No one was allowed to know me too well or get close to me. It was too dangerous. I’d exposed myself to Skye, and he’d broken me.
I’d walked away from my family, my home, and my life because I was hurt and pissed off. Seemed silly when thought about in such simplistic terms. I glanced at the photo again. Skye looked miserable. He still seemed miserable. A far cry from the happily ever after I’d envisioned him living.
A small tap on the door startled me.
“Hi,” Lindy said. “I’m sorry, but you didn’t answer your phone and I got a little worried.”
“I think I left it downstairs or in the kitchen.”
She tossed it at me and sat down. “Did you sleep in here?”
My face heated and I twisted the blanket in my fingers. “Yeah.”
She reached for my hand.
“Have you seen these?” I shoved the book toward her.
“Yeah, Skye has these two.” She ran her finger over the photo of Skye and me in the backyard. “Your mom gave these to him. I think it’s how their friendship started. He needed someone to lean on and she did too.”
I turned away from her. “I hurt so many people.”
“You both did.”
“I’m not sure what to do now?”
“First, we need to get through this day, and then, if you want, we can talk. We always seem to get interrupted.”
“He’s going to be there,” I said flatly.
“He deserves to be there, Ty.”
“So I’ve been told.” I felt resigned.
“We have a little time before we have to get ready. If you’re up for it, you could read some more from Skye’s journal. He was really fucked up when he came back from Europe.”
A look of confusion swept across my face. “How do you know what he wrote?”
“I asked, so he told me.”
“You hung out with him?”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “This wasn’t just about you. Your mom thought it would be good for both of us.”
“Mama made you talk to him?”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Believe me, I wanted nothing to do with Skye Olsen. I blamed the whole fiasco on him. I firmly believed he took you away from me.” She sighed. “Just read the journal.”
“I’m still stuck on Mama forcing you to listen to Skye.”
“She said we were all acting like morons. She hoped you would figure things out and come home. We all knew you were stubborn, but none of us believed you’d stay away from here for five years. She always told us that when you were ready to forgive, you’d come back. Only you never came back.”
Hanging my head and turning away from her was easier than trying to think of something to say.
“I need to get ready.” I rolled off the bed and was surprised Lindy didn’t follow me.
I methodically went through the motions of getting dressed. Of course it wasn’t an ordinary day; I was getting ready for my mother’s funeral. I wandered into the kitchen and found breakfast waiting for me. A hot cup of coffee, muffins, fresh fruit, along with a note, and Skye’s journal seemed to be on the menu.
Since the day couldn’t get any worse, I figured I might as well do what Lindy asked and read the stupid journal.
Graduation Day
Most people say that graduating from high school marks the end of your life as a kid and the beginning of your next great adventure. For me, it was the second shittiest day of my life. The first was when I let Tyler go.
This is how I remember the day.
My parents were excited. I could barely think straight. I missed the call from Tyler’s mom. Brooke was already at my house, smiling and talking with my dad. I felt sick to my stomach. She kissed me and scowled when I didn’t return her enthusiasm.
I called Susan back. Tyler was gone. The phone call ended when I smashed my phone and ended up with a cut on my hand. Brooke won. She’d be thrilled.
We made it to the school with barely a minute to spare and were shoved into our assigned chairs. I don’t remember the speeches that were supposed to inspire us to greatness.
Alicia Owens elbowed me in the ribs when they called my name. I was too busy trying not to fall apart. I thought about walking out the door, but somehow I ended up back in my seat with a diploma clutched in my hand. When Tyler’s name echoed through the auditorium, it went eerily quiet.
It was Ashley who strode confidently across the stage and took both diplomas. I sank in my chair and waited until the ceremony ended. All around me kids hugged, shouted, and tossed their grad hats in the air. They climbed over me, rushing for the exit, racing toward their future.
I snapped at Brooke and she left me alone. A small sob escaped, and I leaned forward, crushing the diploma in my hand.
The last thing I remembered was Susan handing me a card and telling me to come talk to her when I was ready.
Early the next morning I opened the card. A photo fluttered to the floor, and when I flipped it over, my breath left my lungs.
It was Tyler and me in his backyard, sitting under a tree. My fingers were entangled with his, and we were leaning close.
What had I done?
I loved him. And now he was gone and I was stuck with a life I didn’t want.
A few hours later I was sitting on a plane, heading to London. I didn’t give a shit if the Queen herself met us at the gate.
Once in the hotel, I retreated into my room, ignoring everyone and everything. My mom was angry, Dad was worried, and Brooke seemed resigned to the fact I wasn’t a willing participant in this vacation.
On the third day, I was sitting on the balcony with a cup of coffee and my picture tucked into the waist of my shorts. My mom confronted me. She shouted about Brooke and then brought Tyler into the mix. She knew about him and was very pleased I chose Brooke.
Her statement pushed me over the edge and I freaked on her, telling her I had no choice. My dad came into the room when the screaming elevated to rock-concert level. I walked out when good old Mom announced no son of hers would ever be gay.
I don’t know what else was said, but later in the afternoon, Dad and I were sitting at the airport, waiting to catch a last minute flight back to the states.
Late July or maybe August
It felt odd to be back in Middleton Lake. It was the same old town, but I wasn’t the same guy. My parents were getting a divorce. My mother couldn’t deal with a gay/bi son. I haven’t settled on an identity yet.
It took several weeks before I worked up the courage to go see Susan. She hugged me when I expected her to slap me across the face for driving her son away.
It’s Tuesday. I’m not sure how I know that. My dad threatened to have me committed or some shit. I don’t give a damn. It’s just a breakup, he reminded me. I didn’t know if he meant Brooke or Tyler?
I found out Brooke was moving to Iowa for college.
&nbs
p; September
I’m heading to Minneapolis to start school in two days. I barely remember registering for classes.
Tyler still hasn’t tried to contact me. I expected Susan to tell him what happened, but she told me it wasn’t her story.
October
It’s been three years since I left home. I’m sitting in a stupid dorm room. In ten minutes I’m going to call my dad and tell him I’m quitting school. Currently I’m working as a bartender. I’m on the fast track to the top of the fucking world.
November
To say my dad was impressed with my decision to quit school . . . yeah, not so much. He’s trying to understand, but I don’t really know how to explain why I’m still hung up on Tyler. It’s just easier not to say anything.
Durnk. Drunk. Some guy hit on me tonight. Said he’d blow me behind the bar. Didn’t happen. Even though he had pretty blond hair. Tyler, wherever you are, I’m fucking sorry. I made a mistake.
Hung over. Again. Some random guy is picking his clothes off my floor. I have no idea if we fucked or if he fucked my roommate.
I glanced at the calendar today. I’ve been in Minneapolis for three and a half years. It isn’t working out for me, so before I end up face down in the gutter, I’m going home.
May
For the past several years I’ve only made a handful of entries in this journal. I used to write daily. Today I’m sitting in the park by my old high school. I came home with my tail between my legs because I was on the fast track to an early grave. My dad welcomed me home with open arms. My mom still isn’t really talking to me.
Last night I told my dad I felt like I caused his divorce. It was a painful conversation, but he said there’s no way it was my fault. I told him Mom wasn’t talking to me. He shrugged and told me he loved me.
And now I’m waiting for Susan to meet me. She told me to call when I was ready to talk, and I think I’m finally ready. Plus I’m hoping she might know what’s going on with Tyler.
June
Tyler is in New Orleans, or that’s where he was the last time he called. She listed off about six other cities he’s lived in.