Never Too Soon

by Tamika Christy

  “Good girl,” Catie said. “And good for you for making things right with Auntie Carmen.”

  “Yeah,” Sophie said proudly. “It’s a slow process, you know? A lot of baggage to unpack, unchecked emotions to figure out. It’s hard, but we are willing to do the work. She even cancelled her last Restylane injection appointment to go on a hike with me.”

  “Ha,” Catie said. “F.O.B.—Family over beauty injections. I’m so proud of you two, girlie. I knew if you gave each other a chance, you guys would make progress.”

  Anaya sniffled. It was great that Sophie and Carmen’s longstanding disagreements and petty fights might finally end.

  “Aw, hell, here we go,” Catie said.

  “I can’t help it.” Anaya leaned over and hugged Sophie. “I was just remembering how you and your mom came to the hospital together when Catie had Amelia. I was so worried that she would stress you out, but you guys got along great!”

  “Well, don’t get all emotional too soon. It’s still very early. We still have some things to work out, but things are definitely getting better. Watching you two struggle without your moms made me take a closer look at my relationship with mine. We only get one mom.”

  Catie choked on her tea.

  “Are you okay, Catie?”

  Catie nodded and waved her hand for them to continue talking. “I’m fine,” she coughed again. “So, what’s up with you and Carl, Anaya? When is the wedding?”

  Anaya studied her nails. “There won’t be any wedding. It’s not working out, guys.”

  “What?” Catie sat up. “What do you mean, it’s not working out? You and Carl are the poster couple for love. Y’all are like J. Lo and A. Rod, Michelle and Barack, Beyoncé and Jay-Z.”

  “That’s not a good one,” Sophie interjected.

  “What?” Catie was annoyed at the interruption.

  “Beyoncé and Jay-Z. That’s not a good example. You know, because of the infidelity and all.”

  “Girl, bye.” Catie dismissed Sophie with a wave of her hand. “Have you heard Lovehappy? The Carters are back and in love. They are the epitome of love. Anyway, Ny, if you and Carl don’t make it, there’s no hope for the rest of us.”

  “I slept with Jeff.”

  Catie shrieked and put her hand over her heart.

  “I knew it!” Catie said. “That’s why your cheeks are all rosy. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with your little va-jay-jay after all.”

  Anaya threw a cushion at Catie.

  “Wow, Ny. Are you okay?” Sophie scooched closer to her.

  “I don’t know. I feel horrible for doing this to Carl, but it just felt right. And then it felt right again.”

  “Wait. Y’all did it twice?”

  Anaya sheepishly held up three fingers and Catie screamed again.

  “I know that was hard, Ny, excuse the pun.” Catie cleared her throat. “But you know what? You have to start doing you. You take care of everybody else. Since Miss Nita died, I never see you do anything for yourself. I know you care about Carl and don’t want to hurt him, but I know you feel something for Jeff too. Don’t deny yourself. See what it’s about. You guys had a faulty break up. Give yourself a chance at happiness. And you finally got some of that Vitamin D!”

  “Oy, chica,” Sophie sniffled. “I’m going to have to agree with Catie. I am Team Carl all day, but I am Team Ny over everyone. If you are struggling this much to hold on to Carl, something’s not right. Give yourself some time, and when you are ready, give Jeff a chance. I don’t know him. I don’t like him because of before, but I love you, and I trust your judgment. Think about it carefully, but your happiness comes first.”

  Catie wasn’t sure how Anaya’s tiny body was producing so many tears, but they kept coming.

  “Maybe you guys are right,” Anaya said quietly after the tears had subsided. “But enough about me. Let’s see Amelia’s new pictures.”

  “Yes,” Sophie said, facing Catie with a wicked gleam in her eye. “And tell us about Antoine. Have y’all slept together too?”

  Catie rolled her eyes as she pulled up the latest pictures of her sweet Amelia. “Ugh, Sophie you can be so annoying sometimes. The answer is no, okay.” Catie passed her phone around and told them about her and Antoine’s new co-parenting norm. It wasn’t ideal, but it worked. He took time off from work to help her around the house; she didn’t fuss as much and they got along. When she got her phone back, she smiled down at her tiny angel and put her phone away.

