Mr. Scraggs

by Henry Wallace Phillips

  VI

  MR. SCRAGGS INTERVENES

  "There was a man," said Mr. Scraggs, "who said, 'Deliver me from myfriends.' Now, I ain't goin' so far as to say I indorse thatstatement, nor I ain't standin' still so strong as to say I don't.But I know this: An enemy will do something for you every time,whilest most friends won't, and, moreover, I ain't ever had anyenemy who furnished me with as much light entertainment as myfriend Pete.

  "I am speakin' from this here point of view. The real joyousnessof life consists of being busy. We won't take no vote on thesubjeck; we'll just admit it. Hence an enemy, that is an enemy,when you be in good health and able for to look after the enemypart from your side, is a great source of innercent amusement. Aman gets so durn practical, he don't take no interest in all thepleasant rocks and bushes strewed over the country by thebeneficent hand of Providence. He shacks along on his little oldcayuse, with his mind occupied on how many things he can't do next,and he gits plumb disgusted. But suppose there's a chance of anable-bodied enemy, aided and abetted with a gun, a-hidin' behindeach and every one of them rocks and bushes? Don't life take on aninterest? I bet you money! The imaginations of that man's mindgets started up. Life becomes full of chances. The man, he'sinterested in his life because the other feller wants to take itaway from him. A good enemy in a lonesome country means more tothat man than her best friend's widower means to a maiden aunt.You bet.

  "Red and me differs there, I know, but his idees gets siftedthrough that crop of red alfalfa he wears, whilest I present aclean proposition to any idee that comes boundin' o'er the lee, orto wind'ard, or any direction she chooses to bound. Yessir; when Ibegin to feel that life ain't worth livin' give me an enemy or afriend like Pete Douglass.

  "It ain't for me to poke no fun at Pete's looks. There's a placewhere a humarious turn of mind orter stop. Pete's looks was tooserious for any man to get comic about. It appeared as if hisfeatures had been blowed on to his face by a gale of wind; hiswhiskers had a horrified expression, like they'd made their escapeif they hadn't been fastened on, and he was double-jointed in everypoint of the compass. When he stood up straight he give you morethe impression of sittin' down then a man sick a-bed could. Idunno how it come, but everything old Pete looked like, seemedprecisely the reverse.

  "The way I got acquainted with Pete was when he put his hard coinagin a French tin-horn's race-track game. There was little horsesrunning around a board, and you put your money where you thought itwould win, but you never thought right, because the Dago had astick under the table that pulled them races to suit his fancy.

  "It stood to reason that taking money off'n a man who'd play such agame was inhumanity in the first degree, so when Pete's last dollardeparted I entered that horse-race with a gun, just as I had nobusiness to, and I says to the tin-horn, 'Look-a-here, you put thatmoney across the board, or I'll play a tune on you,' and so heshouldn't think I was interferin' out of an idle curiosity, Ipointed the weapon at him.

  "'O-rrr righ'!' says he; 'Tooty-sweet.' I lost a good deal ofpatience on the spot. You see, it seemed like he was tryin' to beentertaining. I say, by way of an amoosin' remark, that I'm goin'to play a tune on that tin-horn, and he gayly tells me to tootsweet! Well, I don't want to harrow your feelin's. Anyway, Petegot his money and Frenchy returned to the land where his style ofremarks was more appreciated, a little later.

  "So Pete, he grasps my hand with tears in his eyes and considerableblood on his nose, where I'd accidently hit him with the Dago, andhe says I'm his friend forever, and he'll show me what friendshipreally means. That's why I'm inclined to say that for rest andrecreation I'll take an enemy. Whether our friend and brother, Mr.Douglass, was the luckiest or unluckiest man on earth, I've neverbeen able to figger out. He personally explored the bottom ofevery old prospeck hole in the country. He was romantic bydisposition, Pete was, and loved to go for walks at night. If hedidn't turn up for breakfast I took down the coil of rope andproceeded until I found the right hole, because you could bet assafe that he was at the bottom of one of 'em as you could that thebottom itself was there.

  "When I asked him, 'How come you to do it, Pete?' he allusanswered, 'I dunno; I got to thinkin' about somethin'.' Ifanything valooable had occurred to Pete, whilest he was in one ofthem thinking spells, he'd have been one of these here geniuses.

