by K.N. Lee
I then told her about my epiphany at Drayton's place. How I had decided to let go of my inhibitions. They only held me back and I was tired of being held back. The only way I could see myself moving forward was if I was able to break the shackles and just face my past head on.
When I finished speaking, I turned to look at her, realizing sometime during my monologue, I'd averted my gaze and had been staring at Bastian all through.
Allison was staring at me and smiling brightly.
"I have never been more proud of you than I am right now", she said and hugged me. Bastian lazily looked up and obviously uninterested, lay back down.
"So, Juan huh? You think he'll be much different than he was back then?" She asked me, settling back down.
"I don't know what to think Ally," I'd long since told her about Juan and some shenanigans we were a part of back then. She'd been shocked, to say the least, I'd been so different by then, a far cry from the perpetually wasted, no holds barred, party girl I described. But she'd understood.
“We all have a past”, she'd said and her acceptance had been the final push I'd needed to survive the nightmares that assailed me. Even through some harrowing relationships in the past, she'd been the constant factor.
Well, she and Bastian of course.
The mutt, seemingly realizing I was thinking about him raised his head to look at me and licked my face, tickling me. As he lied back down, I couldn't help but marvel at how much he'd grown. From the small, whiny puppy I saved from the pound to the beautiful, strong but still whiny dog he was now.
That day had started like any other day and I'd been jogging home like I usually did on Saturdays during my morning workout and I ran into Allison and her nephew. They'd been on their way to get the young boy a pet and Allison asked me to follow them.
At the pound, after a long ponderous hour, Allison's nephew had finally settled on a cat that had been part of a larger litter but was the last remaining one. The boy had been conflicted, deciding between the kitten and a turtle, but had eventually settled for the kitten.
On our way out, after paying for the animal, by some odd coincidence turned back just in time to see a young husky being brought into the pound by a court official I recognized, Eric. Until this day, when asked, I could never really tell why I wanted to know more about the dog, but I'd gone after Eric and he'd told me one of the most tragic stories I'd ever heard in my life.
Turned out Bastian and his previous family had been involved in an accident and he'd been the sole survivor of it. Without a family, and with no one readily available to take him in, the judge had then ordered him to be taken to the pound and put with the rest of the puppies waiting for adoption.
I'd known from that moment that I was going to adopt him. And he'd taken to me like a fish to water. He stayed glued to my side at all times and for the most part didn't socialize much. But as time went by, he started socializing more and eventually turned back into the playful dog he was now.
I couldn't picture my life without him. He was my sole confidant and my audience when I prepared for class. Some of my co-workers had even taken to calling him my boyfriend and I always took the comment with a smile.
I thought about how distressed he would be when I eventually left to honour Danielle Montgomery's invitation. Well, he and Allison got along well and I didn't know anyone I could trust him with more.
"So, when will you be going to Rosendale?" Allison asked, motioning for Bastian to come to her.
"The letter placed the date for next month. I still can't believe I'm really going back there. I mean, I've sent spent so much time and effort trying not to go back to that place ever. I just hope I don't chicken out at the last second", I said.
Somehow, though, I knew that wasn't going to happen.
4
I slept for most of the flight to England.
I'd spent the previous night working on two different case files, finishing up paperwork and brushing up on some last minute arrangements for Bastian. I hated leaving him behind and I knew there was no way I could make him understand just how much I would miss him. I would make it up to him once I got back though, that was for sure and he would forgive me.
Such was our relationship.
The flight to England had been delayed a bit and I spent the time at the airport playing with Bastian and talking with Allison. Finally, when the issue with boarding had been resolved I'd I said my final goodbyes. Immediately, I got settled in the plane and we took off, I drifted into a very well deserved sleep.
Luckily I had no dreams or nightmares. I hated to think what would have happened if I'd had one of those dreams.
After we landed and I retrieved my luggage, I quickly asked around for the bus that would take me to Rosendale. As I was well aware, the journey would last eight hours with several stops along the way.
England had changed a lot since I'd last been here. I followed the happenings on the news, but that was as far as it went. Being here, I could really see how much change had occurred. There were only a few people waiting for the bus and I prayed silently that more would come along to prevent the number of bus stops we would have to stop at to pick up passengers.
My phone vibrated and I checked to see an alarm notification.
"Call Allison"
I smiled as I quickly dialled her number. The remainder had been last minute setup, and I was glad I made it because I would have totally forgotten to call Allison otherwise.
She picked up on the first ring. She must have been waiting eagerly by the phone wondering why I hadn't called, I mused.
"Hey Ally"
"Mini-kins! You’ve arrived, yeah?"
"Sure have! About twenty minutes ago, slept the entire way. Currently waiting for the bus to take me to Rosendale. It's an eight-hour trip. Thank God you made me bring those novels", I said and she laughed.
"Bastian's here. He misses his mommy, he's been broody since."
