Tales From the Midnight Shift Vol. 1
Page 19
I’m no amateur! I’m the biggest Bryant fan you’re likely to encounter. Other than this collection, I own three copies of every book he’s ever put out—one to read, one to loan out, and one to sit on my shelf untouched and pristine. I have methodically sought out a copy of every anthology that features a Bryant story and added them to my collection. I worship at the altar of the man’s talent like no one else. If I hadn’t lost my job, I’d have a lot more to offer, but this is the best I can do under the circumstances.
Author: TrollGod99
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:12:59 PM
Wow, impressive. You sure do own a lot of Ken Bryant books. And yet you don’t own a copy of Nails on a Chalkboard. I’ll be sure to tell you what it’s like when I get mine from Mischief1.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:18:04 PM
Okay, 100 bucks. I’ll have to go without getting groceries this week, but a little starving is worth it.
Author: TrollGod99
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:24:20 PM
Going without groceries, huh? I’m beginning to realize just how much owning this book means to you, so the gracious thing for me to do would be to step aside.
SCREW THAT! $125.
Author: Tiny_Dancer
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:27:44 PM
I want to throw my hat into the ring, as it were. A hundred fifty dollars, Mischief1.
Author TrollGod99
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:31:01 PM
$200.
Author: Tiny_Dancer
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:35:30 PM
Too rich for my blood. My wife would kill me if I spent over two hundred dollars on a book.
Author: TrollGod99
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:38:29 PM
Oh, and does your wife wear your nuts as earrings too?
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:40:46 PM
Okay, I can cancel my cable and downgrade my cell phone plan, and then I think I can scrounge up 250 bucks.
Author: TrollGod99
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:43:56 PM
$251.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:45:16 PM
You asshole! Now you’re just being mean.
Author: Viper1986
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:49:48 PM
Nails on a Chalkboard is like the holy grail for us Bryant fans. Like GoryHole, I’ve been searching for a copy for years. Mischeif1, I’ll pay $300 and throw in my rare, signed hardcover of Tara Prophet’s Apocalypse How? That thing typically goes for almost $200 itself.
Author: Kbryant
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 8:58:07 PM
Hey guys, I had to weigh in on this issue since it is my book that has caused this bidding war. While I am flattered that you guys are willing to pay so much for my work, I have to say that I’m not sure it’s worth it. To be honest, there was a reason I couldn’t get any publishers interested in those early stories. They are raw and sloppy and derivative. Most of them were written before I was 20 years old, and I had yet to really develop my voice as a writer. I look back on those stories now with more embarrassment than anything. That’s why I didn’t bother to reprint any of them in my collection Hauntings that came out two years ago. So while it goes against everything a writer is supposed to do, my advise is: save your money!
Author: Tiny_Dancer
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:04:45 PM
Well, every writer is his or her own worst critic. Those of us who love your work know that even your weakest stuff is better than most of the crap polluting the market these days. That’s why I’m willing to make a deal. Since Viper1986 has opened the door for bartering, I want to offer two hundred dollars and a signed first edition of Clint Boxford‘s debut novel Sarah‘s Torment.
Author: Viper 1989
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:08:09 PM
Okay, Dancer, you want to play hardball? $300, my signed edition of Apocalypse How?, and a sealed copy of the premier issue of the now defunct magazine Night Howls, containing stories by King, Barker, McCammon, Lansdale, and Bryant himself.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:14:45 PM
God damn it, no one loves Bryant like I do! There’s no way I’m letting this book slip through my fingers. I have a friend who offered to buy my jalopy of a car for 1000 bucks, and I guess it’s time I took him up on it. Okay, so I won’t have a way to get around town, thus slowing down the job hunt, but a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So 1000 bucks! Top that!
Author: Tiny_Dancer
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:20:22 PM
Okay, so the Mrs. is expecting and she opened a savings account that she hopes will become the kid’s college fund and put two thousand dollars in it. The way I see it, the kid’s not even born yet and won’t need that money any time soon; besides, I’m not even sure it’s mine. So I’ll withdraw the dough and offer two thousand dollars in addition to my signed first edition of Sarah‘s Torment.
