Penumbra

by Dan Ackerman

  The whole affair took on the air of a sleepover.

  People dropped off to sleep. They’d all exhausted themselves after all.

  Arden draped a sheet over Oggie’s shoulders. He hadn’t made himself comfortable like the others. “You okay?” Arden asked quietly.

  He shouldn’t have had sex with him. He’d known going into it that this wouldn’t pan out. There was no way he could sleep with Oggie without doing damage.

  Oggie said, “Most days I only feel sort of like an unstable piece of shit but it’s really making itself known to me right now. It’s not a feeling I like to sit with either, but since the only available drug seems to be an aphrodisiac, I guess I don’t have a lot of options.”

  “You could talk about it.”

  Oggie shook his head.

  Arden leaned against him. “Or we can go to sleep and worry about it in the morning.”

  “There’s no way I can sleep.”

  “Why not?”

  “I practically strangled you.”

  Arden rested his head on Oggie’s arm. “You’d have to be a lot stronger to strangle me with one hand.”

  “Doesn’t make me feel better.”

  “I love you.”

  Oggie sighed.

  “Unless you don’t want me to. We can pretend it was just the herbs.” That might have ruined Arden, but he’d do it if Oggie wanted.

  “It’s one thing at an orgy. It’s another thing on Eden.”

  “It doesn’t have to be.”

  Oggie snorted.

  “I’m not saying it will be easy! But we can do it.”

  “I don’t know.”

  Arden yawned. “Lay down with me?”

  They lay down.

  Oggie skated a finger over Arden’s throat. “This is going to look awful in the morning.”

  “Yeah, you’re going to need to see a therapist.”

  “You should be pissed.”

  Arden recognized the flaws in his emotional response. “I just want you to touch me.”

  “That’s so fucked up.”

  “I’m really tired of being single.”

  “Arden, fuck,” Oggie said.

  “You feel something about me. Something strong. No one’s ever felt that way about me. Not once. In thirty-six years.”

  “I thought you were thirty-five.

  “I was. Now I’m thirty-six.”

  Oggie lamented, “I missed your birthday.”

  “You had other plans that night,” Arden said. He draped an arm over Oggie’s waist and scooted closed enough to nestle against his chest.

  “If you’d told me it was your birthday…!”

  “Next time,” Arden said. “You didn’t say it back.”

  “This is a really bad idea.”

  “Awful idea.”

  Oggie combed his fingers through Arden’s hair. He kissed the top of his head. “I love you, sugar, and it hurts so much.”

  Arden kissed his chest. “I’ll fix that,” he wanted to say, but it felt arrogant and dismissive. Instead, he said, “I’m sorry.”

  In the morning, every person in the settlement asked a thousand questions.

  At least, Arden felt that way.

  Oggie had gone quiet again.

  Arden was desperate for a shower, which he voiced to the nearest available Terran.

  “A what?”

  “A shower. To clean myself?”

  “Oh. Uh. There should have been a wash bin in the tent.”

  Arden had already availed himself of that and done his best to look presentable. His hair needed a comb like nobody’s business. He’d braided it and pinned it up as best he could. “Oh, right. Slipped my mind I guess.”

  Four more people came up to ask him questions.

  “Come eat,” Holly said.

  He glanced at those who’d approached him.

  “They’ll follow, don’t worry.”

  Over a rather sparse communal breakfast, Arden explained Eden and his offer to bring people there repeatedly.

  Oggie didn’t chime in even once.

  “How do we know it’s even real?” one woman asked.

  Holly said, “Didn’t you see that big thing that landed over there?”

  “The shuttle,” Arden supplied.

  “The shuttle. We all watched them land it.”

  The woman shook her head. “No, I was out foraging. I didn’t see anything.”

  “Everyone can come see,” Arden offered. “I can show you a picture of Eden, too.”

  “A picture,” one woman scoffed. “Anyone can draw a picture.”

  Arden protested, “I didn’t draw it. It’s a photograph.”

  “A what?”