"Aw! Give him the phone", I requested and in the next two seconds, I yanked the phone away from my ear. Bastian's bark resonated through the device and I held it delicately a good distance away, as I cooed over the phone, telling him how much I missed him. He responded by barking again and then Allison was back on.
"A little warning next time, perhaps,” I said, rolling my eyes as she laughed. I knew she'd done it on purpose.
"Did you drop your phone in shock? You almost did, didn't you?" she asked cheekily and I would have pinched her if she were within pinching distance.
The laughter subsided then and her voice took a serious edge.
"Hey, so I know how hard doing this must be for you, but I just want to let you know that we're behind you. We've talked about this a lot, and I never thought it would happen this soon, but it has and I'm very happy. No better time than the present moment, you know. So, how are you feeling?"
I wasn't sure how to answer that question. I had been trying to look at it with a kind of detached fascination all along, trying not to personalize the experience too much, despite the fact that it was incredibly personal. I'd examined it and so far, with an aloofness I knew would quickly dissolve once I got to Rosendale and for the most part, I was not looking forward to it. But then again, I'd come this far already and I saw no point in stopping now.
I'd definitely see this as true. That much was certain.
"I don't know Allison, but I do know I want to get to that Manor and I want to know what Danielle Montgomery wants. That will entail me seeing a couple of people from my past, but it can't be avoided and I've made my peace with it."
"Good girl. Go make me proud".
The bus came soon after I hung up and I got up and took a seat nearest to the window.
The bus was half full and I knew we would make a couple more stops along the way to pick up passengers, but it was okay, there was really no rush, was there? Rosendale was definitely not going anywhere.
As we travelled, I took a look at the other passengers in the bus. Each of them had the reason
why they were returning, whether for work, for a funeral, a wedding, school reunion, various reasons. And each one had their own reservations about going back. Whether it was the thought of seeing that overachieving cousin or over criticizing aunt or even seeing that the bully who you'd thought karma would teach a lesson, had gone on to be more successful than most of the people you knew. Something, it was always something and each of these people were going through it alone.
Just like I was.
Of course, there was the other set of people; those who didn't have a care in the world. Those who were just returning and actually looked forward to returning. Those who didn't realize just how tortured others were to be returning to a place that held more than a few bad memories for them. One couldn't blame them, however, how could they know really? The odd thing, however, was those people hardly ever appreciated just how wonderful their situation was. To be left with no worries or reservations while returning to a place you hadn't been in a while, that was something a lot of people hoped for. No feeling of anxiety over being seen as less than you were thought to be, no feeling of reopening old wounds, no feelings of fear at finding out old flames were totally happy and had moved on fantastically.
Nothing but true peace.
I longed for that and hoped at least a tiny fraction of them understood just how lucky and blessed they were.
I wondered if anyone might still hold a grudge. After the incident, there had been quite a few cases of angry people assailing or attempting to assail us. Not that I could have blamed them even then, what we'd done was horrible, albeit out of our control.
Now that I had started down that thought path, there was no stopping it, my mind dug it up eagerly like I had suppressed it for too long and I just had to ruminate on it once more. The incident. The one that changed my life and set me on the right path.
It had, however, come at a price. A drastic price.
Two years after the incident at the rave, the buzz had totally died down and I had since returned to my normal party girl ways. There was no stopping me. Juan had been in trouble; we all had served one form of punishment or the other, ranging from suspension to other constructive punishments. We were over that now, and it was back to status quo. Raves, parties, meet ups at the park to exchange drugs, house gatherings, and of course, the occasional joy ride.
Despite their best judgement, Juan's parents, ignoring all the signs of juvenile delinquency their son oh so frequently showed, were all too happy to give him a car in his senior year.
Granted, they had given him on the condition that he gets it in shape himself, probably thinking the personal effort put into the car repair would at least make him appreciate it more. Juan and I, along with a couple of friends had pooled resources and fixed up the car. Say what you want about us, but we sure knew how to help each other when it was absolutely necessary.
After fixing it, Juan and I would take occasional joy rides in it along a seldom used highway in town. It was fun for us, Juan happened to be an amazing driver and together, everything and everywhere was just a party waiting to happen.
It was during one of these joy rides that disaster struck. And when it struck, it struck hard.
Juan and I had just left a house party at a friend's place and were on a buzz from all the smoking and drinking we'd done. Despite the night of debauchery, we'd just indulged in, Juan had insisted on driving and I screamed “hells yeah” and gotten in the car with him.
We had some booze and some marijuana in the car, which we hoped to smoke and drink once we got to our destination, a place called “Make Out Point” by its patrons.
On our way there, as these things usually went, we ended up opening one of the drinks and downing it in several gulps, then we moved on to another.
As I thought about it now, a lump rose in my throat and made it hard to swallow. I couldn't believe I'd been that stupid once. It didn't register anymore. I mean, I had been the one back then, but I didn't feel like I was.