  "When a saw mill sent a slab sailin', or bust a belt, Pete was atthe center of the disturbed districk. He fell off every foot login ten miles; why, he was drowned fourteen times in three weeks!

  "The bar we was workin' had a tunnel about a hundred foot long.Follerin' the pay streak made us turn at right angles, so it wasdark back there. One day Mr. Pete was pushin' the car whilest Igot dinner and his candle burned out. He takes a stick of giantpowder, puts cap and fuse on it, lights it careful, jabs it in aframe for a candle, and trots for outdoors with the car--neverknowin' anything onusual had took place. Just as I slapped thelast flapjack and straightened up to yell, 'Come and get it!' herecome Pete and the car like magic right acrosst the creek, followedby the most dust I ever see in my life.

  "I watched him end-over-ending as he come, and I couldn't get nearenough to the happenings to even wonder why.

  "He landed on top of a quakin' asp and the car rolled over thedinner.

  "I ain't declarin' that I was perfectly reasonable; I wassurprised. When I was young and soople I've done twenty-odd footin a running jump, but to see a man jump two hundred foot and carrya hand-car along with him was a branch of sport new to me, andperticler when done by a man like Pete.

  "'Why,' says I, as I climb the tree and helped him down, 'howeverdid you come to do it?'

  "'I dunno, Zeke,' says he, 'honest to Gosh'--Pete never used acuss-word--'honest to Gosh,' says he; 'I dunno. The last Iremember was thinkin' why this here law of gravitation couldn't bemade to work as a man wanted it, when "bump" says somethin' behindme, and I went right along, as you see. I tried to figger it out,comin', but turning handsprings made me dizzy.'

  "These are points to show life as lived by my friend Pete Douglass.His autogeography would be plumb full of happenin's. At firstsight, lookin' careless, you'd say, 'Why, here's the mostunforchinit cuss I ever heard about,' but on a sober thought, to aman accustomed to havin' sober thoughts, it seemed as if there wasluck in the bank, to pull through such performances and live totell the tale.

  "I mentioned this idee to Pete.

  "'Why'' says he, 'I should holler horray every time I'm mostkilled,' he says. 'Is that what you mean?'

  "'Look-a-here,' says I, 'I'm able to mean all I'm capable ofmeanin' without any outside help. I mean you're the great humanparadox--less human and more paradox then I've seen advertised at acircus--and whilest you're perpetual dodging one horn or t'other ofa dilemma, any friend of yours is getting bunked square between thetwo. If anything 'ud keep a man from being selfish, you would,'says I. 'D----d if I ain't spent two-thirds of my time and drawedsome on the last, fishin' you out of messes. Now,' I says to him,'why don't you get married and settle up?'

  "Dear friends and brothers, that was just a piece of pursyflage. Iknow women better than any man I ever met that I felt knew less.I've seen wimmen so foolish I wouldn't believe anything morefoolish could exist, if it hadn't a-been I'd seen still morefoolish wimmen with these same eyes. But a woman who'd marry Petewas beyond my expectations. It took a lady with a turblebrain-power and a deliberate intention to arrive at that state ofmind; so when Pete says to me, 'That's just what I be goin' to do,Zeke,' he had me swallowing my breath.

  "I gathered my fadin' strength and gained perticlers.

  "Seems there was a lady 'bout thirty or forty years older than sheoncet had been, who did plain washin' for the Royal Soverign Princeboys. The R. S. P. mine was run rather irregular. The boys tookthe clean-ups for wages, and the owner took the proceeds from stockhe sold as dividends. I may mention there was less in clean-upsthan there was in stock, so the future Mrs. P. Douglass was buckin'fate in the shape of a brac
e game. They was an awful nice set ofboys, the Royal Soverign Princes, but when you divide thirtydollars and fifty cents amongst fifteen men for a month's wages,the washer-lady can't expect city prices.

