by K.N. Lee
The real me was probably laid across my bed with a smile plastered across her face. I hope she was enjoying every bit of this illusion. If all of this was some elaborate creation of my mind, let me sleep forever. This new life was so much better than what would come with the return to consciousness; even if it was just a fantasy, it was totally worth it. Jazz was still in my corner and that made me happier than I’d been in a long time. On top of getting my best friend back, being here with Lacal felt so right and comforting. As nervous as he made me feel, I couldn’t fathom the idea that he was a figment of my imagination. I wanted to know everything about him; I couldn’t wake up before I got the chance.
For all I knew, the clock was running out and I had to spend every moment absorbing as much of him as humanly possible. Maybe if I knew more about him it would make it easier to leave him behind in this dream world, or perhaps it would only torture me more. The knot forming in my stomach told me nothing would be enough if I wasn't able to keep him.
11
“Are you okay?” He asked apprehensively. His brow wrinkled with anxiety and worry.
The car was now stopped next to a quaint little park. The first thing I noticed was all the trees, mostly Weeping Willows; they had always been my favorite because of the way their branches hung and swayed in the wind. To me they were the free spirits of the trees. Just outside the window was a small path that led to a little pond, surrounded by beautiful smooth blue rocks and pebbles that sprinkled out into the grassy hill beyond it.
The place was underrated in its beauty. As simple as it was, it still took my breath away. I tried to memorize it just in case I never got another chance to take it all in. Even now, I couldn’t tell you where we were, I was too wrapped up in trying to look normal during the drive to pay attention to the street signs. Gee, smart move for a girl alone in a car with a strange guy. Yes, he was attractive, but pretty people can be deranged too. Somehow, I would find a way to ask about his intentions without sounding paranoid that he would hurt me.
“I’m fine, sorry, I got lost in thought.” I smiled at him reassuringly. “So, this is what qualifies as a more appropriate place for me to go to get out of the house?”
“Yes, it is,” he smiled, washing the concern from his eyes. “Do you like it? I come here from time to time just to get away from the madness of the world.” Smiling, he touched my hand, and then climbed out of the car. He stood just outside the door, spread his arms out wide, and said, “Welcome to my own little piece of paradise.”
Taking that as an invitation to join him, I stepped out of the car. He led me to a little white fence sitting just besides a rock path that led through the grass. As we walked, I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs and enjoying the scent of freshly cut grass, blended with newly blossomed wild flowers. He was right; I needed to be in nature, simply being outside with the breeze moving across my skin, it felt like home.
We sat on the edge of a large bolder when we reached the pond. Lacal was just as enchanted by our surroundings as I was. He looked even more amazing in the sun. The light bounced off his skin as he held his eyes closed with his head tilted toward the sky soaking up the warmth of the rays.
“So,” he sighed, “please tell me you are enjoying this.” He didn’t look at me as he spoke, but there was a slight lift at the corner of his lips, a smile.
“Yes, I really am.” Pulling the strands of hair away from my face and tightening my ponytail, I closed my eyes and let the warmth of the sun melt away any anxieties I had about losing him.
“Good,” his hand slid over the stone to touch mine and I opened my eyes to see him now staring out at the water. There was a fight happening inside of him, one that I could see on his face, but could not bring myself to ask about. Unable to look away, I watched and waited for his struggle to be over. The pause stretched longer, but never felt uncomfortable. “You look different now.”
It never occurred to me that he would notice the changes in my appearance. I was barely able to brush the subject aside with Jazz, how was I supposed to avoid it with him when there were no distractions. I thought for a moment and tried to come up with an explanation that didn’t make me seem like a total nut job, but once again found myself defunct.
“Yeah,” I pulled my hand away from his, and began twisting my fingers together. Maybe, if I just left it at that, he would too.
“So, what happened?” He looked at me intently. Just like Jazz, he didn’t know when to let a subject go.
“I can’t explain it.” I decided to be as honest as I could without saying anything that would send him running for the hills. “Like I said, I was sick for a while. You saw me yesterday, my appearance was, um, lacking. Up until this morning, that is how I always looked.”
“What changed?” He still did not look at me, more for my benefit than his.
“My grandmother, she was pretty into spiritual things, what some people might refer to as ‘magic’,” I paused to see how he was taking the information. He didn’t make any odd expressions, indicating that he may have been concerned about my sanity. He didn’t scoot away or suggest we end our little impromptu date, so I decided it was safe to continue. “My grandmother had tried to get my mother to let her help me, but my mother refused it; she said she would never allow me to be a part of that lifestyle, she felt it went against nature. I followed my mother’s wishes and did as she asked, but the pain was becoming too much for me to handle. It sucks to admit it, but I was desperate for any kind of relief. I barely remember taking it, but I can only assume that I did, because, well look at me.”
“Why would your mother refuse?” He looked as if he couldn’t understand why anyone would have an aversion to trying anything that could help her daughter.