The joy ride had continued and Juan had decided to really kick things up a notch and asked me to sit astride him, so we could make out while he drove. According to him, he'd seen it in a movie somewhere and it 'looked freaking cool'. It didn't take much to convince me to recklessly endanger myself and back then, the idea of doing that must have sounded very hot to my hormonal, rebellious mind.
So I'd done it.
We actually managed to stay on the road for about ten minutes, only managing to irritate a few drivers along the way. Then we really got into each other.
Juan didn't see the car coming, we were on the wrong side of the road as we approached the bend, there was no way I could have seen the car either.
The headlights and the screech jarred us out of our retarded juvenile display of rebellion, but by then, it was too late.
The car crash sent both cars spiralling out of control and down into a field and finally stopped just short of each other.
When my vision cleared, I tried to move, but I couldn’t. The taste of blood made me realize that I'd been injured somewhere. I couldn't tell where exactly, everywhere hurt and there was no telling the extent of the damage we wrecked.
I tried to move, but the car door pinned me down and there was no wiggle room whatsoever. I looked around and caught sight of Juan, at first, I thought he was dead, but upon closer inspection, I thought I could see the slow rise and fall of his chest. I took temporary solace from that. All the while, I didn't think to check on the car we'd run into.
Then I'd heard the sound.
When I tilted my head as far as I could, in order to get a look in the direction the sound came from, I caught sight of him. It was a young man, about Juan's age. He had been tossed out of the car and struggled to get up. His leg was bent at an angle I just knew legs weren't meant to bend in.
As I turned my head, our eyes met. All I saw was pure agony. There was no anger, no resentment, and no fury. It had all been suppressed by the infinitely stronger affliction. All I could see in his eyes was agony.
Then there was nothing.
As I watched, trapped and unable to move, I notice Juan’s chest was no longer rising, the young man died. I cried then. There had only been a select few when I cried. But none of those occasions had been from pure, unadulterated remorse, the like of which I felt when I saw that boy breathe his last breath.
When the medics had arrived, I had passed out and I later woke up in a hospital.
The days following the accident were a blur. I got to find out that Juan was alive, but the other boy had not made it. It was not hard to discover who'd been at fault. The evidence against Juan and I was staggering. I didn't see Juan during that time.
Not until the trial.
By the time all the evidence was placed against us, before the judge, there was only one verdict that we could be arriving at. We were extremely guilty of stupidity or, as the judge put it, “driving under the influence and manslaughter”.
Juan, who was eighteen, was sent to jail, while I had to go to rehab mixed in with grief counselling.
The presiding judge, Judge Jorgensen, had called me aside after the ruling and spoke to me personally.
"You were joy riding with your boyfriend and ended up killing someone. I know how shaken you must be by the situation, and scared. But, my dear, fear is not what you should take out of this. This, for you, should be a reality check. Your actions have implications. Real world implications and not all of them are savoury. I was once like you, young, carefree, and stupid. But look at me now; I put older versions of people like us, in jail because that's where they deserve to be. You understand? You have been given a reality check. Take it".
Those words had never departed from me.
After we served our respective sentences, things between us had never been the same. Juan and I couldn't even bring ourselves to look each other. Everyone in town knew what we'd done and they were not too happy about it. Life had been very hard during that period. I eventually made the decision to leave and I h
adn't looked back since.
Well, until now.
I sighed as it all came rushing back now, the feelings of distress, of worthlessness. The feeling like I was not meant to be alive, that I'd cheated a soul out of life and deserve to be made to pay.
It occurred to me then, that had it not been for that single, terrible occurrence, I would have turned out very differently. I probably would have overdosed on drugs years ago. In a way, I owed my success in life, to tragedy. And I didn't know how I felt about that.
I sighed and reached into my bag for a novel. I'd reminisced enough for one day and needed to just push the thoughts out of my head.
Suddenly the bus jerked and a loud hiss sounded just beside me. It was coming from outside. The bus then began to slow down and I realize that the bus was slowing down as the driver pulled over to the side.
“What's happening now?” I wondered as the other passengers began murmuring amongst themselves.
"Sorry folks but it seems like we've hit a slight snag. We have a flat tire. I'll handle it quickly, please be patient", the driver announced over the radio.
With an exasperated sigh, I joined the troop of people dismounting to stretch their legs.
As we got down, we soon realized the driver had greatly exaggerated his time frame. The bus didn't have a spare tire, and the driver had to remove the flat one to go get it fixed at a place he mumbled was ‘close by'.
While the other passengers grumbled in protest, he slipped away to go get it fixed. Now we were all stranded. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration, remembering too late. I'd forgotten to pack a brush.
The level of incompetence the driver showed was alarming.
As I stood there, a car approached. I noted it driving towards my direction, but ignored it. Asking for a ride was unnecessary. The driver did say he would be back soon, so what was the rush?
I jumped, startled as the car honked behind me. I turned angrily, more than ready to give the driver a piece of my mind.