  He spent fifteen minutes trying to explain photographs, and then movies, got nowhere, and said, “Just come to the shuttle. I can show you a movie.”

  The women all exchanged suspicious glances.

  He looked at Holly, who’d become something of a liaison for him.

  “Girls learn early on not to go with strangers who want to show them something,” she explained.

  “Oh.” Arden hadn’t anticipated this level of mistrust.

  “Rapists, kidnappers,” she began to recite, “Cannibals.”

  “Oh, no, that’s alright, I get the picture,” he said before she could say anything else.

  She shrugged.

  “I, uh.” He glanced at Oggie, who’d barely eaten. “You know what, I think we can bring a few things back.”

  “We aren’t going anywhere,” Holly said amiably.

  Arden tapped Oggie’s arm. “Come on, before it gets too hot.” His skin had gone tight and red on the shoulders and arms, which the women assured him was normal enough for someone of his complexion.

  Holly walked out with them and offered Arden her shawl. “Sunburn will get worse, like as not. You’ll want to cover up.”

  “Thanks.” He arranged it to protect his head and shoulders. If he kept his arms tucked in, it would save them, too.

  She shrugged. “I’m interested in all this.” She gestured toward the shuttle in the distance. “You need a hand carrying anything?”

  “I think Oggie and I can handle it.” He wanted a chance to talk without anyone around. In this settlement, someone else was always within earshot.

  Oggie trailed behind Arden as they walked.

  Arden lagged and tried to take his hand. The stiff way Oggie’s hand sat in his reminded him of when he’d touched Mother’s hand to see if she’d passed. “Og, what’s wrong?”

  Oggie shook his head.

  Arden leaned in close and kissed his cheek. “Come on, you can talk to me.”

  “I can’t right now. Please.” Flat. No pouting or whining, no teasing. Just quiet and even.

  “Okay.” Arden let go of his hand.

  The next fifteen minutes of their walk passed in silence.

  Arden headed to the bathroom so he could at least brush his hair.

  What he saw in the small mirror above the sink surprised him.

  Livid bruises on his throat, clearly in the shape of a hand, and small, round ones on his face where Oggie had grabbed him.

  No wonder everyone had been staring at him.

  He touched the marks, stretched his neck so he could see better. A weird smile settled onto his lips.

  He glimpsed Oggie’s face in the mirror, too, watching over his shoulder with the absolute worst expression on his face.

  Oggie ducked away when he realized Arden had seen him.

  Arden followed and caught up with him.

  Oggie had backed himself into a corner and had a cagey look on his face.

  Arden didn’t get too close. He knew that look and how close Oggie was to hysterics. “Can we talk?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  “Well. I mean. There kind of is, Oggie.”

  “What’s there to say! You…you saw what I did to you.”

  Arden smiled and licked his lips. “I did. Can I come over to you?”<
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  “You should stay away from me.”

  Arden came over anyway. He took Oggie’s hand and tugged gently to urge him closer. “I don’t want to.”

  Oggie yanked his hand back and moved away again. “You said it yourself, you know, if we were really a couple, we’d be messy. And everyone on Eden already hates me enough as it is, I don’t need…imagine if your friends could see you!”

  Arden touched his throat, which did hurt. His friends would have had something to say about it for sure and nothing good.

  Winslow would be appalled.

  “Then what do you want to do about it?” Arden asked.

  “I don’t know.”

  Arden watched him with his hands on his hips, thinking. “Listen, if I come over there, are you going to get worked up?”

  “No,” Oggie sulked.

  Arden approached slowly. “Would it be terribly unwelcome if I gave you a hug?”

  “Arden, I really can’t do this!” he protested shakily. “I can’t.”

  Arden touched his arm. If he’d thought Oggie meant it instead of just being frightened, he’d have started crying. He nearly had on the walk over. “Hey. Og. Look at me.”

  Oggie fixed his eyes on Arden. “What?”

  “Don’t tell me if you can’t, alright? Tell me what you want.”

  Oggie swallowed.