“Well, I never really understood that either. She called it ‘black magic’ and actually restricted me from visiting my grandmother after I became ill. I wasn’t allowed to be alone with her. I just figured my mother was superstitious and never gave it a second thought,” It hurt to think of my mother and grandmother and of all the time that I had lost with them both. Time that I could never get back.
“So now that you have gone against her wishes, how is she taking it?” He picked up a small pebble and flicked it out onto the water, skipping it five times before it sunk to the bottom.
“She’s not,” I paused as my eyes began to fill with tears, but I was unable to restrain them. “My mother and father both disappeared over a year ago.” I couldn’t say that she had died, although they were declared legally dead after the search was called off, but it was easier to think that they were just lost. They were alive somewhere, just not with me.
“Disappeared?” He leaned turning his face towards mine; I could feel his silent attempt to urge me to continue.
“Yes, well something like that, their car was found on the side of a road somewhere in Iowa, but they weren’t in it. The police could only come up with one explanation, though they never proved their theory.” I paused trying harder to prevent the tears.
“What was the theory?”
“They assumed that the car was stolen. As far as my parents were concerned, I decided not to listen. They never found them; there was no trace of them having ever even been in the car. At first, I was able to convince myself that they were somewhere safe and happy, and that they just chose to run away. After a while, the idea of my parents simply choosing to leave me behind hurt more than anything else.” I couldn’t hold them back any longer; the salty rivulets spewed past my lids and fell down my face. I dropped my head attempting to hide them from him.
He lifted my face back to his with his and stared at me for a moment. He watched as the tears fell and bit his lip, struggling again with words he was unsure of. He lifted his finger and wiped away my tears before putting it to his lips. The moisture glistened against his pink flesh.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to make you cry,” his face had moved in to mine. We were so close, it was that frightening amount of intimacy that threatene
d to rip me open and reveal all my innermost secrets. Ones I myself didn’t know were there.
“No, its fine. I’ve been blocking out these feelings for so long, I guess it was time to let them out, I just wish I hadn’t ruined everything by crying.” He touched a falling tear with his thumb and rubbed it across my lips leaving them with the taste of salt.
He held my head to his, pressing our foreheads together, his breath tickled my lips leaving tiny sparks that landed on my skin threatening to ignite my flesh. His eyes widened with intensity as he took a deep breath and bit his lip. He was holding back, and I hoped he’d lose control. I was captivated again and happily drowning in the deep ocean of gray that stared back at me. Breathing became harder to manage; preoccupied with trying to use my mind to will him to kiss me, much like I had done at the party. His jaw tensed, and he held my face firmly between his hands, his thumb stroking my cheek. I screamed inside my head for him to end my agony and allow me to taste him. His lips, moistened by his tongue, parted slightly, his breath now ragged like my own. I bit my lip in anticipation. He leaned in closer; finally! I closed my eyes, to concentrate on stopping the tremor of my lips. Kissing him was one time my awkwardness would not be acceptable.
I felt his lips, warm and soft, pressing against my right eye, and then my left, with soft peaks, like feathers brushing across my skin. I took a deep breath using the action to move myself closer to his lips without appearing to do so.
The electrical pulses that were traveling across my body were too much for me to take. Each one ended its journey on my lips, building like embers of a flame. He had to kiss me and extinguish the burn, or I would explode. The closer I got to him, the faster they raced through me. I took a deep breath; preparing my body for the jolt that I would feel when our lips finally met. I waited for the explosion, but it never came.
“Are you ready for your surprise?” His voice was now further away; his breath no longer teasing my lips.
I opened my eyes to see him sitting across from me, on his own side of the stone, his face full of contentment once again. He seemed calm and unaffected, but my body still strummed in anticipation. I wanted him to kiss me, to let me swim in the gray again and never come out. I wanted to feel his skin against mine and hold him there forever.
He seemed to be over it, the moment that nearly set me aflame, so I told myself to let it go. I couldn’t let my mind get my body too excited or I would never be able to concentrate on getting through the rest of the day. I managed a tight nod before he turned away to walk back to the car.
12
Watching his figure disappear around the willow tree took me back to the night I tried never to think about. My mother smiled at me before she left with my dad. They were going to a party which was being held in her honor to celebrate her achievements with her volunteer services. She was a pillar of the community and it made me proud to be her daughter. I wanted to be there to support her, but the pain was too intense that night. It was one of the worst attacks my body had suffered, nearly as bad as the first one. Summoning the strength to walk them to the door had me near tears, but I had to do it. I had to show her as much support as I could. The moment the door closed behind them, my body would collapse to the sofa.
She looked beautiful. Because I couldn’t go with them, she let me spend the evening watching her as she got dressed instead of urging me to rest like she normally would. It was a visual tease, an example of the life I should have been living. In college with my friends, getting dressed up for parties and events. I should have been enjoying life. Instead, my enjoyment came from watching others live. Eventually, I would begin to resent them for it. I was alone, but I didn’t complain, not out loud anyway. It was my choice to push everyone away. The blame for my state of loneliness rested on my shoulders alone.