  “So Catie, can we get the tea from you? What happened the day you gave birth? Why didn’t you want Antoine in the room?” Sophie asked.

  “It’s complicated.” Catie sighed. She knew this was coming. She could no longer pretend like it hadn’t been a big deal. “Sometimes Antoine can be real nosey. He saw some mail on the console that had an address on it, and being his nosey self, he went to the address and then confronted me about it. It was a bad day, and everything came crashing down.”

  “That doesn’t make sense,” Sophie said. “What mail? What address? What came crashing down? What are you even talking about?”

  “Yeah,” Anaya said. “Something is missing.”

  “I, um . . .” Catie pushed back her plate and fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist. She twisted it around a few times and looked up at Anaya and Sophie. “I . . . have been paying bills for my mom and I hadn’t told Antoine about it.”

  Anaya’s mind did flip-flops. Did she just hear what she thought she heard? She closed her eyes and shook her head like she was trying to get something out of her hair.

  The room was silent except for the sound of the small ceramic waterfall on Sophie’s patio and some weird instrumental music. Then Sophie began to hyperventilate.

  “Wait, wait, wait. Hold the phone,” Sophie got out between breaths. “Are you saying your mom is alive?”

  Anaya still couldn’t formulate words. After more than fifteen years of friendship, Catie had never said a peep about her mom being alive. She had told them her mom was dead. Anaya had felt closer to her when her own mom had died. But now Catie’s mother was alive? Had never been dead? It made no sense.

  “Yes,” Catie said slowly.

  “How is that possible?” Sophie was still shaking her head, but much slower.

  “I was embarrassed about who she was, and I lied.”

  Anaya couldn’t handle Catie’s nonchalance. Not about this. Not about lying to her best friends. Not about her mother.

  “Embarrassed?” Sophie asked. “Uh, you’ve met my mom, right? The Botox queen? What could be more embarrassing than all those Botox and Restylane injections?”

  “It’s not the same. My mom is nothing like Aunt Carmen or Miss Nita. She’s . . . different.”

  Anaya started to process what Catie was saying. Flashbacks of her own mom getting sicker from cancer crept into her mind. Losing weight, losing her hair, the fact that her nephews would never know their grandmother. How could Catie be so deceptive?

  “I understand that you may have been embarrassed, but deceiving people who love you isn’t healthy, Catie. We can move past this, but we have a long road of forgiveness ahead of us.” Sophie’s voice was hard.

  “Unbelievable,” Anaya said so low the others almost didn’t hear.

  Catie looked at her. Only now were her eyes sad and serious. “I know, Ny. I’m sorry.”

  “I have shared some of my greatest pains and embarrassments with you, Caitlin. I loved you like a sister and welcomed you into my home and into my family. My mom loved you like her own daughter, and all this time you’ve been lying to me? To all of us?” Anaya stood up. She couldn’t believe her friend would do this.

  Catie motioned for her to sit back down. “You guys don’t understand what I went through. My mom was a drug addict. How do you introduce someone like that to the Goodes or the Beats?”

  “You watched my family suffer while cancer invaded my mom’s entire body and killed her.” Anaya couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face. “Yo
u’ve watched us struggle to pull it together day after day, holiday after holiday, to make our family complete even though there is a hole inside that will never go away.” Anaya realized she was shaking. Tears streamed down her already swollen face. “You have a mom that’s alive and well, and you lie about her existence? That’s the most fucked up thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.”

  “I know. I’m sorry,” Catie repeated.

  “You should be.”

  Catie’s expression turned defensive.

  “Wait a minute, Ny. You don’t have to talk to me like that. I made a mistake, okay?”

  “No, you did more than make a mistake. You lied, you disrespected your mother, and you broke our friendship.”

  “Ny, please don’t get self-righteous on me. Everyone in this room has made mistakes.”