  "Pete had gained a holt on this lady's affections by falling intothe flume and allowin' himself to be piped over the waste-gate.She took care of him for three weeks, at the end of which time Petearose, renewed, refreshed, and more full of determined uselessnessthan ever. Any woman will love any man that bothers her enough. Aman's idee of romance is to do what he wants to, or to becomfortable; a woman's idee of romance is to feel that she'sobliged to do what she really wants to do, under such circumstancesas will allow her to call it a great sackerfice, or to be madeuncomfortable, which is her real notion of comfort. You have onlyto look at a woman's housekeepin' to reelize the restfulness shefinds in keepin' things disturbed all the time. I have looked uponthe housekeepin' of enough Mrs. Scraggses to be able to speak withthe v'ice of experience, if not the v'ice of wisdom.

  "So Mrs. Maggy Watson, the lady of which I heretofore speak, becomeunamored of Pete during the time he was such a pesky nuisancearound the place, an' when he writ her, later, that he thoughtthey'd orter form a close corporation an' issue the holy bonds ofmatrimony, why, she writ him straight back again that the schemehad been in her mind for some time, and she'd 'a' mentioned it tohim only it seemed like meddlin' in his personal affairs.

  "First off, it seems a-kind of unjustitude that a man like meshould have a load of Mrs. Scraggses forced on him, whilest a manlike Pete gets the kindest and obliginest sort of woman; but afterall, I was able to take care of myself, and that bunch of wildcats, too, for a while, and Pete certainly needed a lady with agood disposition. You'll allus find, on investigatin' things, thatthey ain't a mite worse than you thought they was. Mighty often itis the horny-handed foot of misfortune that kicks a man into thegreen pastures of prosperity--the only question is: kin he eatgrass?

  "So it come about with Pete, all along the line. He'd gone and gotmarried so ordinary it wouldn't attracted nobuddy's attention, onlyhe was so overjoyed to find that I took sides with him that hesasshayed gayly forth for firewood and cut himself in the small ofthe back with the ax. Don't ask me how he done it, It's the onlycase on record. Pete was thinkin' of somethin' at the time, andcould only remember a sudden pain in the back. So Pete was laid onthe bed of sufferin' oncet more, him bein' so uset to it he took itwithout a holler, only this time he thought it was prutty serious.

  "'Zeke,' says he, 'I've come to the cash-up so frequent I dunnojust what's about to happen, but if it should be I was goin' to diefor fair this time, I want Maggy to git my money, and I want you totake it to her.'

  "'All right, Pete, I will,' says I.

  "'Shack along, then,' says he.

  "Pete mixed me some. 'I ain't goin' to leave you like this,' Isays.

  "'Yes, you be, too,' he says, sassy as thunder. 'The only time Ikin git what I want is when I'm sick a-bed. I ain't goin' to resthappy nor do nothin'--not eat nor drink--till I know that woman hasthe chink. I can't say I've made a great job of livin', but I'mgoin' to die like a house a-fire, if so the play comes that way,'he says. 'You put a little grub and water nigh me, and I'll justfigger on being a full-sized man for oncet; you don't understandwhat a power of good it does me to think about it,' says he.

  "Well, he had me to a standstill. It was cussed to leave a hurtman all alone, but I could easy appreciate the way he felt. If aman can't take no pride in himself the hull blamed business comesdown to shovelin' dirt for nothin'.

  "'Pete, I'll do it,' I says, and I shook hands with him.

  "'Now, see that!' says he. 'That's the first time you've evertreated me like an ekal, Zeke; and I can tell you I don't like tobe pitied no more'n any other man. God knows there wouldn't 'a'been a perter monkey in the bunch, if so it hadn't come I wasscart, or thinkin' of somethin' else, when a hot-box arrived. Thegood Lord took the trouble to make me, and it seems kind ofonjustifiable for me to prove He plumb wasted His time. You tellMaggy I done it for her. I ain't hidin' my light under a bushel,because I need it to see by. Ouch!' says he. 'This racket hurts!'

  "I reckon it did. I sewed him up with a piece of deer-sinew and adarning-needle. Never was a great hand at tailorin', nohow, andPete's hide was that tough I mostly had to pound the needle throughwith a chunk of wood.

  "Well, I fixed him comfortable as I could, and prepared to start.

  "'Zeke,' says he, 'don't'--he kinder swallered hard--'don't be nolonger'n you kin help,' says he. There come a tear in his eye.'An' take my respects to Maggy,' says he.

