Penumbra

by Dan Ackerman

  “You said if we were together it wouldn’t be how we pretended it was. Pet and peer.”

  “It isn’t.”

  “It wasn’t on Terra because it couldn’t be. The same social structures didn’t exist. But I just.” Oggie pulled in a nervous breath. “I just. I heard their voices and then your uncle showed up and I just. I can’t. You said it wouldn’t be like that, but you didn’t even…You didn’t even ask or anything.”

  The idea of formally asking Oggie to be his partner had never occurred to him. Weakly, he pointed out, “We agreed to give it a month. You’re supposed to ask if I’m sick of you yet.”

  “Are you?”

  “No.”

  “Give it a week.”

  Arden scooched closer. He put his hand over Oggie’s. “Is that what you want? A commitment?”

  “I…” Oggie sighed. “I don’t know. No one will take me seriously anyway.”

  “I take you seriously. Doesn’t that count?”

  “Arden.”

  “Alright, you’re right, I’m sorry. Do you want to keep living in my rooms?”

  “Yes.”

  “And sleeping together?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’d like things to be…to be a little more romantic than just that. Than just sleeping together. I’d like us to be a couple. Go out together. Share a bed if you want.”

  Oggie agreed, “I could do that.”

  “And we’ll check back in with each other in another month?”

  Oggie nodded.

  Arden kissed his knuckles. “I love you.”

  Oggie nodded again.

  “One down. How about the other nine hundred and ninety-nine?”

  “What?”

  “You said it was a thousand things. What are the other—”

  Oggie pushed him. Playful, not aggressive.

  Arden looped his arms around Oggie and dragged him close. He nuzzled against him. “Tell me what else.”

  Oggie sighed, then launched into an hour-long monologue about everything that could, and he believed would, go wrong.

  Arden couldn’t get a word in edgewise, not to confirm or reassure.

  Eventually, Oggie ran out of possible tragedies to list. He sank further into Arden’s arms and went quiet.

  “I didn’t know you worried so much,” Arden said.

  “I don’t. Usually I don’t give two shits about anything. Or anyone. I mean. Not like that, I’m not a monster. But I haven’t…” Oggie sighed. “I feel so rotten and shriveled inside and you don’t make me feel that way. I don’t like it.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Not your fault I’m fucked up.”

  “Still…”

  Oggie continued, “I hate it and I need it all at the same time. Even when you make me feel something bad at least it’s different than the kind of shitty I usually feel.”

  “Don’t you ever feel good?”

  “Yeah, for about ten seconds when I cum.”

  “Oggie, come on.”

  “Or in that golden glow between drinks three and seven.”

  “Og.”

  Oggie smiled. “And like this. When you hold me. Or when I make you laugh.”

  That made Arden’s stomach flutter.

  “You make me laugh, too, and smile and…” Oggie licked his lips. “And I want to keep that so bad.”

  Arden tightened his arms.

  “Arden!” called Winslow from some distance.

  Oggie attempted to sit up.

  Arden kept him close. “Should I say something?” he asked quietly.

  “He’s going to keep looking,” Oggie said.

  “I’d like you to meet him.”

  “I’ve met him. He lived right next to my mother,” Oggie reminded. “He always had candy…”

  “He’s my only real family.”

  “Arden! You awful thing, where are you!” Winslow called, closer now.

  “Please.” Arden nosed Oggie’s throat. “Pretty please.”

  “Fine.”

  Arden rolled away from him to poke his head out of the alcove. “Over here, Winnie!”

  The old man swiveled toward Arden’s voice. “What in the world are you doing over there?”

  “Come here!”

  Winslow made his way over. He put his hands on his hips and frowned at them on the floor. “What is this, some kind of love nest?”

  “I’m not that desperate,” Arden said. “Come sit.”

  “I’m much too old to sit on the floor!” Winslow scolded.

  Arden patted the top of a storage crate.

  Winslow sat but he took his time about it. “What are you doing?”