Author: Kbryant
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:26:15 PM
You people can’t be serious. Two thousand dollars for a collection I had to pay out of my own pocket to have published in the first place? That is beyond insane. You all seem to be caught up in some kind of obsessive bidding frenzy, but you need to stop and really think about what you’re doing.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:29:58 PM
There’s nothing to think about, I must have that book! I’ll be late on my house payment this month and sell my TV and stereo, and I should be able to get together 2000 bucks myself. Now I don’t have anything to trade to sweeten the deal, but the fact that I’m sacrificing so much must count for something.
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:33:24 PM
Sacrifice counts for a lot. That’s the kind of thing I’m looking for, even more than money—personal sacrifice.
Author: TrollGod99
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:35:41 PM
Personal sacrifice, huh? In that case, I’d give my left nut for the book. ; )
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:39:14 PM
That’s the spirit, Troll. This definitely puts you in the lead.
Author: TrollGod99
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:43:38 PM
lol
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:45:25 PM
This is not a joke. The man who would give of his own flesh for this book is the fan who is truly most worthy of it.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:50:01 PM
So that’s what it will take to get the book? Fine, I will give the thumb and pinkie finger from my left hand. I will chop them off myself and ship them to you, if that is what you require.
Author: TrollGod69
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 9:56:57 PM
Well, you want the thing more then I do, Gory. I’m bowing out. Take it, it’s yours.
Author: Viper1989
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:01:34 PM
Not so fast, this thing isn’t over yet. GoryHole claims to be the biggest Bryant
fan out there, but I know that to be a lie because I am the biggest Bryant fan out there. I’ll see his thumb and pinkie finger and raise a ring finger as well.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:07:52 PM
If that’s how you want to play it, take my whole fucking left hand! I’m a rightie, I can learn to adapt to life without my left paw.
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:10:35 PM
Now the bidding is getting interesting. Anyone think they can compete with GoryHole’s offer of his left hand?
Author: HotLips2008
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:17:41 PM
You know, a lot of critics assume that Bryant’s fan base is almost exclusively male, but I am a woman who can’t get enough of his stuff. The darkness of his work, the violence and depravity of it, it turns me on like nothing else. I’d love to read his early work while fingering myself. So I propose this to Mischief1: if you give me the book, I’ll come to wherever you are at my own expense and let you do whatever you want to my body for as long as you want, nothing too nasty or extreme. And if I’m not the kind of thing you’re into, I extend the same offer but with my boyfriend.
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:25:40 PM
The sexual act itself holds no appeal for me, but if you wanted to offer me your boyfriend’s cock and balls on a platter, that might peak my interest.
Author: HotLips2008
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:27:38 PM
You got ‘em.
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:30:24 PM
Don’t you think you should check with the boyfriend first?
Author: HotLips2008
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:32:27 PM
No need, I’ll deliver. If he won’t give up his junk willingly…well, he has to sleep sometime.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:36:48 PM
No way in hell I’m going to let some cunt swoop in out of nowhere and claim the prize that should rightfully be mine. I’ll give my entire left arm for Nails on a Chalkboard. I’m not talking any “up to the elbow” shit, but the ENTIRE ARM!
Author: Tiny_Dancer
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:40:32 PM
Damn, I can’t just sit by on the sidelines, I need to get in on this action. I deserve the book just as much as any of the rest of these jokers, and I have something to offer that none of them can. My kid, I’ll give you my kid, Mischief1. And you don’t have to wait until it’s born, either. I’ll slit my wife open right fuckin’ now and rip that thing out of her. That’s how much I want the damn collection.
Author: Kbryant
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:45:28 PM
Okay, this isn’t funny anymore! You people are sick, and I’m not the least bit amused by this sort of thing. You’re obviously all a bunch of adolescents who think it’s the height of humor to tie cans to a cat’s tail and watch it run around. Well, you’re done using my message board as your playground for this kind of disgusting game. It ends NOW!
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:48:43 PM
And what makes you think you have any say in this? People want the book, and they are willing to do most anything for it. The only question now is who will make the biggest sacrifice to obtain what they want? Our last bid was for a fetus…do I hear any other bids?
Author: Viper1989
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:51:10 PM
My grandmother. She’s been staying with me so I can care for her, but I’ll smother her with a pillow if that’s what you want. Just say the word, the book in exchange for my grandmother’s life. Seems a fair trade to me.