  "'Shaw, Pete!' says I. 'Now, don't you go borrowin' notrouble--that's so easy to git without collaterial, it ain't worththe time. I'll be back imejate.' I patted him on the shoulder andhe squeezed my hand hard.

  "'No man could be a better pardner than you be, Zeke,' says he. 'Iain't a mite afraid of nothin' when that bald head of your'n is insight, an' you understand a feller--it's a tough play for a roosterthat don't come by sand natural.'

  "'You got plenty of sand, Pete,' says I, 'all the trouble is, youlet it git choked in your hoppers. By-by.' And away I went,slopin' fast, with Pete's forty-eight dollars down in my jeans.

  "I was so took up with his affairs I didn't watch out careful, andthat ain't wise in a hard-luck country. All of a suddent I hears av'ice say, 'Puttee hands light uppee!' Sounds like I'd struck aday nursery, but that ain't so, for just before I hears them wordsthere popped out from behind a rock a Chinaman--not, by no means,one of these here little Charlie-boys that does your wash and givesyou a ticket with picters of strange insecks painted on it, but awhoopin', smashin' old Tartar pirate, seven foot by three, withmustaches like two tails of a small hoss, and cheekbones you couldhang your hat on. More'n that, he was armed and equipped with twohoss-pistols as required by circumstances.

  "That tired feelin' come over me, and I stretched; yessir, thehands of E. G. W. Scraggs went up toward the sky.

  "My yaller friend next requested me to produce. Well, now, thatwas Pete's money. I'd 'a' took a chance at v'ilent physiculeexercises, but I see the time had come to talk.

  "'My Christian friend and brother,' says I, 'before we converseupon the root of all evil, let me put you on to the fact that myname is E. G. W. Scraggs.'

  "'Ah!' says he, backin' up, 'Sclaggsee!'

  "'Sclaggsee!' I hollers, and we near met on the spot. 'Don't yousay that agin!'

  "'Ah!' says he.

  "I noticed his guns was wobblin'.

  "'Ah!' says I. 'You're darned right. Now, I'll make you thisproposition. I got forty-eight dollars in my pocket that don'tbelong to me. If we let things slide by as if they had nothappened I'll give you two dollars for the use of that money untilTuesday next--pay you fifty dollars next Tuesday, at Jimmy Holt'splace--get me?'

  "'Gettee money now,' says he, cunnin'.

  "'_P'raps_,' says I, 'but you won't be in condition to spend it forsome time.' He rolled his eye off'n me, and at that instant MaryAnn, the faithfullest gun that ever stood between me and agentleman whose intentions weren't good, appeared upon the scene.

  "'Don'tee shootee, Sclaggsee!' he screeches.

  "'You call me "Sclaggsee" oncet more, and I won't leave nothin' ofyou but a rim,' says I. 'As for the other proposition, itgoes--Tuesday next. Jimmy Holt's place, I put you in hand fiftydollars, you cock-eyed, yaller, mispronouncin' blasphemy on aheathen idol! Although I ain't been near enough to a cherry treeto cut one down, the word of Ezekiel George Washington Scraggs isas good as the Father of his Country,' says I. 'He beat me at thatlast game, but I can stick to my sayin' like a porous plaster. Youget the money; I will lie for the fun of the thing, but not for nodirty fifty dollars,' says I. 'You goin' toward town?'

  "'Yes,' says he.

  "'Well, git your plug, and we'll amble along together.'

  "So we rode in, right cheerful, instead of quar'lin'. I made himcome along to Maggy's cabin, to show it weren't a bluff about themo
ney.

  "So we rode in, right cheerful."]

  "Poor Maggy, she wipes her eye on her apron, and says she'll startfor our camp at oncet.

  "I called the Chinaman aside, confidential. "'You take care oflady!' I shrieks at him. 'Lady--you take care!' I dunno why it isyou think if you holler loud enough you can make a man understandanything, but it's a fact.

  "My chink bobs his head. 'Take clare laly,' he says.

  "'Yaas!' says I. 'I rustley monnellee!'

  "He bobs his head again.

  "'Lusselleemonellee!' he answers, kind of vacant.

