by Poppy Flynn
Joel didn't know what had brought on the urge, but suddenly, he had a craving to see Desi without her face painted. She stood pliant before him as he held her jaw gently in one hand and worked the removing cream over her skin with the other until every trace was gone and her face was fresh and guileless and her adorable freckles shone through.
Then he spun her to face the mirror and she watched, mesmerised, as his reflection went to work on her hair, carefully removing each of the pins that held it secure before misting it with the water spray she normally used to help her tame it into its twist. Instead, Joel scrunched it and fluffed it until the riot of corkscrew curls were restored.
The harsh light picked out the multitude of shades that made up its dirty blonde colour from gold and copper to honey and caramel to the pale streaks that the sun bleached out.
When he'd finished, he pulled her back against his chest and met her eyes in the mirror. He didn't say a word, just nodded in satisfaction and then started to unfasten the buttons of her shirt, holding her gaze all the while. He didn't stop until he'd stripped her completely naked, but she was surprised that instead of taking his pleasure when he was done, he, instead, unbuttoned his own shirt and helped her into that. He didn't close it up but left her breasts partially on display while he unbuttoned his jeans. He left them on, but Desi's mouth watered at the tantalising glimpse of his happy trail arrowing out of sight.
The moment was breathtakingly intimate and Desi hardly dared to breathe, in case she broke the fragile spell that wound between them.
Joel tilted her head to the side and pushed her hair out of the way before lowering his mouth to her neck and placing small suctioning kisses from behind her ear to her collarbone. One hand tangled in her curls, the other splayed across her abdomen.
Desi's breath stuttered as an odd pressure built in her chest at the unexpected tenderness of the interlude.
His eyes appeared an electric blue as they reflected in the mirror, and Desi's head rocked back onto his shoulder as hers slid closed under the weight of his scrutiny.
Joel bit gently down on her neck. "Eyes on me," he demanded. "I want you to watch."
Desi's awareness was thick with desire, but she did as he commanded, watching their reflections with heavy lidded eyes that had melted to a liquid chocolate brown.
Joel's movements were innocuous—feathery touches, gentle sucking, tender kisses, light nibbles, the occasional wet lick followed by a warm puff of air to tease her senses. He targeted her neck, throat and nape, her collarbone and wrists, the underside of her breasts, her abdomen and the bones of her hip, but never ventured into deeper territory.
He set her skin ablaze with his innocent caresses, and all the while, he watched her watching him, and it almost seemed that the gentle exploration of taste and touch and sight was somehow imbued with much more intimacy than any of the erotic acts they had performed together. The heat of his caresses and the cosiness of his cherishing touch, together with the warmth of knowing the truth, thawed the ice around her heart a whole lot more.
Eons later, Desi's bones had turned to liquid and she could barely keep her eyes open under the heavy weight of her longing. She could feel Joel's erection pressed hard against her back, but his movements remained delicate and unhurried, undemanding, despite his obvious arousal.
It seemed like they might stay in this languid, leisurely state forever, that was if she didn't dissolve into a puddle at his feet, of course, which seemed entirely likely right now as her limbs grew more and more relaxed, and she seriously wondered how much longer her legs would hold her up.
As if he sensed her weakness, Joel's solemn, cobalt stare pierced her dark, dreamy eyes in the mirror, and he paused, placing his hands on her shoulders and holding her gaze for an eternity before he scooped her into his arms and strode into the bedroom, placing her gently on the bed as if she might shatter.
Never breaking eye contact, Joel stripped off his jeans and donned a condom straight away, then he crawled up her body, pinning her with his delicious weight, and taking her face in his hands, he bent his head and pressed his lips lightly to hers.
Desi's couldn't keep her eyes open another second; a soft whimper escaped her throat at the feel of Joel's mouth. He traced his tongue delicately across her bottom lip and Desi parted for him involuntarily.
Almost hesitantly, Joel sipped at her, tentatively tasting her softness. His tongue slipped in to slowly brush against hers and Desi ached at the tenderness of it, tears escaping the corners of her eyes as she savoured the beauty of this moment, which she knew would remain engraved in her memory forever.
Because Joel never kissed. On the rare occasions when he did, they were rough and demanding and only ever during a scene. But mostly, he just didn't.
Oh, in the beginning, there had been a few, when Joel had first pursued her and she had been an innocent, but they had quickly tapered off, and while Daisy might have yearned for the affection, she had accepted, as a quirk of Joel's nature, that he didn't like kissing.
She understood much better now, that, in fact, Joel feared the intimacy, believed it undermined his precious control. That knowledge made this kiss so very much more treasured and Desi felt as if she was drowning in pure, concentrated emotion that caressed the very depths of her being.
Joel's emotions felt kind of raw. He wasn't sure that this had been in the plan, but whatever had steered him on this course, he didn't have it in himself to stop it now.
As he cherished Desi's mouth, a peculiar warmth came over him, completely at odds with his usual demeanour.
For once in his life, he didn't want to tie a woman up and top her. He had the insatiable urge instead to protect and adore her, to worship her body and nurture her soul.