The most contact I had with the outside world came in form of the mailman. He would stop in and talk to me for a few minutes every day because he knew my situation and felt sorry for me. Even though she would never admit it, these visits started because of my mother. As much as she wanted to be brave and believe that somehow everything would be okay, she worried about me and my safety. Some days she had to leave me, this was her way of checking in on me without making me feel like a child who couldn’t take care of herself.
My father waited for her at the foot of the stairs. When he saw her, he looked like a kid again, a boy picking up his date for the prom. His eyes lit up in that way that only told of one thing, love. The way she blushed in return made me hope that someday there was a love like that waiting for me. Even after nearly 20 years of marriage, they were still very deeply in love. What girl wouldn’t want that?
Whenever they came to mind there were the same voices in my head that shouted at me, they scolded me about how foolish it was to let them out of my sight. Those precious last moments could have been so much more. We should have kissed and hugged each other; I should have told them how much they meant to me and how much I loved them. None of that happened. A simple wave, a ‘See ya later’, and they were gone.
The wind picked up, its assault shocked me back to the present and passed a chill through my body. I rubbed my arms with the palms of my hands wishing my sleeves were longer. I turned at the sound of footsteps approaching from behind; Lacal was walking up with a large basket in his hand and two blankets draped over his arm.
“A picnic?” I stood to follow him as he walked to the patch of grass across from where we sat on the stone by the pond.
“Yes, well, I noticed you didn’t finish your food back at the mall; I thought this would be appropriate. I wasn’t sure what you would like so I got fruits and vegetables. They came together on a platter with some meats and cheeses. I also got some crackers to go along with them.” So he had been watching us, how else would he have known about my half eaten pizza left sitting on my tray? He smiled proud of his selection. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him I didn’t eat pork and therefore half the food would be untouchable. At least the crackers were free of pork juice.
Sitting on the blanket he laid out, I watched as he pulled items out of the basket and arranged them between us. As he moved, the muscles in his arms flexed and revealed themselves. Had I been assessing his physical stature, this would have given me a sense of security. If there ever was something that caused me to need physical protection, he would be able to handle it. Good thing I wasn’t making any assessments!
The sweetness of his actions oddly felt wasted on me. My generation of woman was taught to rally against this kind of display. We were supposed to be independent, and most men were welcoming the idea of an international assassination of chivalry. Lacal, however, didn’t seem to be one of those men. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, my mom always told me to be strong and independent, but my dad spoiled me behind her back. Talk about giving a kid mixed messages!
“Are you okay?” His voice pulled me from my thoughts and once again, I was locked inside of him. The magnetism was still there, I was waiting for it to lose its intensity, for the attraction to fade. With extended time together, the thrill of the mystery man should have lessened, but instead it seemed to be growing. Each time looked at him it was harder to stay planted. My body begged for me to move closer to him.
“Yeah lost inside my head again, sorry,” I had to get used to having conversations with other people again, and shut off the ongoing commentary that usually played in my mind to keep me company.
“I got orange or apple juice,” when he didn’t get a response he dug in the basket for another bottle. “There is always water.”
“Apple is fine, thank you.” If this continued, he would probably think I had some form of mental disorder, slipping into my own little world every time there was a lull in the conversation.
He handed me a plastic cup and poured juice into it before pouring some for himself.
“This is nice. I didn’t think people still did stuff like this,” my generic comment was meant to spark conversation, if the silence went
on much longer I’d be off again in my analytical inner world. He wasn’t going to speak up, he looked too content.
“People should be doing this every day. It’s relaxing and there is the added advantage of getting to know someone without the distractions of the modern world. You can tell a lot about a person by how they react when there’s no noise or commotion.” He smiled at me before taking another sip of juice.
“So, you’re trying to get to know me?” I popped a square of cheese into my mouth to prevent the smile that threatened to claim space on my face.
“Well, I thought it might be a good idea.” He smiled revealing a double meaning behind his words. Why would it be a good idea to get to know me?
“I thought you were a loner.” That’s exactly how Jazz had described him. A longer, a ghost of a man who appeared just long enough to incite speculation and attention from the women before he vanished again into the night.
“Why would you think that?” He stretched his legs out and propped himself up on his elbows. His face and neck stretched toward the sun. I felt my gaze lingering on his chest; once again my breath morphed to match the push and pull of his.
“It’s what everyone says,” well it was what one person said. There hadn’t been enough time, or desire, to take a survey from anyone else in the room.
“Oh… Jasmine,” he turned his head away and grunted.
“What was that for?” I smiled because he was not the first guy to produce such a noise when referring to Jazz.
“Your friend Jasmine, she has this way of being, well really annoying,” he turned to his side to face me before he popped a grape into his mouth.