  “Don’t you dare try and turn this around on me, Catie,” Anaya yelled. She pointed an accusatory finger. “You lied. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a liar.”

  “Guys, this is getting bad,” Sophie said in a calm voice, slowly standing to light a few candles. “Catie, as a rule of thumb, you do not bring up someone else’s stuff when you are confessing or apologizing. It’s disingenuous, and an ineffective attempt at distraction. And Ny, when someone bares their soul and asks for forgiveness, we don’t stick a knife in an open wound. We are treading in dangerous territory with these accusations.” She waved the scent of the candles around with her hands.

  “Well, that’s a lie right there,” Catie said, ignoring Sophie completely. “You lied about Jeff for months.”

  Anaya gasped.

  “Ladies, please,” Sophie said. “Let’s take a moment. Let’s close our eyes and breathe.”

  “Shut up, Sophie,” Anaya and Catie barked in unison.

  “Yes, okay. I lied, but not to you guys. Never to my best friends.” Anaya’s forehead glistened. “And my lie is not even in the same hemisphere as yours. You don’t deserve Antoine.”

  Catie had a history of bullying everyone and not being accountable for her actions. Since childhood, Anaya and Sophie always forgave Catie for anything she did, usually without Catie ever apologizing. This final deception, especially with how desperately Anaya missed her own mother, was too much. Anaya’s reaction was strong, but it was too late to pull back.

  Sophie had a hand on her arm. “Anaya. You are talking out of anger. Words are powerful, and you can’t take them back”

  “I don’t want to take them back.” Anaya glared at Catie.

  “Sophie is right. You need to calm down, Ny.” Catie pointed her finger. “I’m apologizing here, come on.”

  “Oh, and because you are apologizing for the first time in your entire life we are supposed to just bow down and forgive you like we always do?”

  “I didn’t ask you to bow down. All I’m asking for is a little compassion.”

  “Talk to your mom about compassion.” Anaya grabbed her purse. “Or better yet, ask your man who has to find compassion in a massage parlor.” Anaya stormed out.

  THIRTY ONE

  Anaya’s breathing quickened as she took a table at Lakeshore Café. She sat near the window with clammy hands and looked outside at the menagerie of hipsters, singles, and techies who seemed lost. It was a much different crowd from Saturday mornings. Anaya ordered an almond milk cappuccino and a bowl of fruit, and suddenly wished for wine instead of caffeine. She hadn’t talked to Catie since their argument a few days ago and was still confused and angry about how her friend could lie to her for so long. Her stomach felt sour and she’d had anxiety about this meeting all day. She couldn’t believe she was about to possibly sabotage her future with the man who had loved her more than she sometimes loved herself. Across from her table, a wall mirror reflected her image—minimal make-up, wild curls, and a black Notorious B.I.G. t-shirt. She sipped her coffee and played around with her fruit until Carl arrived.

  She saw him before he saw her, and her heart throbbed with memories. She hadn’t seen him since they had dinner at his place last week. It was nice, but they were both awkwardly quiet, which was unusual for them. He was casual in khaki cargo shorts and the Titleist cap she bought for him last Christmas. He couldn’t keep up with her on the dance floor, but he held his own on the golf course. She stood and wrapped her arms around him. He smelled like lazy Saturday mornings and comfort.

  “Hey,” she said as he slid into the chair opposite her.

  “Hey,” he replied.

  “Nice cap.”

  He nodded. “Thanks.”

  “Did you play golf today?”

  “Nah. I was helping Faven and Darren move.” He looked at his hands. “They bought a beautiful house. And all the kids have their own rooms now, so that’s good.”

  Anaya nodded. Although they needed to have a serious conversation, a part of her just wanted to hug Carl and pretend like nothing was wrong. Now that he was here, couldn’t they just work it out? She fought back the tears that had appeared far too often during the past few weeks. Then she took a deep breath.

  “So I figured it would be good for us to get together and talk in person.”

  “Okay.” He leaned in with his elbows on the table. “So, talk.” He pushed his lips to the side the way he did when he was worried about something.