He didn't want to think about it too much because he knew that would send him running for the hills and, right now, in this time and place, he wanted so much more. So, he just kissed her and enjoyed doing so. Everything was slow and tender. Joel threaded his fingers through Desi's and pressed his hardness into her softness.
"Open your eyes," he whispered as he slipped all the way home. "I want to see you."
Desi opened dark, drowsy eyes that were seething with emotion as Joel settled into an unhurried pace, enjoying every inch of her tight sheath as it clasped around him with each withdrawal as if trying to stall the separation, only to soften and welcome him again on the return.
Desi's breath sighed ever so quietly, but Joel noticed that she still remained motionless.
"Wrap your legs around me," he murmured against the softness of her lips, still looking deeply into her eyes.
She did as he asked, but that was the only movement she made, and Joel knew instinctively that she would always wait on his command, even when they weren't in a scene. He understood that he would still need to give her permission, even right now as they immersed themselves in absolute vanilla.
"I want you to come as soon as you're ready," he told her. "I want to feel your body milk me to completion. I won't tell you again, so it's up to you now. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Master," she murmured dutifully.
"Joel!" he corrected. "I am just Joel, right now."
He noted the confusion in her eyes and her voice quivered when she replied, "Yes…Joel."
He felt an unexpected surge of pleasure at hearing her whisper his name while he made love to her but maintained his easy pace.
The gilded coil of desire tightened around them, twining throughout their flesh as they undulated together in perfect harmony. When the tension shattered, they came together in beautiful synchronicity.
Desi made barely a sound, but, still, Joel felt compelled to capture the soft noises that seeped from her lips with his kiss.
As he gentled their interlude to its conclusion, Joel quickly disposed of the condom, then rolled Desi into his arms, pulling her softness against him and spooning her curves from behind.
Waiting until he thought they had both regained their equilibrium, he ev
entually spoke. "There was nothing going on between me and Anita Howard. I took her out to dinner as a courtesy. My father sent her to me for some business advice on reinvesting her trust fund. He did that deliberately, because he thought she was suitable 'wife' material. For that same reason, he invited her to join us at the charity dinner."
Joel kissed her shoulder and continued. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Jake was annoyed with me and thought you deserved honesty, but I didn't want you to misunderstand my father's manipulations and be hurt by them. And anyway, I wasn't interested in her. Sure, I could appreciate that she was beautiful, but I didn't want her. I had you…"
He snuggled her close and buried his face in the crook of her neck, and Desi felt a warmth ease through her body, reaching parts of her spirit that she didn't even realise had been cold.
"Anita knew the score. She flirted, but she knew things were never going anywhere, so I didn't think it was an issue. Still, I should have told you the truth."
Desi didn't answer for a long time, so long that Joel started to wonder if she'd fallen asleep. Had she even heard what he'd said?
But then, she lifted the arm that encircled her torso and pressed a soft kiss against the sensitive underside of his wrist.
"I forgive you!" she whispered, and the last of the ice vanished from around her heart as Desi also forgave herself and put the past to rest.
Chapter 9
On Sunday, Joel was quiet. Desi wondered if he had withdrawn because he had revealed too much of himself yesterday. The previous day had been an emotional rollercoaster for both of them, from the distressing revelations they had disclosed to the sweet intimacy they had shared. Everything had been intense, but not in a way that Joel would have been comfortable with. Intense scenes were one thing. Intense living—not a space that Joel would happily inhabit.
Hell, even she was feeling shaky!
Joel was deep in thought. He was also more than a little freaked out.
What the fucking hell had he been thinking? In which damn universe had he ever thought that getting that close and intimate with Desi would be a good thing?
Not that it had been premeditated. Oh, no! Joel's great plan to let familiarity breed contempt had never included getting as up close and personal as he and Desi had done yesterday. Nope! That had all come naturally. No thought involved, just pure, effortless instinct. Just another indication of exactly how much the damn woman eroded his focus and had him performing completely uncharacteristic displays of spontaneous tenderness and behaving like a sappy bloody idiot. God, she'd even stripped him of his dominance. Wasn't that just the ultimate humiliation! Joel shuddered, refusing to even admit that his intimacy with Desi yesterday had been one of the most beautiful and fulfilling experiences of his life. He didn't do that shit. All that lovey-dovey crap was for feeble minded, spineless, docile…pansies. Damn it, he couldn't even think of a fitting definition! But he sure as hell was not that guy!
On the other hand, he wasn't completely insensitive. Spending the past couple of days with Desi had made him realise just how much she had withdrawn from life, and he felt painfully responsible for it. He understood why Jake was trying so hard to bring her out of herself, but he couldn't help thinking that there must be something more he could do, himself.
He thought back to the conversation he'd had with Connor about the guy who had claimed she was frigid. For that, he certainly knew he was responsible. The rest might have been a reactionary response to a situation she didn't fully comprehend, but Joel had taken an innocent eighteen-year-old girl and shaped her into a submissive who only responded to certain cues. Cues that other men didn't understand and didn't give her, which, in turn, had led to Desi being unfulfilled and the guys she had relationships with finding her unresponsive because they didn't appreciate her triggers and they didn't understand the silence and stillness with which Joel had indoctrinated her and which had become Desi's normal.