  “Talking. I know you two already are acquainted but uh, Oggie, Winnie. Winnie, Oggie,” Arden said.

  Oggie gave a small wave but didn’t look at Winslow.

  Winslow looked at the blanket and pillow, the question written on his face.

  Arden asked, “Did you need something? Or did you just want to say hi?”

  “No one could find you. You made us worry.”

  Arden made himself smile.

  “Always making someone worry about you,” his uncle scolded.

  “Win! How long are you going to stay mad at me for?”

  His uncle huffed.

  Oggie fidgeted.

  Arden took his hand.

  Winslow stared at their linked fingers.

  Arden studied his uncle, trying to read his face, daring him to say something. “How’s your month been? And don’t give me anything about worrying or sleepless nights. I’m asking about your social life.”

  “I suppose once things settled, everything went more or less back to normal.”

  “How bad was it?”

  “It would have been smoother if you hadn’t taken off.”

  Arden shrugged. “Am I going back to a warzone?”

  “You know I don’t follow those things,” Winslow said. “Although.”

  “Hmm?”

  “That Keats boy and his friends are displeased.”

  Arden grunted. Bull. He’d hoped not to hear from him again.

  Winslow looked between Arden and Oggie on the floor again. “What are you two doing over here?”

  “Talking, I told you already. Nowhere is exactly private in here,” Arden said.

  Oggie tugged his hand back. “I, uh. Your Eminence. I need to…I’ll. May I be excused?”

  “Of course.”

  Oggie scrambled to his feet.

  Winslow frowned at Arden. “What are you doing to that boy?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Arden, it isn’t my business to tell you this but the way that boy grew up—”

  “I know.”

  “He’s frightened of you. Can’t you see that?”

  Arden swallowed. “I think it’s you, actually.”

  “Me? What have I done?”

  Arden smoothed the seam of his pants. He sighed and debated what to say. “Nothing personally, I’m sure. He’s right to worry, though. No one will make it easy for us.”

  “I don’t follow.”

  “Being in a relationship,” Arden clarified. “He’s a worker. I’m…Well. I’m Autarch. And there was his business with Morris. It’s unsteady ground we’re on. Has a peer ever publicly taken a worker as a partner? Not a pet, or a tryst. A publicly recognized partner.”

  “Not to my knowledge.”

  “Then you understand.”

  Winslow fiddled with a candy wrapper. “No, Arden. I don’t.”

  Arden sat up straighter.

  “I don’t understand what you’re doing at all. Not with that boy, not with the space station…” The candy wrapper slipped from his fingers. “I’m worried.”

  Arden picked up the wrapper and offered it to his uncle. Winslow didn’t take it, so Arden slipped it into his pocket. “Do you think I’m doing the wrong thing?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “Oh.” He stood up. “Did you get breakfast? Holly said it went fast.” />
  “No.”

  “Let’s see about that.”

  Winslow didn’t stand right away.

  Arden turned to look at him. “Win, are you coming?”

  “I tell you I’m worried and that’s all you can say?” Winslow asked.

  Arden crouched beside him. He put his hand over his uncle’s, too aware of the papery texture of his skin, the thinness of his hair, the veins around his eyes. He didn’t have many years left. Not more than twenty, which felt like absolutely nothing when Arden thought about how long he’d have to live without Winslow.

  Without a single real family member. His grandparents had all passed, and he didn’t love any of Mother’s family the way he loved Winslow. His cousins ranged from awful to boring with a few exceptions.

  “I’ve never given you any reason to believe in me but I’m going to ask you to do it anyway, Winnie. I am trying my best and I am trying to do what I think is right. I…” Arden drew in a breath. “I inherited so much and not all of it is nice. If I tell you I think what I’m doing is the right thing to do, do you believe me?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I guess first you’d have to believe I want to do the right thing.” He tightened his grip on Winslow’s hand. “It’s a big thing to ask.”