  “Well.” She cleared her throat. “Things have been hard for us lately. I feel like we haven’t been connecting the way we used to.”

  “Agreed. Last week’s dinner was pretty awkward.”

  “Yeah. It was. And I just want to know how you feel about us. I mean, do you want us to keep trying, or do you want to take a break, or—”

  He held up his hand. “Whoa. Don’t do that, okay?”

  Anaya was taken aback. “Do what?” Carl’s gruff tone was unexpected.

  “Insult me. Let’s not pretend like we need this grand gesture of a conversation while you try to make yourself feel less guilty about what you’ve been doing. I have never wanted a break from you. And I don’t want to break up with you. I’m pretty sure you know that.” He lowered his voice. “I love you and I have always been very clear about the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. The answer is no, I don’t want a break. So now what?” He folded his arms across his chest.

  Well, damn. “Carl, I love you and no matter what happens, I want us to always be friends.”

  He laughed, but the warmth of it had turned to ice.

  Anaya kept going. “We have a good time together and you mean a lot to me. I don’t ever want us to break our bond.”

  “Our bond?”

  “Carl, yes. Our bond. You were there for me during some of the hardest times of my life. When I was grieving for my mom and Andrew, and when Roscoe was drinking too much. You’ve always been right beside me. No questions asked. No regrets. Just supporting and loving me.”

  “That’s what you do when you love somebody, Anaya.” He looked into her eyes.

  She took a deep breath. “Right now, I just don’t know that things are working for me. I feel like there are too many other things that have come before our relationship.”

  “I saw you,” he said quietly.

  “What?”

  “I saw you. The night of the anniversary party for Faven’s parents. I saw you kiss Jeff in the corridor.”

  Holy hell.

  “Carl, I—”

  “You don’t need to say anything. Actually it’s probably better if you don’t.”

  “It just happened. It didn’t mean anything.”

  “Of course it didn’t. A lot of things don’t mean anything to you lately.”

  “Carl that’s not fair. I’m trying.”

  “Trying to do what?”

  “To give you what you need. To be what you need. To like your friends who hate me. To want to want kids, which I never have. I want to feel like you want me for me.”

  “Those things have never been an issue for me. I’ve always loved you for who you are and I’ve never wanted you to be any different. You know th
at.”

  “That’s not how I feel sometimes,” she said quietly.

  “And whose fault is that?”

  “It’s no one’s fault,” she said. “That’s just the way I feel.”

  Carl slowly shook his head. “And therefore what, Anaya?”

  “Huh?”

  “And therefore what? What are you trying to say, Anaya? That you don’t want to be with me? That you love me, but you kiss other men? That you want to be with me, but you lie to me over and over? What is your point here?”

  The thought of cutting Carl out of her life was like considering which vital organ to remove, but she had to get through this. Sleeping with Jeff meant that something wasn’t right between her and Carl. You don’t slip into another man’s arms; you end up there after traveling a shaky road of uncertainty. It was awkward working with Jeff, but it was slow torture after they slept together. Now she felt like a hypocrite and it was hard to face him or Carl.

  “I’m just saying that for right now, I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.”

  Carl hung his head, and when he spoke, Anaya had to lean in to hear him. “I can’t say I’m surprised. And you are right, things have been different. I want to blame it all on you, but I had my part in this too. You’ve always been crystal clear about your priorities, and our relationship was always at the bottom of the list.” He wiped at his eyes roughly. “I should have paid attention to that. You kept saying you didn’t want kids. You didn’t want to live together unless we were married, but you weren’t ready for marriage either. Then you didn’t want to spend too much time together. I guess this has been happening all along and I was too dumb to see it.”

  “No it wasn’t, Carl.”

  “It was, but it’s cool. You kept it real with me the entire time. I was the one who kept holding on to the hope that you would come around. I guess I thought I could love you into changing your mind. That was stupid.”

  “It’s not stupid to believe in somebody. I love you for believing in me. I love you for loving me the way you do.” She grabbed his hands.

  When he looked up at her, his eyes were devoid of hope. “Yeah, and where did that get me?”