  "I sot down. 'Twas clear he didn't have no idee of myconversation. So we went over it for two hours, me drawin' mapsand wigglin' my fingers, and makin' faces to illustrate a man withan ax-cut in the small of his back, and a lone widder-woman takin'care of him, till at last, by bringin' hands, face, and feet allinto the game, with a small hunk of kerfoozled English languagehere and there, a light broke on his heathen soul. He near bobbedhis head off.

  "'Me makee all lightee for Sclaggsee, you bettee, hellee dammee!'says he.

  "He was that earnest I overlooked the name. 'Good,' says I. 'Now,Charlie, you cut wood, haul water, and keep things goin' out thereand your fifty is waitin' for you on Tuesday.'

  "Maggy did a crow-hop when she found she had to travel with thechink, but I told her it was O.K., so she got aboard an Injin ponyand off they goes to Pete.

  "Well, dear friends and brothers, I sincerely hope you've never hadto raise fifty dollars in a busted camp. The boys done the bestthey could, but a can of corn had to stand for fifty cents, and apair of pants that would take Tartar Charlie somewheres about theknees drew a credit of two-fifty. Four iron knives and a bustedcoffee-pot stood for a case, and a pair of scissors with one bladebroke half off, and a mouth-organ that only sounded in spots, wasequal to two iron dollars. I got eighteen fifty in cash and thebalance was junk.

  "'Well,' says I, 'he's no better'n a road-agent, and I can't helpit, nohow.'

  "For all that, I sot in Jim Holt's place of a Tuesday afternoonfeelin' low-spirited when I looked at the heap, when who comessailin' in at the door but Tartar Charlie, wearin' a grin that tooktwo turns and a half around his face.

  "'Laly comee!' says he. 'Petee comee!'

  "'On what?' says I, ashamed to show surprise to a yaller Chinaman.

  "'Joss man fetchee!' says he.

  "'Certainly!' says I. 'That's what he ought to do; don't getexcited.' I did my wonderin' about the joss man in private. 'Sitdown, Charlie.'

  "So Charlie, he sot down and watched me rifflin' the cards.

  "'Playee poker?' says he.

  "'As a relaxiation, Charles,' says I. 'Poker is a business forgentlemen of means--gottee nomonee!'

  "'Me stakee you,' says he. 'Likee poker.'

  "So Jim and some of the other boys come over, and Charlie and mebegun to draw cards. After we dubbed through a few deals, gettin'on to each other's play, I see Charlie stow away a pair of aces.Now, ordinarly, I'd complained, but, under the circumstances, itdidn't appear to me to be the decent thing to do, so I motioned toJim, and he slid me a pack with the same sort of backs.

  "After that you never in all your borned days see such hands on apoker table. Why, a king-full wasn't worth raisin' back on. A setof fours was the least a man could have confidence in, and only ifit was on his own deal, at that.

  "Howsomever, havin' a hull pack at my disposal, whilest Charliecould only use his hold-outs, I worked him down to tin cans ofvegetables, the busted coffee-pot, and the pants.

  "He, bein' as game as any white man, jack-potted the lot. It wasjust draw cards and show down for the money. Darned if he didn'tget the best of me.' How I come to pick out the queen of diamondsto match a straight club flush is one of them things that won't berevealed till Judgment Day. There wasn't nobuddy more surprisedthan me. This brought us down to even Stevens, and I feltirritated, so I come back at him with one play for the bunch. Heagreed, and I dealt him four aces, pat. I was going to draw tofill my straight color. I snaked out the three I had on my knee,and was just goin' to insert 'em where they'd do the most good,when Pete's v'ice says: 'Well, Zeke!'

  "It was a joyful v'ice, but I knowed he'd seen my play. I droppedthem cards.

  "'One minute, Pete,' says I. I called across the table to Charlie,'Show openers and win!' And when he laid down them bullets I'd givehim with my own hands, my heart broke inside me. But I couldn'tstand for a crooked play seen by Old Pete.

  "I hopped up from the table and shook his hand, I shook Maggy'shand, where she stood, smilin' bashful, and then I shook the handof a strange gent in black clothes, whose name was Mr.Somethin'-or-other.