  “Be a good boy.”

  “I’m trying,” he promised.

  A good boy.

  Sometimes he wondered if Winslow knew that Arden wasn’t twenty-three anymore.

  He kept a hold of Winslow’s hand as he stood.

  They went to find him breakfast.

  “He looks like his mother,” Winslow noted as they watched Oggie and Holly.

  The women who’d been so interested in Oggie now gave him cold looks.

  “Hmmm?”

  “Lighter, of course, both of them. From their father…Nolie tried to keep it under wraps, but we saw him sneaking out in the morning. But tan like that? He looks just like Nolie,” Winslow shared. “I did always wonder what had happened to them once the parents broke things off. It doesn’t seem like things have gotten much better.”

  “Well, fuck, Win, I am nice to him. Is there some kind of rumor going around about how I treat my boyfriends?”

  “I always thought…”

  “What?” Arden prompted.

  “I always thought keeping a pet was a little tasteless.”

  “He’s not my pet.”

  “No, but that trial made it pretty clear he’d done it for other people.”

  Arden sighed and returned to watching Oggie.

  Oggie noticed after a while and returned his gaze, one eyebrow raised. “What?” he mouthed.

  Arden shook his head.

  “He is a handsome young man. I see why you picked him.”

  Arden had to say, “I didn’t pick him.”

  Oggie came over. “You stare at someone like that and a fellow starts to get ideas.”

  “Deepest apologies, Mr. Nielsen.”

  “I suppose I could forgive you.”

  Oggie looked steadier than he had when he’d fled.

  Arden gestured for him to sit. “Tell Winnie I didn’t pick you.”

  “No, Morris picked me.”

  Arden blanched.

  Oggie grinned at him. He took Arden’s hand, then looked at Winslow and thought better of it. “But really, if Mara hadn’t decked that girl, I don’t think you ever would have noticed me. You only looked at your drinks unless she was talking to you.”

  “I do genuinely like her.”

  “She hates you.”

  “She hates everyone.”

  Oggie shrugged. “True enough. Including me, I guess, since she hasn’t shown up to make sure I’m alive.”

  Winslow cleared his throat.

  “What?”

  “I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news…”

  Oggie’s face went ashen. “What happened to her?”

  “She…She did seem to think something untoward had happened to you. No one believed that you two had taken a shuttle. Quite a few rumors flew. Awful things, I won’t repeat them,” Winslow said. “She took it quite hard and…made a nuisance of herself for the Chamberlain and Council. She’s been confined to quarters since.”

  Oggie breathed, “Oh, she’s probably ripped her hair out by now.” Some color had come back to his face.

  “They actually confined her to your quarters, given that they were empty,” Winslow told Arden.

  Arden couldn’t imagine she’d taken that in stride. “She’s alright, though?”

  Winslow nodded. “As far as I know.”

  Arden told Oggie, “I’m sure she’s alright.”

  “She’s always alright. Strong Nielsen trait, being alright.”

  Arden took his hand.

  Oggie stared at their linked fingers, sneaking glances toward Winslow.

  Winslow lightly cleared his throat and addressed Oggie, “So I hear you two had quite the adventure on Terra. Something about a building full of books?”

  “We only found one we could read,” Oggie said then realized Winslow wanted more. He told the story in more detail, his face polite and his eyes empty. He perked up a little when Winslow asked what the book was about.

  Oggie had devoured it in a few days and had refused to tell Arden how it ended.

  The two fell into a conversation about books. Oggie carried himself well throughout the conversation and by the end of it, he had Winslow chuckling and telling stories about all the times he’d snuck out under the guise of going to a book club.

  Arden really liked this story.

  Winslow told it like he’d done something salacious instead of just sneaking on to the Solar Deck to read.

  Oggie had the good grace to act like Winslow’s story shocked him. “Weren’t you worried about getting caught?”

  “Oh, no, I never worried about anything when I had Marcus with me.”