  “Go on,” Arden urged. “Even if it’s telling me to never touch you again.”

  “I…” He licked his lips and swallowed. “I want you. I want it to be real. I don’t want to be spare parts. I want people to look at us and think that I’m good for you. I don’t want to worry that you’re going to get sick of me. But I know you will and it’s all going to come apart and your friends all—”

  “Hey.”

  Oggie pressed his lips together.

  “Give me half a chance.”

  Oggie sniffled.

  “If you want to.”

  “In the worst way,” Oggie confessed. “I’m sorry I said you hurt me. It’s not…You haven’t done anything, you know. You’ve been sweet, honestly.”

  Arden waited.

  “But…I don’t know. It hurts so much to want what I can’t have.”

  “I understand what you mean.”

  Oggie rubbed his face.

  “How long do you think it will take for me to get sick of you?”

  “A month.”

  “Og, come on, we’ve been living together for months already.”

  Oggie shook his head. “That’s different.”

  “Okay, alright. A month.” Arden leaned against the wall. “A month is not a long time to convince anyone of anything. How about…how about you give me a month and we’ll revisit this conversation?”

  “And then what?”

  “And I’ll obviously not be sick of you by then, so you can say…”

  “You’ll be sick of me in a week,” Oggie supplied.

  “And in a week, I’ll come to you and say, ‘I’m not sick of you yet’,” Arden said.

  “And I’ll say, ‘give it a day’.”

  “Oggie, by the end of this, you’ll have me telling you on the hour,” Arden pointed out.

  “What if I need that?”

  Arden absorbed the enormity of that question. He couldn’t keep up with a schedule like that. It wasn’t possible, let alone healthy.

  Oggie touched the bruises on Arden’s throat. Gently, with concern and confusion in his eyes, like he wasn’t the one who’d made them.

  Arden took his hand and kissed his fingers. “Did you like hurting me?”

  Oggie flinched from the question. He yanked his hand back.

  “I didn’t mind it, but it was…it was a little too much.”

  “You didn’t mind it.”

  Arden smiled. “I mean, there’s a few details to work out! Like, uh, how hard. When to stop.”

  “Are you fucking with me?”

  Arden shrugged. “No.”

  Oggie sulked, “I hate it when people do things like that to me.”

  “Hmm.” Arden pursed his lips. “You liked doing it to me, though?”

  “I didn’t mean to go that far. I wouldn’t…I…I don’t want to hurt you. Not…Not for real. I just, I…”

  “Need therapy. And we’re going to need a safe word, huh? Or like…a gesture. I couldn’t really breathe.”

  Oggie stared. “You’re frustratingly calm about this.”

  Arden shrugged. “I’ve been trying to keep thousands of people alive for…thirteen years. This is like a little baby problem. I can handle lagging productivity, nefarious plots, unhappy peers, and frustrated workers, so I think I can handle a, uh.” He looked over Oggie. “A guy who needs a little work. Especially cause I think he’ll really be worth it.”

  Oggie shook his head.

  “Not to mention, I’m already in love with you, so we might as well do it. Right?”

  Oggie sighed.

  He prompted, “Right?”

  “Fine.”

  “Just fine?”

  “We can try.”

  Arden grinned. He threw his arms around Oggie. “You’re supposed to say that you’re in love with me, too.”

  “I thought about killing you so I wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore.”

  “Am I that fucking unpleasant to care about?” Arden asked.

  “It’s absolute torture, sugar,” Oggie confessed.

  Arden hugged him tighter. He kissed Oggie’s cheek, then nuzzled against his throat. His head filled up with dozens of ways to make things easier for Oggie. He said, “I don’t want this to be…to be an obligation. Don’t feel like you owe me anything or I’ll make things awful for you if you don’t sleep with me.”

  “I don’t.”

  “I mean it, though. If you…if you feel like you want to leave and you can’t, you always can. I’d rather have you smother me than feel trapped with me.”

  “That’s so grim, sugar,” Oggie whispered.

  “I don’t want to hurt you, either.”