  "Pete explained to me that the gent was a minister travelin'through the country, who'd offered him and Maggy a ride to town.'We thought we might as well get hitched at the same time,' saysPete, 'and I sure wanted to see you, Zeke.'

  "'Yes,' says Maggy. 'It wouldn't seem right to get married withoutyou bein' there, Mr. Scraggs. To think of what you've done forPete! And that Charley High-ball there is just the blessedestangel that ever was! Why, he got some stuff in the woods and putit on Pete's back, and made him well in a minute, you might say.And there warn't nothin' he wouldn't do for us. And I'm just thehappiest woman ever was,' says Maggy, wipin' her eyes on her apronsome more.

  "'Well!' says I, brisk, tryin' to forgit that lost fifty. 'Whydon't you and Pete sign the pledge right here and now?--how's that,friend?' I asks the minister.

  "'Why, ah! says he. 'Ah! It doesn't seem quite the proper place--'

  "'What's the matter with this place?' says Jim. He took a greatpride in his saloon. He had glass mirrors up that cost him ahundred plunks apiece. 'If you think,' says he, 'that there's aprettier little joint in town than this, why, don't let me keepyou.'

  "That minister was cut out fer the business. He hedged his bet soquick, I admired him.

  "'That's just it,' he says loud and hearty. 'I look upon matrimonyas a solemn affair, and I was afraid our friends would bedistracted from the seriousness of the ceremony by thesurroundings.'

  "'Don't say a word!' says Jim, wavin' his hand. 'You have put thenext round on me; but I guess Pete and Maggy has had seriousnessesenough, just as she slides--heh?'

  "'You're talkin' blue checks, Jim,' says Maggy, through her apron.'I don't reckon I'll ever get too gay to hurt me, nor Pete, nuther.'

  "'Very well,' says the minister--and we had the weddin'. CharlieHigh-ball burnt punk that smelled strong but fine, and swung hisarms, Jim and the rest of the boys sayin' 'amen' every time therecome a stop, and all the proceedin's goin' on grand, till thepreacher got to the last of it, and then Pete broke in:

  "'I copper that statement,' says he. 'I wouldn't run against youfor the world, old man, but here I got to. We ain't "man" andwife, for I ain't never been a man since I growed up: Maggy, she'sthe man and wife both. Say "husband and wife," to oblige.'

  "The preacher looked at Pete mighty kind.

  "'Husband and wife,' says he. Then Maggy busted out, 'He's thebest man that ever lived!' says she.

  "'May you live long and happy years together,' says the preacher,and he had a different look on his face--more's if it was apleasure instead of business he was attendin' to.

  "Whilest we stood there, kinder awk'ard, Charley made a high play.He gathered all his winnings in a heap. 'For laly,' says he,makin' her a bow.

  "Maggy, she cried. Everybody'd been so good to her, she said, andshe weren't able to turn a hand for her part, and so forth, and wewas all kind of pleasantly miserable for a while, till Jim singsout, 'Here, this ain't no weddin' hilarity--guide right to the bar!'

  "There we all lined up, Charlie High-ball and all.

  "'What'll you have, sir?' says Jim, askin' the minister first outof manners.

  "'The same as the rest,' says the minister like a man.

  "'Mr. Scraggs?' says Jim.

  "'Ginger ale, says I. And every man and woman took ginger al
e,which is a beverage that 'ud drive a man to drink. Howsomever, weshowed that preacher he didn't hold over us, speck nor color, whenit come to a showdown. And he savvied the play, too. He watchedthe line drinkin' its ginger ale.

  "'Gentlemen,' says he, 'I'm glad to know you--I think I'll stay inyour town a while, but now'--and he kind of twinkled around theeyes--'I hope you will excuse me.' With that he vanished, leavingus to take a little antidote for that there ginger ale.

  "And Pete and Maggy? Well, dear friends and brothers, you neversaw nothin' like it--they think as much of each other as two menwould! And the way Pete can iron a b'iled shirt is a wonder. . . .Yaas; he found his job at last; plain and decorative ironin'.Often I've seen Maggy, holdin' up a batch of clo's, with pride justoozin' out of her, and heard her say, 'There ain't a person inthese here United States that kin slip a flatiron over dry-goodsthe way my Pete kin.'"