  “Marcus sounds like a catch.”

  “He was a very good friend to me.”

  Without looking at Arden, Oggie’s fingers tightened.

  After a little while longer, Winslow excused himself for a nap.

  Oggie’s eyes followed him as he walked away. “I was supposed to live that life. Naps and books all day long?”

  “You can do whatever you want.”

  “Stop saying that.”

  “You can.”

  “I have a job…Maybe. Who knows, actually? I either have a job or need to find a new job.”

  “Only if you want to.”

  Oggie scowled.

  Arden scooted closer and rested his chin on Oggie’s shoulder. He held off on making any promises. “What if you took a little time off?”

  “I’ve taken loads of time off between the trial and Terra.”

  “Just to sort out a few things. Settle in. Ease back into working.”

  “Is that what you plan on doing? Ease back into being King of Space?”

  “What if I left Rhys in charge? What if I did nothing all day? Not a care between the two of us…”

  “You’d get sick of me even faster.”

  Arden pecked his cheek. “I can think of dozens of things to do.”

  “They better not be different positions cause that’s still all one thing.”

  “You’re so suspicious, Oggie.”

  “There are only two reasons people keep me around.”

  “I kept you around for months without having sex,” Arden reminded. “And I’m allergic to the drugs you deal.”

  Oggie didn’t accept or reject the point he’d made. He went still and quiet for a while. Finally, he murmured, “I’ve dealt other drugs. I can probably get you whatever you want.”

  Arden kissed his temple. He meant to offer comfort, but as the words came out, he knew they sounded cruel. “There’s nothing you can give me that I can’t get from anyone.”

  Oggie started to stand.

  Arden put a hand on his arm. “Hang on, wait, I didn’t mean it like—”

  “I
t doesn’t matter how you meant it. It matters that it's true.”

  “Wait.”

  Oggie shook his head. He retreated to the shuttle.

  Arden watched him go, then headed in the opposite direction. He made a nuisance of himself in the lab and the kitchen. He didn’t help any of the various processes in either location but stayed there anyway.

  Maggie tolerated him better than Kile.

  After dinner, Rhys called him over to the bay window. He stood alone in the operation room.

  Arden got so close to the window he probably left marks on it. He wanted to jump through the glass and grab the other man. Instead, he demanded, “What happened to your face?”

  Rhys’s fingers found a shiny, pink scar on his cheekbone. “Mara didn’t like my answers about where she could look for her brother if she didn’t believe he’d gone to Terra One.”

  Arden touched the glass.

  Rhys lined up his fingers with Arden’s. “I’m so mad at you.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I can’t believe you took off like that.”

  “Don’t yell at me, I’ll cry.”

  “You look really good.”

  A few hot tears slid down Arden’s cheeks. “Can’t do body checks when the only mirror is the size of your face.” He felt immediately ashamed of himself.

  Rhys stared at him, his hand pressed flat against the window. “Hang on, I’m going to come in there.”

  “No!” Arden said, too loud. “No, no, don’t you fucking dare.”

  “Then stop crying.”

  “I’m not crying.” Arden scrubbed his face dry. “What would Darcy do if you were trapped in here with us?”

  Rhys let out a hard breath through his nose.

  “How’s Eden?”

  “It’s a shit show. People thought you were dead.”

  “I’m really sorry.” He wiped his face again. He let a slow, controlled breath through his nose.

  “I…” Rhys swallowed hard. “I can’t do this, I can’t, what the fuck, Arden? I’ll come back when I can see you. I mean. When I can…I.”

  Arden nodded. He understood. “Soon.”

  “Soon,” Rhys agreed.

  “Say hi to Darcy.”

  Rhys walked out of the room.

  Arden sat down and pressed his back to the wall. He hugged his knees tight to his chest and couldn’t let go. He couldn’t cry, either. He had nowhere to hide and couldn’t lose his shit in front of over a hundred people.

  He made himself stand.

  He had to keep it together.