An idea had been forming in Joel's mind and the more he considered it, the more it started to take shape and the more Joel was convinced that his plan would be a godsend for both of them.
The way Joel saw it, Desi needed to change. For both of their sakes. Jake was making inroads into breaking down some of her social and emotional barriers, but it needed to go further. They needed to break down her sexual barriers, too, to give her the chance at having a normal, fulfilling relationship with a guy, and many of those were as psychological as they were physical.
Joel gritted his teeth as the thought of some faceless man putting his hands on Desi sent a wave of possessiveness through him, but he steeled himself, nonetheless, because if his strategy worked, then he would be released from this unsettling hold she had over him and it would no longer matter.
It was completely logical. Sexually, Joel had made Desi the way she was, and by his reckoning, he could unmake her. It was simply a question of 'retraining', and if Joel was able to deconstruct her cues and responses and instil a different set of outcomes, then he would have succeeded in his objective—Desi would no longer be his perfect submissive. She would cease to be his archetype and he would be able to forget her. Finally, he would be free and able to move forward with his life.
Joel pursed his lips and nodded his head, Yeah! It was time to put his plan into action, and if Jake wasn't on board the idea, then he was pretty sure he could get Logan and Connor to help.
Now, to convince Desi that it was in her best interests.
On Wednesday evening, Desi stood in the dungeon area of 'Perversions', wondering how Joel had managed to talk her into what they were about to do. Well, to be fair, it was actually Jake who had ultimately persuaded her that this would be a good idea. And at the time, his arguments had seemed more than sound.
Now, as she stood in the club Joel had booked privately on a weekday evening when it was normally closed, dressed incongruously for her surroundings in the tan and cream skirt suit she had worn to work that day and surrounded by Joel, Jake, Connor and Logan, also dressed in their impeccable business suits, the situation seemed so surreal, it bordered on bizarre and her mind wandered back to those pivotal conversations…
"I want to retrain you!" Joel hadn't beaten around the bush after snapping out of his moody silence on Sunday afternoon. In fact, he'd suddenly appeared rejuvenated.
"Retrain me?" Desi had repeated, nonplussed. In all honesty, submissive training really had been the last thing on her mind and she was a little slow catching his meaning.
"That's what I said!" Joel stabbed his finger towards her with a flourish and an uncommon enthusiasm.
Desi had just furrowed her brow at him in puzzlement and a touch of wariness at his uncharacteristic excitement.
"Why do I need retraining?" she asked cautiously.
"Because, when I instructed you all those years ago, I prepared you with a specific set of goals in mind. Ideals that are not shared by the majority of Doms."
"That's pretty much a moot point, Joel. Regardless of what happened between us last week, I have no desire to visit clubs or rejoin the lifestyle." Desi's eyebrows pinched together and she paced across the floor in front of her full-length windows, shaking her head.
"I was only ever in the lifestyle because of you, Joel. And while Jake may well be right about my submissive tendencies, it really makes no difference. There's no way that I'm going to be putting myself out there as an uncollared submissive, making random hook-ups. That's simply not the kind of life I'm ever going to be comfortable leading."
Joel clamped his hands on her biceps to stop her pacing and spun her around to face him. He ran his palms down her arms and then back up again, cupping her shoulders and squeezing lightly.
"That's your decision, of course, but that's not why I made the suggestion." Joel gazed at her intensely. "Can you honestly tell me that your original training hasn't impacted on your vanilla relationships?"
Desi was quiet, pondering that truth, pushed back into yet another bad memory of her last lover. Their relationship had been
a very slow burn, but she had believed she was getting close to James. They were both professional people; they moved in the same circles; they understood each other's commitments. Their conversation was easy, though, granted, usually about business. They had partnered each other for business and charitable events; they had gone out to dinner and occasionally even the theatre. There had been no sizzling passion, but Desi had already learned the hard way that there needed to be more to a relationship than sex, so that hadn't been a concern…until they eventually got to the bedroom and her life had imploded once again.
It had been almost five years ago, and after their first—and last—sexual encounter, Desi had given up on ever having a successful relationship with a man and had accepted that loneliness would probably be her companion forever.
If she had been closed off before James, then she was doubly so after. The little confidence she had regained after that dreadful night when Joel had broken her heart had been washed away in a torrent of angry words and recriminations after James had completely failed to arouse her in even the smallest way but had proceeded to spit vile condemnation at her already battered soul as he accused her of being frigid and unresponsive and likened having sex with her to having sex with a blow-up doll. In fact, he had claimed he probably would have had more fun with a blow up, rubber doll.
She hadn't thrown his words back at him. She hadn't drawn attention to the fact that she'd been equally disappointed in him so that maybe some of the blame lay at his feet. And she may well have thought exactly that, but still, the final tentative shreds of her assurance and self-worth as a sexual being had shrivelled away and she had resigned herself to being alone, because being alone didn't hurt as much as allowing other people to get close; the only thing that came from that was a shit ton of pain.