  Oggie didn’t let him go for a while.

  They pulled apart eventually. They scrubbed up in the cramped shower in the shuttle’s bathroom.

  Arden riffled through his clothing to find something lighter and looser. He ended up in baggy gray trousers and a thin tunic, an outfit he usually reserved for walks on the Solar Deck or trips to the more humid farming bays.

  He unscrewed the projector from the wall in the passenger seating area and dug around for the right cables to connect his tablet to the projector in case it wouldn’t connect wirelessly. The projector was several generations older than his tablet, from what he could tell, which wasn’t usually a problem. He took the cables anyways, since they both had standard cable inputs. It wouldn’t do to lug everything there and not be able to use it. He found extra batteries and packed those, too. He didn’t think these people had anything in the way of electricity.

  He wondered about the voice he’d heard on the radio signal. It had been a young voice, and maybe female, and he didn’t think it had belonged to the old men they’d found.

  Maybe those old men had gotten left behind.

  Maybe something bad had happened to the owner of that voice.

  He packed the things he’d gathered into a backpack.

  “Shug?” Oggie called from the doorway between the pilot’s breakroom and the passenger seating area.

  “Careful on the stairs,” Arden warned.

  “Just making sure you’re down here.”

  “Where else would I be?”

  Oggie picked his way down the stairs. He crouched next to Arden. “I don’t know, running away from me.”

  Arden twisted and kissed him. “Nope.”

  Oggie pulled back, evaluated Arden’s face, and made some internal judgment that rearranged his expression into one of acceptance, almost resignation. He leaned in and kissed him.

  Soft, and sad, too. Like a kiss goodbye.

  Arden urged him in closer and did what he could to
change the tenor of the kiss, to make it warmer. He fumbled to move aside the bag he’d packed and pulled him onto his lap.

  No audience this time, no aphrodisiacs, and none of that emotional tension.

  It was nice, having him close like this.

  Arden kissed him over and over. He could do it forever.

  Oggie cupped his face, gently this time. Everything about him had become careful and appreciative.

  It made Arden feel delicate. The most he’d weighed in years, on the floor of an old shuttle, totally sober, and he felt delicate.

  After a while, Oggie whispered, “Didn’t you come down here for something?”

  Arden kissed him one more time. “Yeah.”

  Oggie tucked a few pieces of Arden’s hair behind his ear. “Shouldn’t we get back to our friends in the tents?”

  “If you’re ready to go back.”

  Oggie nodded.

  Arden kissed him again. “Then you should get up.”

  “I’m finding it pretty difficult to leave,” he purred.

  “Yeah?”

  Wiggling a little, he said, “Sugar, you have no idea.”

  “Enlighten me.”

  “My legs are numb from sitting like this, for one—”

  Arden scowled. He tried to stand.

  Oggie pushed him back and gave him another kiss. “And you’re really just so handsome.”

  Arden rolled his eyes.

  Oggie kissed him, then stood. He helped Arden to his feet. “What’s that look on your face?”

  “My looks are not what anyone likes me for. Usually, it’s just money or influence.”

  Oggie skimmed his fingers over Arden’s jaw. “Sugar, you’re to die for.”

  Arden blushed. He stepped away and scooped up the bag he’d packed. “I, uh.”

  “Someone’s told you that before, haven’t they?”

  “Sure, but no one means it.”

  Oggie gestured between himself and Arden. “This makes a lot more sense now.”

  Arden clutched the bag to his chest. “Do you think we should bring some food with us! Doesn’t seem like they have a lot to share and I don’t want to be rude, you know.” He started upstairs.

  Oggie followed. “It would probably be good manners.”

  “I think so. Don’t you think so?” He didn’t know why he’d gotten so nervous all of a sudden. Not over a single compliment and a half-hour of rather tame kissing.

  “Have we got food to spare?”

  “Sure. I mean. We keep this stocked just in case we ever have to leave Eden, you know, if there was an emergency, so there’s rations for like…days.” Arden dragged out the box of dehydrated food.