Author: HotLips2008
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 10:56:53 PM
Who wants a smelly old grandma? She’s probably half dead as it is, no big sacrifice killing her when she’s already at death’s door. I’ll kill my boyfriend for you, slit his throat while we’re fucking. He’s young and healthy, a whole full life ahead of him that I’ll be snuffing out. Now that’s sacrifice.
Author: Tiny_Dancer
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:00:07 PM
Fuck you people, I can go one further. I’ll strangle my wife, she’s in the living room right now watching Grey’s Anatomy. I’ll march right in there and wrap my hands around her throat and squeeze ‘til her face turns blue and her bloated tongue pops out like a goddamn groundhog looking for its shadow. What with the baby and all, that’s a two-for-one special.
Author: Kbryant
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:04:53 PM
I’m serious, people. This shit has gone on long enough! If you guys are truly fans of mine then you’ll respect my wishes and cease this madness right this second!
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:10:36 PM
Sorry, Writer Man, but this is bigger than you now.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:12:40 PM
Look, there are two little girls that live next door to me, twins. I’ll mutilate their little bodies, Mischief1. I’ll even do things to them before I kill them if you want me to. Just GIVE ME THAT FUCKING BOOK!
Author: Viper1989
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:16:33 PM
I’ll rape my grandmother and kill her. Can probably accomplish the latter with the former. The shock and pain of having her beloved grandson violating her in that way will more than likely cause her to have a heart attack. But if she dies partway through, I’ll keep going until I blow my load. I’ll even videotape it as proof that I made payment.
Author: Tiny_Dancer
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:19:42 PM
I’ll tie my wife down, cut the baby out of her, then force her to eat it before stabbing her to death.
Author: HotLips2008
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:24:36 PM
There is this kindly priest in my neighborhood that is always trying to “save” me and my boyfriend. I’ll nail him up to this big tree behind the church and stab him repeatedly in the side with a fireplace poker, torture him and make him renounce God before finally killing him.
Author: Viper1989
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:35:56 PM
Okay, my final offer. I’ll strip my grandmother naked, bend her over a barstool, and beat her with a belt like she did to me when I was naughty as a child. I’ll beat her until her skin flays off, leaving a bloody mess like raw hamburger meat. Then I’ll force her to take me in her mouth until I nut. Then I’ll take the ceramic ashtray I made her when I was eight years old—a thing she still cherishes to this day—and beat her in the head with it until her skull caves in. That’s the best I can do. If anyone else can do more, I’ll have to concede defeat.
Author: Tiny_Dancer
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:39:45 PM
How about this? I’ll slip my wife some acid, and when she’s really flying I’ll convince her that she has an alien parasite living in her gut and watch as she carves herself up to get the baby out. Then I’ll let her come down enough to truly realize what she’s done. After that, it shouldn’t be too hard to convince her to kill herself. The beauty of this scenario is that I orchestrate the whole thing but don’t have to lift a fucking finger myself.
Author: Mischief1
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:43:35 PM
Now that’s innovation, Dancer. I like how you think. Anyone want to counter that bid?
Author: HotLips2008
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:48:26 PM
Not me. Dancer has more to offer than me, I’m sorry to say. I’m out.
Author: Kbryant
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:52:53 PM
That’s it, you people have left me no choice. I’m going to be shutting down this message board. I hate to do it, I love having this outlet to hear from my fans and communicate with them, but you all have abused the privilege in a way that is most heinous. So kiss this board goodbye. I’ll be contacting the administrator that runs it for me and have him remove it from my site altogether.
Author: GoryHole
Re: Rare Collection
Posted on June 02, 11:57:53 PM
I think I have the show-stopping bid right here. Mischief1, you say you want sacrifice…well, I have a sacrifice to offer you. You know how much I love Ken Bryant, how much I idolize his work. Getting a new Bryant book is orgasmic for me, and the idea of never having another new work by him to look forward to is almost too much for me to bear. But I offer this: I will kill Ken Bryant. My favorite author, the man whose books have captivated me for years…I will end his life and thus ensure that I’ll never have another novel, short story, essay, or poem to read by this literary genius. And not just kill him, I will torture him. Start by chopping off his fingers one by one, then bash his teeth in and cut out his tongue so I don’t have to hear him scream and beg. I’ll castrate him and scoop his eyes out before finally slitting his throat. This I will do in exchange for your copy of Nails on a Chalkboard.